Step child’s weird food issues - DP issue

[User1111122]

I very much do try to internally manage my own feelings on this as I’m not the parent but there are times where I think DP should step in.

SS is 11. He is very slim but tall. He has a lot of tummy issues and his mum is always on at DP to take him to the doctors about it, for tests and investigations. He misses a lot of school.

At every mealtime he is a very messy eater as he doesn’t use cutlery and picks food apart with his hands/nails. He is also a slow fussy eater, he messes about with the food and takes absolutely ages to eat as he talks so much. We are always late to places or sitting waiting for him to slowly finish food. Often he’s doing it on purpose so he can get out of eating the meal (making it go on so long you get fed up waiting). It can be incredibly frustrating. He will get up and walk around during a meal time, swamp it with sauce (and ruin it and make it inedible) or just nibble on something bland.

DP’s parents agree SS seems to have food issues as he will eat his body weight in anything sweet but if you give him normal wholesome food he doesn’t want it. DP’s parents say mum has food issues and this is what she is like (I have never eaten with mum to know this).

I spoke DP and said I can tell you why SS always has an upset tummy without needing a medical degree, he has a terrible diet and probably dirty hands/nails and it’s both of your responsibility to teach him how to eat a more balanced diet with cutlery and stop allowing him to just eat chocolate, bread, fruit and sugar all the time. Keep a food diary - will tell you exactly what’s going on.

We recently went to a party and DP and I were supervising the children getting food from a healthy buffet. DP allowed him to just have a plate of plain bread - which he then wasted as he couldn’t eat it, picked it all apart with his nails making a mess at the hosts house and then helped himself to the sweets buffet. Everyone else was supervising their kids eating, apart from DP and SS made more mess than the toddlers. So in a day all he ate was bread, chocolate and cake. And had a tummy ache later with upset bowels but was still ramming in chocolate until I eye daggered DP to step in. FIL ended up standing by the sweets table to stop SS from taking food

There is so much food wastage in our house and extra expense DP spending on stupid shit I do not agree with. SS is also grabby so if you lay food out, he will immediately take loads of it onto his own plate (with his hands) and then end up not eating it and waste it. Every single mealtime I have to tell him to make sure he leaves food for other people. Children should not be eating a thick layer of crunchie chocolate spread on toast for breakfast before school - it’s a weekend treat (it’s extortionate expense and lasts barely a week), or chocolate cereal with chocolate milk or pancakes with half a bottle of maple syrup.

Last time we cleared the kids room out SS had stashed a huge carrier bag of sweets in a drawer. There is also the mess SS creates which he is equally terrible at cleaning up after himself.

It’s so hard when you aren’t the parent just watching this. And I feel like I am getting frustrated with SS when it’s DPs fault. I just get up from the table and walk away when it becomes ridiculous but it’s my own house too

This really sounds beyond the norm for any 11 yo even one whose parents haven't been teaching/guiding them too much around food.

It sounds like your DP is struggling to input some boundaries and it has all become quite defensive and feels unmanageable to even start. I think I'd have the conversations from scratch with him on it and suggest you start small. What's one thing he can work on to improve his eating/meals? Maybe involve DSS in the conversation so he can choose what to work on first. It could be that the family's food is always served on plates and no "family style" serving for now or that DSS washes hands before each meal. If that works out then move onto something else in a week or two until you've gradually built a few habits. Lots of praise for DSS.

I'd be tempted to pay to see a private dietician if financially possible to help with the process (or ask GP for referral?). If DSS hears suggestions or a plan from someone who isn't within the family, he may take it on board more readily and the dietician may see traits that lead to a diagnosis of some sort.

@User1111122 have you not removed all sweets, choccie biscuits, chocolate spreads, crisps etc removed. all finger food removed removed. cutlery and food like beef with gravy and mashed potatoes etc. make it a rule that he scrubs his hands before eating and his hand do not touch the plates. only cutlery on plates. no bread.

No because I am not his mum and I don’t buy this stuff.

I think UPF’s are addictive and SS has a clear preference for them so it’s a parents job to try manage the intake.

I don’t mind the finger food if it’s appropriate to eat with your hands, I wouldn’t force him to eat food he didn’t want to. Literally no one needs chocolate spread. It’s like living a Groundhog Day of shrove Tuesday

I don’t want to make him germ phobic to not touch anything just have some table manners. Last meal out he knocked a pint of squash all over me, didn’t finish his food but still got an ice cream. We don’t have endless money

If you did that all at the same time the poor kid would absolutely freak and probably eat next to nothing and get in a state. He would also assume he was being punished probably.
One way to manage the sweet stuff is to buy the right amount for a period of time - say one week. And then not replace if it runs out early. So instead of buying a huge pot of Nutella that lasts a week you buy a smaller pot and if it all goes before the next shop then the last couple of days of toast need to have something else. Or you buy ice cream for dessert but not chocolate mousse so the child has one dessert per day and can’t have a dessert plus a random ice cream snack.
OP, you’ve got the right idea with the active parenting thing rather than punishment. Would your husband be open to making a couple of changes for the household? Eg. Rule that everyone has to bring their plate to the kitchen after dinner? And a rule that fingers do not touch communal serving dishing. Would he help enforce those two rules for a start? Then in a couple of weeks or a month when that habit is established agree to try him on some different kinds of cutlery? Or to reduce the total quantity of sugary foods in the house for the week? - That one could be done with the child, if you set a snack budget and get him to do the food shopping with do (online or in person). You can tell him it’s because bills have gone up so you need to watch spending or their won’t be as much money for other fun stuff you’d like to do.

OP, don’t worry about the UPF thing too much for the moment. If your step son can expand the range of food he’s eating and gradually improve his table manners then you’ll be doing well.
It doesn’t sound like his diet is so restricted that he’s malnourished. If he’s eating fruit, salad veges, some form of protein and bread daily then he’s probably doing alright nutrition wise. That doesn’t mean his diet can’t be improved or that he’s not having too much sugar, just that he’s probably meeting the minimum requirements for most things most of the time.

I feel very sad reading this.

You're disgusted by him, but as so many people have pointed out, it seems likely there's more at play here that he isn't in control of, and that no one is helping him with.

I'd not expect a 4 year old to act this way around food, so when an 11 year old, is, it's quite obvious it's more than just bad parenting. That's a cop out excuse.

Fair enough, you've said it's not your place to look into neurodiversity, but maybe have some empathy for the little boy?

I think the most helpful thing would be to read up more about the conditions mentioned so far (autism, arfid etc.) to see what techniques can make family meal times better for everyone.

There’s a lot of passive parenting going on here - at the very least.

He may well be ND but I am seeing phrases like “he insists on ordering something expensive then won’t eat it.” Why do you and your DP allow this ?

The story about the Naan bread. Again a house will multiple adults in it and no one stopped him ?

Your DP needs to be a hold of himself, start parenting and also get on the waiting list for an assessment.

As a couple of others have said, sounds like ARFID to me. My son has a milder version. Let him eat the few OK things he'll eat. Beige food is better than no food. Use sweets as a reward after he's eaten something else.

A lot of children with ARFID have sensory issues with food, with temperature, texture and which can extend to using cutlery.

Getting stressed and putting pressure on him will make things worse. If there is anyone that is able to influence him (my son had a teacher at school that he adored, and she could get him to taste foods he didn't like, although he rarely actually ate them), use them to persuade him a little.

I agree with this. You could at the very least suggest that your partner asks the GP for advice as to how to arrange for his son to be assessed for neurodiversity. Read up about it - as others have suggested.

Her fucking partner should realise that for himself Hes the kids FATHER

True, but he may be unaware that neurodivergence is even a possibility whereas the op has now had her eyes opened (hopefully).

@snotathing Nothing OP has said suggests she is "germphobic".

I was a ND child with restrictive eating (and later developed an eating disorder) but that doesn't mean I was incapable of learning basic manners. OP knows her DSS better than we do!

Gosh sounds like my ex ss only worse, didn’t eat with a knife and fork as never been shown how. I showed him. Was a fussy eater and would pig out on bread and leave his meal. Burping at the table and dad would laugh it was a nightmare. Over time it improved simply because I bothered to show him how to eat properly. I dished the meals rather than a help yourself arrangement. If it didn’t get eaten or was “full” nothing until next meal. Fizzy seemed to be the burp inducer so we had water with meals.

as for the fussiness, it improved. I have food issues as was force fed shit I didn’t like. I’d never make anyone eat something they don’t like but my ss would eat carrots on a Tuesday but not on a Saturday. No you eat them. We also didn’t make a fuss of meals. So we knew the staples he liked and if I included that in a meal say sticky chicken, if he’d ask what’s for dinner, I’d just say chicken. Wouldn’t give him time to become anxious about the meal. It worked. He eats so much more now!

I think however your battle is lost. Shit parents. The hoarding of sweets in his food does make me question an eating disorder but both parents don’t seem to care their child needs support. I don’t think there’s anything you can do but I would avoid feeding time at the zoo and eat alone. I also hope you don’t pay for the wasted food.

Sorry but I would also add in neurodiversity. However, I would say it's not just ND. We are a ND family and there's not a hope in hell I would allow most of what you are describing

Loads of people saying the same thing but so am I. This is a step parenting board I cannot start taking someone else’s child for ASD assessments or booking dieticians. I don’t really understand how this would be acceptable as a step parent but asking his dad to make the effort to improve his table manners means I don’t like the child. I do. He has poor table manners and I don’t think it’s his fault it’s his parents fault. And I am not the only person who thinks this. SS was the first child in the family both sides and been used to being quite spoilt and he rules the roost in a lot of ways. I honestly believe this started way back when he was baby led weaning - MIL told me this. his mum is a fussy eater and his dad buys loads of shit food for an easy life. Yes I do say something when we are out eating but there is more than 1 child present and often the majority wins and DP doesn’t like leaving him out if everyone else is getting a desert.

I think it’s socially acceptable to find poor table manners hard to manage in a child that is up to my shoulder in height and not far off my shoe size and capable of building an entire Lego technic truck by himself and gaming on a switch and learning an instrument but not holding a FORK? His fine motor skills seem to work fine when it’s something he enjoys doing He is not a toddler. No he doesn’t mind metal in his mouth as I know, he just never gets reminded to use cutlery (unless I say something)

I also can’t make my DP do any of this. I’ve suggested all the things people have listed about suggestions and he has been to the doctor and they said keep a food diary. No one bothered doing this so what is the GP going to do? I do keep a mental food diary of what he eats and pointed this out to DP that on the weekend this is what I saw him eat;

2 hash browns from McDonald’s and a sausage McMuffin
a whole packet of mini eggs
loads of cakes
crisps
a plate of bread
sausages
cereal
chocolate spread on toast

This is not a good diet for a lad who seems to suffer from IBS symptoms. I would never be off the toilet

DP gave him all this stuff he didn’t ask for all of it. He isn’t refusing to eat food you give him, he will mess about with it and be displeased but generally you can get him to eat with encouragement. I’m not serving him a sloppy shepherds pie every night if I make food it can all be separate things and I don’t put sauces out and I also give things like yoghurt for desert.

At mums I think he mostly eats pasta for dinner which isn’t his favourite but I don’t think she buys half the abosloute shite DP buys. I’ve had another talk with him about spaffing all our money on loads of crappy food - that I don’t even eat.

I am not dismissing ARFID I know it’s a serious thing, just it’s not that. He doesn’t get upset about food or refuse it, he has a preference that is pandered to. I wouldn’t be saying any of this stuff if I thought that this was distressing him or causing him harm. It isn’t. He just likes junk food more than normal food

Your DP didnt bother keeping that food diary Your DP is a lazy git

His parents need to look at ways of getting healthier foods in to him - a multi vitamin, smoothies, blend veg into gravy and sauces.
Plate his food rather than sharing bowls, give appropriate portions. Give him napkins/kitchen roll.
Limit treats/sweet things as in don't have them in. Make them inaccessible.
Make meals he enjoys as healthy as possible eg chicken nuggets- make fresh rather than processed.
Let him leave table when he's had enough don't push him to clear his plate/eat more/bribe him.
If he's hungry between meals he gets a healthy snack.

Make meal times easy relaxed experiences.
Role model the behaviours you want

Both of my DC are neurodiverse and have food issues. One with restricted and slow eating but has perfect table manners, the other eats really well but struggles with cutlery or any kind of manners. However, we are on them to improve their food choices/manners. Being neurodiverse means we have to work much harder at it, not excuse it!!

You're spot on @User1111122 , it's your DP who is the big problem here. He's bordering on neglectful.

What you do about that is tricky, as you say, because you're not the parent. Can you sit down with your DP and say how worried you are about the junk food, the wasting of money etc? Definitely some good approaches suggested above of introducing one or two basic rules every month and insisting on those, e.g. spoons for serving shared foods.

Not about your SS really but if my DP was allowing this kind of behaviour to the detriment of the poor kid it would change my opinion of him (assuming I had a good one to start with).

Im not sure I could plan the rest of my life like that.

All that is great. But it’s not op’s problem.
It’s his slack parents. I predict nothing but grief if op gets involved.

Poor boy. Sounds exactly how my son would present if there was no awareness of his disabilities (he has ASD, dyspraxia amongst other diagnoses)
I hope he gets some support

I can't believe people are still insisting it must be neurodiversity and you're a monster for not accepting that, OP. Food is such an emotive issue on MN that people just can't step back from their first knee jerk responses even to take on board an OP's follow up posts, it seems!

The problem is definitely your DP. He sees no problem with the status quo.

I have a strong constitution myself, I have IBS I’ve seen it all and some! Plus I’ve had babies and toddlers of my own! I don’t want to keep catching bugs due to lack of hand hygiene (I often do).

The food stuff is icky to some extent, some of it must just be my own personal preferences but this isn’t my child, it IS different when it is your child. Loads of people here talking about their own child but this is someone else’s child. Some of it does turn my stomach it is a visceral reaction I cannot control it. It’s not the noise or anything like that, it’s seeing his grubby hands all over communal food or his fingers and nails all covered in food. I don’t know why. I don’t like it so I get up and walk away or turn away to not look when it is bad

My sd was very similar. Thin, poor range of diet, fussed around anything put out. Messy and unable to use cutlery properly.
I hadn't noticed it before I lived with him as one meal a month didn't reflect the true problem.
I was told she's eats everything!

So after six months of this I sat her down and got her to give me six dinners including veg that she would eat. And for the next few years put out those dinners on rotation on the eight days a month I cooked for her. I wouldn't say it stopped it all but it did eliminate a lot of it. We also stopped eating with her on one evening (she would eat with my two so wasn't alone) and this also stopped a lot of the fuss as she wasn't playing up to dad.
The last thing I did was give her the job of cleaning the table so any mess was then hers to clean.
It's frustrating but I suggest you tackle it head on with handing him responsibility and getting him involved in both choices of food and cleaning up