Page 4 | Step parenting & no bio kids

winedokument · 2025-02-25T21:27:45+00:00

I guess I'm just posting in the hope there's others out there who are in the same boat. I'm a SP to three wonderful kids, my DP and I have no DCs of our own and no plans to unfortunately (finances, careers etc). So anyone else feel the huge sense of being the outsider? Despite loving these kids dearly doing all the bio dad duties, providing (as is bare minimum for any step parent) anyone else feel the heartbreak of knowing that really your just a bolt on to the family and not really part of it? Their dad is still the picture (I'll reserve my comment to avoid looking like the bitter one). So in reality these kids have a mum and dad, I just have no idea what I am. If me and my DP broke up the reality I guess I'd just be a part of history and nothing else, whereas their father could dissappear and they'd always have that unconditional love for him as their dad.

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Original poster

winedokument · 13/03/2025 08:25

Loopytiles · 13/03/2025 05:47

‘You feel like a bolt on because you are’ sounds right, sadly.

You say ‘things moved fast’ during covid: you and your partner’s choices affected 3 DC.

You have lied for years about not wanting biological DC - that was shit and doesn’t just affect you.

Having made choices that reduce your opportunity to have biological DC doesn’t mean things will go well with your partner or her DC in the near future. It’s not the DCs’ job to fulfil your wishes about fatherhood.

If you’d only been dating since around 2019 and her two older DC were nearing or at secondary age and didn’t know you they probably weren’t pleased you moved in, nor that she financially supported you for a time. Perhaps it was a sudden change in their lives, after other problems. You say there have since been somenhard times for your household, with problems with the house, which will have affected everyone and the dynamics between you.

If there are issues now in your relationships with each of your SC and you stay, that will likely continue as they grow up. One or more of them may well not love or even like you. As adults they might like seeing you with their mum or might avoid you. Should you break up for any reason they might indeed not wish to see you more than occasionally, or even at all.

Loving your DP and SC (if you do in fact truly feel that way about each of them - if you don’t they will be able to tell), especially if it’s unreciprocated by the DC, doesn’t necessarily mean staying is a good thing for you as an individual. Hard to tell what might be best for your step DC at this point.

Please let me clear any doubt, my DP did look after me and yes things moved fast, but she always put her kids needs first and rightly so. She's an incredible mum and any negative impacts will be a result of me, nothing to do with her actions.

We're a good little unit, practically I think I'm doing 'ok' as SF, but yes you're right they probably don't love me, and maybe don't like me. But all credit to them if they don't they're being very very kind about it - credit to how their mum brought them up.

I have no idea what they'd want if my DP broke up with me, maybe I'd be of practical use at best.

OP posts:

Enko · 13/03/2025 08:31

@winedokument I haven't read all the thread but I wanted to say. I wse 5 when my stepdad came into my life. I am now 55. My mum is dead and both my dad's are still alive.

Its stepdad that's coming to my daughters wedding this October. He is as engaged in our life as my dad is (better health hence my dad can't make the wedding) he is as much a part of our family as my dad is. For many years. Stepdad and my dad celebrated Christmas together with my sister and niece. (Stepdad now in a longterm relationship and celebrated last christmas w her but he is still welcome at sisters)

Its.not a given that you won't be a part of the family. Or less involved. You can find a way.

Also my children call stepdad grandad as he is their grandad.

Original poster

winedokument · 13/03/2025 23:29

Enko · 13/03/2025 08:31

@winedokument I haven't read all the thread but I wanted to say. I wse 5 when my stepdad came into my life. I am now 55. My mum is dead and both my dad's are still alive.

Its stepdad that's coming to my daughters wedding this October. He is as engaged in our life as my dad is (better health hence my dad can't make the wedding) he is as much a part of our family as my dad is. For many years. Stepdad and my dad celebrated Christmas together with my sister and niece. (Stepdad now in a longterm relationship and celebrated last christmas w her but he is still welcome at sisters)

Its.not a given that you won't be a part of the family. Or less involved. You can find a way.

Also my children call stepdad grandad as he is their grandad.

Thank you for sharing wholesome and truly positive personal account of your relationship with your step father. It's absolutely beautiful how you speak of him and how your kids call him grandad as he held so dearly by them too. You sound like a really wonderful family!

OP posts:

Woahtherehoney · 23/03/2025 21:32

Yes, I feel this! Step mum to my DSS who is 6 - I love the absolute bones of him, he’s one of the biggest joys in my life. Me and DP may have kids of our own one day but it’s less likely the older I get (in my early 30s). Our pattern is 4 days a week with us, 3 with his mum (she has younger kids) but he realistically spends 5-6 days a week with us and just one with his mum as she struggles a lot with his behaviour.

i do a lot of the parenting as DP works odd shifts - will happily have DSS here even if DP is at work. But I don’t attend any medical appointments, school appointments, meetings with the senco…nothing. Even though I do the majority of the childcare. It’s tough as I feel like a babysitter most of the time!

TayceOnToast · 24/03/2025 18:58

Woahtherehoney · 23/03/2025 21:32

Yes, I feel this! Step mum to my DSS who is 6 - I love the absolute bones of him, he’s one of the biggest joys in my life. Me and DP may have kids of our own one day but it’s less likely the older I get (in my early 30s). Our pattern is 4 days a week with us, 3 with his mum (she has younger kids) but he realistically spends 5-6 days a week with us and just one with his mum as she struggles a lot with his behaviour.

i do a lot of the parenting as DP works odd shifts - will happily have DSS here even if DP is at work. But I don’t attend any medical appointments, school appointments, meetings with the senco…nothing. Even though I do the majority of the childcare. It’s tough as I feel like a babysitter most of the time!

Want to give you a hug. It’s tough. ❤️

OldLondonDad · 28/03/2025 11:30

Despite my username, I'm in the same situation.

Two big things helped me come to terms with it:

Accepting my choices are my responsibility. I try to live by this rule anyway - no blaming others. But there is a realisation that the consequences (no children of my own) come directly from my own decision. So if you think you made the right choice of partner, you have to accept the consequences.
I sort of played forward in my mind to "if I die without ever having my own children, how much will that have impacted my happiness?". The answer was not much. Hard to quantify, but if I attempted to, I figured a really tiny amount of less happiness.

Those two together basically led me to saying, ok, this is my situation, I should embrace it and stop thinking of what could otherwise be.

It's worth adding that I spent years dating women in their thirties and trying to find someone to have a family with. Never found the right one. Decided to focus less on age and consider women with kids already and met a lovely girl practically overnight. There is no guarantee you're going to find someone better than you're with now.

SandyY2K · 29/03/2025 08:59

OP, I would suggest they you find the time to have a life outside of your relationship as well.

It seems to me they your have somewhat lost your identity and have no idea who you are.

Life is more than family. You need a healthy balance of family time, couples time, individual time, and friends/social time.