DP wants to move in but I am not sure

[Pineapplehairgirl]

Hi everyone. I'm new to Mumsnet and have come here for some advice after reading some excellent threads on step-parenting, blended families and child arrangements.

I am not a step-parent yet but may be about to become one. Huge dilemma.

I've been with DP (I hope I've learned the correct Mumsnet lingo!) for four years. We have always lived in different towns. He has always had his two DCs, now 10 and 13, 50-50. I also have one DC 50-50. We mainly spend our non-contact time together, tho due to different contact days he sees my DC much more than I see his. They get on really well.

DP's situation is changing. His DCs want to live with their mum more instead of shuttling between two homes. DP has decided this is the right thing to do because doing 50-50 has drained his savings - he has a mortgaged house and a nanny and it all costs more than he earns. Mum is very financially secure with an inherited house and relatives providing free childcare.

Mum is happy to go part time to have the kids 70-30. DP would pay her CMS maintenance which is a lot less than his mortgage and nanny.

But his other bright idea is to move in with me. His living cost paying half my mortgage and bills, plus CMS, would still be much lower and within his wage.
I'd benefit financially and from having him around more. He's excellent at DIY. I have two spare rooms so his kids would have bedrooms.

But I think where this all falls apart is that his kids, being the ages they are, might not actually want to come. They see their friends locally at weekends and go to football clubs and birthday parties.

I'd be happy to take them on, but only if they wanted this. They do get on well with my DC but we've never lived together. We do some blended weekends but with kids all having different rules, bedtimes and interests they're nothing like siblings. More like cousins.

Please give me all your advice/experiences. I have agreed to nothing yet and don't plan to sleepwalk into a chaotic situation driven by other people's life choices.

He’d pay half of all our living costs. But this would help him not stay financially over extended. He’s not an unemployed deadbeat he’s a capable professional who has to rearrange his finances.

Exactly!

Remember if he contributes to your mortgage, he can declare an interest in your property.

He’s heartbroken the 50/50 hasn’t worked out for all of them and become impossibly expensive for him.

But this isn't what we do as parents when 50/50 becomes a bit spenny is it? We don't say, ah well kids that was fun but it's all getting a bit too expensive now, so I'm going to let your mum pick up the slack from here. They're not a nice to have second home in France that has become a bit of a drain.

Thank god for his ex wife eh? And he's rubbing his hands he''s got you on the hook now too. He's a pain in the arse OP, I would think very very carefully about tying yourself to him financially in any way, ever.

Should have explained re nanny. She was with the kids from v young when both parents were married. DP kept her for continuity. Exw didn’t need to cos her parents moved v nearby to help her out.

Then let him. Let him rearrange his finances. Not yours.

"He’d pay half of all our living costs. But this would help him not stay financially over extended. He’s not an unemployed deadbeat he’s a capable professional who has to rearrange his finances."

@Pineapplehairgirl that's still you financially supporting him OP-can you not see that? What happens if you break up in a few years? Will he claim a stake in your house if he's been contributing to your mortgage? So he's going to sell his house, bank the equity, then move into your house, halve his outgoings, and I'm betting will expect a stake in your house too.

So he'll have a nice little nest egg, more disposable income, and could make the argument (legally) that he has been financially contributing to your mortgage.

And any man who chooses to see his children less to save money is a deadbeat.

Don’t ever put yourself in the position of being some man’s financial salvation to get himself out of a pickle he got himself into in the first place. It always ends in resentment.

This.

His kids are 10 and 13. Surely his childcare costs should be minimal now?

Also, you currently get 50% of your week to yourself. You will lose a significant chunk of that if he and his kids (even pt) move in.

OP, if in doubt, go without. (This applies to most things in life.) You are doubtful about letting this chap move in with his children - so don’t do it. While I still had children at home, now DH used to see his children at his house, and come to mine for the other days. It meant he saw far more of my children than I did of his, but it worked because the children never had to compromise over space or possessions or anything else, and everyone knew where they stood. If you have misgivings, then go without your gut - you know that this has potential disaster written all over it. If he becomes cut off from his DC, he won’t be happy, and if your DC have to make accommodation for his (and vice versa) they won’t be happy either. Tell your DP that moving in together is for further down the road - don’t jeopardise either of your relationships with your children, or indeed each other, by moving in together too quickly.

The only reason to rush is to save your DP money. Don’t allow yourself to be pressured because of the sense of urgency his change of situation is creating. Tell him it’s something to think about and consider again in 6-12 months.

If he pays half your mortgage and you split up, could he have a claim against your house?
I would steer clear and not let him move in.
Would he expect you to do his childcare for him?
His DC living in another town could be an issue.

I have a blended family - although my DSD is my children’s half sibling and even that is hard. My children get frustrated with the two sets of rules and parenting styles (because DH essentially parents as DSD’s mum allows to keep the peace which isn’t consistent with how we parent our children).

My own view is I wouldn’t even consider blending with other children or another adult until my own DC had moved out. It’s much more disruptive than you can even envisage.

I think the big red flag here is that this is a man who had a nanny for 10 & 13 year olds who only lived with him 50%. When was he doing any parenting? Surely, children who are late primary and secondary age can fend for themselves with a bit of after school club, afternoon here and there at a friend’s, an hour or a few home alone. They don’t need a nanny. I would be worried both about his parenting skills and also his money management skills, because hiring a nanny in this situation when you can’t afford it seems like a major avoidance tactic. My guess is he is going to find living with a child full time in a stepparent roll pretty annoying.

Nothing is more attractive to certain men than a woman with a house.

If he does move in, he can pay you contributions towards bills and expenses (even more than 50%) but this is not to be seen as a contribution towards the mortgage or house and you should have it documented as such. Particularly if his DIY is going to been seen as materially improving the home.

Surely being a 50/50 parent has been financially expensive for you too? Why are you focused on his money issues and not seeing that you have the same situation and aren't stressing about losing savings?

You don’t have any control here whether he “accepts” this or not. And he doesn’t “have” to accept anything.

50/50 didn’t “drain” him his big house, outsourcing child care to the nanny, and low wages did.

What happens if you die - will your kids have to share their inheritance with him?

Is it possible that his kids might inherit everything & your kids get nothing?

Op, surely the trend is that childcare will be less expensive in the future so if he is making the decision on costs then is it wise?

Secondly, is this in his long-term financial interests? What happens when he is older and doesn't have a house, will he rent or have to live with you or another girlfriend?

As others say, take legal advice on the wisdom of him contributing to your mortgage. Make sure that's agreed.

Many blended families, especially during teen years, become very difficult, unhappy homes. There are often 4 parents that influence the children so it's very unsettling for teens who are pushing boundaries. It's not impossible but it isn't something you do and expect an easy life.

You will have a major increase of workload going from 3 to 6 individuals in the house. It has to be shared and start as you mean...if you pick up the responsibility for clean bedding, shopping it will remain with you.

Absolutely this!! - OP ?

So he's happy for the kids to live with their mum for mainly financial reasons because he's depleted his savings and it sounds like he wants to move in with you for mainly financial reasons. Right.

It would be a big fat no from me.

Terrible idea and reflects badly on your DP as a father, coparent with his ex and partner to you and potential stepfather to your DC.

you say it’s not about money for him, but it clearly is. Money and his wants, over several DCs’ needs. Ick.

would reduce the time your DC spends with him, on the basis of the imbalance and his poor judgment (at best)

If you are happy and comfortable with your current arrangement, say no.

This would be my concern. Alongside the fact that he has always wanted to move in. I would be worried that he's always has a lot of women working for him, so to speak, and that living together would turn you into his servant.