Step parenting & no bio kids

[winedokument]

I guess I'm just posting in the hope there's others out there who are in the same boat.

I'm a SP to three wonderful kids, my DP and I have no DCs of our own and no plans to unfortunately (finances, careers etc).

So anyone else feel the huge sense of being the outsider? Despite loving these kids dearly doing all the bio dad duties, providing (as is bare minimum for any step parent) anyone else feel the heartbreak of knowing that really your just a bolt on to the family and not really part of it?

Their dad is still the picture (I'll reserve my comment to avoid looking like the bitter one). So in reality these kids have a mum and dad, I just have no idea what I am.

If me and my DP broke up the reality I guess I'd just be a part of history and nothing else, whereas their father could dissappear and they'd always have that unconditional love for him as their dad.

Do you want to be a parent? If you do or think you ever might I’d give that some serious thought as step parenting isn’t a substitute. It can be extremely rewarding but it means all of the sacrifices and limitations of family life without the reward of being a mum or dad.

I was a step mum for years before having my own as it took us ages but it was on the cards from early days which meant I was in the headspace for family life.

I'd love q child of my own, but to be honest it's too late for my DP. She gave up her career and a huge portion of her life to bring up kids with her ExH, who I add did nothing until they divorced.

Biologically, practically and financially it's too late for us. I could never ask her to become a mother again, plus a conversation was had earlier in the relationship where I said no I was ok with not having a kid of my own.

Truth be told I wasn't honest and I'd have loved it, but I guess I said what I thought would be what she wanted to hear.

I wasn’t suggesting you had one with her. How old are you? How long have you been together?

I was suggesting you consider the best course for you and whether step parenting will give you what you really want and need if it also means you lose the chance to be a parent.

Apologies, I misunderstood.

I'm mid 30s DP mid 40s. Together 4 years. Involved quickly due to COVID, but I have no regrets. Can't speak for her though.

As I say I genuinely love her kids, but as many say it's not the same as having a bio kid, even if you so desperately want to have that connection.

Time is more than on your side if you wanted to start again and have your own children with someone else. Step parenting is absolutely no comparison to having your own. I was with my DP for 5 years, loved his kids, gave them my time, energy, love, and often money. One day he decided he was done and I haven’t seen them since. You feel like a bolt on because you are. Thankfully I have my own son so someone else’s children were a happy addition to my world, not my whole world.

Move on OP.

I would honestly move on op

I appreciate responses honesty, but if I'm honest, I'd never want to move on or leave this family. As I say I love them dearly and I'd never want to break up this little unit. My own lack of honesty early about kids is my own fault and I can't bring that mistake to bear on these wonderful humans.

I guess I'm not looking for solutions, just a chance to vent and feel heard, maybe hear from SPs who made it work for a lifetime.

I think the real problem is that you have no control on if your family lasts a lifetime. She holds all the cards, if she wants to separate, neither you nor the children have a protected right to continue a relationship.

It's brutal, but a parent can wake away with their children and a fully committed stepparent has no voice.

That's exactly it. It terrifies me, although I doubt my DP is that kind of person.

The analogy I've had in my head is that if the kids had two seats left on a spaceship leaving earth, they'd choose mum and dad, with no hesitation. I wouldn't blame them, it's their unconditional bond and love which is inmate, even if the father isn't present as he should be.

I've been with my husband for 4 years married for half of that time. I have 3 stepkids. We're not planning on having more. DH doesn't want any more but said he would if it was what I wanted however I don't want to have a baby so we're both in agreement there. I feel like if you want your own kids then you're going to grow to resent giving that up, especially since your partner hasn't managed to make you feel like part of the family. This is why lying and telling someone what they want to hear always backfires.

I perhaps felt like the outsider at the start of the relationship, but after 4 years I definitely feel like an integral part of the family. DH treats me as an equal parent. He discusses everything with me and we made decisions together as a team. There's never been "my kids" or "your kids".

Do you have any plans to marry? I already felt part of the family before we got married but marriage definitely solidified it. The only thing I worry about now is DH dying and me losing contact with the kids. If that happened though my SS18 who lives with us full time would probably stay living with me full-time. I'm not sure what would happen with my SD7. She'd definitely want to continue the 50:50 with just me. She's always said she has two mum's. The question would be whether BM would allow it. She would possibly stop contact out of spite. It scares me that I'd have no legal rights to her. So even with marriage and the security that our relationship is forever, there's always a fear of losing them.

I'm really glad you your relationship with your SK is good.

Please don't misconstrued my initial post, my partner does make me feel part of their family, will often refer to the kids as 'ours', I'm fully involved and obviously she is too. She's a tremendous mum I add too. Beautiful soul and endless love. The kids are amazing humans too, they're navigating a tricky thing with me being about.

It's me who feels the outsider feeling. Sometimes I just need a hig and reassurance that I'm doing things right and they love me. But I should learn to being my own internal validation.

Yes plans to marry. There's no way I'm going anywhere they're literally my life. I do feel that agnst you mention too about loosing my DP and then the kids to boot. Scares the life from me.

You have my sympathy @winedokument. I have been in a similar position and it's hard. The reality is if you split you'd lose the kids (degree of loss depending on various things). If you're happy stick with it and be realistic. It's worth talking to your partner about your feelings though, otherwise how can she know or help?

How long have you been together? Becuase I think this might be a "you" problem. I mean that nicely - it's easy to feel like the outsider but it sounds like you have a good relationship with these children, your DP includes you and you are treated as a core member of the family. It's just YOUR awareness that you're not officially their father that is the problem. is their dad in the picture?

I know quite a few people where the step parent relationship, particularly step father, is as powerful or even stronger than with the biological dad. A friend has had no contact with her actual father in 30 years. Her mother died 15 years ago but her step father is still very much part of her life and family, grandparent to her children etc.

DC (14) has a good friend who is the oldest of 3 full siblings with one half sibling. All three step children get on extremely well with the step father, who is clearly very involved in the overall family's life (eg attends matches for his step children as well as his actual child) and the friend's mum told me that the younger two call the step dad dad (DS's friend doesn't, but he's older and was older therefore when SD entered their lives. It's no problem).

DD's BFF now basically has 1 dad and two mums. I know her bio mum found it hard in the beginning but she has come to really value that there is this other person in her DD's life who loves her and will prioritise her. It's lovely to see them all workign together.

I think you need to work on how you feel and look at the realities vs how you feel - see the way you are treated very much as core to the family. Obviously, ify ou're NOT, that's a different story, but it sounds like you are.

This is going to eat you up. I'm guessing you're a man. You need to move on and find a younger woman who wants to be a mum.

You'll rarely get words of affirmation from kids. Even bio parents rarely get that.
I get "I love you" from my SD7. The teens are harder because I met them what they were teens so our relationship is different from the one I have with SD. They all get me something for mother's day and birthdays and Xmas etc. So I feel validated in that way.

Your DP should be telling you you're doing a good job, that she appreciates you etc. If she's already doing that and you're still feeling the way you are then I think that's something you need to work on yourself because it seems she is doing everything she can to make you feel included.

What ages are the kids?

i wonder if you opened up to your partner and said your fears, she could say look if we were together a long time 10-15 years + and split then I would still be happy for you to have a relationship with our children and would encourage them to stay in contact with you if you wanted and they wanted.

i told my stepmum of 20 years if she ever split with my dad I would still see her as much and love as much and I think it helped

Try get some one on one time with your step kids if you can.

To give you hope. My son still wants to see his step dad even after we split up. He occasionally spends an afternoon with him. Gets excited when he drops/picks up our Sheree child and chats to him at these handovers makes him come see what he's been doing etc. He absolutely is not like this about his biological father and it's a real effort to get him to go to contact with him.

The quality of the relationship is what makes the difference

I think you’re undervaluing yourself. You've been part of the kids lives for four years, and hopefully many more yet to come. They will appreciate that.

i saw a reel recently of a wedding, whereby the bio dad was about to walk down the aisle, when he halted the wedding, went and got the stepdad, and they walked the bride down the aisle together.

Also, a friend who husband left her (had an affair) is still in contact with her (ex-) sc, and is a ‘grandparent’ to their children.

Hi OP, you’re definitely not alone in feeling like the outsider! I resonate with every word of your post. The continual heartbreak is real, and I don’t think there’s any avoiding it really. I go through waves of it feeling better or worse depending on what else is going on in my life. Last year I hit a low and even considered leaving to avoid the heartache, but ultimately I know the heartbreak of leaving my (now husband) and step son behind would be more painful than staying. Getting married did help. Also agree with previous poster who said about getting one on one time with the kids - I feel so much more like a parent when I get one on one time with my SS and it makes me feel much more fulfilled. Also my partner gets a break too which he appreciates so it’s a double win.

Re: one on one time - try to initiate time where your partner is truly “gone” I.e. not just in another room. Take the kids out somewhere or insist your partner goes out on her own for a couple of hours.

Also I make more effort now to do things for myself which really helps, seeing friends etc or pursuing hobbies even if it falls (or sometimes especially) on weekends with SS

Thanks for all the replies. The kids are teens and youngest just leaving primary school.

I agree it's probably a me problem and that I need to work on myself.

I tend to spend time with the youngest doing stuff as we're very similar and very active, thinking about it, it's those times I feel most validated and a real father. The older two are trickier to do stuff with, but at their ages I guess they're becoming more social with friends and independent so it's harder to anyway.

At the moment my DP has a lot going on, so as much as I should talk with her, it's nor fair in the current situation, plus I'm terrible at talking which only makes things worse.

As they become teenagers they’ll want less and less to do with any form of parent, OP.

It’s not biologically normal to want to devote your life to someone else’s kids. If you had one of your own, you’d understand that. You are the outsider here and that’ll never change.

If you want children and to be part of a biological family, there are hundreds of thousands of women in their 30s who want the same.