Rant over partner’s approach to parenting his own children

[Sydney777]

I have been with my partner for 4 years. He has 2 boys (11 and 12) who live with us on a 50:50 basis.

I have a very good relationship with both of my stepsons however I go above and beyond for them, to the point where they come to me over their dad for their basic needs to be met. I do the washing, cooking, cleaning, take then to school and pick up from school. I WFH and this arrangement has led to the children coming back to our house at approximately 3:30pm every day during our time that we have them. The youngest is conscientious and understands that I have to work until 5pm. The oldest thinks nothing of constantly interrupting me and seeking attention before I clock off for the evening.

Why do I do this you ask? Because my darling partner does not have the same levels of flexibility that I do work wise. He works a job with very unsociable hours and has a completely unreasonable boss who does not allow him to take time off without a silly amount of notice due to the nature of the job. Anyway.

The summer holidays are fast approaching. As has been the case for the past few years, I am filled with dread at the prospect of having to be the primary caregiver for the children during the three weeks that we have them. I do not plan on taking a lot of time off of work or spending a lot of money entertaining the children. I had an intense argument with my partner last night over upcoming arrangements. He is changing jobs in October and has just under two weeks of annual leave to use before then. His plan was to take those two weeks off at the end of September so that he can go into his new job feeling refreshed due to the demands of his current job. He only anticipated taking a couple of days off over the three weeks that we have the kids over summer to look after his own children, with the rest of the time to be split between me and his mum. When I calmly explained to him that it would be much better for everyone if he took more time off over the holidays, he royally lost his shit and gave extreme solutions such as he will use all of his holiday to look after the children as I clearly do not want to look after them at all. He cannot comprehend the pressure that he puts me under when it is our week to have the children - when I asked him to try and put himself in my shoes to understand why I might feel as resentful as I do, he said he was incapable of doing so as he is not in my position and so physically cannot comprehend the situation.

i understand that we are a family. I love the children. I am a natural carer and have taken to being a step-parent much more naturally than I ever thought was possibles I am however at the end of my fucking tether with explaining to my partner that if he wants to have his children 50:50, he needs to step up and stop using work as a get out clause. Why is it so hard for some men to actually parent? Comments welcome

He can take off 1 2/2 weeks to look after his kids. Then he can take 1/2 a week so he feels refreshed before starting his new job. He's being selfish. Why is his need to be refreshed more important than your need to work u interrupted. Actually, I think he's taking you for a mum.

With the exception of 4 days, all of my annual leave over the last year was used in school holidays. Out of those 4 days used for other things, 1 day was used for a friend’s funeral, 1 day was used to decorate my ds2’s bedroom and the other 2 days were used to take my mum to hospital appointments. That’s normal for parents. In fact, usually I wouldn’t have used as much as 4 days for other things! It would be a cold day in hell before I used 2 weeks to “rest” between jobs at the expense of 2 weeks in the summer holidays instead. I suppose your partner thinks he doesn’t need to lower himself to using annual leave in the school holidays in his Big Important Man job?? Tbf he sounds a bit like my ex who once refused to look after our ds2 on his days off one week (preschool closed due to Covid) because he “needed to rest”.

You sound like a lovely stepmum op but you’re getting walked all over. Interesting that he has the kids 50/50 even though he doesn’t actually seem very keen on spending time with them? I guess that is so he doesn’t have to pay maintenance!. Does his ex know the kids are mostly in your care whilst they are at yours?

Personally I think you need to have a long hard look at the relationship as a whole.

how does he treat you the rest of the time? Are you expected to run after him and meet all his needs because you WFH? Do you do this anyway? What would it look like if you suddenly had to go back to the office?

If you can I would look at moving back to the office for a period of time, even just a few days a week - even working from a local coffee shop or restaurant/bar (I used to do this when I wfh 2/3 days mornings/afternoons). Let him manage on his own and see how he gets on. does the mother of the kids know that actually the 50% the kids are with dad actually only a small amount of that time is actually with dad and not you or grandmother?

stick to your guns about not looking after them during the holidays even if that inconveniences you for the 3 weeks and see how he copes manages. Childcare would need to be an option if mum can’t have them more or grandparents (both sides) can’t help out

No one is worth so much as to parent his kids and go through this hell..

Take off the rose tinted specs OP and see him for who he is, not who you'd like him to be?

He has 50/50 care of his kids to either

1. Screw over his Ex because she dared to leave him
2. Not have to pay child support

He doesn't actually care for his kids, he has YOU to do that ffs!

He gets angry and verbally abuses you when you raise the subject of the 3 weeks summer hols where he's trying to force YOU to take care of his kids WHILE you are actually working!

He's pissed off because he thinks HIS annual leave is for HIM to enjoy ! It's NOT for caring for or spending time with HIS BLOODY KIDS !

When he shows you who he IS, BELIEVE HIM !

He's a selfish, manipulative and arrogant prick who expects women to do his parenting as well as his cleaning, laundry, cooking etc because HE'S the MAN!!

Do yourself a favour, dump his ass immediately and raise your bar in what's acceptable behaviour in a partner, cos this one is scraping the bloody bottom of the damn barrell !!

What an asshole you’ve partnered with OP. He treats you like shit, he has zero respect for you, he’s selfish, and he’s happy to ignore his own kids. I’d be very close to LTB.

Not his need to ‘feel refreshed’: his want.

Few parents use 2 weeks of annual leave for themselves.

Actually screw my “close to” - DEFINITELY LTB

”gave extreme solutions such as he will use all of his holiday to look after the children as I clearly do not want to look after them at all”

This is not an extreme solution. This is normal parenting. Most parents who work full time have very very few days off just for themselves - they use their days off to spend with their kids. The idea of him having 2 weeks off to sit on his arse instead of spending summer holiday time with his sons is gobsmacking. Doesn’t he want to do fun stuff with them whilst they still want to spend time with him?

Hes a prize prick, how can you be with him after saying that.

Well if he can't put himself in your position to see how it might be affecting you, maybe you can't put yourself in his position of being responsible for his kids.

He'll soon find a compromise if he thinks the alternative is him doing it all.

OP, I see you’ve not been back. I hope you’re not taking these replies personally. People are angry for you and the kids. You seem like a lovely SM and decent person.

But he is an awful partner, and even worse than that, he’s an awful dad. Given that he only has them 50% of the time and it’s you who spends most of that time with them, he should be desperate for time with them. Not desperate to get rid of them.

But, they’re getting older. They’ll see him for what he is soon enough, hopefully.

You say you’ve been together 4 years, but the way you have written your post, I assume this is at least the third summer he’s planning on palming his kids off on you (and his mum 🙄).

Consider if he managed 50/50 before you and why he chose it. And if he didn’t, what changed after meeting you.

Whatever you do, do not get pregnant to him.

When would he have done for childcare if he were single?
I have a step daughter 50/50 custody between my DH and her mum and neither of them would expect this of me, they take time off work and arrange childcare using grandparents and holiday clubs, there’s been the odd occasion over the 11 years I’ve been with DH where I’ve been asked if I mind doing a day or two but it’s never expected.
They are not your responsibility, he needs to wake up to that now or I’d be done, he sounds useless to be honest.

You said he has 50/50 shared custody with his ex.

That's incorrect - you have 50/50 shared custody with his ex wife - it sounds like he only turns up for shits and giggles.

Think long and hard before breeding with man - because if it comes down to parental needs opposed to his needs - he'll pick his needs every single time and there will be no other person to share the load.

Yes, he should be using up his leave and spending time with his children. That is not extreme, that is expected for a parent to prioritise their children. He is not a single man, he’s a parent and ironically, you’re not, yet you’ve stepped into the role so perfectly that it’s enabled him to avoid all responsibility for them. If he keeps this up, you’ll probably grow resentful, get sick of his shit and leave and the kids, who don’t have a secure attachment with him, probably won’t be far behind in terms of contact.

I really don’t get why some men have 50/50 with their children when they seem to do no actual parenting and rely on mothers/wives/gfs.

Now you know the reason his children’s mother split with him. Nothing uglier than a man who can’t parent his own children.

But if you didn't live with him what would he do? would he say 'Hey Clare can you work from home at my place for 3 weeks so you can look after the kids' surely a normal woman would laugh in his face as it's not their responsibility at all.

You are the unpaid help and you have had the nerve to say that you're not happy about the situation. You say you can't do your job properly because of the children and he is shouting at you even though you make it possible for him to do his job. I bet he loves not paying CS. I couldn't respect this man at all. I agree with the previous poster who said that that's why his son doesn't respect your time either. I know what I would do. I wouldn't stay with this man for a moment longer.

Amazing how many of these men seem to find women who are happy to become live in nannies for their children. What on earth to they offer in return?

Can you imagine a woman taking her two paid weeks of holiday after her kids had gone back to school???

No wonder you’re pissed off - I’d be livid!

Unbelievable behaviour from him. He should be taking all of his holiday to look after his kids.

Thankfully , he is a partner not a husband. You can be free of him more easily.

He is using you; he is not parenting his children; he is abusive when it is suggested that he do his share ( childcare divided between you and his mum - says a lot)

He will not improve.