Help! Why don't my partners children feel comfortable around me?

[surfmum2301]

Help! Advice/opinions wanted . . I recently met a new partner after being single for 5.5 years after separating with the father of my children. We've been together just shy of 18 months now. He is also a single parent and separated with his ex about 4 years ago. We both have very similar relationship histories - both have two children, 1 girl, 1 boy, both separated with the ex's due to them having addiction issues, both had full custody of our children for a long time and both have now re-instated a good co-parenting relationship with ex partners, who see the children regularly as both now in remission. Our children are all similar of ages 8, 9, 10 & 11 years.

We have really similar values and parenting styles, we are all really active people who love the outdoors, try to restrict screen time and promote good old fashioned board games, reading and arts and crafts . . you get the idea. My partner and I are also really well matched we have similar hobbies, intellect, eating and sleeping habits etc etc so all seems a pretty dreamy set up and there isn't a lot of negotiation or compromise required for when we hang out alone or with the children. The issue I'm having is that his kids don't seem to feel comfortable around me, they barely acknowledge that I exist. For instance when I come over they don't say hi or by to me, they don't engage in conversation with me, they rarely want to share things they've drawn or built or did at school with me. It's like I'm a complete stranger still. Right from the start we have parented really consciously to do it well for the kids - we started out doing short meet ups doing stuff the kids enjoy like inflatables at the swimming pool, jumping into the sea from the rocks, bike rides etc so all really positive stuff and something we are all on the same page with and can enjoy together. We went away on holiday a couple times too for a weekend and a whole week during the summer, again lots of action packed fun was had. I've always been careful not to force myself onto them and let them come to me in their own time, I don't try in any way to be their mum and just want to be a friend. I make sure I leave bed times to their dad when I stay over as I think that's a special time I don't want to intrude on. We do things with all the kids and we also do things when he or I don't have our own children so we can just concentrate on being with our partners kids. We don't live together and I only stay over a couple nights a week max, and usually arrive late after work so it's not like I'm intruding on their play time with their dad that they might resent me for. So I just don't get why they seem to feel completely indifferent towards me! When my partner comes to my house my kids will go to greet him at the door, they chatter non-stop to him and want to engage with him - what in my opinion is completely normal behaviour for this stage of our relationship. I would say my partners children are definitely more shy, and reserved than mine so I have tried to be mindful of this and reassured myself perhaps they are just quiet and they actually do like me - but this morning my partner had to take his son out so I was left alone in the house with his daughter for an hour first thing in the morning. I could hear her behind the door when she woke up in the morning so looked up and she was peaking around to see if I was in the room as she clearly didn't want to come in if I was there. When she saw me I gave her a big smile and wave and she ran off, it's like it's the first time she's ever met me! I just don't get it, they've had so much time to get comfortable around me and see that I'm a fun person who is up for doing all the things they love. I could understand it more if I was a completely different personality to their family values and they couldn't find a common ground with me.

I've tried talking to my partner about my concerns and we made a plan to try to do more things with just me and his kids and when I have made moves to initiate play with them, they will play with me but again it doesn't seem to move the relationship on to anything more secure and lasting. We have had a few issues with the kids falling out, as to be expected with 4 kids all the same age, but really nothing out of the ordinary. There's never been any arguments between me and their dad or I've not shouted at his kids or any behaviour that might make them untrusting of me. I'm happy to keep going as I feel as blended families go we have way less problems than many as we are all so well matched, but at the same time I feel really deflated and rejected and it is making me question whether it's always going to be like this and if it is whether I am okay with that as I don't think I am. It is still early days, as it's only been 18 months but by this stage I would have expected them to at least be happy to sit in a room with me! I really like his kids but I'm starting to feel demotivated and a bit awkward to try when I get nothing back.

Thanks for reading, I'm after any suggestions that might help to build a bond with his kids or similar experiences to help me feel like this is okay and normal and it's not me that's the problem. I don't have any other friends in a similar situation to ask.

I’m 46 and my dad has been with his second wife for 25 years and I still don’t like her or want to spend time with her. I try to fight the feeling but I can’t! So I can only imagine how hard it is for tweenagers……

You have taken the place of their Mum - something over which they had no say.

However wonderful you might be, and however much the separation was objectively best for them, you have taken the place of their Mum in their Dad's affections.

You will never have the same relationship with them as you have with your own chidlren, nor will your new partner with yours.

It is important to have realistic expectations.

Good for you, OP. It’s good that you’re taking this on board. This is really on your partner, though. He needs to talk to his children and find out their wishes and fears, and what kind of threat you (possibly) represent to them. It might be that taking a step back helps. It might be that they’re dreading being presented with a fait accompli of you and your children moving in and suddenly they’re in a ‘unit’. It might be they think they’re going to have to share their bedrooms.

Tbh, I’m a bit shocked he hasn’t done this long ago. Surely he should be actively talking and listening to his young children, and their feelings. I hope they’re getting the help they need if they witnessed difficult things during the period when they lived with their mother when she was an addict.

I hear you, and in an ideal world no we would not have introduced things as fast as we have. The difficulty is when you are both the primary carer it's pretty difficult to firstly find time to meet anyone to potentially have a relationship and secondly to then keep it going and make it work. When you both have child free time once every other weekend it's quite a challenge to keep things completely separate from the kids and maintain any momentum and depth of intimacy.

When we first hung out with each others kids was about 4 months in but we just met up as 'friends' did a play date as I would with many other friends and their kids, just a couple hours at a soft play or walk etc then home. We did both discuss with our respective children how they felt about the other person becoming our boyfriend/girlfriend before being publicly together and the kids were all really happy and gave the green light. But I totally agree, reading these posts, that I think from here perhaps the momentum of the relationship since then has not matched the children's expectations and as you say we have not listened to their signals and boundaries about me being in there home - so point definitely understood. The kids do really like hanging out with each other and ask to go play and meet up if they've not seen each other for a while. We're not providing 'experiences' we're just doing normal stuff that we have always done with our children as that's how we enjoy spending our time, and I have done a lot of research on introducing partners to your children and it says you should find common interests and make visits doing something fun to help bonding so that's what we always try to do.

You sound lovely @surfmum2301 in the way you are taking advice on board. There are some excellent points here.

A couple of things stand out to me. One is that they are children of an addict mother as has been pointed out. No matter what the maternal influence is largely greater for most kids. So there’s that.

And secondly both you and your DP are former partners of addicts. That is something to look at. Co-dependency is often a character trait (I say this as a daughter of an addict). You certainly sound v self aware and caring. But you are viewing the children’s behaviour as a reflection on YOU rather than about them, their individual trauma, just their different personalities.

Invariably, with blended sibs of similar age and sex there is a tendency to compare. As your original post does. Let go of that. Each child has their own journey to becoming more comfortable with a new person in their parents life and theirs.

I am a divorced parent of teens / YA with a partner of 4 yrs without kids. We don’t live together. Whom they all on paper are very fond of but I wouldn’t say they seek him out or similar. And that’s ok!! I remind myself often they did not ask for “this” (divorced parent, new partner, more complexity).

I am willing to bet that if you just remain rock solid in kind, friendly interaction with no feeling of agenda or comparison eventually they will warm up. My only concern is that they feel discomfort in their home. Hopefully it will ease and I wish much happiness. You & your two families deserve it.

And to people saying kids are being disrespectful, impolite. Cop on.

What are the sleeping arrangements when you have been on the week Holiday abroad and the weekends away?

I agree you need to take a step back and not stay over while the children are there. Stop trying so hard and give them lots of time and space. They are obviously going to be wary of this new person in their dad's life. He is their only security and it sounds as if they've had a rough time with a mum who has battled addiction. Just because you think you've found your perfect match, doesn't mean they agree - you are not their choice, you're their dad's choice.

There are 4 traumatised children here, some of whom will have been affected more than others (some of the alcohol support threads may be enlightening).

The priority should be helping them to feel safe in their homes and families, and ensuring they can develop healthy relationships as they grow up.

This may mean adult relationships have to be taken at a slower pace. Children don't (and shouldn't!) understand anything about the momentum of adult relationships but their wellbeing should come before that momentum.

That’s one heck of a coincident?

Both with exes with very serious addiction issues who are both now
in recovery, and you both get on well with exes despite what I imagine to be a hellish history and you both have primary custody over your children

I cant imagine the horror these 4 children have endured with a parent with a devastating addiction history

You didn’t meet at Al Anon did you?? 🥺

This is what struck me. If you went away for weekends etc last year and you've only been together 18 months now that's very quick really.

Do you need to be blending so fast? You're boyfriend and girlfriend, not partners or a blended family yet. I would try not to stay round there too often when he has his kids.

Oh sorry I missed that!

@KidsDoBetter does the op say they met at al-anon?

No I am asking the question (in a poorly worded way). As someone flagged how quite coincidental it is to meet someone with such very specific similar circumstances.

I mean it’s not the end of the world if they did. But most 12 step programmes discourage it and describe it as 13th stepping.

I’ll edit my message.

Ask yourself why WOULD they feel comfortable with you? After some very scary and hurtful years they finally achieve some stability and security and then this random woman rocks up invading their home life and taking away their dad's attention.

See your boyfriend when the children aren't around.

Thank you this is super helpful advice

You're forcing it too soon. Go at the kids speed, not yours.

No we met through a mutual hobby and exchanged contacts through a mutual friend. I agree it is an uncanny coincidence to have such mirrored lives but I think it has been helpful. He's been the reliable, single parent who has had to take on the whole mental load so he totally gets it. Not many men out there who have had to do this and makes a huge difference to your understanding when you've been the one left holding all the responsibility. Secondly, I think a lot of people would run a mile when they find out you have an ex-addict in your kids lives, especially if they have children of their own as it screams 'damaged' so the fact that we accept each others history and can give support to one another to maintain ongoing forgiveness and patience you have to give to an ex-partner in recovery if you want to maintain civility.

Trying to blend families is never in the best interests of the children. It's always to suit the adults.

Have your relationship but leave the kids out of it.

You are a relative stranger to these kids. Their actions scream that you make them uncomfortable and they just want their home to be their safe space with their dad. It's time to back off.

Also have a word with yourself, why bring a strange man into your own kids lives after five minutes? Think with your brain instead of your crotch.

I’d love to know how you all sorted sleeping arrangements going on all these holidays so early on in meeting one another

Secondly, I think a lot of people would run a mile when they find out you have an ex-addict in your kids lives, especially if they have children of their own as it screams 'damaged'

yes op.

its called prioritising the children

It screams “damaged” because no doubt the children involved have been damaged

I agree with this. I think you’re expecting some Disney style blended family.

Maybe you should just take a step back and just date him rather than staying over when his children are there.