Help! Why don't my partners children feel comfortable around me?

[surfmum2301]

Help! Advice/opinions wanted . . I recently met a new partner after being single for 5.5 years after separating with the father of my children. We've been together just shy of 18 months now. He is also a single parent and separated with his ex about 4 years ago. We both have very similar relationship histories - both have two children, 1 girl, 1 boy, both separated with the ex's due to them having addiction issues, both had full custody of our children for a long time and both have now re-instated a good co-parenting relationship with ex partners, who see the children regularly as both now in remission. Our children are all similar of ages 8, 9, 10 & 11 years.

We have really similar values and parenting styles, we are all really active people who love the outdoors, try to restrict screen time and promote good old fashioned board games, reading and arts and crafts . . you get the idea. My partner and I are also really well matched we have similar hobbies, intellect, eating and sleeping habits etc etc so all seems a pretty dreamy set up and there isn't a lot of negotiation or compromise required for when we hang out alone or with the children. The issue I'm having is that his kids don't seem to feel comfortable around me, they barely acknowledge that I exist. For instance when I come over they don't say hi or by to me, they don't engage in conversation with me, they rarely want to share things they've drawn or built or did at school with me. It's like I'm a complete stranger still. Right from the start we have parented really consciously to do it well for the kids - we started out doing short meet ups doing stuff the kids enjoy like inflatables at the swimming pool, jumping into the sea from the rocks, bike rides etc so all really positive stuff and something we are all on the same page with and can enjoy together. We went away on holiday a couple times too for a weekend and a whole week during the summer, again lots of action packed fun was had. I've always been careful not to force myself onto them and let them come to me in their own time, I don't try in any way to be their mum and just want to be a friend. I make sure I leave bed times to their dad when I stay over as I think that's a special time I don't want to intrude on. We do things with all the kids and we also do things when he or I don't have our own children so we can just concentrate on being with our partners kids. We don't live together and I only stay over a couple nights a week max, and usually arrive late after work so it's not like I'm intruding on their play time with their dad that they might resent me for. So I just don't get why they seem to feel completely indifferent towards me! When my partner comes to my house my kids will go to greet him at the door, they chatter non-stop to him and want to engage with him - what in my opinion is completely normal behaviour for this stage of our relationship. I would say my partners children are definitely more shy, and reserved than mine so I have tried to be mindful of this and reassured myself perhaps they are just quiet and they actually do like me - but this morning my partner had to take his son out so I was left alone in the house with his daughter for an hour first thing in the morning. I could hear her behind the door when she woke up in the morning so looked up and she was peaking around to see if I was in the room as she clearly didn't want to come in if I was there. When she saw me I gave her a big smile and wave and she ran off, it's like it's the first time she's ever met me! I just don't get it, they've had so much time to get comfortable around me and see that I'm a fun person who is up for doing all the things they love. I could understand it more if I was a completely different personality to their family values and they couldn't find a common ground with me.

I've tried talking to my partner about my concerns and we made a plan to try to do more things with just me and his kids and when I have made moves to initiate play with them, they will play with me but again it doesn't seem to move the relationship on to anything more secure and lasting. We have had a few issues with the kids falling out, as to be expected with 4 kids all the same age, but really nothing out of the ordinary. There's never been any arguments between me and their dad or I've not shouted at his kids or any behaviour that might make them untrusting of me. I'm happy to keep going as I feel as blended families go we have way less problems than many as we are all so well matched, but at the same time I feel really deflated and rejected and it is making me question whether it's always going to be like this and if it is whether I am okay with that as I don't think I am. It is still early days, as it's only been 18 months but by this stage I would have expected them to at least be happy to sit in a room with me! I really like his kids but I'm starting to feel demotivated and a bit awkward to try when I get nothing back.

Thanks for reading, I'm after any suggestions that might help to build a bond with his kids or similar experiences to help me feel like this is okay and normal and it's not me that's the problem. I don't have any other friends in a similar situation to ask.

I have lots of friends who my children have only met a handful of times and yet they will happily chat to them if we meet up for a coffee or a walk so that was the kind of relationship I was hoping for, nothing more

Stop comparing them to your children.
They have different personalities as you've previously mentioned but also different experiences and traumas.

Do you know how your dp's children are with other adults eg a new teacher at the start of the year?

Exactly

and the fact that both share a parent with addiction issues doesn’t mean they have the same shared trauma op

If you've only been together for 18 months, when did you both meet each other's kids and when did the children meet?

It all seems a bit full-on

4 months in

I disagree completely. I hope that my new partner will provide the safe, stable, reliable male role model that their father may never be able to be. He is an exceptional and committed father to his children and I think he already does have a positive input into my childrens lives. Our relationship will show them what safe, respectful and loving relationships can look like because both sets of children have not had this modelled by their other parent. I grew up in a house of conflict and parents who stayed together when they really shouldn't have for the sake of us kids, and is likely the reason I found myself in a toxic and dysfunctional relationship as an adult. I am proud that I had the strength to leave and not inflict this on my children and to show them that you do not have to stay with someone who is abusive towards you.

Oh,

very full on!

And I don't understand asking the kids for permission to start a relationship either (as you already had)
What if they'd said No?

We both know what would have happened if they said no bugger all

And I don't understand asking the kids for permission to start a relationship either (as you already had)
What if they'd said No?

It’s not about asking permission to be in a relationship. It’s about whether they want another adult around when they are with dad. Lots of kids would rather it be just them and dad rather than dad, new girlfriend and her kids too.

If the kids are quiet and introverted then it’s very possible that they will say yes to OP and her kids being around to spare dad’s feelings.

Go troll someone else if you have nothing helpful to contribute. I'm not a perfect human, just trying to do my best to navigate a situation I've never been in before, hence reaching out and asking for advice from others. We all get things wrong, overlook things, misunderstand situations - don't be so judgemental and unkind. Clearly I am taking the time to read and accept other peoples opinion and advice and happy to accept that I may need to make changes and do things differently to get it right for the children. I find it really sad that people are so quick to shoot someone down when they are asking for help. Shame on you.

Ah, OP you have some really helpful advice on here.

What's the situation with the children's Mum now? How she views you/talks about you will have a big impact on how the children feel about you. Do they still see any of their maternal family?

Equally if the children really do like you they will likely (probably subconsciously) feel guilty about this as they may feel they're betraying their Mum, hence them acting as if they don't like you. There's a lot of complicated feelings for them to process.

Your partner should OF COURSE speak to his children about what they're going through and how they feel about you and your children. Have the children had therapy? Is that something that could be made possible for them?

Regardless of anything I do think their Dad needs to pull them up if they are flat out ignoring you. That's not ok. And him being permissive here will cause you bigger problems longer term.

I can also see you trying so so hard. Just relax a little. Be yourself and don't try and force it.

OP you've had some great advice but do also bear in mind different personalities.
My own children are both very shy and unconfident around other adults. My son is still a bit shy around my mum who he saw nearly daily for his first two years. It's just how he is. Your own children sound very bright and friendly but perhaps his are just different and find it difficult to feel confident around you, in spite of spending a lot of time together.

Deleted as intended to quote previous post

OP, you are ignoring the conflict that is created when children are required to live in close proximity with adults and children to whom they are not related. There are many threads on the relationship boards attesting to this.

That is before even considering that your partner's children were barely 2 years out of a highly traumatising scenario when you met, and are likely to have ongoing issues in trusting any adults around them.

Your own children will have been very young when you left and you haven't mentioned any concerns about their recovery - have they escaped without issue?

OP, you've stressed a couple of times that you and he share the same values, but how do you know what his wife's "values" were. What does that even mean? These children have had a totally different experience to your kids, despite the face value coincidences. They are also living with their father and not their mother which can make a big difference in a child's life.

The situation is pretty good. She seems stable, is seeing them in the week now, has a job, house and does lots of lovely stuff with them. I am friends with her, we've gone to the cinema with the kids, my children have gone around to her house. I don't feel she would have said anything negative, she's said to me that she feels really happy that her ex has found a nice partner whom she feels comfortable to have around her kids.

Their dad has pulled them up on making sure they say hi/bye often. He is very good with their behaviour management and they are really well behaved, nice children in my opinion.

I think the therapy idea is a good one, and will speak to my partner about this. It was on the cards at one point via the school but not sure what came of that so will check in with him. I think as emotionally intelligent as he definitely is, he is still male so I am aware that talking about feelings etc may not come as naturally in conversation with his children as it does for me with mine. So definitely planning to suggest he makes a concerted effort to check in with his children and find out what they think would be the best set up.

Why should they feel comfortable around you? You aren't their girlfriend; you are a stranger thrust into their lives unilaterally after their real family broke up.

Maybe back way off.

I did read your post. How on earth do you read into my reply anything about being their mum? You’ve invented that, perhaps ask yourself why. My reply stands: it makes no odds what you “just want”. They neither need nor want you.

This x1000

It's so unfair to all of them. I'm aghast that they were involved only 4 months in.

I am friends with her, we've gone to the cinema with the kids, my children have gone around to her house.

come again?

she's said to me that she feels really happy that her ex has found a nice partner whom she feels comfortable to have around her kids.

Despite fact her kids don’t feel comfortable with you?

You describe family values and lifestyles that are very particular and intense. Then you describe relatively shy, quiet children. Do you actually know that the children enjoy the lifestyle their father has chosen? It’s surprisingly common for parents, particularly fathers, to selfishly impose a particular lifestyle on the family even if the children have completely different personalities.

they also just don’t have to like you. Even if you are doing everything right. They are people with their own opinions.

did both discuss with our respective children how they felt about the other person becoming our boyfriend/girlfriend before being publicly together and the kids were all really happy and gave the green light

planning to suggest he makes a concerted effort to check in with his children and find out what they think would be the best set up

OP, there are things that are for adults to decide with the best interests of the children foremost. Some things are more complicated or have more serious outcomes than others.

This is a red flag - another adult ignoring the children’s feelings.

Sorry think I miscommunicated this. Their parents were separated for 4 years before we met. Yes my kids were 1 and 3 years old when I left. Honestly, no I don't see there is any obvious trauma with mine. They are really happy, confident, outgoing kids. I have been super conscious of trying to not let them get traumatised and have frequently sought advice from a family friend who's a clinical psychologist as well as having CBT and other therapy myself and lots and lots of open talking with them. I've no doubt there will be issues there that will surface in the future but I think having one very safe, stable, reliable parent has been important and particularly with me being their mum who was always the primary carer before the split.

I don't think I'm ignoring the issues with trying to blend a family but I think there are pro's and cons. Good role modelling being one pro as mentioned above. Another pro is having support myself as a parent - I don't know if you've ever been a single parent but it's hard. I work 3 days per week, I had to ship my kids off to a childminder they hated because it was the only one I could find who started early enough for NHS shift pattern, getting them up at 6am. After work I don't get to chill and play with my kids as much as I'd like because I have to cook and do housework and take them to any after school clubs then do bath and bedtime before going straight to bed with no wind down myself because I have to get up and do it again the next day. Now I have a partner, some days when he comes over, he cooks whilst I clean. Or he will play with my kids whilst I cook or vice versa. Sometimes he can drop them to school when I work so they don't have to get up in the dark and leave their home, so they actually get a full nights sleep and can play with their toys in the morning. All these things make my life a bit easier so I can be less tired, more patient and present with my kids.

This is never going to be the ideal scenario. We will never be able to be a happy family with their biological other parent. So it's trying to make the best with what we have. Yes of course, all children are innocent and if I could turn back time and know what I do now back in my youth I never would have had children with that person, and neither would my partner - but we did. Many people have pointed out blended family hell, but there are also lot's of adults who had step parents that got it right and that they respect and feel have had a positive part to play in their lives either alongside their biological other parent or if that parent isn't is absent. That's the ultimate goal here and why I am reaching out for advice to hopefully mitigate any conflict or damage and try to build a happy, respectful relationship with my partners children.

How on earth has it transpired that your children have gone to the house of their mother, your boyfriend’s ex, who is an addict?

and you went to the cinema with her and the children… was your boyfriend there?