Step child’s weird food issues - DP issue

[User1111122]

I very much do try to internally manage my own feelings on this as I’m not the parent but there are times where I think DP should step in.

SS is 11. He is very slim but tall. He has a lot of tummy issues and his mum is always on at DP to take him to the doctors about it, for tests and investigations. He misses a lot of school.

At every mealtime he is a very messy eater as he doesn’t use cutlery and picks food apart with his hands/nails. He is also a slow fussy eater, he messes about with the food and takes absolutely ages to eat as he talks so much. We are always late to places or sitting waiting for him to slowly finish food. Often he’s doing it on purpose so he can get out of eating the meal (making it go on so long you get fed up waiting). It can be incredibly frustrating. He will get up and walk around during a meal time, swamp it with sauce (and ruin it and make it inedible) or just nibble on something bland.

DP’s parents agree SS seems to have food issues as he will eat his body weight in anything sweet but if you give him normal wholesome food he doesn’t want it. DP’s parents say mum has food issues and this is what she is like (I have never eaten with mum to know this).

I spoke DP and said I can tell you why SS always has an upset tummy without needing a medical degree, he has a terrible diet and probably dirty hands/nails and it’s both of your responsibility to teach him how to eat a more balanced diet with cutlery and stop allowing him to just eat chocolate, bread, fruit and sugar all the time. Keep a food diary - will tell you exactly what’s going on.

We recently went to a party and DP and I were supervising the children getting food from a healthy buffet. DP allowed him to just have a plate of plain bread - which he then wasted as he couldn’t eat it, picked it all apart with his nails making a mess at the hosts house and then helped himself to the sweets buffet. Everyone else was supervising their kids eating, apart from DP and SS made more mess than the toddlers. So in a day all he ate was bread, chocolate and cake. And had a tummy ache later with upset bowels but was still ramming in chocolate until I eye daggered DP to step in. FIL ended up standing by the sweets table to stop SS from taking food

There is so much food wastage in our house and extra expense DP spending on stupid shit I do not agree with. SS is also grabby so if you lay food out, he will immediately take loads of it onto his own plate (with his hands) and then end up not eating it and waste it. Every single mealtime I have to tell him to make sure he leaves food for other people. Children should not be eating a thick layer of crunchie chocolate spread on toast for breakfast before school - it’s a weekend treat (it’s extortionate expense and lasts barely a week), or chocolate cereal with chocolate milk or pancakes with half a bottle of maple syrup.

Last time we cleared the kids room out SS had stashed a huge carrier bag of sweets in a drawer. There is also the mess SS creates which he is equally terrible at cleaning up after himself.

It’s so hard when you aren’t the parent just watching this. And I feel like I am getting frustrated with SS when it’s DPs fault. I just get up from the table and walk away when it becomes ridiculous but it’s my own house too

This question could be resolved if the child was professionally assessed for neurodivergence. I know from experience within my own family that those closest to a child can be astonishingly resistant to accepting the possibility of neurodivergence even when it is clearly apparent to others. The possibility should at least be considered given the description of the boy’s behaviour given here. The op should persuade her partner to facilitate this. That would be the sensible, loving thing to do.

Same.

ND or not, you don’t want to have to be the person who sorts out your ss or leads teaching manners or seeking out advice, and you shouldn’t be, his parents should.

In your shoes I’d be seriously rethinking the relationship. The child is neglected whether he is ND or not, and that’s not your responsibility. Neglecting his child is a huge red flag.

What an awful situation, and as much as dp problem as dc.

As I see it, you have three options.

1. Do nothing - nothings changes.
2. Take action (see below)
3. leave the situation -

You’ve reached breaking point so 1) and 3) are no longer options. So that leaves 2).

If dp is 11, does he start senior school in 6 months time. Can you use this as a goal? You need to drum it into do that his food habits will not be tolerated by the school Or his peers.

If do won’t take action, can you demand the ‘my house, my rules ’ and take control ? I know he’s not your child, but whilst he’s at your house, you’re a parent to him. Start small, basic table manners. One small plate of healthy food per day. No grabbing communal food, basic washing hands etc Reward him with good behaviour Etc. Be the tough mama.

However, I think all the advice everyone is giving you already know, and you feel like you’re hitting your head on a brick wall.

Get rid of all the sweet stuff.

Put food on an individual plate for each person rather than 'in the middle'.

Tell him he has to use cutlery - it's not optional.

Your DP needs to step up and start parenting properly.

And this!

The not using cutlery and the preference for plain bread over other savoury foods are quite neurodiverse traits. Obviously not always, but often.

He has a sweet tooth - can he be tempted with something like a smoothie that contains fruit and veg? Or a pizza with a bit of tomato and cheese on it?

Whatever the cause of this, I'd be trying to slowly introduce a selection of other foods that have more nutritional value.

This is however, for the mother and father to do. As a step parent I'd take a step back for now.

Unfortunately though, they not doing it…and I think op has taken a step back for now, but has now reached crisis point, and realised that action has to be taken.

I’d tell dp to be honest that I can’t live like this anymore so if we are still going ti live together he’s going to have to be a better dad, as I’m getting the ick watching him destroy his child’s life. I’d gather up all chocolate and sweets and put them away in the garage locked up, say the same goes for any more and upfs like instant noodles that you bring into the house, I’ll donate it all, and say all meals at home will be served up in the kitchen. we will eat together sitting down, and you will regularly remind him to use a fork. We will not shout or snap but firmly remind of the rules. Fruit will be offered after eating some meal. If you don’t want to go along with this then we had better start working out how to live separately, and you may well be supporting your child for the rest of his life.

Do you have children together, or your own children living with you @User1111122 ?

If not then I would simply not eat with your DSS any more. Just leave him and his dad to it at mealtimes. Opt out of all cooking, eating, clearing up mess etc and be clear with your DH what you are doing and why you are doing so. Also make your DH clean or replace any upholstery etc that DSS has stained or ruined with his disgusting hand wiping. And if that doesn’t work, move out. You can still be in a relationship and live apart.

It is of course much trickier if there are other DC on the scene. One of the most difficult things about being a blended family is when parents have different standards and so one set of DC are held to a higher standard but have to witness another child in the household getting away with poor behaviour.

I would find the hand eating unacceptable at 11. It's a pity he was never taught how to use cutlery and a real failing on the part of his parents. Could you start him with a spork? He also sounds bright enough to understand the connection between germy fingers and upset tummies- especially if he's wiping them on himself and furniture. Perhaps that needs spelled out.
I would also make it clear that if serious efforts aren't made to improve the problems, I would be asking DP and son to move out. He's not a little toddler and the ongoing mess, hygiene issues and food waste isn't fair on you.

I don't get why no one steps in when he eats all the food that was intended to share. His dad first and foremost, obviously – but even though you're not his parent, you are a responsible adult and it's your home. I wouldn't hesitate to tell a young family member (or an adult one actually) things like, 'Take it easy, that bread's for everyone! Take one piece and then we'll see what's left later.'

What does your DP actually say when you try to raise these issues with him?

Can he use a knife and fork, or do you think he would be able to do if he tried? What’s his general coordination like?

Has Hypermobility been considered? Perhaps he doesn’t have the coordination or motor skills to manage cutlery - it may not be as simple as he hasn’t been taught.

There is some evidence that hypermobile spectrum disorders and hypermobility is more common in neurodivergent people.

But even if he is hypermobile, has issues with coordination, or is neurodivergent, he is being failed by his parents. They need to work together, with support, to see what exactly is going on and work with him. He may still struggle with texture, cutlery, and have a limited diet… but he deserves the opportunity to progress as much as he can.

@User1111122 i don’t know at what age your step-sons parents split up but I know that food issues are an absolute classic way of creating and sustaining parental attention. It’s so sad that it’s you posting about it and not your DP seeking help for his own child.

The OP says, 'capable of building an entire Lego technic truck by himself and gaming on a switch and learning an instrument… His fine motor skills seem to work fine when it’s something he enjoys doing'.

I think this may be ARFID. It's heritable so there may well be more of it in DSS's mum's family.

Here is some info:

www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/get-information-and-support/about-eating-disorders/types/arfid/

And some training and a helpline:

www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/training-events/find-training/training-for-parents-and-carers/