DP wants to move in but I am not sure

[Pineapplehairgirl]

Hi everyone. I'm new to Mumsnet and have come here for some advice after reading some excellent threads on step-parenting, blended families and child arrangements.

I am not a step-parent yet but may be about to become one. Huge dilemma.

I've been with DP (I hope I've learned the correct Mumsnet lingo!) for four years. We have always lived in different towns. He has always had his two DCs, now 10 and 13, 50-50. I also have one DC 50-50. We mainly spend our non-contact time together, tho due to different contact days he sees my DC much more than I see his. They get on really well.

DP's situation is changing. His DCs want to live with their mum more instead of shuttling between two homes. DP has decided this is the right thing to do because doing 50-50 has drained his savings - he has a mortgaged house and a nanny and it all costs more than he earns. Mum is very financially secure with an inherited house and relatives providing free childcare.

Mum is happy to go part time to have the kids 70-30. DP would pay her CMS maintenance which is a lot less than his mortgage and nanny.

But his other bright idea is to move in with me. His living cost paying half my mortgage and bills, plus CMS, would still be much lower and within his wage.
I'd benefit financially and from having him around more. He's excellent at DIY. I have two spare rooms so his kids would have bedrooms.

But I think where this all falls apart is that his kids, being the ages they are, might not actually want to come. They see their friends locally at weekends and go to football clubs and birthday parties.

I'd be happy to take them on, but only if they wanted this. They do get on well with my DC but we've never lived together. We do some blended weekends but with kids all having different rules, bedtimes and interests they're nothing like siblings. More like cousins.

Please give me all your advice/experiences. I have agreed to nothing yet and don't plan to sleepwalk into a chaotic situation driven by other people's life choices.

Paying a mortgage isn't decreasing savings, it is increasing equity. It is still an iinvestment. Paying for a nanny for 10 and 13 year olds with no additional needs is financially imprudent. Does he actually have an idea about financial management? He wants to move in with you and see his kids less to up his savings, but you have said about things being tight for you too. He doesn't seem to be thinking about your joint future.

I'd let his situation become more settled before getting involved. If the 70/30 works and you feel moving in is a step you want to take you could give it a try.

You're the answer to all his prayers aren't you OP. I'd stay exactly as you are personally.

Do you really want a man hanging around your personal space all the time, Snoring, farting, doing stinky shits in the toilet and helping himself to your food (unless he's offering to pay half of bills). I never wanted to live with a BF as I couldn't stand the thought of a man in my space all the time, but not everyone is the same.

I’ve just re-read the paragraph where you said he does have savings, but he doesn’t want to use them yet, as he wants them for uni, buying the kids a car, flat deposits etc.

I’m sorry, but those are luxuries (well, maybe not uni). So he’s not financially broke, but just has a large saving pot. He needs to use that money now, to pay the mortgage etc, and not have it saved away.

But his other bright idea is to move in with me.

Nothing about this is natural. Your OP and subsequent updates paint your DP in a pretty poor light - suggesting a major change for you and your child because the timing and financial opportunity suits him.

So many other things that PPs have pointed out - his priorities are odd (saving for cars for his children instead of having a home of his own), the nanny, etc.

Mum changing her mind again is possible and would be hugely disruptive for everyone. DP would have to accept - with a consequence our relationship ended if he didn’t - that this could not be an option. The pair of them would have to agree a child arrangements order for me to move forward with this or even start to consider it.

In reality none of this is likely - he would be well established as the man of your house and be ready to remind you 'It's their home, too'.

Please spare your child and yourself all these complications and pressures. You have expressed so much doubt in your own posts - trust your instincts.

He’d prefer to support kids through uni/give towards flat deposits/buy them cars

So are you going to be able to do similar? How will you feel if there is great inequality?

Back to finances, you say he earns well but isn't managing to pay a mortgage and childcare...something doesn't add up as childcare doesn't need to be a nanny and many, many single mums cope.

They'll only be spending 30% of the time with him.. and if he moves in with you, they don't get that time with him alone.

The only person he's thinking about here is himself.

It's a big change for his kids reducing time with him and he's not considering, that with his proposal they'll have to spend that 30% of time in a new home.. and a house that isn't really their dad's place.

Even though all the kids may get on well...living together is very different.

Let him keep his house and let his children, at least get used to the change. They already want less time with him.. if he moves a whole town away, they'll be less inclined to come, until they just stop altogether.

Sounds very sensible thank you. Glad to hear you ended up married to your now DH. It is often worth waiting for what we want instead of moving too soon

The main reason is not financial. Mainly the kids want or need to be in one main home. They don’t like 50-50. I’ve read now all over Mumsnet that dads who insist on 50-50 are doing it for themselves and not considering the kids or their likely stronger relationship with mum. I’ve seen over the years the kids simply prefer being with their mum and would absolutely choose her over dad. The two parents are recognizing this for the children’s wellbeing.

But I also think DP should keep his home or buy a smaller one in the area to stay in the kids’ lives as much as possible. He can see me as usual.

Also teenagers constantly change their minds and preferred parent status is likely to shift again. DP should allow for this.

Im not sure he’s thinking straight as the prospect of losing his 50-50 has really really upset him, although he has accepted it.

I don’t think he’s in the right state of mind to be making plans to move in with me.

I agree this is correct.

I am going to encourage DP to stay as close as possible to his children.

Knowing him well, I think he will recognise this. I think he’s emotionally damaged by the loss of 50-50 (driven by the kids) and is coming up with daft ideas temporarily while he processes this huge change.

It’s more theres no point burning through his savings to keep the kids in a house they want themselves to spend less time in. 50/50 wasn’t working for them. But he can drop the nanny and buy a smaller house if he needs to. I agree with all PPs that I am not ‘the answer’ and having him move in with me is high risk and high cost to me.

Good idea!

So he will start paying child-support, will still pay mortgage (might it be a smaller buy-to-let one), pay taxes and bills associated with running said buy-to-let, will also pay half of your mortgage and half of all bills/living costs... And it will work out cheaper than his current arrangement?

I bet the nanny will be sad at losing her 150k a year job...
Or it's all bull*

It’s only a good idea if you are going to consider it again so soon. It doesn’t sound as if you would given your responses previously. All the issues that make it difficult now won’t disappear in months, or even a year. You don’t need to try to placate him, it’s fine to say no till the DC are much older.

Also, as others have said his response will be telling. Of course he can be disappointed, but any signs of worrying behaviours, threats etc ( I hope there are none ) pay attention. There is a thread on here with a man displaying quite different behaviour with his partner’s saying no for the first time .

Women are socialised to agree, appease and give in, it’s hard not to sometimes.

This doesn't make any sense. He's worried about finances: he should get a smaller house and get rid of the nanny. If he will have them less this makes even more sense. Not moving to another town ! The children will feel like their dad doesn't care about them abd they won't be able to see their friends.

And then we got the blended family problems. He will not have the same parenting style and you will fight about one being too strict and the other too permissive etc.

Just left a man I once loved due to differing parenting styles, rules, kids behaviour

I ended up hating every second of any 'blended' time, and lost all respect and love for him

It wasn't fair on my children, and if I could turn back time I wish more than anything we had waited

My advice would be do not do it, I feel so much relief to be away from it

How did you come to that figure? He's basically just switching the nanny for child support and saving money because the nanny costs more than the child support does. Plus he'll have less food to buy. Where are you getting £150k?

I agree with you.

I put almost this exact solution to DP last night and he agreed that losing the nanny (he would once ended 50-50 anyway) and moving into a cheaper house is the best idea.

That sounds like a good outcome.

I’m so sorry and I hope the two of you can work it out, if you want to, once the new living arrangements are established.

This is another risk I have put to DP, which he agreed with. Blending can and does seem often to lead to unblending. Far too risky for the kids and the adults.