Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Help! Why don't my partners children feel comfortable around me?

120 replies

surfmum2301 · 01/03/2025 11:30

Help! Advice/opinions wanted . . I recently met a new partner after being single for 5.5 years after separating with the father of my children. We've been together just shy of 18 months now. He is also a single parent and separated with his ex about 4 years ago. We both have very similar relationship histories - both have two children, 1 girl, 1 boy, both separated with the ex's due to them having addiction issues, both had full custody of our children for a long time and both have now re-instated a good co-parenting relationship with ex partners, who see the children regularly as both now in remission. Our children are all similar of ages 8, 9, 10 & 11 years.

We have really similar values and parenting styles, we are all really active people who love the outdoors, try to restrict screen time and promote good old fashioned board games, reading and arts and crafts . . you get the idea. My partner and I are also really well matched we have similar hobbies, intellect, eating and sleeping habits etc etc so all seems a pretty dreamy set up and there isn't a lot of negotiation or compromise required for when we hang out alone or with the children. The issue I'm having is that his kids don't seem to feel comfortable around me, they barely acknowledge that I exist. For instance when I come over they don't say hi or by to me, they don't engage in conversation with me, they rarely want to share things they've drawn or built or did at school with me. It's like I'm a complete stranger still. Right from the start we have parented really consciously to do it well for the kids - we started out doing short meet ups doing stuff the kids enjoy like inflatables at the swimming pool, jumping into the sea from the rocks, bike rides etc so all really positive stuff and something we are all on the same page with and can enjoy together. We went away on holiday a couple times too for a weekend and a whole week during the summer, again lots of action packed fun was had. I've always been careful not to force myself onto them and let them come to me in their own time, I don't try in any way to be their mum and just want to be a friend. I make sure I leave bed times to their dad when I stay over as I think that's a special time I don't want to intrude on. We do things with all the kids and we also do things when he or I don't have our own children so we can just concentrate on being with our partners kids. We don't live together and I only stay over a couple nights a week max, and usually arrive late after work so it's not like I'm intruding on their play time with their dad that they might resent me for. So I just don't get why they seem to feel completely indifferent towards me! When my partner comes to my house my kids will go to greet him at the door, they chatter non-stop to him and want to engage with him - what in my opinion is completely normal behaviour for this stage of our relationship. I would say my partners children are definitely more shy, and reserved than mine so I have tried to be mindful of this and reassured myself perhaps they are just quiet and they actually do like me - but this morning my partner had to take his son out so I was left alone in the house with his daughter for an hour first thing in the morning. I could hear her behind the door when she woke up in the morning so looked up and she was peaking around to see if I was in the room as she clearly didn't want to come in if I was there. When she saw me I gave her a big smile and wave and she ran off, it's like it's the first time she's ever met me! I just don't get it, they've had so much time to get comfortable around me and see that I'm a fun person who is up for doing all the things they love. I could understand it more if I was a completely different personality to their family values and they couldn't find a common ground with me.

I've tried talking to my partner about my concerns and we made a plan to try to do more things with just me and his kids and when I have made moves to initiate play with them, they will play with me but again it doesn't seem to move the relationship on to anything more secure and lasting. We have had a few issues with the kids falling out, as to be expected with 4 kids all the same age, but really nothing out of the ordinary. There's never been any arguments between me and their dad or I've not shouted at his kids or any behaviour that might make them untrusting of me. I'm happy to keep going as I feel as blended families go we have way less problems than many as we are all so well matched, but at the same time I feel really deflated and rejected and it is making me question whether it's always going to be like this and if it is whether I am okay with that as I don't think I am. It is still early days, as it's only been 18 months but by this stage I would have expected them to at least be happy to sit in a room with me! I really like his kids but I'm starting to feel demotivated and a bit awkward to try when I get nothing back.

Thanks for reading, I'm after any suggestions that might help to build a bond with his kids or similar experiences to help me feel like this is okay and normal and it's not me that's the problem. I don't have any other friends in a similar situation to ask.

OP posts:
BallerinaRadio · 01/03/2025 11:42

It sounds from reading your post you're very eager to have this amazing life together full of fun and activities when actually life isn't always like that. It also sounds like you want it all now.

18 months isn't that long at all, and the kids are at that age where they're just figuring out who they are and beginning to crave independence.

I'd stop worrying about making everything perfect, try and slow down, but make sure you're there for them if they need you. You longer you are around (and 18 months really isn't that long at all) the more they will get used to you

Crichel · 01/03/2025 11:50

I think you’re expecting way too much way too fast, and you’re also assuming your children are the ‘normal’ ones for being delighted to see your partner. His kids are not your kids. They’d prefer you weren’t around. That may or may not change in time — a year and a half really isn’t very long, and you’re already staying over at his and doing ‘family days out’ with your similarly-aged children. Many people are only thinking about introducing their partner to their children at eighteen months. I think you should slow right down, stop trying to force things, and concentrate on your relationship when your children are at their other parents’ houses. His children will just be dreading you moving in, forcing them into a family with two new ‘siblings’.

aspidernamedfluffy · 01/03/2025 12:11

It sounds like you are trying too hard. You need to slow it all down a bit and allow them time to adjust.

AccountCreateUsername · 01/03/2025 12:34

Agree with pp, OP. It’s very early days and they sound like they’ve had a tough time with their mother’s addiction issues. It could take years for them to feel comfortable or want to spend time with you. Just don’t take it personally and take things at their pace.

Give them space and no need to blend families so early on. Good luck though

Crichel · 01/03/2025 12:42

AccountCreateUsername · 01/03/2025 12:34

Agree with pp, OP. It’s very early days and they sound like they’ve had a tough time with their mother’s addiction issues. It could take years for them to feel comfortable or want to spend time with you. Just don’t take it personally and take things at their pace.

Give them space and no need to blend families so early on. Good luck though

I’d completely overlooked the fact that these children’s mother was an addict, and that they had a period where they didn’t see her regularly — no wonder they’re shaken, and suspicious of the OP. They lived with an addict, and then essentially lost their mother for a while. They’ve had lots of traumatic changes in the last few years. It doesn’t sound like a ‘dreamy set up’ at all, it sounds like children who, unsurprisingly, have lingering issues, and an OP who thinks it’s all fine because she and her boyfriend have similar parenting styles.

Original poster
surfmum2301 · 01/03/2025 13:12

Crichel · 01/03/2025 12:42

I’d completely overlooked the fact that these children’s mother was an addict, and that they had a period where they didn’t see her regularly — no wonder they’re shaken, and suspicious of the OP. They lived with an addict, and then essentially lost their mother for a while. They’ve had lots of traumatic changes in the last few years. It doesn’t sound like a ‘dreamy set up’ at all, it sounds like children who, unsurprisingly, have lingering issues, and an OP who thinks it’s all fine because she and her boyfriend have similar parenting styles.

Show quote history

I didn't mean dreamy as in the fact the children have all had a really hard time with their other parent, I meant we are pretty lucky to have found a relationship where everyone has similar values and interests as I think this benefits both us as parents AND the children and clearly I don't think it's 'all fine' or I wouldn't be posting asking for help. I really care about these kids and want to do right by them, hence asking for reassurance or advice on how to help me build a bond.

OP posts:
HoppityBun · 01/03/2025 13:15

So I just don't get why they seem to feel completely indifferent towards me!

It’s because you’re nothing to them. They neither want nor need you. They want and need their dad. That’s their privilege and their right.

polinkhausive · 01/03/2025 13:16

Honestly I don't think you're doing anything wrong, it just will take time.

All the children here have been through a lot and it might take a while to build trust. 18 months is not long.

sprigatito · 01/03/2025 13:19

You sound frustrated because on paper the set-up looks perfect, and it would be if all the children just fell into line and did what you want them to do. I think you are being naive and unfair. These children are people, not Playmobil figures. They didn't choose any of this and it will take time for them to adjust. They didn't choose you either, nor your children, and there is no guarantee that they will gel with you just because their father loves you. Blended families are very often miserable for children, especially when the adults involved expect everything to magically work because they want it to.

Original poster
surfmum2301 · 01/03/2025 13:20

Thanks for the outside insight everyone, so hard to see the bigger picture when you're in the middle of it. I feel reassured and agree that 18 months isn't a long time at all in the grand scheme of things and perhaps his kids were exposed to more as as I left and took my children away from the situation at an early age, so it makes sense that they may be more wary than mine. It's really helpful to be reminded of this.

OP posts:
Original poster
surfmum2301 · 01/03/2025 13:25

HoppityBun · 01/03/2025 13:15

So I just don't get why they seem to feel completely indifferent towards me!

It’s because you’re nothing to them. They neither want nor need you. They want and need their dad. That’s their privilege and their right.

If you read my post I'm not looking to be their mum and I'm also very mindful of not intruding on their time with their dad. I just want to be a friend, not even a good friend at this point but just someone they know. I have lots of friends who my children have only met a handful of times and yet they will happily chat to them if we meet up for a coffee or a walk so that was the kind of relationship I was hoping for, nothing more.

OP posts:
autisticbookworm · 01/03/2025 13:32

I agree take a step back and give it more time. They need to be their fathers priority

PeppyTealDuck · 01/03/2025 13:52

You’re not just a neutral friend though, you are someone who claims a lot of their father’s attention, at their home several times a week. They already lost one parent for some time, they are possibly wary of losing the other to you.

Original poster
surfmum2301 · 01/03/2025 13:55

PeppyTealDuck · 01/03/2025 13:52

You’re not just a neutral friend though, you are someone who claims a lot of their father’s attention, at their home several times a week. They already lost one parent for some time, they are possibly wary of losing the other to you.

Yeah thank you, this is a really valid point and I think I will speak to my partner about taking a step back and not staying over in their home at all for now.

OP posts:
Whyherewego · 01/03/2025 13:59

Has your DP talked to them at all. As PP said 18 months isn't that long and of course I'm assuming that they have known about you for less time than that? As I assume you didn't do intros early on.
I think DO needs to have a chat with them alone and talk to them about how they are feeling? Maybe just say that Surfmum isn't coming over this week and ask how they feel about that ? Do they prefer the routine or would they like more time with him alone ? At those ages they should be able to articulate if they're uncomfortable or worried about something. They may need a few goes before it comes out though.
I strongly suspect this is less about you as a person and more about their fears for their family unit

Crichel · 01/03/2025 14:00

surfmum2301 · 01/03/2025 13:25

If you read my post I'm not looking to be their mum and I'm also very mindful of not intruding on their time with their dad. I just want to be a friend, not even a good friend at this point but just someone they know. I have lots of friends who my children have only met a handful of times and yet they will happily chat to them if we meet up for a coffee or a walk so that was the kind of relationship I was hoping for, nothing more.

Show quote history

But you say you went on holiday all together for a week last summer, when you can only have been a couple for a bare year, if that. I think that’s way too fast for children who have every reason to distrust adults and change. As I already said, many people are only introducing their children to a new partner at eighteen months.

Sure, your children are happy to chat to adults they barely know on a walk, but those adults aren’t their dad’s girlfriend, sleeping over in their house, taking them on days out with her children. They’re not worried their dad is going to marry them and force them into a blended family situation with new ‘siblings’ close to their own ages.

I really feel for that little girl peering around the door first thing in the morning and preferring to stay in her bedroom than be alone with you. She’s probably just hoping irrationally that you’ll be gone someday.

Obviously you have the right to have a relationship and no one’s suggesting single parents shouldn’t date, but I think you and your partner are minimising your impact on his children. Or, rather, not you as an individual, but the simple existence of a new girlfriend with similarly aged children who was introduced far too soon into their lives. Your impatience with his children’s failure to warm up to you is clear. Are you planning to live together, even if this coldness/indifference continues? Or is that what is worrying you, that it’s clear you can’t blend families if this goes on?

Original poster
surfmum2301 · 01/03/2025 14:02

Whyherewego · 01/03/2025 13:59

Has your DP talked to them at all. As PP said 18 months isn't that long and of course I'm assuming that they have known about you for less time than that? As I assume you didn't do intros early on.
I think DO needs to have a chat with them alone and talk to them about how they are feeling? Maybe just say that Surfmum isn't coming over this week and ask how they feel about that ? Do they prefer the routine or would they like more time with him alone ? At those ages they should be able to articulate if they're uncomfortable or worried about something. They may need a few goes before it comes out though.
I strongly suspect this is less about you as a person and more about their fears for their family unit

Yeah thanks so much, that's exactly what I am planning to do as have realised reading these posts that I don't think he has ever asked them what they want and how/when they want to spend their time with or without me there and they should absolutely have some choice in the matter. Great advice :)

OP posts:
Original poster
surfmum2301 · 01/03/2025 14:08

Crichel · 01/03/2025 14:00

But you say you went on holiday all together for a week last summer, when you can only have been a couple for a bare year, if that. I think that’s way too fast for children who have every reason to distrust adults and change. As I already said, many people are only introducing their children to a new partner at eighteen months.

Sure, your children are happy to chat to adults they barely know on a walk, but those adults aren’t their dad’s girlfriend, sleeping over in their house, taking them on days out with her children. They’re not worried their dad is going to marry them and force them into a blended family situation with new ‘siblings’ close to their own ages.

I really feel for that little girl peering around the door first thing in the morning and preferring to stay in her bedroom than be alone with you. She’s probably just hoping irrationally that you’ll be gone someday.

Obviously you have the right to have a relationship and no one’s suggesting single parents shouldn’t date, but I think you and your partner are minimising your impact on his children. Or, rather, not you as an individual, but the simple existence of a new girlfriend with similarly aged children who was introduced far too soon into their lives. Your impatience with his children’s failure to warm up to you is clear. Are you planning to live together, even if this coldness/indifference continues? Or is that what is worrying you, that it’s clear you can’t blend families if this goes on?

Show quote history

No we have no plans to live together in the near future. Just keep things as they are with lots of time apart and alone with our children and hopefully some time together as a unit. Thank you, I'm really taking on board that I am more than just a new person and that my relationship with their dad and the fact I stay over and take his attention makes it completely different. Naively, I really hadn't thought about it like that before and it makes total sense that I would pose more of a threat now.

OP posts:
Charcoalpen · 01/03/2025 14:09

Talk about intense!!!

Just leave them be op to go at their own pace

Crazycatlady79 · 01/03/2025 14:10

surfmum2301 · 01/03/2025 14:02

Yeah thanks so much, that's exactly what I am planning to do as have realised reading these posts that I don't think he has ever asked them what they want and how/when they want to spend their time with or without me there and they should absolutely have some choice in the matter. Great advice :)

Show quote history

They absolutely should have had some choice in the matter LONG before now.

How long had you been dating prior to being introduced to them?

18 months is next to no time at all and you are your boyfriend seem to be merrily providing a lot of surface 'experiences', but his children are giving strong signs that they do NOT want you in their home.

I think your boyfriend should be pulling them up on their manners - they should at least be saying "hi" and "bye" - but they don't want to include you in their lives.

Your boyfriend is a bloody idiot to let this carry on for so long without showing his children the most basic of respect by asking them how they feel about you being in their lives.

Charcoalpen · 01/03/2025 14:12

His children sound a little rude

but OP…. My heart is racing from your frenetic op outlining in depth all the ways you and this person are compatible. On the basis of this thread The issue I'm having is that his kids don't seem to feel comfortable around me, ….. I’m not sure I would feel particularly comfortable around you!

Charcoalpen · 01/03/2025 14:12

And your parenting styles are very similar

and yet he doesn’t pull his children up on being patently disrespectful to you?

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 01/03/2025 14:13

Cats usually ignore the person who is desperately trying to attract their attention!

Give them time , play it cool, kind but no pressure. They will come round in their own time. I think confidence can be more seriously affected when it’s the DM who has been unreliable.

Charcoalpen · 01/03/2025 14:13

18 months and already We went away on holiday a couple times too for a weekend and a whole week during the summer, again lots of action packed fun was had.

when did you introduce them all op?

Huskytrot · 01/03/2025 14:14

Charcoalpen · 01/03/2025 14:12

His children sound a little rude

but OP…. My heart is racing from your frenetic op outlining in depth all the ways you and this person are compatible. On the basis of this thread The issue I'm having is that his kids don't seem to feel comfortable around me, ….. I’m not sure I would feel particularly comfortable around you!

This.

18 months is nothing. Many people wouldn't have even introduced a new partner by that stage.

I think you just need to back off. Let your partner parent his (pretty traumatised) children and provide the stability they need.

Yes it's fine to have a big outing with all the kids once a month or so to do fun sports - but that's not the same as you being in their space on school nights etc. They are telling you they need more space and time... if you give it graciously you'll all benefit in the long run.

Swipe left for the next trending thread