DP wants to move in but I am not sure

[Pineapplehairgirl]

Hi everyone. I'm new to Mumsnet and have come here for some advice after reading some excellent threads on step-parenting, blended families and child arrangements.

I am not a step-parent yet but may be about to become one. Huge dilemma.

I've been with DP (I hope I've learned the correct Mumsnet lingo!) for four years. We have always lived in different towns. He has always had his two DCs, now 10 and 13, 50-50. I also have one DC 50-50. We mainly spend our non-contact time together, tho due to different contact days he sees my DC much more than I see his. They get on really well.

DP's situation is changing. His DCs want to live with their mum more instead of shuttling between two homes. DP has decided this is the right thing to do because doing 50-50 has drained his savings - he has a mortgaged house and a nanny and it all costs more than he earns. Mum is very financially secure with an inherited house and relatives providing free childcare.

Mum is happy to go part time to have the kids 70-30. DP would pay her CMS maintenance which is a lot less than his mortgage and nanny.

But his other bright idea is to move in with me. His living cost paying half my mortgage and bills, plus CMS, would still be much lower and within his wage.
I'd benefit financially and from having him around more. He's excellent at DIY. I have two spare rooms so his kids would have bedrooms.

But I think where this all falls apart is that his kids, being the ages they are, might not actually want to come. They see their friends locally at weekends and go to football clubs and birthday parties.

I'd be happy to take them on, but only if they wanted this. They do get on well with my DC but we've never lived together. We do some blended weekends but with kids all having different rules, bedtimes and interests they're nothing like siblings. More like cousins.

Please give me all your advice/experiences. I have agreed to nothing yet and don't plan to sleepwalk into a chaotic situation driven by other people's life choices.

If you live in different towns then his DC are unlikely to want to visit much. I'd steer clear personally. It doesn't seem to make much sense now. I'd leave it at bit to see how their 70 30 works etc

The children want less time with dad, I'd be going with their wishes. They're old enough to have their views listened to.

If you are reluctant to do it - then don't!

It all seems very convenient for him, but less so for you. DCs are at a tricky age - you haven't said what age your DC is - and aren't used to spending time together.

Also I'm far from a woolly headed romantic, but surely the main reason a couple should move in together is because they cannot bear to live apart, not because he would be handy for DIY and it saves him a tonne of money and is a pragmatic solution to his housing problem.

Sounds very sensible. I'll probably suggest he stays in his same area however works best for him.

To the poster who said this is all about money and DIY, it isn't. DP has always wanted to live with me and just got excited that the new child arrangement might mean that he can.

But I agree with the idea that kids from a dfiferent town would not want to come here.

You don’t say how old your DC is but it would be a major change for them more than anyone. 2 other children 30% of the time.
what if mum changed her mind again and it was 50/50 again or even more.
i do know a few successful blended families but it’s always when they are together full time rather than moving between houses/rules.

Hes got it all worked out, hasn't he? Are you the replacement for the nanny, except you'll do it for free?

He needs to cut his cloth according to his means and that doesn't mean he gets to tap into your resources to do it.

Never agree to something like this unless you're 100% enthusiastic.

How can he have then 30% of the time if he is living in a different town? Would it mean he has them every weekend?

That would be a very bad idea imo. The DCs need time with their mum that isn’t about school etc…
Plus as others have said they’ll want to see their friends, go out etc… when they were primary age, that might have worked. But not now.

fwiw I can see how he feels it would be a great idea financially.
But I’m querying why he used a nanny (very expensive) rather than a CM or after school club. And why he stayed in a house when he couldn’t cover the mortgage.
It would worry me that his way of managing money is an issue tbh. Unsustainable spendings and using savings wouldn’t work for me.

I would also NOT allow him to pay the mortgage or anything to do with the house. You dint want him to have a claim on your house.

Exactly this. It has nothing to do with the children, it's his 'bright idea' to save himself money, as you say yourself.

But his other bright idea is to move in with me. His living cost paying half my mortgage and bills, plus CMS, would still be much lower and within his wage.
I'd benefit financially and from having him around more. He's excellent at DIY. I have two spare rooms so his kids would have bedrooms.

You don't want to. That's all you need to know. You're not supporting cast in his scheme to make his life easier.

In fact, I don't know why you're focusing on his children, it's the fact that you don't want him living with you, at least not now, that is the key thing here. Don't do it.

He's happy not to have his kids as much because they've drained his savings and then he doesn't have to pay a nanny? (Not sure why he needs a nanny at their ages anyway) and now he wants to move in because then he won't have to pay his mortgage?

So his sole motivation for anything seems to be money, I know you saying that he's 'always' wanted to live with you but all I hear is that it would 'always' have saved him money. He also doesn't seem to really care about whether this is best for his kids, just that it's best for him. Personally I wouldn't entertain him moving in.

How long is he going to be happy paying half your mortgage before he expects to be put on the deeds?

For all the children's sake I'd advise against. Just wait till they're older.

He's excellent at DIY.

That is a spectacularly terrible reason for blending families. You can hire people for that stuff or YouTube it.

It's not very romantic to want to move in with you to save money now his circumstances have changed!

Not a chance.

This has got 'you'll be a free nanny' written all over it. Especially if your kids are under 10.

You claim his reasons are honourable op, but I'd watch his face carefully if you say no if I were you. It might tell you more than you want to see.

This doesn’t sound like a natural progression of a relationship, it just suits him so he is trying to push it. I would be very wary of inviting someone so obviously money focused to gain a financial interest in your home which is what will eventually happen if he moves in and pays rent.

You need home to be paying rent to you not half the mortgage, half the bills and, depending on how much kids are around each week, an appropriate split on food.
I'd worry that he's needed a nanny ... sounds as though he might not be prepared to cook, clean, do the washing etc.?
Perhaps have a trial run for a month - before he sells/rents out his house.
Do not put his name on your house deeds or mortgage.

If you go ahead, he needs to rent his house out initially so you are free to change your mind.

Why would he not need childcare any more? He would still have to cover the 30% time with his dc - and this might involve childcare, unless he is envisaging his 30% being every Saturday and Sunday?

Have you asked him what his childcare plan is for his 30% time?

Keep your home and your independence. You owe it to your child. Moving another family into your home is a huge deal and completely different from enjoying each other's company whilst still having your own space.

I think he should stay put and separate the change in kids' arrangement from moving in with you. As you say, he's already saving on the nanny etc., and he'll have more time to see you so that's helpful. Enjoy and adjust to those changes rather than folding in the huge change of moving in, blending families, making things way more challenging for all the kids (especially as thos ages) and so on. There's just no need and no benefit to you or your DC really, not that outweighs the significant risks. Let the DC keep the familiarity of the location for now while shifting to the new routine. The moving in should come for better and more organic reasons, if at all.

I'd suggest waiting to see how the new 70/30 set up goes before I considered anything. And even then, I'd stipulate that he had to rent his house out, so that you've got a get out of jail card.
I certainly wouldn't be agreeing to anything just yet and you've also got to be 100% up for it.

He also doesn't seem to really care about whether this is best for his kids, just that it's best for him.

This. I find this shocking!

Also - was the nanny for him? As a pp suggested, adulting sounds like it may be beyond him.

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..and if the kids have always had a nanny picking up after them , then they are in your home 30% of the time and you expect them to start picking up after themselves....

I'd be very wary of moving him in. Yes it's convenient for him and will save him money but there is much else to consider.

For example, how would your kids feel about him being there ALL the time? It's one thing to get along well but someone living in their home is a whole different ball game.

What happens if his children decide they want to live with their dad? You could end up with them living with you full time - how would you and your children feel about that? How would different parenting approaches and expectations work within your blended family? How would you feel if you ended up doing the majority of childcare for his children?

If it were me, I'd wait at least a couple more years and then see how you feel. There's no need to rush and every reason to be cautious.

You should be thinking about what's best for your children. Do they want him living there all the time and would they want his children staying there? Their home life would look very very different.

"paying half my mortgage". This is potentially a recipie for disaster for you. He would then have a claim on your house if anything goes wrong. If you're not 100%, say no.