Do I implement NACHO?

[Butterfly1728]

My DH has 2 adult sons with whom I share their family home. They do things sometimes which I don’t understand, e.g. fill the kitchen sink and leave washing up in there (presumably for someone else to do), leave towels on floor in bedroom, leave empty pizza boxes in kitchen for days, etc.

Reasonable for me to adopt NACHO?

I don’t like leaving things but my DH runs a “relaxed” home and therefore things don’t bother him like they do me.

I can’t change how the house is “run” as it was that way long before I come along but it gets to me sometimes so rather than tidy up after them, shall I just leave it for DH to do??

Ah, the joys of being an “outsider”, so even if I marry into the family (which I have) I’m still an outsider?

I guess speak to your DH. He obviously doesn't mind clearing up after them but does it impact you? Do you find it difficult to go to bed and sleep if the kitchen sink is full of dishes, for instance? I definitely don't think you should clean up for them and, if they hope to attract life partners, it would be kind to let them know the standards most adults expect.

These are almost 30 yo adults not hormonal teenagers,WOW

And there’s no thank you when dinner is cooked for them 😔

You’re flogging a dead horse. I’d live apart and review once the lazy man child adult kids have moved out.

You are the outsider, you married him but his sons didn’t get a say in it and they presumably don’t see why they should change their ways because you have different standards. I couldn’t live like they do, it sounds rank and I’d find it incredibly stressful. But you’re not going to change a single thing and tbh you must have had an idea of their dynamic when they’re so old and still living with their dad and having their dinner made for them. By all means try and practise not caring but you’ll drive yourself mad with resentment.

Don't cook it then. Simples.

Why the hell are they still at home at their big ages?

I didn’t cook it, my DH did.

because they have it so easy. Where’s the motivation to leave??

But you’re writing things like ‘where’s the motivation to leave’ whilst simultaneously finding someone calling you an outsider an insult.
think about it from their pov - they were happily plodding along the 3 blokes in the house in their mess, quite happy. Then you come along and start getting upset by pizza boxes. You are an outsider, it’s not an insult, it’s a fact.
I still don’t really understand why you married him knowing he lived in a house share with 3 men, of course it would be horrible to live with them.

I don’t create over any of these things, it’s inner turmoil for me. The pizza boxes get left where they leave them and I don’t say a word about it, they live their life like they always have.
i married him because i love him, obviously.

You've said the pizza boxes don't impact you though.
Your DH cleans up.
Your DH cooks the meals.
Everyone is happy with the situation except you.
Is it just that you have a moral objection to the sons having too easy a life?

Yeah maybe, i came from a household where it was spotless and nothing could be out of place so maybe I'm jealous about the “freedom” they have in this house.

Plus maybe I feel that they could contribute to the running of the house too 🤷🏼‍♀️

I guess you implement by letting go of the 'its not fair' feelings and just accepting life isn't fair - you can choose to live your life in peace.

Nacho cheese?
Nacho problem?
Nacho circus, Nacho monkeys??

???? Nacho kids, nacho problem

I’m afraid op, I honestly think you’ve made a massive mistake. Love isn’t anywhere near enough to get married to someone. It’s one part of a much larger pie. You resent everything about them, and that is just going to eat up at you, and you’ve got this for years. He is not going to change his deal with his sons for you, and honestly he shouldn’t have to. This is your home, supposed to be your happy place. If there is any chance to live-apart-together I would probably do that till his sons move out.

We’re moving out to our own home in 2027, so I’ll wait until then. I can’t see that moving out achieves much?

It might save your marriage.

I’m not sure what impression you get of my behaviour but this is all silent, no arguments or tantrums. Trying to navigate this new life.

The impression you’re giving is that you resent living with his sons. You’d rather they weren’t there. I don’t think their dynamic will change. So, your options in how to navigate are singular, suck it up, you can’t change it.

for you I meant. You might end up hating him if this goes on for years.

Yep I get this 👍🏼

I agree. I married my husband only on the basis that we were aligned on house rules for his teenagers. I could not live in a shit tip with grown men who don't contribute to the household or clean up after themselves.

Why are you moving in 2027? Whose idea was that? What have his kids said their plans are once you move? What will you do if they don’t get their own places and DH says he’ll have to keep housing them? Is their mum still in the picture?

I’m confused by this post. Were you not in your own home and setting your own standards before you moved in?