Step parenting & no bio kids

[winedokument]

I guess I'm just posting in the hope there's others out there who are in the same boat.

I'm a SP to three wonderful kids, my DP and I have no DCs of our own and no plans to unfortunately (finances, careers etc).

So anyone else feel the huge sense of being the outsider? Despite loving these kids dearly doing all the bio dad duties, providing (as is bare minimum for any step parent) anyone else feel the heartbreak of knowing that really your just a bolt on to the family and not really part of it?

Their dad is still the picture (I'll reserve my comment to avoid looking like the bitter one). So in reality these kids have a mum and dad, I just have no idea what I am.

If me and my DP broke up the reality I guess I'd just be a part of history and nothing else, whereas their father could dissappear and they'd always have that unconditional love for him as their dad.

There are countless women your age who can't find a man good enough to have a kid with. You would easily be able to find a new girlfriend and have a kid.
You'll likely end up deeply regretting it if you choose to stay with this woman, since you want your own child.

(Edited to add by 'good enough' I meant high quality, feminist, life enhancing, zero baggage, intelligent, capable etc. it wasn't disparaging women with standards)

The crazy thing is the teens love hanging out with their mum, it's amazing to see how much they love her, the youngest too just adores her.

They like me, maybe the youngest feels love for me, she does say it to me on occasion. I tell them I love them every day, which I do.

Yes, I guess I'm never going to be part of their life like the mum or dad. I guess my role is more the childless uncle who does the active stuff.

I won't leave, never will. I love my DP, her kids and I'd never want to disrupt their life. I do want my own, but I have to accept it won't happen. I just need to suck it up and play my part in their life best I can.

That's heartbreaking for you I'm sorry to hear that. I don't know how I'd cope in that situation.

I hate to agree when your current position is generally fine, but it's slowly going to turn to not fine, then resentment, then you'll split anyway...

I have no hobbies any longer, only doing up the house. To which I have no material right to either, but it's my duty to make it nice for the really. Friends are few and far between now. Although I'm not awfully social.

My days off (admittedly many per month due to the nature of my job) are taken up with the house, child care (school duties) etc. Then due to how we split childcare I work most weekends.

Having my own life will just cause resentment and frustration that the house is stuck in a perpetual state of renovation.

That’s a worrying update.

Agree with @AnneLovesGilbert

I think there will definitely come a time when you will have served your purpose and be surplus to requirements, OP.

It's definitely for the best that you won't be having children with this partner.

If you really won't leave, please get legal advice re the house, at the very least.

Although I suspect that your partner won't like the conversation which follows and then leaving won't be up to you anyway.

You deserve better than this.

I agree with both of the posters above , you need to leave .

It sounds like you have sacrificed a lot to remain in a family you don't feel part of. Your resentment will only grow over the years. Find yourself again. Start a new hobby, meet new friends or reconnect with old ones. No one should have to sacrifice their entire being to exist in a relationship. Don't be a martyr and start putting yourself first sometimes.

OP, this might sound harsh but I too am alarmed by your updates… why is it that you feel so little right to your own life?
And why is it that someone who loves you is content to see you hollow yourself out on their behalf? Either she doesn’t see it so doesn’t appreciate it or she does see it and doesn’t care? Not great options there.
You deserve space to exist in your own life and it seems like you don’t believe that.
You get one life and if you were my son I’d be heartbroken to see you wasting it like this.

I've got to admit I wrote my posts in a pretty emotional state, not exactly mature I guess.

My DP is a far better human than I am, let me just remove any misconception she's not a wonderful person.

In fairness to my DP they haven't stopped me doing anything, far from it, and any frustration about the house is entirley justified, she's been living in a half done house for too long. I just feel guilty that she doesn't get time for hobbies herself and how our living situation would have been better if I'd been in a better position when coming to buy.

I just feel a duty to her and her kids to provide, especially after they got me through some pretty crap MH issues amongst other things. She's done a lot for me. More than anyone else. I didn't work for a period and she was so good to me.

I don't think she would ever screw me on the house, but in all fairness it is her on paper and her divorce paid the deposit.

My life just feels like this weird hybrid of being a parent and a childless guy and I worry I'm just ok for now, but I'm this nor that. No matter how hard I try I'm not dad ultimately and never will be.

There's just so much stress for her at the moment that bringing it up is selfish and even if I could talk about this to them I'm awful at being honest.

Sorry for being such a chaotic OP.

This is not ok. Really not.

This OP is a people pleaser—that’s obvious from his posts. There is no point telling him he will “feel resentful” at some future point in tome because he is not constructed to feel this way about himself or relationships. He needs to be the rescuer so completing the task of fixing a house he will never own is anathema to him. Owning itself , and needing/wanting separate things from the perfect family (whose needs and wants are paramount) is also hard for him to envision.

I am 44, and my DH is 49.

We met and married 3 years ago.

We both have children from our previous marriage (I know this part is different for you), and we both love and care for our blended family. Everyone is treated equally.

When we met, we both said we didn't want any more children, we were content with our existing children, and we were so happy we'd found one another, that was our miracle. Our ages also factored into this. We wanted to travel, keep excelling professionally, and support our existing children, all of which we have done and we continue to do.

However, I am currently pregnant (natural conception and planned) with our first child together. I'll be 45, and my DH will be 50 when I give birth.

It is a completely, completely different feeling to having our own separate children. We love our existing children but this is our joint child, 50% him and 50% me. It's hard to explain, but we feel this is part of our bond with one another and enhances what we already have. He's also loving the experience for the stage in life that he is at, me not so much with the nausea! And, it may all go wrong, and we may not be successful in the end, but I'm so glad we've tried. We'd have regretted it otherwise.

I cannot imagine not experiencing my own biological children (health permitting), especially making an active decision not to have any of my own at all due to the partner I've chosen.

Your partner has her children, and while you're part of their life, it is different to having your 'own'. And you're right. If you split up, all you'll be is a memory. It's fine that your partner doesn't want anymore, but it's also fine that you realise you'd love a child of your own.
I understand you both talked about this, but you are allowed to change your mind, I did, and you are allowed to pursue your dreams.

You live once in this life. Should you decide to, it will be very hard to make that change, but it'll be even harder if you don't.

I met my dp when I had a 4 year old , and he was childless having come out of a relationship with someone who didn’t want children. If I hadn’t wanted any more , I wouldn’t have got involved with him , it wouldn’t have been fair .

I do like the feeling of being useful and providing for others, but I can also be a self centred horrid piece of s* sometimes.

Maybe it stems from when I can give them something their father is incapable of doing I feel 'better' than him. I don't know.

Sorry, I'm a little bit of a pathetic fragile man! 😅

Changing my mind or even telling the truth now is a bit late I fear. Plus, if DP saw something substantial in me surely biology would indicate to her that she wanted me to father kids of our own. I don't think changing my mind now is fair on anyone, DP or her kids.

Yeah, that's a huge fear, something which I fear is edging closer and closer. Apart from being practical and of some material use I'm not exactly needed here. I often think my DP and her kids would probably be as content or even happier without me about. As I say I feel I serve the job they need me for now, there's not much else I see myself as bringing to the table.

Again however, I'm not really looking for any solutions, I just really need to vent to strangers.

There was another post here recently by a man who was devastated because his relationship was ending, his SC were late teens and he was about to lose his entire “family” in one go…

You might be willing to martyr yourself for them now OP, but how will that decision feel if you’re 50, she ends it, and you’re homeless and alone with no savings and no chance to start again?

It sounds like your mental health is still a big problem, you shouldn't think of yourself this way. If your DP can't see your value that is on her, it doesn't mean you don't have value. You can need someone because you love them, they don't need to bring anything specific to the table, that's not how you measure people. You are worth more than the material things and the hard work you provide. The kids might only need you for now, but if you think your DP is only in it for what you can provide and will be done with you afterwards then she's not the good person you think she is. It does sound very much like you're being used, but I don't know if that's a function of what your DP is like or it's driven by your self esteem and the lack of value you seem to place on yourself. No good adult would use you like that, kids well they're young and self centred and that's different, but if an adult is using you this way they're not a good person. Your value doesn't depend on renovations and child care and denying yourself a life. You deserve more.

That's terrifying, but I don't want to be apart from this lot. I love them so much, plus this person has given so much to me that anything less than being 100% in is just selfish and a slap in their face for all their love and compassion.

Your gut is trying to warn you of impending doom.

Whilst you may not want to make any decisions now, you can quietly make provision for yourself.

At the very least start saving a contingency fund and don't touch it.

Are you paying for her children and renovations?

If so you need to keep proof of the value you are adding to this house.
It is not unreasonable to protect yourself.

OP, Nicely, you have a bit of victim mentality here which I really think you need to get over. Seek therapy if necessary. Your Dp and her kids, by all accounts, love you and treat you really well. YOU are the one who feels like the outsider.

To be honest, people who are constantly acting and feeling like victims can be as difficult to deal with as people who are obnoxious and over the top. I don't know if your DP is aware of any of this victimhood you are portraying but if she is, it's either goign to make her start to feel like she has to second guess every decision and every interactin, or it will exhaust her and she'll draw away.

I would strongly recommend you look for a therapist. I don't think you need years of therapy... just someone to help you look at what is really happening vs how you feel and work on some tools to get those more aligned.

OP my DH is a step parent but has no biological DC of his own. I know it's not always an easy position to hold. My DH has helped me raise my youngest DC. My older 2 were 19 and at Uni and 17 at the time we got together. DH has been the most brilliant Step Dad. When DS who has ADHD was young he was very patient with him. He came with me to his appointments and listened to the advice of the consultant to give D's lots of opportunities to burn off his energy outdoors if possible. He bought him a trampoline to jump in the garden for 10-15 mins each morning before school. He walked him to school every day. He watched his swimming and trampoline lessons. He helped him with Maths and Science homework right up to A levels. He also insisted on paying a very generous amount to younger DS so he could put down a large deposit for his house. He's helped DS with DIY and taught him so many useful skills. DS repays him by taking him out for a curry as he won't accept any payments for helping him. He's provided for all my DC in his will. I know if I died tomorrow all 3 of my DC would continue to have a good relationship with DH. He's also Grandad to my 2 DGS's too. My exh is still in DD and younger DS's life. He sees DD twice a year and younger DS about 4-5 times a year. My eldest DS doesn't see him at all. I noticed when my youngest DS broke down in his car about 4 miles from his biological Dads house he ran out of fuel, he didn't ring his Dad for help he rang DH, his Step Dad. I've noticed a few things like this over the years. It's obvious which one he knows he can always count on. I also know my youngest DS has put me down first then his stepdad down as next of kin on important forms. Over the years he's learned the hard lesson his biological Dad will only want contact on his terms when he feels like it, whereas his StepDad is available to him all the year round. Be like my DH, be a constant source of support for your Step Children and as they grow up they'll know you are reliable and there for them. My DH says he feels like a Dad to my DC and that's because in all but biology he is there Dad.