Help! Advice/opinions wanted . . I recently met a new partner after being single for 5.5 years after separating with the father of my children. We've been together just shy of 18 months now. He is also a single parent and separated with his ex about 4 years ago. We both have very similar relationship histories - both have two children, 1 girl, 1 boy, both separated with the ex's due to them having addiction issues, both had full custody of our children for a long time and both have now re-instated a good co-parenting relationship with ex partners, who see the children regularly as both now in remission. Our children are all similar of ages 8, 9, 10 & 11 years.
We have really similar values and parenting styles, we are all really active people who love the outdoors, try to restrict screen time and promote good old fashioned board games, reading and arts and crafts . . you get the idea. My partner and I are also really well matched we have similar hobbies, intellect, eating and sleeping habits etc etc so all seems a pretty dreamy set up and there isn't a lot of negotiation or compromise required for when we hang out alone or with the children. The issue I'm having is that his kids don't seem to feel comfortable around me, they barely acknowledge that I exist. For instance when I come over they don't say hi or by to me, they don't engage in conversation with me, they rarely want to share things they've drawn or built or did at school with me. It's like I'm a complete stranger still. Right from the start we have parented really consciously to do it well for the kids - we started out doing short meet ups doing stuff the kids enjoy like inflatables at the swimming pool, jumping into the sea from the rocks, bike rides etc so all really positive stuff and something we are all on the same page with and can enjoy together. We went away on holiday a couple times too for a weekend and a whole week during the summer, again lots of action packed fun was had. I've always been careful not to force myself onto them and let them come to me in their own time, I don't try in any way to be their mum and just want to be a friend. I make sure I leave bed times to their dad when I stay over as I think that's a special time I don't want to intrude on. We do things with all the kids and we also do things when he or I don't have our own children so we can just concentrate on being with our partners kids. We don't live together and I only stay over a couple nights a week max, and usually arrive late after work so it's not like I'm intruding on their play time with their dad that they might resent me for. So I just don't get why they seem to feel completely indifferent towards me! When my partner comes to my house my kids will go to greet him at the door, they chatter non-stop to him and want to engage with him - what in my opinion is completely normal behaviour for this stage of our relationship. I would say my partners children are definitely more shy, and reserved than mine so I have tried to be mindful of this and reassured myself perhaps they are just quiet and they actually do like me - but this morning my partner had to take his son out so I was left alone in the house with his daughter for an hour first thing in the morning. I could hear her behind the door when she woke up in the morning so looked up and she was peaking around to see if I was in the room as she clearly didn't want to come in if I was there. When she saw me I gave her a big smile and wave and she ran off, it's like it's the first time she's ever met me! I just don't get it, they've had so much time to get comfortable around me and see that I'm a fun person who is up for doing all the things they love. I could understand it more if I was a completely different personality to their family values and they couldn't find a common ground with me.
I've tried talking to my partner about my concerns and we made a plan to try to do more things with just me and his kids and when I have made moves to initiate play with them, they will play with me but again it doesn't seem to move the relationship on to anything more secure and lasting. We have had a few issues with the kids falling out, as to be expected with 4 kids all the same age, but really nothing out of the ordinary. There's never been any arguments between me and their dad or I've not shouted at his kids or any behaviour that might make them untrusting of me. I'm happy to keep going as I feel as blended families go we have way less problems than many as we are all so well matched, but at the same time I feel really deflated and rejected and it is making me question whether it's always going to be like this and if it is whether I am okay with that as I don't think I am. It is still early days, as it's only been 18 months but by this stage I would have expected them to at least be happy to sit in a room with me! I really like his kids but I'm starting to feel demotivated and a bit awkward to try when I get nothing back.
Thanks for reading, I'm after any suggestions that might help to build a bond with his kids or similar experiences to help me feel like this is okay and normal and it's not me that's the problem. I don't have any other friends in a similar situation to ask.