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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Had enough!

113 replies

Sickofmess · 31/05/2025 08:22

Hi all
i recently read a thread re a lovely lady who had tolerated her partner and 2 stepkids living in her house who had no respect for her and her home, boundaries overstepped etc (from April 2025… I think) I am unable to comment on it but I wish I could …. I’ve read the whole thread and honestly I could have written it myself ! The only difference being this lady has a cat and I have a dog !
as her posts rang so true to the life I’m currently living I wonder if anyone has participated in the thread and wondering how she is doing now ?
my partner lives with me and we have his 2 kids eow . The days leading up to the visits are shocking for me , I’m full of anxiety and have palpitations etc . My partner is the typical Disney dad as you’ve all described . The kids are 9 and 7 and push me and my lovely home to the absolute limits . I can see this playing out as the other lady’s dis .. the minute I speak with my partner about the kids shitty behaviour and manners and disrespect . I get shot down . I’m at the end of my rope with it all. I do not care if they’re feral at their mothers or when they used to live with him but I won’t accept it . But this casts a lot of doubt as to whether I’m being unreasonable or I’m just expecting rules in MY home to be adhered to . I hope I’ve come to the right place for support 🙏🏻

OP posts:

Loadsapandas · 31/05/2025 08:28

What sort of things are they doing and how is he Disney-ing?

He sounds like an ineffective partner and dad of the kids are feral.

As they come as a package, it’s fine to say the package doesn’t work for you and move on.

Original poster

Sickofmess · 31/05/2025 08:44

I know they’re only young but they use the sofas as trampolines , they stick their noses on the windows and patio doors , throw toilet roll all over the bathroom, spit on mirrors , shove crisp packets down the sides of the sofas , drop ketchup all over the table (that’s when I can get them to sit at the table !) come straight in and put rubbish on the tv at a million decibels … the list goes on but that’s what I can think of . Disney dad just sits on his phone ! Yet the second we go out in public to the park or an activity centre of some sort .. he’s all over them like the doting dad that he isn’t (I just stand there in shock!) then back home and back to normal . It’s my home and I don’t tolerate things not being put away after they’ve finished with them. It’s almost like the more I ask for things to be tidied away , the more he tells them not to ! I know they make a mess but I expect respect . Maybe I’m just stupid !!

OP posts:

MostlyHappyMummy · 31/05/2025 08:46

Is there a reason why you have to live with him and tolerate this?

nopineapplepizza · 31/05/2025 08:55

He only sees his kids four days a month (which is a pathetically pitiful amount 🙄)

He can hire an Airbnb for those days and see them there, it doesn’t have to be at your house.

But his lack of parenting would give me the ick; do you really want to be with him?

MellowPinkDeer · 31/05/2025 09:00

This isn’t a safe space for step parents op so just brace yourself for that.

what you describe though is completely unacceptable, how long has this been going on? Why doesn’t he do anything? Do you tell them to stop jumping on the furniture? Why did he move in with you? Where did he live before?

it sounds horrible, that other poster chucked them out and lived happily every after … I wouldn’t stand for it. Things need to change or you need to take action.

Original poster

Sickofmess · 31/05/2025 09:14

He had moved out of his rented house (didn’t get any bond back because of the state he left it in) and I don’t know how it happened but moved in with me it was a whirlwind . We have them eow Fri night to Monday morning and they are here 3-4 mornings per week to get ready for school and the school drop offs so he does see them a lot .
plus he participates (well has to) do the evening activities like swimming and footbal etc .
no he never reprimands them for their behaviour and lack of respect .. just sits on his phone while I’m wiping up mess and washing etc . Well this morning I’ve got up and I’m doing nothing, he can see to them and make sure they’re fed etc I’m sick of doing it all for not one ounce of thanks . I know I will be packing their things up at some point before I lose my sanity !

OP posts:

burnyburnyname · 31/05/2025 09:17

What do YOU get out of this relationship with your DP?

healthybychristmas · 31/05/2025 09:24

Get him and his feral kids out of there. Honestly, I really couldn't bear it. You had the biggest red flag shoved in your face when he didn't get his deposit back because of the state he left his previous place in. I think before you go into another relationship you need to really talk to someone about your boundaries.

Original poster

Sickofmess · 31/05/2025 09:27

burnyburnyname · 31/05/2025 09:17

What do YOU get out of this relationship with your DP?

I really do not know to be honest ! I don’t need him financially (as the financial contributions are few and far between!) so I really don’t know . I see that I get plenty of anxieties that’s for sure . That’s a very good question and I’m so glad you asked me that, thank you x

OP posts:

MellowPinkDeer · 31/05/2025 09:29

Sickofmess · 31/05/2025 09:27

Show quote history

Are you aLSO PAYING for the privilege of your house being wrecked ??? Come on OP!!! Tell him, shape up, or you and your kids are out.

DaisyChain505 · 31/05/2025 09:31

I actually wince at these threads. I’m sure when you’re in the situation you can’t see the alarm bells at the time but when it’s all written down it’s absolutely shocking.

This excuse of a man didn’t get his deposit back on his rented property because of the state of it yet you let him move into your property where he now doesn’t pay a proper set amount each month? He’s a shit father and useless partner when it comes to being equal with household duties on top of financial support.

Why.are.you.with.him?

If he wanted to be a good father and a good partner, he would be. Nothing is going to change.

UncharteredWaters · 31/05/2025 09:37

Pack their things left at their arse into a bin bag - it’s one step to changing things.

any pushback from Dp and he also goes in the bin bag.

he’ll change his ways rather than lose his comfy setup.

Loadsapandas · 31/05/2025 09:40

Bloody hell, as other posters have said - how the hell did that happen?

He sounds awful. And saw you coming.

Kids will behave accordingly when they have shit parents. You are expecting more from 2 children than you do their own father 😱

Meadowfinch · 31/05/2025 09:44

Honestly OP, get rid of all of them. Give him two weeks notice, and tell him to rent a room for their next weekend.

Does he have parents he can go back to? If so, kick him out sooner. Reclaim your lovely civilised home.

DancingFerret · 31/05/2025 09:50

How did he manage to just move in without any prior discussion about finances, his children, etc? That bit alone is mind-blowing.

Where do you see your relationship going, OP, because right now it appears you're providing a home for a messy and irresponsible man and somewhere for him to take his messy and irresponsible children on the weekends he sees them?

Please wake up and take control of your life and home.

BernardButlersBra · 31/05/2025 09:54

I would get them all gone, they sound awful.

jay55 · 31/05/2025 09:57

Tell him to go. Take your life back and get rid of the squatter.

MinnieMountain · 31/05/2025 10:01

At least you haven’t married him. The children won’t be homeless when you kick him out. Do it sooner rather than later.

Pollqueen · 31/05/2025 10:01

So he's a cock lodger and a deadbeat dad OP. I'd tell him to shape up, start fairly contributing financially and parent his kids, otherwise he's out. And mean it!

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 31/05/2025 10:03

Honestly, OP, get out now. If you think they’re bad now, wait until the teenage years. He doesn’t respect you, so they don’t respect you, it won’t get any better. He’s afraid to parent them in case they don’t want to come, so you and your home and your life gets sacrificed. I’ve seen it all.

Run.

healthybychristmas · 31/05/2025 10:03

You are basically paying him to live with you and have his children trash your house. It's no big surprise that he doesn't contribute fully. He is an absolute shit dad and rubbish boyfriend. He is just a leech. Tell him to take the kids back anwa and pack up his stuff.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 31/05/2025 10:09

Are you cleaning up after, and cooking for, your partner as well? The resentment is directed towards the children but if he is lazy and happy to live in squalor himself why would you expect him to expect any different from his children? What is the household chore split the rest of the time? Is he also on his phone the whole time when he’s with you and the kids aren’t there? What quality time do you get together?

yestothat · 31/05/2025 10:11

This issue here isn’t your step kids, though it doesn’t seem like you’re actually their stepmom anyway. The issue causing your problems is that you’re choosing to be with an awful man who is an awful partner.

Sedgwick · 31/05/2025 10:13

Thank heavens you aren’t married to him. He doesn’t respect you, it won’t improve. Take control and tell him to leave. You will be able to relax again in your own home when they are gone.

PoppyFleur · 31/05/2025 10:19

It doesn’t sound like you are getting anything from this relationship. Your partner is abusing your good nature and you are paying for this privilege! You deserve so much better.

It’s time to make plans and evict this waste of a space man from your life. If you were to separate immediately would he leave quietly?

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