Step child’s weird food issues - DP issue

[User1111122]

I very much do try to internally manage my own feelings on this as I’m not the parent but there are times where I think DP should step in.

SS is 11. He is very slim but tall. He has a lot of tummy issues and his mum is always on at DP to take him to the doctors about it, for tests and investigations. He misses a lot of school.

At every mealtime he is a very messy eater as he doesn’t use cutlery and picks food apart with his hands/nails. He is also a slow fussy eater, he messes about with the food and takes absolutely ages to eat as he talks so much. We are always late to places or sitting waiting for him to slowly finish food. Often he’s doing it on purpose so he can get out of eating the meal (making it go on so long you get fed up waiting). It can be incredibly frustrating. He will get up and walk around during a meal time, swamp it with sauce (and ruin it and make it inedible) or just nibble on something bland.

DP’s parents agree SS seems to have food issues as he will eat his body weight in anything sweet but if you give him normal wholesome food he doesn’t want it. DP’s parents say mum has food issues and this is what she is like (I have never eaten with mum to know this).

I spoke DP and said I can tell you why SS always has an upset tummy without needing a medical degree, he has a terrible diet and probably dirty hands/nails and it’s both of your responsibility to teach him how to eat a more balanced diet with cutlery and stop allowing him to just eat chocolate, bread, fruit and sugar all the time. Keep a food diary - will tell you exactly what’s going on.

We recently went to a party and DP and I were supervising the children getting food from a healthy buffet. DP allowed him to just have a plate of plain bread - which he then wasted as he couldn’t eat it, picked it all apart with his nails making a mess at the hosts house and then helped himself to the sweets buffet. Everyone else was supervising their kids eating, apart from DP and SS made more mess than the toddlers. So in a day all he ate was bread, chocolate and cake. And had a tummy ache later with upset bowels but was still ramming in chocolate until I eye daggered DP to step in. FIL ended up standing by the sweets table to stop SS from taking food

There is so much food wastage in our house and extra expense DP spending on stupid shit I do not agree with. SS is also grabby so if you lay food out, he will immediately take loads of it onto his own plate (with his hands) and then end up not eating it and waste it. Every single mealtime I have to tell him to make sure he leaves food for other people. Children should not be eating a thick layer of crunchie chocolate spread on toast for breakfast before school - it’s a weekend treat (it’s extortionate expense and lasts barely a week), or chocolate cereal with chocolate milk or pancakes with half a bottle of maple syrup.

Last time we cleared the kids room out SS had stashed a huge carrier bag of sweets in a drawer. There is also the mess SS creates which he is equally terrible at cleaning up after himself.

It’s so hard when you aren’t the parent just watching this. And I feel like I am getting frustrated with SS when it’s DPs fault. I just get up from the table and walk away when it becomes ridiculous but it’s my own house too

That sounds incredibly annoying. Can you live separately to your boyfriend and just date him?
Seems like that would be more enjoyable than this nonsense.

Have you looked at avoidant restrictive food intake disorder?

Can you reinforce some general rules so it’s not aimed at him eg no one is to take food with their hands, everyone has a napkin ( and finger bowl if necessary!) no licking fingers at the table, etc

This is familiar to me with my AuDHD son. We have terrible food issues similar to how you describe and definitely ARFID. Has this been addressed?

I’ve no idea about ND and the possibility of this apart from saying that it seems unlikely that IRL the same % of kids have ND as they do on MN. Personally I couldn’t go on as you are, I would be telling DH that a clear conversation about table manners will be had at the start of the next time your SS is staying at yours and that he has to learn to use cutlery and help tidy up after meals ASAP. On food choice at meals, I would not allow SS to serve himself and think I would plate up for everyone for the foreseeable future. I would ask SS what he wanted on his plate and he could have it within reason. I would ensure that bread and fruit are available to eat always, in case SS didn’t want the prepared meal. I would encourage healthier eating but not in any way force it. And no sweet treats in the house except for treats for the whole house / special occasions such as birthdays. I would also ask DH to tell his ex what will be happening. That all sounds stressful OP, good luck. I would expect it to take a while for things to get a lot better too, I think patience will be needed.

Before my dd was diagnosed with celiac disease she would do some of the things you mentioned your ss doing. The spoiling food with sauce and taking ages picking at food especially. She was also drawn to more sugary foods because of cravings due to lack of nutrition caused by celiac. If you have spent your life in pain when eating it becomes normal but you still avoid it. Often children struggle to understand what is going on, even older dc. They don't know any different but just know they feel ill. The natural response is to avoid food and it's somewhat subconscious. But the adults in their lives tell them to eat, it's healthy, they need to grow etc.. also food does taste nice. it's conflicting with what their bodies are telling them. Difficult for dc to articulate and understand that conflict.
I'd be asking for more medical intervention

Also if you are in pain or poorly every time you eat something you are more like going to seek junk foods because the satisfaction of the taste is more motivation to eat it.

Coeliac is a good call. I think it's time to get him checked out at the doctors.
My sis is coeliac and she CRAVES gluten, or she did, until she'd weaned off it. For some reason she always made a beeline for bread.

My dd is incredibly bright and engages well with people. She still has ASD and ARFID.

I don’t know how you navigate the UK system for eating disorder evaluation, but what you are describing doesn’t sound like normal pickiness.

our two main concerns with food are to get enough calories into dd and to not make food a battle. The last thing we want is to make it an issue of control and turn it into anorexia.

we offer a variety of food and always make sure there is something from her safe list. She chooses what to eat. Slowly over time, her safe list gets longer.

her doctor and nutritionist recommended she eat bread with a hearty helping of Nutella daily, normally at breakfast. It went against every instinct I had as a parent because of the sugar, but it is a reliable way to get her calories and that is the priority. It’s absolutely heartbreaking to go to the doctor and find out your child has grown in height but lost weight yet again.

It sounds like he could be ND with sensory issues. You should start to do some reading on it rather than assuming it's purely a poor parenting issue.

But the way you describe him indicates you actually dislike him and have no affection for him. He shouldn't be living with you for half the week then. The situation seems to be compounded by you appearing to be germphobic.

He does eat other foods, reluctantly I may add but he doesn’t gag or resist physically he just gets a bit sulky, and he has eyes bigger than his stomach so he will often insist on having something (expensive) if we eat out which is far too big and then never finish it. Generally speaking anything he ever chooses to eat that’s not bread or sugar he will just lose interest in it after a few moments but DP is the problem as he gives it to him.

He has had testing and they found nothing wrong with him. He also not ND but he is developing fussy eating. He appears to have developed a very good strategy to get out of eating foods he finds boring or less salty/sweet.

He doesn’t like sloppy foods and I understand that, it’s not everyone’s cup of tea and can be avoided. He doesn’t like them as he needs to use a fork. He will eat a noodle bowl covered in an excess of soy sauce (With his fingers)

Generally even bread he expects something sweet on it like jam or spread.

He eats:

salty meats, so anything pork/processed
noodles - especially if salty (like a Chinese takeaway) and he will ruin it with soy sauce
crackers/crisps/popcorn
sweet fruit and uncooked veg like salad
potatoes
pizza
anything processed

he actually asks DP to put salt on his food. He doesn’t thankfully

To be honest, even with ND issues, I'd find disgusting and messy eating habits in a child his age deeply unacceptable.

I'm not sure how you can fix it. If it were my home, I'd stop him visiting, but instead suggest his father moves out, gets his own flat and he can care for his son there. I could not tolerate this, I have issues of my own round food and other people fingering it is a complete no no.

Eating noodles with his fingers? Eww, I have a vision of him dangling a handful of noodles above his head. Disgusting. No wonder he makes such a mess.

Why is your DP allowing him to behave like an animal? I would be starting to get the ick from a parent just allowing their kid to do that. Your DP is 100% the problem here. He is allowing this behaviour to continue. Why would your SS change his ways when he gets away with eating what he wants, how he wants and as much as he wants?

I think if your DP refuses to do anything about it then you have to be the one to have boundaries here. I'd refuse to eat out with him and I would also eat separately from him in the house. Let you DP be responsible for preparing all meals and participating in feeding time at the zoo. But you don't have to be part of it. Maybe it will make him take the situation more seriously but either way you won't have to witness it.

I also think possibly ND. That isn't normal for that age. Even with an awful mum he would surely pick up normal eating habits at his dad's house, his gps' and school?

I wouldn’t have a drop of junk food, spreads or treats in my house if this was in our family unit.

you eat with at least a fork (or make serious attempts) or you don’t eat.

You keep your mouth shut when chewing.

You don’t talk until your mouth is empty.

You make a proper attempt to try all food served to you.

have serving spoons etc on the table and those are used or you don’t get anything.

give him a smaller plate. Mine used to fill up the plate as it was a large (by my standard) dinner plate. We now use the side plates (they are large ikea ones) and hardly any waste now.

id also not let him order when out. He can’t be trusted to not waste his food or use manners - then he gets something you know he might eat.

what does he do at school? What does he think his friends and peers think of him?

your DPs behaviour is a massive turn off. Yes this is difficult to deal with but he’s the adult and needs to take charge of the situation. :/

You seem very dismissive of the child having actual nd or eating/food issues. A nt 11yo should not need supervision at a party buffet. ND dn absolutely ate similarly selectively and opted for finger foods,

Try keeping a food diary and see f there is a pattern of consequences, digestively behaviourally. You seem to disapprove of both your p and his ex parenting, so not sure why you continue the relationship.

The thing about food issues with kids is that you can’t actually force them to eat. It makes it very frustrating to deal with as a parent sometimes because you really have to pick your battles. So I can tell the cutlery thing is a massive issue for you. But your options for dealing with it do depend on how the child reacts. If he will just refuse to eat anything that requires cutlery then things like punishing him by taking away his plate or sending him away from the table just aren’t going to work. What might work is looking at why he hates cutlery. Is it because metal tastes funny? Would he rather with a plastic fork or spoon instead? Is he uncoordinated and can’t get his head around a knife and fork? Would just a fork or just a spoon be ok? Would novelty value help - like chopsticks or maybe those kids easy chopsticks that are all one piece be enough motivation to avoid sticking his hands in a bowl of noodles?
I ration sauces so my kid doesn’t eat a whole bowlful of ketchup or pour stupid amounts of soy sauce on things. I put the ketchup on his plate or put a small amount of soy sauce in a dipping bowl instead of leaving the bottle on the table.

I couldn't bear watching this at mealtimes and would have zero respect for a "parent" who didn't bother to seek help. Is this man really the best you can do?

I am not advocating punishing him and nowhere have I agreed with this, I think he needs guidance and active parenting. Both parents seem to think he will just grow out of it and being around his peers will help.

I think he needs active parenting in terms of supervision and guidance - keeping an eye on him, helping him, working out what the issues are, talking to him about food avoidance, planning together and talking it through. He is an articulate child so you can talk to him. Just no one is. I will be honest DP gets more annoyed than I do and I say well this was obviously going to happen, you could have stepped in sooner? DP sees this as helicopter parenting, whereas I see this as teaching your child things and stepping back when they learn it, not just expecting them to learn it.

And I am frustrated at DP. I get frustrated as I see the issue coming before DP acts, like with the mess at someone else’s house DP could have stepped in sooner and managed the mess and got SS to help clear it up. Or guided him to something else that he liked and told him not to keep eating junk food before the main meal or continuing to eat it all afternoon. These are normal things parents do, right? And yeah, if he can’t use a fork, get him cutlery he can use? But no one is

I couldn't live with a man who parents his child so ineffectually it borders on neglect.

Your DP is making his son ill with the bad diet. He's setting his child up for bullying; a secondary age boy, eating noodles with his hands will get picked on in the school canteen for sure.

Strangers will be looking at you in restaurants wondering why you're letting him eat so badly, and at parties when your SS is making more mess than the toddlers and eating all the sweet stuff before the other kids get a look in - other parents will be commenting on him, your DP and you for allowing that to happen.

You say that it's "your" house. Do you mean literally yours, or is it jointly yours with DP?

Because a secondary-aged NT child who wiped his food-covered hands on my sofa would only do that once and if DP didn't ensure it never happened again, he'd be moving out.

I just couldn't live like that, and I'm surprised that you can.

I get why that might be your take, but I also get why OP would feel that way. He is 11 and his behavior is gross and no one is stopping him. I am frustrated just reading it, I cant imagine how OP has reined it in this long. And I am also giving her the benefit of the doubt that she is using this to vent her frustrations with the whole thing. As an anonymous forum, that is completely acceptable. Her DP is as much of the problem as the child.

I’d also suggest neurodiversity.

The thing is, assuming he goes to school every day, a NT child will pick up skills in school, copy their peers, not want to stand out.

Some of the things he does really sound specifically ND.

One of mine at 11 couldn’t use cutlery due to fine motor issues. As an adult he can, but it’s uncomfortable and he will eat with his hands whenever he can.

When he’s been to the dr have they addressed the tummy issues? Carried out any tests?
How is he doing at school?

I do not not like the child, he is lovely but I can find his behaviour distasteful but more that my DP has just resigned to it and isn’t doing a lot to improve it. He doesn’t have a diagnosis of ND and I am not his parent so I wouldn’t be involved with that so it is pointless keep asking me to act on it or tailor his needs to an ND. I don’t know, I can’t diagnose him. All I know is that he is a very messy eater, what you would expect from a toddler and he’s not growing out of it.

It’s our house not mine, I can’t just move out because someone wipes their hands on the sofa or is messy, but I am annoyed at DP I do think he’s letting his DS down. No it won’t go down well at school to be the kid always covered in food, leave a trail of chewed up food behind you and waste food. I want DP to stop buying all the expensive crap tbh, it’s a waste of money. You can still give him what he likes without it being high end brand stuff daily basis. Like, let him eat toast it doesn’t have to be the bestest most chocolatey toast in the world and not every meal needs to be salty and followed by sugar. He could start there

Its not germphobic not to want someone elses hands and nails in food you are going to eat.