What to do when step son suddenly wants to live with us?

[Msl1980s]

Tried to make this shorter but it's difficult to do as feel I need to explain the back story!
I've been with my partner for almost 10 years.
Met him when his son was 9 and I got along very well with him then. He's now 16. His mum was a pain in the backside when ss was younger, using him and turning him against my partner a lot but as ss got older and he's wiser up to his mum that's all been sorted. Partner and ex don't really speak to each other as no need now as is a teenager.
We have two young children between us 4 yrs and 20 months. The 20 month old is a bit of a handful, tried everything to sort it and he's slowly getting better, but he can have a proper tantrum at times which results in a lot of screaming and we just have to wait for him to calm down. Nothing wrong with him just trypical toddler behaviour .
Ss has never made an effort with the kids and I said that's fine, there's a huge age gap so understandable but he wouldn't even sit in the same room as them if they were eating as found it "disgusting" . He's stopped coming over so much because he finds our son "annoying", and he also says he has better Internet at his place. We also make him help tidy up at ours, nothing major as he's barely here long enough but do the dishwasher etc.
His mum used to get annoyed when he didn't come here much as she had a boyfriend and wanted the house to herself however she's now single and seems happy with ss being there more. She's always molly coddled him, has never taught him to be independent, does a the cleaning, washing etc. She also has a 5 year old daughtwr who lives with them and sees her dad every weekend (they don't get on at all but that's a diff story).
He started at college this year but isn't enjoying it and changed courses already, although I totally get it, what 16 year old knows what they want to do!?
We are going to be moving an hour away this year and downsizing to a 2 and half bedroom flat in order to save money and help with a family business.
Ss has now said he will prob come live with us after college..... We've asked where that has come from because we've talked loads about moving and he's never been remotely interested. We will be a in a tiny village with nothing to do. There will be no room for him apart from to stay the odd night as the half bedroom is an office, which will be used daily but with no space for anything else like wardrobes and def no TV or PlayStation space.
He's also never interested in coming over unless it's someone's birthday and he knows we will be going out for dinner (he won't eat anything healthy).
EG this weekend, asked him ages if he will be around this weekend as likely will be doing something but didn't know what and he said no.
Now mentioned we are going out for dinner with my side of family (that we only see once a year) which has been booked for months and he' said "OK I'll come". We've said its too late now as it was a squeeze getting us in to the restaurant, and have no way of getting there now as using a smaller car but it's clearly because we've mentioned we are going for dinner.

We mentioned 2 years ago that we would probably be going away in the school term time as cheaper and he was fine with that but last year did a big very expensive holiday with whole family which he came to.
This year have booked a holiday with our family and sister and their kids (who ss has said he doesn't like as too noisy) in the school time and he's said we should have asked him. Just fyi we didn't pay for it as have no money as are saving so parents kindly paying.
We've said we wouldn't take him in school time because he's got college but he said he doesn't care but obviously we said that his education comes first.
His dad took him away last year to stay with a family member abroad and takes him to his grandparents to watch football regularly, because he refuses to go anywhere with his dad as doesn't want to be seen out with him (again typical teenager stuff). Partner is going to try and take him away this year (depending on money). Ss hasn't given his dad a birthday card, or present or Xmas guvr in 3 years, doesn't even text or call to wish happy birthday until I remind him to (his mum won't bother telling him to). Last year I forgot to remind him and he didn't call or text the whole day.
He's not a bad kid, usual teenager stuff, lazy, doesn't have many friends as doesn't seem to be interested in doing anything other than going on PlayStation. We've tried to get him to get a job but he can't be bothered and I know his mums got a lot of credit card debt as well as on all sorts of benefits, and barely works and he sees that as something to aspire to.

Not sure really what I'm after here. Just to rant and see what people think about the situation??

You said you helped your DP to become a better father - so just for clarity, he was shit for the first 9 years of SS life?

Would his mother be paying child support to his father if his father has done so for the past few years?

You keep contradicting yourself. You say DH is always driving him around. Takes him to the gym. Picks him up from his friends. Then in the same post you say he has only been in the new car once. So which is it?

You said he hasn't stayed in his nice bedroom in a year. Yet you also say he moved in with you last year and stayed for 4 nights over Christmas. So which is it?

In one breath you say how little SS is around, then in the next you try to make it sound like you're very involved in his life. Both can't be true.

Well ideally, yes. Although many many women care for and support their children despite the dads not paying a penny.
Me parenting and caring for my child is not conditional on getting money from their dad.

Honey, it's crystal clear. Your darling boyfriend is a SHIT father and you are a disgrace of a step'mother'.

@Msl1980sbefore your SS stopped wanting to come to yours how often did his dad have him , was it 50.50 or eow ? I felt it was a bit telling you saying his mum wanted time to herself when she had a new boyfriend as if you were resentful that having him then was you doing her a favour or babysitting not sharing care and parental responsibility's for a shared child. I assume your now husband managed to get time on his own to establish a relationship with you and have two more kids.
I have lived experience of a genuine nightmare ex partner/ co parenting issue but I also know that in a lot of cases RP being thought of as a cf is when she might have dared to expect more that meant his dad having to actually make sacrifices too.
You are back peddling in this thread and I don’t think you are being honest with yourself about him not being anybody’s priority ever.
*I don’t hate step mums I am a full time one.

No he just didn't know how to parent properly as didn't have any help. As in didn't know how to set boundaries, tried to be as friend rather than dad and so as was getting a little difficult at times, allowed ss mum to walk all over him and if dh disagreed with her over something she wouldn't let him see ss.
On occasions when he was at ours she would be ringing non stop to make sure he was in bed (on a weekend so no school the next day and we had taken him out for late dinner). He wasn't a bad parent in any means but he needed help with some things so that when we had kids he knew how to be. I don't have time to go into it all but it doesn't matter what I say. Anyway shes much better but the first few years of our relationship were hard.
Me, ss and dh have a good relationship despite everyone think we are rubbish. When he's been round he asks for advise on college and girls and friends and he always says he's glad his dad met me as I've got my sh!t together, and had it not been for us meeting then his dad would still be living at his parents house, and in debt.... This is all ss words.
Anyway thanks all for the advise and everything. I posted last night after having a few drinks and yes I may Sound like I'm a bad mum or step mum and dh is bad but we aren't. The town we live in is not great for schooling and we even spent days choosing the one decent school for ss here at the time, and said he could live with us to be closer and his mum refused and went behind dh back and chose a rubbish school purely because it was closer to her house. Ss has said he's glad we are taking the two kids away to better schools. Thanks all

We got a bigger car to fit ss in as the one before it was not comfortable for ds to sit in between both kids with their car seats.

Eh? Isn't SS older? So you got a bigger car to fit the 2nd and 3rd child you decided to have.

I think that's what you're not getting op. The whole way you talk, when you explain things. Everything is SS fault. An inconvenience. You don't talk about your own dc like that. 'We drive them everywhere' of course you do. That's parenting.

Awful parenting by the both of you, disgusting!

Surely its obvious? She dated him and wasn't introduced to his son for a while until they knew the relationship was serious. There's really no need to spend time with each others kids when you're just dating. It's only really necessary if you're going to live together.

I think it's quite clear that the narrative is being changed to suit the OP and her husbands reasoning behind basically excluding this child from their lives...

Now mentioned we are going out for dinner with my side of family (that we only see once a year) which has been booked for months and he' said "OK I'll come". We've said its too late now as it was a squeeze getting us in to the restaurant, and have no way of getting there now as using a smaller car

This is horrendous to read. And is also a blatant lie. Your car is clearly big enough for 2 adults and 2 car seats. Therefore it is a 5-seater. Therefore your SS can fit in it. You just don't want to take him.

I have a teen DSD and no, she generally isn't interested in doing much unless she's getting a free meal / holiday or going shopping for stuff for her. But that's teens for you!!! Your own kids will be exactly the same but I bet you won't be kicking them out of their bedrooms or downsizing your house / car to push them out.

Awful.

I always feel really sad for step children in situations like this.

No, you’ve misunderstood. The previous poster is questioning the maths — if the stepson was 9 almost a decade ago, he should be at least 18 now.

Yeah MN HATES stepparents! I am one. And it’s fucking difficult! It sounds like you and DP have tried hard. He sounds like hard work. As so many teenagers are. I know. I work with them. They’re assholes! You’ve made plans based on him living with his mum. That was the status quo at the time. SS had not indicated he wanted to live with his dad. In fact had said how much he didn’t want to be around his half siblings and hasn’t used the nice big bedroom you set aside for him. He has now changed his mind. It’s unfortunate, but you now don’t have the space. Had he been actively staying with you I guess you might not have made the plans you made re downsizing and moving. You can’t live your life on the whims of a teenager. Imagine if you changed all your plans and didn’t move or downsize etc and help out with the family business. And then two months later he changed his mind again! Which he probably would. He doesn’t get to dictate what everyone else does, not least because he’s shown no interest in spending time with any of you. He’s not being excluded. He hasn’t wanted to be part of your lives and you’ve had to make decisions based on that.

I know I will get flamed for this!!!! But it’s really hard balancing the needs of all your other family members as well. As I say, my parents made new plans with their partners and there was no question of them prioritising me.

Why on earth would you downsize with 2 small children firstly (we were in a 2 bed flat til youngest was 2 and it was HARD) and secondly you are effectively pushing him out- you will be further away so staying should be expected but he can’t stay with the size of the place. Poor kid! He sounds like a typical teen, why should he have to have his plans in stone weeks prior to each weekend?

Your post comes across that you resent him for normal teenage stuff tbh and it sounds like you don't make it easy for him to be included.

My 15 and 16yo have both reduced time at their Dad's as he doesn't live as close to their friends, the oldest no longer has a schedule, just visits around work shifts and other commitments but would definitely make an effort for a big family gathering. In your example you say the gathering was booked weeks ago, so why wouldn't you tell your SS at the time that it's happening that day and it would be great for him to join you all. It comes across that you asked if he was coming that weekend without telling him what was planned, and now he's found out and wants to come, it's conveniently 'too late'. Put yourself in his shoes, how would you feel? Why wouldn't you make him feel that it would be great to have him there BECAUSE there's a big family get together?

Further, why would you plan a move where there is not enough room for him when he is still a minor in education??

My view, perhaps controversial, is that if you get into a relationship with someone with kids you must consider that they are an equal priority no matter how much time they currently spend with you and make life/holiday/house plans with them in mind while they are minors/young adults.

DH and I both have kids from previous relationships, our conversation was worst case scenario their other parent could die and they could live with us full time if we weren't OK with that possibility, we should have walked away then.

“doesn't even text or call to wish happy birthday until I remind him to (his mum won't bother telling him to). Last year I forgot to remind him and he didn't call or text the whole day.”

You didn’t forget. You were being spiteful.

She said she met him when he was nine. Not that she met him at the beginning of their relationship. Shes been with his dad ten years.

This.

Also, that's teenagers for you. OP making out he's some absolute nightmare child when in reality he's just a completely normal 16 year old who she can't be arsed with.

I'm not entirely disagreeing with you but I don't think you've read all her posts

I agree, it does seem unfair.

I get that you find the lad a nuisance but he is your husband's son and if you set up home with a man who has a dependent child or children, you have to be prepared for taking on more than you'd like.

Regarding birthdays, etc, speak to the boy about how his dad would appreciate a card and small present, they often need reminding. I bet his mum reminds him when it's her birthday.

Moving to such a small place is ridiculous, family business or not. You have two little kids and they will go stir crazy. Some people have little or no choice when it comes to housing but you have chosen this.

Try to put yourself in this boy's shoes, or imagine how you would feel if one or both of your small children was sidelined.

It really is quite repulsive “now he knows it is a dinner…”

She knows full well that he enjoys family dinners but neglected to tell him what it was so he wouldn’t come. They can’t simultaneously “not know” what they’re doing and not be able to take him because it was “booked” so long ago.

So much spite.

You’re a grown woman who chose to marry and have children with a man who already had a child. Grow up.

This was YOUR choice now it’s YOUR responsibility to make the best of it for the people YOUR choices have affected. (This is directed to OP and her husband)

She said she met her partner when his son was 9. Nearly 10 years ago.

Perhaps I misread it then 🤷

I wouldn't worry about it. The OP has changed her story quite a few times so who knows what the truth is.