Rant over partner’s approach to parenting his own children

[Sydney777]

I have been with my partner for 4 years. He has 2 boys (11 and 12) who live with us on a 50:50 basis.

I have a very good relationship with both of my stepsons however I go above and beyond for them, to the point where they come to me over their dad for their basic needs to be met. I do the washing, cooking, cleaning, take then to school and pick up from school. I WFH and this arrangement has led to the children coming back to our house at approximately 3:30pm every day during our time that we have them. The youngest is conscientious and understands that I have to work until 5pm. The oldest thinks nothing of constantly interrupting me and seeking attention before I clock off for the evening.

Why do I do this you ask? Because my darling partner does not have the same levels of flexibility that I do work wise. He works a job with very unsociable hours and has a completely unreasonable boss who does not allow him to take time off without a silly amount of notice due to the nature of the job. Anyway.

The summer holidays are fast approaching. As has been the case for the past few years, I am filled with dread at the prospect of having to be the primary caregiver for the children during the three weeks that we have them. I do not plan on taking a lot of time off of work or spending a lot of money entertaining the children. I had an intense argument with my partner last night over upcoming arrangements. He is changing jobs in October and has just under two weeks of annual leave to use before then. His plan was to take those two weeks off at the end of September so that he can go into his new job feeling refreshed due to the demands of his current job. He only anticipated taking a couple of days off over the three weeks that we have the kids over summer to look after his own children, with the rest of the time to be split between me and his mum. When I calmly explained to him that it would be much better for everyone if he took more time off over the holidays, he royally lost his shit and gave extreme solutions such as he will use all of his holiday to look after the children as I clearly do not want to look after them at all. He cannot comprehend the pressure that he puts me under when it is our week to have the children - when I asked him to try and put himself in my shoes to understand why I might feel as resentful as I do, he said he was incapable of doing so as he is not in my position and so physically cannot comprehend the situation.

i understand that we are a family. I love the children. I am a natural carer and have taken to being a step-parent much more naturally than I ever thought was possibles I am however at the end of my fucking tether with explaining to my partner that if he wants to have his children 50:50, he needs to step up and stop using work as a get out clause. Why is it so hard for some men to actually parent? Comments welcome

he royally lost his shit and gave extreme solutions such as he will use all of his holiday to look after the children as I clearly do not want to look after them at all.
Great, let him.
They are his children.

It blows my mind that you only met this guy 4 years ago and yet you’ve been caring for his children for several years like a mother. He’s using you.

I don't see using all his holidays as an extreme solution at all. I would never take holidays whilst my children are in school. If he isn't prepared to look after them he should change the caring ratio with his ex wife. Would he not want time off with you and the children at the same time? Having 2 mothers for his children is allowing him to opt out of any parental responsibility.

He takes advantage of you because you let him ! The older son interrupts your work because he sees his dad treat you like a doormat whose work doesn’t really matter.

Let him look after the kids. He’s angry that you’re not allowing him to treat you like a doormat and wipe his feet all over you.

You can’t make him a better dad by being an amazing stepparent. The truth is that you have allowed him to make you his unpaid nanny so that he can save money on childcare and a cleaner. It’s such a divorced dad cliche - down to shouting at you when you say no. You’ve been conned and taken advantage of for financial reasons. I bet that if you weren’t around then he would be an every other weekend dad at most.

He’s treating you like an unpaid nanny. It’s interesting that you say that you have to be the one to care for his children because your job is more flexible. The question is why is he choosing to not have a more flexible job?

Having to use most of your annual leave to cover the school holidays is a normal part of parenting. I honestly can’t believe the audacity of him planning to take two weeks of leave to ‘refresh’ before his new job, whilst you run yourself ragged during the holidays trying to balance work and HIS children.

I suspect that he only wants 50/50 care to avoid paying child maintenance. If you (or another unpaid nanny) weren’t around, then he’d soon decide that it’s easier for him to just pay maintenance and only have his children at the weekend.

Agree with all PP. DP doesn’t sound very emotionally balanced or mature the way he ‘lost his shit’ either just because you civilly pointed out a few home truths to him.

Ps Im not saying this will be you but unless you believe there is longevity in this then take my exs tale as a cautionary one: so my ex in his 30s/early 40s was head over heels with a woman with four kids. He used to fly up every weekend from Bristol to Edinburgh (yes really! He was a v well paid HR director of a hospital). Anyway, he literally was a surrogate parent helping with everything to manage the kids and wanted one of his own but she didn’t as said 4 was enough. Anyway, when kids all reached more manageable ages and all were bewtwen 12-17 or so, she dumped him. He never knew why. He was such a sap for her though he stayed in contact for scraps I imagine but a few years later she did have another child with her new partner. So I guess I’m just saying be aware also of the users out there who once childcare is no longer an issue just ‘suddenly’ fall out of love etc.

Agree that he's royally taking the piss. They are his children, of course he should be looking after them during the holidays and after school. If his job is that inflexible, he should be paying for after school care. You should not be compromising your own career to mind his children, however fond of them you are.

He doesn't appreciate you and is taking you for granted. Time to put a stop to this.

I completely forgot to add that the most concerning part about your post is his reaction to you attempting to challenge his (clearly unreasonable) behaviour 🚩 🚩 🚩

He is trying to silence you into submission, so that you accept the status quo and carry on being an unpaid nanny.

This is NOT the behaviour of a loving partner. I would recommend you speak to Women’s Aid about coercive control. This will only get worse, especially if you end up having a child together and / or becoming financially dependent on him.

That solution isn’t extreme. If he has holiday, he books at a time he has his children. Why are you more of a parent than he is?

Do you only wfh, or could you go into the office for those 3 weeks so he has to step up and care for HIS kids

So you got together with a useless, selfish dad, he was looking for someone to take on the role of proxy mum who has to juggle work and his kids, whilst he has only himself to think about.

He royally lost his shit and gave extreme solutions such as he will use all of his holiday to look after the children as I clearly do not want to look after them at all.

Not whilst I am working, no I don't. Why would I? Thank you Jack - you looking after your own children works for 2 weeks of the three we are supposed to have them. Can you sort out a childminder or a club for them to attend for the other week? Obviously they can't be here all day whilst I am WFH - my boss does not expect me to be providing free childcare to someone else's children. He is paying me to work.

Dh told me recently how he’ll end up getting pay for days left over at the end of the year. Ds12 said ‘why don’t you actually take the days off for us?’ Said just offhand but I raised my eyebrows at dh. Mind boggling how men’s brains work- two weeks so he can walk into new job feeling refreshed indeed. Definitely let him use up his leave

Thankyou, this first response has said it all! Do I take it you are not even married Op? I understand how and why it happens, but it never ceases to amaze me the lengths some women go to, and lose all sense of what they should and shouldn’t be doing for a man.
I know it’s easy to get caught up in things when you are with the person, but you have seen sense and action needs to be taken.

What’s your housing situation also, did you move in or did he move in with you? Or you got a place together.

This reminds me of a situation I know of where the father took the mother to court apparently she was messing around with contact, and issues with her anyway, because issues that lead to social being involved/lost other children to system.
Anyway, he did this not having adequate room, and in court you need to have a separate room for child, so he asked his gf who got a two bed flat, the other room her child has, so they stay there, and many times he would go off to work, and I just thought what is the point 🤷🏻‍♀️ it’s not like you have them all the time.
Sorry that is why I am in the real mood of feeling that men make me sick right now!

This says it all for me. Some men can be so outrageously selfish.

OP he's using you, I'm afraid, and thinks childcare is women's work. Stand firm, of course he should use his leave for his kids, like all parents have to!! (Or at least, should)

How dare he.

Quite simply, I’d leave him and see how he gets on then.

I think you need to have a good long think about how you feel about the fact this isnt the way someone who cares about you would act. He's not a good dad, and he's not a good partner.
Being a good dad isnt kicking a ball about and mucking in with homework, it's wanting to be the primary carer and spend as much time as possible with them seeing as you only have them half the time.
Being a good partner isnt just saying he loves you, its not wanting you to be put out in any way because of him, and not wanting you to have a bad view of him as a dad!! Why doesn't he care that he looks like a shit dad to the person whose opinion is meant to matter most to him?

I think I’d be finding somewhere else to work while they’re due to be there in the school holidays. He shouldn’t be expecting you to provide childcare so he can save his annual leave for a jolly…. But especially while you’re working!

@Sydney777 where does his mum come into the equation??? he has children and they have 2 parents, not 3! he should be doing the majority of caring and organising and not pushing it on to you!

How long has he been doing 50/50? Since before or after you moved in together?

Mum has the other 50% of the holidays. This prince of men is presumably 50:50 to avoid paying CMS so he needs to suck up half the holiday childcare either by doing it or paying for it.

@Sydney777 I'd rent a workspace for those 3 weeks and tell your not so D P that you can't work with the children around so you are removing yourself to leave the coast clear for them all to get on with it.

His plan was to take those two weeks off at the end of September so that he can go into his new job feeling refreshed due to the demands of his current job.

When I calmly explained to him that it would be much better for everyone if he took more time off over the holidays, he royally lost his shit and gave extreme solutions such as he will use all of his holiday to look after the children.

😂

Sorry but I'm having a shit day and this made me laugh so much. How dare you suggest he uses his holidays to look after HIS OWN CHILDREN?! How is he expected to go into his new job feeling refreshed if he has to care for two (almost) teenagers for 2 whole weeks?!?!

What an absolute prick.

My dh and I work so we plan out every day of our leave to …. look after and spend time with our kids in the holidays. SO WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU ENABLING HIM TO BE A SELFISH SHIT??
book two weeks away, tell him you’ll be working in peace and his leave is for his kids not his own selfishness, and you’ve been juggling HIS kids AND work for a long time so you do need a break, you’ll do a weeks work and a week of leave and you will drastically reset the entire relationship when you get back. New rules will be:
wrap around care for the eldest if he can’t let you work.
he both appreciates all you do and does not take it as a sign he should step back in parenting.
he massively steps up in parenting, or your next departure might be permanent.

This is what I said but also take a weeks leave- if anyone needs a break it’s the op. What a user he is.

I understand that we are a family

Pity your selfish ‘partner’ does not.

Wow. Does he have a magic cock? Because I can’t think of any other reason why an obviously intelligent, independent woman would allow him to so thoroughly absolve himself of parental responsibility that when you quite reasonably complain about the burden, he loses his shit and behaves as though you’re the problem, as though you’re the one being selfish. He’s a gigantic cheeky fucker.

Not surprised you describe him as ‘royally’ throwing his toys out of the pram. He’s created quite the little kingdom for himself, hasn’t he? Where all his wants are pandered to, all his responsibilities are taken care of and he can dump everything on you and his ex and decide to indulge himself by using virtually all his holiday to have a little rest, because he deserves it. Looking after his own offspring is clearly outside his remit now there’s another vagina-owner willing to relieve him of the task.

Being a family, whether blood-related or not, does not entail one person organising everyone else’s time and priorities to suit themselves.

You are unpaid labour for a man who sees wifework as being your primary role in life, and he’s outraged you won’t just shut up and get on with it.