Rant over partner’s approach to parenting his own children

[Sydney777]

I have been with my partner for 4 years. He has 2 boys (11 and 12) who live with us on a 50:50 basis.

I have a very good relationship with both of my stepsons however I go above and beyond for them, to the point where they come to me over their dad for their basic needs to be met. I do the washing, cooking, cleaning, take then to school and pick up from school. I WFH and this arrangement has led to the children coming back to our house at approximately 3:30pm every day during our time that we have them. The youngest is conscientious and understands that I have to work until 5pm. The oldest thinks nothing of constantly interrupting me and seeking attention before I clock off for the evening.

Why do I do this you ask? Because my darling partner does not have the same levels of flexibility that I do work wise. He works a job with very unsociable hours and has a completely unreasonable boss who does not allow him to take time off without a silly amount of notice due to the nature of the job. Anyway.

The summer holidays are fast approaching. As has been the case for the past few years, I am filled with dread at the prospect of having to be the primary caregiver for the children during the three weeks that we have them. I do not plan on taking a lot of time off of work or spending a lot of money entertaining the children. I had an intense argument with my partner last night over upcoming arrangements. He is changing jobs in October and has just under two weeks of annual leave to use before then. His plan was to take those two weeks off at the end of September so that he can go into his new job feeling refreshed due to the demands of his current job. He only anticipated taking a couple of days off over the three weeks that we have the kids over summer to look after his own children, with the rest of the time to be split between me and his mum. When I calmly explained to him that it would be much better for everyone if he took more time off over the holidays, he royally lost his shit and gave extreme solutions such as he will use all of his holiday to look after the children as I clearly do not want to look after them at all. He cannot comprehend the pressure that he puts me under when it is our week to have the children - when I asked him to try and put himself in my shoes to understand why I might feel as resentful as I do, he said he was incapable of doing so as he is not in my position and so physically cannot comprehend the situation.

i understand that we are a family. I love the children. I am a natural carer and have taken to being a step-parent much more naturally than I ever thought was possibles I am however at the end of my fucking tether with explaining to my partner that if he wants to have his children 50:50, he needs to step up and stop using work as a get out clause. Why is it so hard for some men to actually parent? Comments welcome

As others have said, it is completely reasonable and normal for your partner to use all his holiday looking after his kids. It's not an extreme option. Just basic parenting. Say yes to this.

At 11 and 12 they should be able to handle coming home from
school most days and not needing any attention until you are done with work. Yes, sometimes they will have a rough day and need a parent, but it should not be routine for your workday to be interrupted.

as for the summer, dad should either be taking time off or using holiday clubs. None of that is your problem.

That he expressed anger over your pushback is really concerning.

You are his staff. And you pay to be his staff.

He’s a happy little Vegemite.

Wow he saw you coming.
I have no idea, absolutely none, how you could be attracted to a father who doesn’t see it as his priority to parent.

Although I’m afraid, at 11 and 12, you’re probably coming to the end of your use to him op. You’ve done the childcare 7-11 when it was needed so he didn’t have to pay child maintenance. He’s probably upping his anger now, in preparation to finish it.

Hopefully he will have a think about what he has said and will apologise and take off time to spend with his kids. His behaviour is awful. It’s so unfair on you and on his kids.

You’re a good person op and that arse is taking advantage of it. He could take some time off then I think it would be ok that you help out with the rest as that’s what you do in a partnership and family - you all d your bit and support each other.
He doesn’t see it like that and wants you to bear the burden and he swans off with his free time.
In your shoes, I’d be booking a trip away for myself to show him that you’re a person in your own right, free to do as they choose.

Oh yes, this too. Don’t be surprised op.

'he royally lost his shit'. Not surprised - he sounds like a very spoilt little prince.

His kids, he parents!

What an entitled prick.

I know a lot of good dads, not one of them would take his holiday by himself when his kids were in school, to "refresh." How totally self indulgent his worldview is. The kids have a less nice holiday, you are run ragged, but he gets to be refreshed.

He could put them in holiday clubs, that's his other option.

You trying to WFH while they are around, is not an option.

I'd also be directing them to him for their basic needs as a well, he needs to step up. If he doesn't apologise for losing his temper over your reasonable boundary, you should re-think the relationship. He isn't showing that he cares about you very much.

he royally lost his shit and gave extreme solutions such as he will use all of his holiday to look after the children as I clearly do not want to look after them at all.

In what way is that an extreme solution, as opposed to just common sense?

Why are you tolerating this nonsense?

I'm afraid the best time to put your foot down was 4 years ago. But I guess this is the second best time.

If you don't have DC together then there is no point whatsoever living together, you can enjoy a relationship living apart then you won't have to look after his DC,at all, ever. How long had you been together when you moved in? Was it his idea?
What would have happened if you'd made it clear you didn't want to live together until his youngest was 18? Would he be happy as he loves you so much or would he be out there interviewing the next live in nanny.

This.

Your situation is shocking, OP. He sounds absolutely vile.

As the PP said, good dads live for quality time with their children. Many parents have to take unpaid leave to cover school holidays. And clubs are very usual at this age.

Him keeping two weeks for himself when they are back at school is breathtakingly selfish.

His anger when challenged is a warning sign. He is not a good person. You deserve better.

This is ridiculous. I would tell him he clearly does not appreciate you and his attitude is unreasonable. I would state that from next week I will be providing no primary childcare to his children. Are you able to work out of home for a while to make the point so he cannot use your presence whilst working from home?Maybe a local cafe? State this is the situation for the foreseeable until he is bloody well grateful for any help you provide. Not sure of your living arrangements but I would consider living separately until he gets the idea you are not his support human. To be honest though, I suspect the relationship to break down once you are no longer available as free childcare and home help - he will look for another.

He lost his shit cos you won't fully parent his children?

He is a user and you are his free skivvy aupair......silly woman.

You must not have an ounce of self esteem to allow yourself be used like this AND risk your job.

So foolish.

You are not family, you are a convenience.

He actually sounds controlling and abusive.

Get a bag together and get out of this relationship.

Do not EVER inflict on another child.

He has to use all his holidays to look after his children?? Well boo fucking hoo, welcome to being a parent and having to do what every other parent has to.

tbh op, in your shoes I’d tell your dh you’ll be working from the office during the summer holidays and he has to either take the time off, or arrange holidays.

id say he was taking the piss royally if they were your shared dc, but I’m completely gob smacked that the children aren’t even yours and you’re doing all you said in your op. You sure he did t get together with you so he got free childcare.

"They're your children. How on earth did you expect then to be looked after, if not by you?"

What would he do if you weren’t there?
First and foremost they are his kids it shouldn’t be your responsibility and if you do help it should not be the default nor should he take it got granted .

He is treating you poorly and berating you for challenging him on it. You can say no, no to the childcare and no to the relationship if you choose.

OP, your feelings don't matter to him. He is making that clear, please listen. Get out while you can and enjoy the freedom

I’d take yourself out of the equation this summer.

For the three weeks when the children are with you I’d work either from the office or from a cafe. And come September I’d do that once or twice a week on a random pattern.

If he has got to the point where he is resentful of the days you’re not looking after his kids, rather than grateful for the days you are, I think that you need to do this quickly before it ruins your marriage.

Horrible partner and father. Breathtakingly selfish.

Good fathers, when they become single and thereafter, do everything possible get and keep a job that enables them to fulfil their parenting responsibilities.

he wanted the easier route of a kind partner to do the parenting and domestic work - and got it.

If you’re sensible you’ll ditch the loser.

You are the nanny with a fanny.

Why are you tolerating this shit?

Yes, he should use his annual leave to look after his DC.

Time to wake the fuck up, OP snaps fingers to wake OP up from trance
This is it. He either calms down and feels a suitable amount of shame for getting too comfortable treating you like the beast of all burdens while he assigns himself weeks off to “refresh himself” 🙄, apologies profusely and sets to sorting his own children out…
OR
he digs in to his righteous outrage that you are finally drawing a boundary and sticking up for yourself, thus proving me 100% correct when I advise you to LTB.

I think I will remember this thread forevermore for the ‘extreme solution’ of…parenting one’s own children.