Step child’s weird food issues - DP issue

[User1111122]

I very much do try to internally manage my own feelings on this as I’m not the parent but there are times where I think DP should step in.

SS is 11. He is very slim but tall. He has a lot of tummy issues and his mum is always on at DP to take him to the doctors about it, for tests and investigations. He misses a lot of school.

At every mealtime he is a very messy eater as he doesn’t use cutlery and picks food apart with his hands/nails. He is also a slow fussy eater, he messes about with the food and takes absolutely ages to eat as he talks so much. We are always late to places or sitting waiting for him to slowly finish food. Often he’s doing it on purpose so he can get out of eating the meal (making it go on so long you get fed up waiting). It can be incredibly frustrating. He will get up and walk around during a meal time, swamp it with sauce (and ruin it and make it inedible) or just nibble on something bland.

DP’s parents agree SS seems to have food issues as he will eat his body weight in anything sweet but if you give him normal wholesome food he doesn’t want it. DP’s parents say mum has food issues and this is what she is like (I have never eaten with mum to know this).

I spoke DP and said I can tell you why SS always has an upset tummy without needing a medical degree, he has a terrible diet and probably dirty hands/nails and it’s both of your responsibility to teach him how to eat a more balanced diet with cutlery and stop allowing him to just eat chocolate, bread, fruit and sugar all the time. Keep a food diary - will tell you exactly what’s going on.

We recently went to a party and DP and I were supervising the children getting food from a healthy buffet. DP allowed him to just have a plate of plain bread - which he then wasted as he couldn’t eat it, picked it all apart with his nails making a mess at the hosts house and then helped himself to the sweets buffet. Everyone else was supervising their kids eating, apart from DP and SS made more mess than the toddlers. So in a day all he ate was bread, chocolate and cake. And had a tummy ache later with upset bowels but was still ramming in chocolate until I eye daggered DP to step in. FIL ended up standing by the sweets table to stop SS from taking food

There is so much food wastage in our house and extra expense DP spending on stupid shit I do not agree with. SS is also grabby so if you lay food out, he will immediately take loads of it onto his own plate (with his hands) and then end up not eating it and waste it. Every single mealtime I have to tell him to make sure he leaves food for other people. Children should not be eating a thick layer of crunchie chocolate spread on toast for breakfast before school - it’s a weekend treat (it’s extortionate expense and lasts barely a week), or chocolate cereal with chocolate milk or pancakes with half a bottle of maple syrup.

Last time we cleared the kids room out SS had stashed a huge carrier bag of sweets in a drawer. There is also the mess SS creates which he is equally terrible at cleaning up after himself.

It’s so hard when you aren’t the parent just watching this. And I feel like I am getting frustrated with SS when it’s DPs fault. I just get up from the table and walk away when it becomes ridiculous but it’s my own house too

Does you DP seriously not think there's an issues or can he just not be bothered to take him to the doctor or doing anything to sort this?

At 11, this really should have been corrected before now. My DSD went through a phase when she was about 4 of only wanting to eat snacks and cried every time dinner was put out even if it was something she previously would eat without complaint. A couple of months and we managed to put a stop to it. She's always been quite picky but we've always encouraged her to try new foods and haven't just pandered to her. She's now a great wee eater at 6.

We managed this despite her mum just letting her have snacks and processed rubbish but we have her 50% so we had enough time to work on any food issues. How often does you DP have his son?

DP has him half the week. Of course he takes him to the doctors but there isn’t much a doctor can do about intermittent loose stools if there is no underlying medical cause, they say the same as I did, less sugar, more fibre in diet. He is otherwise healthy apart from the on and off tummy stuff, which is presenting like IBS (I also have this so know these foods are not helping).

SS eats mostly fruit and bread at mums too he is fussy everywhere. At his GP’s he is the same. He once asked FIL to get an Indian takeaway then ate ALL the naan bread so no one else could have any and didn’t eat one mouthful of the Indian.

It’s like he never grew out of the baby led weaning phase. It’s exactly like watching a toddler forage on a high chair tray picking out the best bits with their fingers.

The lack of cutlery is a big issue for me because of the mess. I hate it when DP makes a table meal that goes in the middle as immediately his fingers just touch everything. DP does make him wash his hands but it’s gross. When I cook, the food is put on each plate in a reasonable portion size and you don’t get to choose from the centre, and I don’t offer bread with meals. He will just wipe his hands down himself or the sofa.

DP does know it’s an issue but he is very good at being the worn down ragged dad for an easy quiet life. I’ve asked him to stop buying so much sticky, gloopy expensive spreads and just actively parenting with guidance more!

You need to separate actual medical issues from your own preferences around food and eating.
So yes, his diet is an issue that needs work.
The not liking cutlery thing is not a medical issue. It’s your own preferences and feelings around food and hygiene. As long as he is actually washing his hands adequately before coming to the table, there isn’t anything inherently problematic or wrong about eating with your fingers. Many cultures don’t do cutlery in the same way Western cultures do knives and forks. Serving food from the centre of the table is pretty standard in many families. It can actually help with food issues because there isn’t a predetermined portion of everything on everyone’s plate.
Is there room for compromise here? So maybe a firm rule to have no fingers in the communal dish in the center of the table? Insist on serving spoons for putting food onto your plate? Would your husband back you up on that rule if you let it slide that your SS then uses his fingers on his own plate more than you would like?
As for improving his diet generally. What will probably end up most effective is an additive approach. So rather than taking things out of his diet, you work on adding things in. He likes fruit, that’s a good thing. He will be getting fibre and lots of micronutrients from it. Keep the fruit. Would he expand into more vegetables if they can be eaten like fruit? Carrot sticks? Cucumber sticks? Bell peppers cut into strips? Cherry tomatoes?
Would balanced meals that are designed to be chosen and built at the table help? So things like burritos or fajitas? Everyone gets a couple of tortillas, and you assemble your sandwich - you could do strips of chicken or even fish fingers or frozen chicken tenders for protein, and plus assorted veges, and salsa. Pitas and burgers work very similarly.
Again, insisting on serving spoons for the communal dishes might help you feel more comfortable with this kind of meal.
Sometimes you can improve the nutritional value of food while keeping it feeling quite familiar. So potato wedges with the skin on cooks in the oven or air fryer are nutritionally superior to frozen chips deep fried. But still quite a similar experience when you eat them.
Chocolate spread for breakfast is not ideal but it also isn’t the end of the world. It’s helpfully high in fat as well as sugar, which your SS does need, especially if he isn’t getting much fat from other sources. You could improve this by trying whole meal bread instead of white. Would he like peanut butter? Similar texture, some taste similarities but no sugar?
Again, chocolate cereal for breakfast is not ideal but it also does contain useful nutrition - the milk at least will be giving him protein and fat and a bunch of helpful micronutrients too.

Get napkins and work on his using that rather than wiping his hands on his clothes. Basically you’re looking as incremental changes rather than trying to get him to change all his clothes eating habits in one go to improve his diet and fit your preferences around table manners.

Presumably he's been assessed for neuro diverse issues.

It sounds as much a psychological issue as anything else to me and I cannot comprehend why neither the mother nor father have addressed the reasons for it.

If I'm entirely honest @User1111122, I'd have binned the partner the minute it became apparent they were not invested in sorting out their child's difficulties.

I can't bring myself to comment about an 11 year old who eats with their hands, using their fingernails and cannot or will not use cutlery.

Unfortunately it's not going to get better unless your DP steps up a bit and stops making excuses. He can only eat the entire naan bread if he's allowed to. Why did no one say "hey, that's for everyone, don't be so greedy". Is he made to clean up his mess after he eats? Does his self-centred attitude spread into other areas as well?

At 11 he should at the very least be made to clean up after himself. It’s not ok to make a huge mess and just walk off.

Has he ever shown any interest in cooking? The picking stuff apart could be part of a need to feel comfortable about what is in his food - ditto the avoiding foods like curry where all the components are combined together and somewhat disguised by a sauce. At 11 he’s absolutely old enough to do stuff like chop up vegetables with a proper knife (supervised). He might eat more real food if he’s helping make it.

I'm going to sound like a mumsnet cliche, but is there anything else to suggest neurodiversity?

And yes absolutely an 11 year should be involved in this. It doesn’t have to done like a punishment either. It can just be an expectation that he brings he plate into the kitchen, scrapes any leftovers into the bin, rinses if necessary and puts it in the dishwasher. Plus he can be involved in wiping the table or sweeping under it or doing the dishes or whatever just as regular after meal clean up.

I was thinking this too. Normally I roll my eyes when it comes up on threads, but there's actually quite a lot in this one:

Digestive issues
Reluctance or inability to use cutlery
Sensory food issues (eating slowly/picking apart food)
Restricted food choices
Finding it difficult to stay sat at the table
Talking loads when meant to be eating
Oblivious to or not bothered by social norms of sharing food with others

could all be neurodivergence.

Nothing you've described is a medical issue. While he's eating something and growing it actually suggests there isn't anything physically wrong with him.

You aren't his parent so if this is stressing you out you have every right to refuse to eat with him / take him anywhere with you / clean up his mess / spend time with him. Let his dad deal with it.

It’s not ND, I think it’s parenting. DP’s friends and family all agree. He is a bright boy and quite advanced in many areas but when it comes to this matter he is still in the phase of a small child and hasn’t been encouraged to be more involved or shown how to make improvements. He clearly is getting food aversions as time goes on, and no one is actually helping him. I’m completely blaming both his parents.

I don’t care if you eat your own food with your fingers I do care if you touch everyone else’s food and leave it all over the place and also wipe your hands down furniture or school uniform. Having seen him wash his hands and how much he licks his hands I’m not satisfied he has clean hands.

He will just find a way to wiggle out of doing anything to do with any clearing up.

He will get involved in cooking but he puts his hands in the food a lot. He cannot use a knife and fork together and no one has taught him! DP just needs to have some table rules. I am sick of asking him can we just have some basic rules? Sit down in your chair, hands to yourself, stop talking when asked to.

@Thatsenoughadulting I am the one saying no don’t take that much food or leave some for others. If you put bacon down on the table he would take the whole lot and then sort of pick it all into shreds with his fingers and eat tiny tiny little shreds of it, all the while talking with his mouth full so the meal takes an age. Also I don’t think DP is proactive enough so he often is taking the food and DP says nothing. He let him have a plate of bread at the meal when there were other options.

He is skinny and pale with not a lot of muscle mass, he isn’t very robust but he hasn’t yet hit puberty. This might increase his appetite when it comes.

No advice but YANBU at all OP, that’d drive me mad!

I don't think anyone should be thinking about neurodivergence seriously if this is how he's been brought up and allowed to behave - it doesn't sound like anyone's modelling or teaching him any different so of course this is how he behaves, his parents need to try doing so first - I am neurodivergent and had (still have) food issues but the environment and parenting needs to change first even if he is ND!

Sounds just like my step son who has autism - he is under a dietician and has to take supplements - he literally does everything you mentioned including not using cutlery because he doesn’t like the feel of it.

I think he needs a trip to the doctors as the picking apart food with his hands is a red flag. Even if it’s not ND, he obviously has food issues that he needs to be under a professional for, his dad just saying well ‘you’re not eating any of that’ and force feeding him stuff he doesn’t want will just make issues worse.

I know you’re saying it’s parenting but are you sure? It’s very strange behaviour and what’s the purpose? Attention? Or genuine sensory issues? Have you looked up ARFID?
If it was parenting issue then several times of stopping him taking all the food and redirecting him to cutlery would have worked. However if your DP isn’t going to address it then it’s a loosing battle and that’s very unattractive in a partner

Gosh there is a lot going on here.
It's tricky because for any real change, it has to take place across both houses.
Slow introduction of 'new' foods and I mean slow. For 3 months, I put 1 piece of cauliflower on my DSC plates, and now I put 2, for example.
If he likes bread, try slowly making it a more balanced meal i.e. avo on toast, peanut butter etc, pitta pizzas with sweetcorn.. again, slow intro
Don't put endless amounts of food out, I'd plate it up and if he wants more bread, then he has to first ensure his plate is empty
Age appropriate discussion with him about health/eating a balanced diet
Some non-negotiables (using hands in communal food)
Some cultures don't use cutlery but then know how to eat neatly with hands - doesn't sound like this is a cultural thing and even cultures who eat with hands can use cutlery. He may get teased at school etc if he's 11 and can't use cutlery (that is a serious parental failure)
Put napkins at the table and re-direct hand wiping to these instead of clothes
Involve him in the cooking
Allow him to pick something for dinner once a fortnight (from a list you have compiled)
Strict non-negotiable rule re: tidying up after dinner. My DSC alternate table wiping and dishwasher loading and sweeping round the kitchen. It's part of their chore list and is rewarded with pocket money
finally.- your DH and DSS's mother must lead on this. I'd have a frank convo with DH - if he is not interested then unfortunately it's not your responsibility. Quite mad that he does not want to address this.

Sounds like my son who has autism.

He is also a bright boy and very advanced in some areas but he also picks his food apart, eats a restricted diet etc etc

Oh and also after 45 minutes, I'd take his plate away. Don't sit there watching him pick at his food for hours. It's become a game.

School and societal norms often balance out parenting so yes I would absolutely say there must be something underlying here that is being made worse by parenting

Even if there is a degree of ND, this boy is seriously being let down by his parents. I honestly couldn't find a man who could neglect his responsibilities like this attractive in any way.

How is he at school?

This sounds a lot like my niece, who is now an adult. Her dad eats anything and comes from a family who love their food and are adventurous eaters, keen cooks etc. Her mum is an extremely picky eater and also one of those people who is quite vocal about what other people are eating - looking at someone else’s meal and saying ‘Ugh, that looks disgusting / smells gross’ even when it’s something really normal like a shepherd’s pie or a chicken casserole. All my nieces and nephews were affected by their mum’s food issues and after their parents’ separation were further indulged by their dad when they were with him because he didn’t want them to go back to their mum and complain that daddy tried to make them eat things they don’t like.

The other kids all, eventually, started to try new foods out of sheer embarrassment when they went to friends’ houses etc and now eat pretty normally as adults. But my niece still has major food issues. I used to see her sitting and basically eating a meal of nothing but those ready made breakfast pancakes with Nutella which she would tear into bits with her fingers like a child even when she was in her mid-teens. She basically only really ate white soft bread, pancakes, hash browns, potato wedges, specific cheese and tomato pizzas, jacket potato with cheese - and tons of sweets and chocolate. She is essentially phobic about food and finds it incredibly anxiety inducing.

Now that she’s an adult (she’s 21 now) she has sought proper advice and has acknowledged that she has an eating disorder (ARFID) for which she’s getting treatment.

If her parents had taken things more seriously when she was younger she could have had this treatment as a child. You are right to be concerned and your SS clearly has some psychological issues around food.

Before anyone asks - my niece isn’t neurodivergent.

I agree could be neurodiversity. I'd be very worried about the lad personally, this is such strange behaviour around food. Not just the extremely limited food choices but the moving stuff about with nails/fingers. That's unusual behaviour. I'd be worried about a genuine eating disorder.

Also if it's not in the house he can't eat chocolate and bread, and everyone need to clean up. If there's foods he should eat for a better diet in your home, and no junk, he'll have to eat some of it rather than go hungry.

But the risk of an eating disorder of some kind or food restriction based on neurodiversity does sound possible.