DP wants to move in but I am not sure

[Pineapplehairgirl]

Hi everyone. I'm new to Mumsnet and have come here for some advice after reading some excellent threads on step-parenting, blended families and child arrangements.

I am not a step-parent yet but may be about to become one. Huge dilemma.

I've been with DP (I hope I've learned the correct Mumsnet lingo!) for four years. We have always lived in different towns. He has always had his two DCs, now 10 and 13, 50-50. I also have one DC 50-50. We mainly spend our non-contact time together, tho due to different contact days he sees my DC much more than I see his. They get on really well.

DP's situation is changing. His DCs want to live with their mum more instead of shuttling between two homes. DP has decided this is the right thing to do because doing 50-50 has drained his savings - he has a mortgaged house and a nanny and it all costs more than he earns. Mum is very financially secure with an inherited house and relatives providing free childcare.

Mum is happy to go part time to have the kids 70-30. DP would pay her CMS maintenance which is a lot less than his mortgage and nanny.

But his other bright idea is to move in with me. His living cost paying half my mortgage and bills, plus CMS, would still be much lower and within his wage.
I'd benefit financially and from having him around more. He's excellent at DIY. I have two spare rooms so his kids would have bedrooms.

But I think where this all falls apart is that his kids, being the ages they are, might not actually want to come. They see their friends locally at weekends and go to football clubs and birthday parties.

I'd be happy to take them on, but only if they wanted this. They do get on well with my DC but we've never lived together. We do some blended weekends but with kids all having different rules, bedtimes and interests they're nothing like siblings. More like cousins.

Please give me all your advice/experiences. I have agreed to nothing yet and don't plan to sleepwalk into a chaotic situation driven by other people's life choices.

DP has decided this is the right thing to do because doing 50-50 has drained his savings

What the hell did I just read?

On top of what everyone else has said, it's never a good idea to blend families when parenting styles don't align. How are you going to explain to you kids that they have to go to bed even thought the other kids are allowed up playing video games? That they have to pick up after themselves even though the other kids don't?

It reads like he just wants to move in with you, to save himself some money.

Don’t go there @Pineapplehairgirl , wait and watch to see what pans out.

'Keep your home and your independence. You owe it to your child. Moving another family into your home is a huge deal and completely different from enjoying each other's company whilst still having your own space.´
This

I am a stepparent and as a warning OP, you rarely get advice from people with experience of stepparenting on this board, just a lot of outrage from people who hate stepparents and/or want their exes to suffer.

How far apart are you? What is his plan for the 70/30? I wouldn’t be keen on having his children for every single weekend and holiday (and I doubt they would either) but if it’s commutable for school, half the weekends and holidays and a night midweek could work. How does your child feel about it?

I’d question whether he’s profiting more than you. Rent from his property is likely to be far higher than half of your costs, so is he planning to build up his savings from this? It’d be fairer to put those savings into a joint account. That way if you split, you get half, and if you don’t, it’s for your shared future anyway.

How does your child feel about living full time with a man they are unrelated to and barely know? Is it in their best interest?

You mentioned he is keen to live with you - are you equally keen to have him around all the time? Is your child happy with that?
If you do decide to go ahead, I'd say on a trial basis for a few months to see how it works
He doesn't sell his house.
SC can't come every weekend. They won't want to and it's not fair on you/your child.
He contributes to bills - I wouldn't let him pay towards the mortgage.
He understands that you won't be taking up the slack from the nanny. He will need to do cooking, laundry, etc and any running around to collect them, drop them off etc. Your priority will always be your own child.
See how that discussion goes. If he enthusiastically agrees and it's what you want, then maybe try it for 3 months.

How old are your children? Have you spoken to them about it?

It is very hard. Personally, if I could go back I wouldn't have done it. I would have waited until the children were not children. Not sure about yours but his are about to hit the teenage years and this can be a disaster at the best of times without dad moving in with his girlfriend and her children.

There will always be a bit of animosity, I would leave it as is.

Absolutely. Mum changing her mind again is possible and would be hugely disruptive for everyone. DP would have to accept - with a consequence our relationship ended if he didn’t - that this could not be an option. The pair of them would have to agree a child arrangements order for me to move forward with this or even start to consider it.

It’s a big ‘No’ from me for the following reasons.

1. You’re reluctant - if you wanted it you’d be welcoming him with open arms
2. He’s drained his savings - so he’s broke (and poor with money management)
3. 70:30 childcare - will you take up the default ‘mum’ role if there’s no nanny (for childcare, extra washing etc)
4. nanny - so he’s not used to looking after his own kids
5. mortgage - will be a lodger/tenant etc. will ge pay you rent? Don’t put him on your mortgage, else he’ll have a claim to it
6. Different parenting styles

It’s the same old story, broke dad with kids wants to move in with financially secure single lady.

Interesting. Sounds like you ended up in an uncomfortable blend. How did this happen? What was the main incentive for you to do it? Were the problems with the blend - if I am interpreting your comment correctly -caused by the practicalities of the set up or eg stuff the bio parents did that you had no control over/couldnt have pre-empted?

I keep asking myself why I would consider blending with DP. What unmet need does this fulfil?

I am quite broke. Still, for money/lower living costs/childcare I could follow up on my brother’s suggestion to share my property with him. He’s much younger and has a good wage but no deposit cos he couldn’t save enough being part of Generation Rent. He could pay rent for a share of equity and he’s brilliant with my DC. He does DIY too!

I already get the good bits of a ‘blend’ as all kids get on well. As I say, like cousins. I don’t have to deal with the different rules, routines and behaviors.

I have a horrible feeling I want to rescue DP from his own problems stemming from his own divorce. I need to examine why I am being like this.

And I don’t think it would be best for his kids. Him and exw should sort finances between themselves.

Cocklodger alert!!
He's more interested in saving ££ than being with you.
I imagine offloading the nanny will save him £.

he will lose touch with his dc as they won’t want to visit for entire weekends all the time when they are teens. They’ve already said they want one base (as my dc did) not 2 houses let alone a new blended family. I’d also suggest trying holidays together first (now he has spare cash). Don’t let him contribute to your mortgage or do free improvements to your house unless you are happy to give up a share. He can downsize his house to save money if he’s not there much of the time and his dc don’t need own rooms when they stay but he’d be foolish to give up building up an asset of his own.

Thanks for this feedback. Has given me some useful ideas.

Money - DP has a good wage and substantial savings. But he wants to preserve them instead of burning through. By time youngest is 18 his money would all be gone if he keeps up with 50/50. He’d prefer to support kids through uni/give towards flat deposits/buy them cars.

Nanny: agree this has been silly when the DCs have a mum willing to do more.

Default mum role? Absolutely not but no idea what role would be. Imagine it would be like a guest family staying over, very often. I’d not seek to discipline or parent DP’s kids. I’m well established with them as very friendly bonus adult, like an aunt. DP would have to ensure they respect certain house rules which we would agree as a group with adults having final say.

Property: best for DP to pay me rent and put his property equity in a buy to let, ring fenced for his kids to own/inherit as adults perhaps. Then if exw has ever a claim on his assets, they are not mixed up with mine. Is it fair to charge one’s partner rent though?

Good at DIY?

don't plan to sleepwalk into a chaotic situation driven by other people's life choices

Then don't do it, it's got bad idea for you and your DC written all over it. If what you have now isn't broken in your opinion, and you're happy with things as they are then keep going like you are. Don't let his concern about his savings become your problem, it's squarely his business, along with his mortgage.

His kids are just cresting the age where they will want to be with their friends more and it's a shit time for him to move further away from them and in with you and DC. It's a shit idea all round for all of you really, other than your boyfriend who has got poundsigns and a free nanny and housekeeper in his sights, don't do it.

I have agreed to nothing yet and don't plan to sleepwalk into a chaotic situation driven by other people's life choices.

Thats exactly what you would be doing. It all sounds very convenient for him, but what exactly is the benefit to your children who should come first in your decision making? I honestly believe that 99.9% of the time, ‘blended’ family situations are a bad thing for the kids involved. They need a safe, secure and peaceful home with their parent and not mum’s boyfriend and his kids who it sounds like they don’t even know all that well. The phrase ‘mangled’ family was used on here recently and honestly it’s a much better description for the situations you read about on these boards.

Keep your relationship separate and your kids home for them. His reaction to that will tell you all you need to know about his motivations. FWIW I would feel very uneasy about a dad who is excited that his kids have chosen to spend less time living with him because he can live with his girlfriend somewhere else and have more money 🤨 Surely he would be upset?

This has disaster written all over it but at least you haven’t done it yet, most times you read about this stuff it’s done and dusted by the time the OP realises it was a bad idea.

Oh he would absolutely not get a free nanny/housekeeper.

Also as we have been together a long while and plan to stay together it’s in my interest too for him to preserve his current, remaining capital.

But you are right that at the ages they are this is not best for kids. There must be other ways for DP to sort his finances and I will recommend he sits down with a financial adviser.

It's all about how financially convenient it would be for him, with absolutely no mention of you, your relationship or your child OP. He's giving up having 50/50 access to his children, wants to sell the home they've lived in for years and move to another town to be financially supported by his GF? What a prince.

I think it has already been mentioned up thread but what if something happens to Mum in a years time and both DC need to live with him full time? Or the scenario that often happens, teen DC has a fall out with Mum and moves in with Dad. Not the point if the thread but why isn't he offering to pay above the legal minimum? This all seems very 'pass all of my responsibilities on to women who can babysit me through life'. I wouldn't want a man like that in my life and I wouldn't take the risk of him moving in with DC still at home.

Surely he wasn’t going to have to pay for a nanny for 10 and 13 year olds much longer?

A quick search through Mumsnet will give you plenty of threads of men who moved themselves and their kids into a woman’s home, then she cannot get rid when it all turns into a nightmare. If one or both falls out with mum and decides to live with dad FT (in your house!) you’ll be told that’s what you signed up for. If they are still in your home at 28, you’ll be told it’s their home too and it’s soooo hard for young people.

On that note, do not give your brother equity in your home in exchange for rent!! At the very most, allow him to pay his bills only to save hard for a deposit. But it’s not up to you to solve all the men in your life’s financial issues.

Mangled family indeed!

DP’s not exactly excited about losing time with his kids. He’s heartbroken the 50/50 hasn’t worked out for all of them and become impossibly expensive for him. But he sees being able to live with me as the silver lining. I don’t, actually, as it’s going to be way more complex than he possibly realises (and than I did before discovering this website and reading all these considerate responses to my question).

So just to check.

He would sell his house and do what with the profit?

Then he would start contributing to YOUR mortgage and expect some equity?

He'd end up with money from 1.5 houses, and you'd end up with far less?

You’re right re my brother too. We lost our mum when he was quite little. I’m a rescuer aren’t I.

You talk about what works for dp and his kids. . To put it bluntly, they’re not your responsibility.

Do what works for you.

Just DON'T would be my advice.
Keep your DP, but your lives, finances and homes nicely separated.