Step parenting & no bio kids

[winedokument]

I guess I'm just posting in the hope there's others out there who are in the same boat.

I'm a SP to three wonderful kids, my DP and I have no DCs of our own and no plans to unfortunately (finances, careers etc).

So anyone else feel the huge sense of being the outsider? Despite loving these kids dearly doing all the bio dad duties, providing (as is bare minimum for any step parent) anyone else feel the heartbreak of knowing that really your just a bolt on to the family and not really part of it?

Their dad is still the picture (I'll reserve my comment to avoid looking like the bitter one). So in reality these kids have a mum and dad, I just have no idea what I am.

If me and my DP broke up the reality I guess I'd just be a part of history and nothing else, whereas their father could dissappear and they'd always have that unconditional love for him as their dad.

I'm a step mum to three now adult children. Different scenario in that their mum died some time before. What I'm seeing here is what I experienced in the first few years was what I called 'Mary poppins effect' I tried to be everything for everyone. Trying to shoehorn myself into their family life.
But the truth is they had already created a life for themselves before I arrived. I had to take a massive step back. Invest more time in myself and what I wanted to do. I'm eleven years into the relationship and while I'm not their mother, they absolutely see me as a parent. I see them without my partner very frequently and we continue to do a lot as a family. It feels very natural and I know the children would want to keep a relationship regardless of whether I was with my partner. You have to stop trying. Spend more time doing your own thing and acknowledge they were their own unit before you came. You don't get to just join it. You have to invest time in acknowledging their existing dynamic and slowly introducing a new dynamic that suits everyone. Stop making them the centre of your existence as it is a heavy price to pay if things don't work out.

You absolutely are allowed to change your mind about having kids you know.

Quite possibly you're on the money there. I definitely don't help myself!

Hi there. I was a step mum for over a decade. Didn't bring any children of my own into the situation. Always wanted them and eventually we had a son together after going through 6 years of fertility issues, surgery and IVF. I found my experience difficult and to be brutally honest if I could advise my younger self it would more than likely be to be hesitant. Step parenting is not the same as parenting. For a while it looked for us as if we wouldn't get to have a child together and although I loved and cared for my step son, I knew we wouldn't last of that was the case because the high conflict and at times nasty relationship with his ex tortured me at times and would have continued to do so. After 10 years of having his child 50/50 he's been no contact for the last 3. Mum met a new man (Clare's law disclosure and all sort has gone on and she's since left him after stealing the contents of his house whilst he was working offshore ) and unbeknown to us filled his sons head with nonsense whilst dragging my husband through court tribunals which he ultimately won and was paid compensation for via the CMS. If they have an amicable relationship, a genuine connection for everyone is possible and a life of fulfilment. It's just my experience but I feel it's rarely achievable in high conflict situations because my connection to my step son was very much based on mums permission. Fine when I was of use to her, not ok once my uses ran their course. And ultimately my fertility trouble forced me to face up and be more selfish about what I wanted. Have a really honest look at what you want in terms of father hood and the experience you would like xx good luck xx

I get this! I'm 100% feeling you. I'm totally integrated into a family of 4 (3 adult stepchildren, no children of my own). Although I'm definitely included in family life, I feel I'm holding myself back or feel "excluded" even though it's not the case. So hard to explain and I've felt alone for 3.5 years as no-one I know is in the same situation. I'm marrying into the family in a couple of months and I'm trying to sort myself out.

I'm so sorry you're going through it all, it sounds horrid.i wish you the best too!

I think in reality you (we) will always hold back and it's rubbish, but unless anyone is in the position it's impossible to truly empathise.

Appreciate it's self indulgent and as a previous poster has rightly suggested, somewhat victim mindset - but I'll allow myself to be so for a moment. Sep parents, espcially those with no bio kids means, for me anyway, my DP has more in terms of a true connection with their ex than me, and that I'm a consolation prize at best.

I feel you are very harsh on yourself, even more so than me and I'm awful to myself! You're not a consolation prize. The parents of the children will always have a bond but only because of the children, as individuals they are no longer in love I'm guessing, your DP is in love with you I'm sure. It's a hard position to be in, but if you're truly accepted as part of the family, as am I, maybe it's time we acted like it. What's the worst that could happen? I'm terrified of being hurt but I'm also hurting myself by holding back. You may be doing the same.

It was me who said you're being a victim. I'd love to see what DS' friend and his brothers and mother would think abot this attitude if you were his stepfather considering his stepfather is very involved, very active, and clearly very loved by all members of the family and takes on a big chunk of the responsibilities for family life. Ditto, DD's BF's step mother is almost as close to her as to her own mother. To the point that in the beginning her actual mother found it hard. But now they all work together for the benefit of their DD.

Again, late night post so I'm probably being bit things worse at night kinda thing. It's all intrinsic I guess, no fault of anyone's but mine. It's the whole if it all goes wrong I'll literally not have those kids in my life potentially yet their dad will always be their dad.

I hope you find peace in your situation and you manage to full embrace the situation I will keep trying myself too!

I do all these things, I full immerse myself in their lives and I hope I fulfil their expectations of me as a SF. I'm polite and respectful to their bio father in the interests of the kids, despite his issues and mine.

I appreciate I do have a victim mentality most likely, but this feeling of the outsider is not something I can snap out of, as much as I'd wish to. It's a horrid feeling, hence why I'm just venting on a forum instead of speaking to DP as its my problem not hers.

Have you considered some cousnelling. Talking to a trained professional might help you to move past these feelings and/or accept them.

I have been, but never spoken about this topic, probably more important things I need to fix about myself first! 😆

Appreciate it though.

You want your own children and family. I don't think that's something you can or should be "therapied out of" . To be blunt in your circumstances, I wouldn't be spending my life paying for and raising somebody else's children if I wanted my own children. I wouldn't be working on making a house I had no claim on nice for somebody else's children. Your dp might be lovely but she made her choice to have children who she is presumably leaving her house to rather than to you. How would you feel if 20 years on she kicked you out or died leaving you essentially homeless. I have sons and would hate to see either of them in your situation.

I’ve been a DSM for 11 years. I don’t have any children of my own and having been a DSM - I’m glad I didn’t as it’s an absolutely thankless task.

At times I’ve felt like that outsider. But once you realise you can’t care more than the parents it’s so much easier.

I’m luckily in that I have a great group of friends (many without kids) and social life - so I can take myself off when I want to.

My challenge has been a very toxic EW. Who despite being divorced now for over 13 years is still as bitter & toxic as the day they divorced. She’s spent those 13 years dripping poison into the kids ears / alienating them (and yes - it is a thing / real). The kids aren’t ‘allowed’ to have a relationship with their dad & me. They aren’t even ‘allowed’ to call their dad ‘dad’ in front of her as apparently it upsets her. We’re only allowed to be referred to as ‘him’ & ‘her’.

I think so much depends on the relationship with the other parent. If they can co parent & be amicable (behave like adults) then you have a much better chance of success & being brought into the fold. Any hint of toxicity then you have no chance due to the loyalty bind that parent creates.

I’ll never have a close bond / relationship with my SK’s as mum will never allow that (and at 16 & 19 I’m loosing hope that the kids will realise what mum has done).

Good luck 🤞

He doesn't need to be "therapied out". He needs therapy to help him accept the decision he has already made. He does not wnt to leave this relationship or this family and has said he has accepted not having his own children. So now he needs to really mean that or he's going to be unhappy forever (or, perhaps therapy will make him realise he simply can't be happy like this and he'll leaev. I don't know).

I really don't mean to demonise my DP, the house has been, so far anyway paid for in the vast majority by her (deposit etc) I contribute now I'm working a decent paying job, I'm not on the mortgage, but that's not been ruled out when the term is up. However as I say it's her house by rights. Especially after she put a roof over my head whilst I was out of work.

I would assume the house would go to her kids, but that's what I'd want too. I don't have my own family to pass any of my very limited assets to. I don't even think she has a will. I know I don't. But as I say whatever I had and when I get round to life insurance I'll just assign her as beneficiary. Yes there is a distinct risk of being asked to leave and ending the relationship - not a nice thought but rational.

It's all just limbo.

Not sure taking myself away or stepping back, not now anyway is healthy for the family. Don't get me wrong, it's great you've got an outlet, but in our situation saddling my DP with childcare for me to do my own thing wouldn't work, plus they're all still school aged.

I truly feel for you that you have to deal with the toxicity of your DPs Ex. In any situation an ex partner is hard to have around, it's like you never feel like they're free of their ex if that makes sense? Add the horrible posion and it's even worse.

You're right. I need to get myself sorted. It's not fair on my partner.

@winedokument , I’m going to put this gently , but I don’t think your partner is being fair on you . You seem to have placed her on a pedestal , and to be accepting a situation, that on a fundamental level isn’t working for you .

What about when you are older, in your 60s and 70s . If you are sad about not having kids now, how will you feel then ? Worse , I would say . Also no potential for grandchildren.

‘You feel like a bolt on because you are’ sounds right, sadly.

You say ‘things moved fast’ during covid: you and your partner’s choices affected 3 DC.

You have lied for years about not wanting biological DC - that was shit and doesn’t just affect you.

Having made choices that reduce your opportunity to have biological DC doesn’t mean things will go well with your partner or her DC in the near future. It’s not the DCs’ job to fulfil your wishes about fatherhood.

If you’d only been dating since around 2019 and her two older DC were nearing or at secondary age and didn’t know you they probably weren’t pleased you moved in, nor that she financially supported you for a time. Perhaps it was a sudden change in their lives, after other problems. You say there have since been somenhard times for your household, with problems with the house, which will have affected everyone and the dynamics between you.

If there are issues now in your relationships with each of your SC and you stay, that will likely continue as they grow up. One or more of them may well not love or even like you. As adults they might like seeing you with their mum or might avoid you. Should you break up for any reason they might indeed not wish to see you more than occasionally, or even at all.

Loving your DP and SC (if you do in fact truly feel that way about each of them - if you don’t they will be able to tell), especially if it’s unreciprocated by the DC, doesn’t necessarily mean staying is a good thing for you as an individual. Hard to tell what might be best for your step DC at this point.

Please stop telling the DC you love them frequently, it’s OTT and a lot of pressure on them even if you do genuinely feel that way.

I think this is stemming from you not being honest with your partner.

you want to marry her but can’t open up about something bothering you?

you never know she might be secretly wanting more kids but you said to her you didn’t want more.

but regardless - it’s ok to say to her you love her to pieces and this doesn’t change the strong future you have planned together- but watching her be such a good mum makes you a little sad you won’t be having a child together

clean this festering wound out - just opening up about your feelings might make it go away

Ultimately it was me who said no to kids at the early stages. If anything it's me not being fair on her. As I've said before it's my mess I've created.

It's not a case of not working, it's just the feeling of being an outsider, once again that's my mess and neither my DP or her kids should suffer due to me.