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Step-parenting

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Original poster

What to do when step son suddenly wants to live with us?

246 replies

Msl1980s · 26/01/2025 23:54

Tried to make this shorter but it's difficult to do as feel I need to explain the back story!
I've been with my partner for almost 10 years.
Met him when his son was 9 and I got along very well with him then. He's now 16. His mum was a pain in the backside when ss was younger, using him and turning him against my partner a lot but as ss got older and he's wiser up to his mum that's all been sorted. Partner and ex don't really speak to each other as no need now as is a teenager.
We have two young children between us 4 yrs and 20 months. The 20 month old is a bit of a handful, tried everything to sort it and he's slowly getting better, but he can have a proper tantrum at times which results in a lot of screaming and we just have to wait for him to calm down. Nothing wrong with him just trypical toddler behaviour .
Ss has never made an effort with the kids and I said that's fine, there's a huge age gap so understandable but he wouldn't even sit in the same room as them if they were eating as found it "disgusting" . He's stopped coming over so much because he finds our son "annoying", and he also says he has better Internet at his place. We also make him help tidy up at ours, nothing major as he's barely here long enough but do the dishwasher etc.
His mum used to get annoyed when he didn't come here much as she had a boyfriend and wanted the house to herself however she's now single and seems happy with ss being there more. She's always molly coddled him, has never taught him to be independent, does a the cleaning, washing etc. She also has a 5 year old daughtwr who lives with them and sees her dad every weekend (they don't get on at all but that's a diff story).
He started at college this year but isn't enjoying it and changed courses already, although I totally get it, what 16 year old knows what they want to do!?
We are going to be moving an hour away this year and downsizing to a 2 and half bedroom flat in order to save money and help with a family business.
Ss has now said he will prob come live with us after college..... We've asked where that has come from because we've talked loads about moving and he's never been remotely interested. We will be a in a tiny village with nothing to do. There will be no room for him apart from to stay the odd night as the half bedroom is an office, which will be used daily but with no space for anything else like wardrobes and def no TV or PlayStation space.
He's also never interested in coming over unless it's someone's birthday and he knows we will be going out for dinner (he won't eat anything healthy).
EG this weekend, asked him ages if he will be around this weekend as likely will be doing something but didn't know what and he said no.
Now mentioned we are going out for dinner with my side of family (that we only see once a year) which has been booked for months and he' said "OK I'll come". We've said its too late now as it was a squeeze getting us in to the restaurant, and have no way of getting there now as using a smaller car but it's clearly because we've mentioned we are going for dinner.

We mentioned 2 years ago that we would probably be going away in the school term time as cheaper and he was fine with that but last year did a big very expensive holiday with whole family which he came to.
This year have booked a holiday with our family and sister and their kids (who ss has said he doesn't like as too noisy) in the school time and he's said we should have asked him. Just fyi we didn't pay for it as have no money as are saving so parents kindly paying.
We've said we wouldn't take him in school time because he's got college but he said he doesn't care but obviously we said that his education comes first.
His dad took him away last year to stay with a family member abroad and takes him to his grandparents to watch football regularly, because he refuses to go anywhere with his dad as doesn't want to be seen out with him (again typical teenager stuff). Partner is going to try and take him away this year (depending on money). Ss hasn't given his dad a birthday card, or present or Xmas guvr in 3 years, doesn't even text or call to wish happy birthday until I remind him to (his mum won't bother telling him to). Last year I forgot to remind him and he didn't call or text the whole day.
He's not a bad kid, usual teenager stuff, lazy, doesn't have many friends as doesn't seem to be interested in doing anything other than going on PlayStation. We've tried to get him to get a job but he can't be bothered and I know his mums got a lot of credit card debt as well as on all sorts of benefits, and barely works and he sees that as something to aspire to.

Not sure really what I'm after here. Just to rant and see what people think about the situation??

OP posts:
MumblesParty · 27/01/2025 09:52

CwmYoy · 27/01/2025 09:43

I cannot understand why people think the entire family should revolve around one child who cannot even be bothered to say happy birthday to his father.

The needs of the whole family matter not just one awkward teenager.

@CwmYoy you’ve said it yourself - the needs of the WHOLE family matter, not just the shiny new cute young family. Decisions should be made based on the whole family. I wonder if OP would consider buying a house in which one of her own special precious kids didn’t have a bedroom….

Digdongdoo · 27/01/2025 09:55

Msl1980s · 27/01/2025 09:13

Thanka for this I really appreciate it. His dad has said he's going to have to make more of an effort and not just expect the nice free bits from us.
My parents and aunt treat him very well on his birthday and Xmas and he's not once said thank you. I do have a stepsister and she moved in with my parents when she was young so I have been very careful to not exclude as but like you say he's just picking and choosing when he wants to be around us.
He will be able to come and stay with us when we move but the room he will be in will be the office so he will have to get up early in the morning for us to work and I'm worried he won't bother looking for a job, as he's not made an effort now to get one. I've said that if he was to come live with us he would need a job first. And he would have to help out with everything in the house.
Purely doing this to help us in the long run so we have a better future and more money so we are all sacrificing things for the move. Partner will be coming back to town we live in when we move and will see his ss then. He won't stop seeing him

Show quote history

You can't sacrifice one child for a "better future" for yourselves and the other DC. He's a young adult now. His dad needs to be there for him now. Absolutely appalling.

Schoolchoicesucks · 27/01/2025 09:59

I understand it has come as a shock him mentioning moving in with you.

But this really should have been something taken into consideration when you and DH were first talking about moving to this 2.5 room flat an hour away.

Oh that will make seeing SS more difficult. And would be cramped for him to stay over. How can we make this work for us. Maybe we need to have a discussion with SS and his mum, figure out what his plans are for when he finishes college. Maybe we need to reconsider moving an hour away from him before he is an independent adult. Maybe we need to treat him as a full member of the family.

Teenagers are ungrateful. They just are. They don't see all the things you do for them at the time. But that doesn't let you off the hook for continuing to do them.

The meal sounds like unfortunate crossed wires. I hope he doesn't feel rejected from that. It isn't surprising that he wants to "join in" with things that sound fun to him and is non-commital when there are no plans.

The holiday - as a one-off I think is ok as long as he understands it is for the younger kids with their cousins and the timing isn't chosen by you and wouldn't work for him.

But as a pattern of him always being the one missing out, being an after thought, not treated as a full family member it is going to seem as though he's unwanted, a hanger on, a lesser member of the family.

His dad is the one who should be taking this all on of course rather than the OP alone.

Do reconsider moving though please. For a 16 year old a promise that in 6 or 7 years time it will be worth it because you will have a big enough house then for him to stay is an empty promise. By then how much relationship will be left?

mugglewump · 27/01/2025 10:01

Poor kid. Really doesn't know where he belongs and is reacting to feeling he is being pushed out. His dad is still his dad and has parental responsibility towards him. Make him feel included and wanted.

Nellyelephanty · 27/01/2025 10:10

Feel horrendously sad for SS. How to make a child feel so unwanted and be so unaware is incredible

Imbusytodaysorry · 27/01/2025 10:11

@Msl1980s i read a 1/4 of that .
he is a teenager what do you want from him? Babysitting ? A cleaning fairy?

You don’t get with a man with kids and then try to leave the kids behind . You married the man his children are yours too when it comes to responsibility. .

If you love your dh why would you treat a child he loves differently and not help your dh do his best by his child.

Oh and whose family business are you supporting ?

Nothatgingerpirate · 27/01/2025 10:16

Failure of the father, as in most situations.

BitOutOfPractice · 27/01/2025 10:17

Id shut up now if I were you op. You sounded awful in your first post and it’s gone downhill from there.

jolies1 · 27/01/2025 10:18

mnisawasteoftime · 27/01/2025 05:02

I understand perfectly. Parental responsibility legally ends at 18. That's what I'm dealing with. Not morals. An 18yr old can't just decide he wants to live with other adults (even if they do happen to be his parent) at their expense when he's finished college, just because it suits him to. That's reality. It also takes the piss to not bother with people (family or otherwise) unless there's something in it for him. It's good manners to treat people with respect and make an effort with relationships, I you want to maintain relationships with those people. At 16 he's old enough to start learning appropriate adult behaviour.

Part of being a good parent is preparing teenagers to be adults. I don't believe children should be babied until they're 25 like some people do. He's currently old enough to marry with parents permission. Next year he'll be allowed to drive. The year after that he'll be able to do whatever he wants with his life regardless of his parents wishes. So he's old enough now to have adult conversations, stop behaving like a pre-teen and start behaving more like the adult he will soon be.

Show quote history

I left home at 18, I know it’s possible to manage as an adult at that point, but you still need a safety net. If you don’t have that then to be frank you’ve got pretty shitty parents.

At 18, would you honestly leave him fending for himself, with nowhere to come “home” to for Christmas, for an overnight stay at a weekend to spend time with his dad and his 1/2 siblings. Nowhere to come home for a few nights and lick his wounds if he gets dumped or loses his job?

Legally at 18 he can live without his parents. Morally if you have kids your responsibility to support them through their journey into adulthood does not stop at 18, and it definitely should not stop because your dad has two new kids with his shiny new wife. I’m sure OP’s kids will still have a bed at home when they are 18 and want to come home from uni for the holidays or visit for a birthday.

AnonymousBleep · 27/01/2025 10:23

He's behaving like a completely normal teenage boy. That's what they do - pick and choosen the bits of family life they want to opt into. Nothing weird. I suppose it's just less easy to tolerate when it's not actually your own kid.

I know it's probably a bit annoying but you can't push him away because of completely normal teen behaviour, even though that would be more convenient for you. Moving to a flat where he doesn't have a bedroom is going to make him feel pushed out of your life. Depends what you want - it might well damage his relationship with his dad. Lots of dads don't seem arsed about that! But if your OH is arsed, then downsizing to a smaller flat probably isn't the right thing to do.

AnonymousBleep · 27/01/2025 10:25

jolies1 · 27/01/2025 10:18

I left home at 18, I know it’s possible to manage as an adult at that point, but you still need a safety net. If you don’t have that then to be frank you’ve got pretty shitty parents.

At 18, would you honestly leave him fending for himself, with nowhere to come “home” to for Christmas, for an overnight stay at a weekend to spend time with his dad and his 1/2 siblings. Nowhere to come home for a few nights and lick his wounds if he gets dumped or loses his job?

Legally at 18 he can live without his parents. Morally if you have kids your responsibility to support them through their journey into adulthood does not stop at 18, and it definitely should not stop because your dad has two new kids with his shiny new wife. I’m sure OP’s kids will still have a bed at home when they are 18 and want to come home from uni for the holidays or visit for a birthday.

Show quote history

I was booted out at 18 and it irrevocably damaged my relationship with my parents (mother and stepdad - there's always a stepparent in these situations). 18 might technically be an adult but if you're suddenly on your own dealing with rent and bills etc, while still in full-time education but also working, it's a hell of a lot to cope with.

BlackStrayCat · 27/01/2025 10:36

On the continent it is 24 years old. You have to legally provide housing/food etc until then.

You do not boot children out. Especially these days in this economic environment.

Original poster
Msl1980s · 27/01/2025 10:37

OK trying to make this clearer but I think people will still think me and my other half are bad parents.

  1. We are trying to get ss a part time job around college.
  2. I have no issue with people on benefits what I'm explaining is it's hard for as to be motivated as he's even said that his mum has more money than us despite her working less and being on benefits whilst we work full time.
  3. Ss said he wants to move in with us when he's 18. Not now as he's got to go to college where we live now. He has space to stay in the new flat but we have said space is minimal for us all and it will mean he will have to be up at 8am every day including weekends because that room is also the office for me and dh. We will both be working 2 jobs each to save money for a better future for all of us. There is no where else to have office space and no room in any of the bedrooms for tvs or playstations.when we move, his dad will be driving to pick him up and bring back as he does now. And his dad will be staying in the town we are currently in once a week so will see him then.
  4. Dh picks him up, takes him to where he wants to go when as calls him to, takes him to the gym and picks him late at night from friends he does have as his mum doesn't drive. He's always available for then he needs to be.
  5. Ss just doesn't want to stay at ours and has made it clear it's because he find the kids loud and he doesn't like my sisters kids as they are loud. They are around a lot as we help with babysitting whilst they work as they work odd timings.
  6. Dh making arrangements to take ss away on his own to see a family friend in Spain in the summer but we said we can't take him out of college.
  7. We bought a new car especially to accommodate ss as we were at the time doing trips out at the weekend and space was getting tight in the old car. But since we bought the new car he's been in it once and that's whne picking him up to take him home from the gym.
  8. Asked ss 2 months ago to come and stay with us this weekend as said there might be a family event going on. He said no. We said it might mean going out for dinner. He still said no as said there would be too many kids there. So we switched cars so my sister could use the bigger car. Now ss changed his mind last minute as he's found out we are going out for dinner to what he thinks is a swanky restaurant. It's not but as it's in London he now wants to go.
  9. We have offered for him to come to my parents house at the weekend as we are staying there a lot to learn the new business. Each time he asks if we will be going out for dinner or lunch and we've said probably not. and said he can see his new room, but he's said no every time. This would mean 4 of us in one room to accommodate him having his own room if he came with us.
Anyway I guess it doesn't matter what I say. I've told my dh that teenagers are hard work and I didn't want to hang around my parents when I was younger and all we can keep doing is offering to do stuff with him but if he says no then changes his mind last minute and we've made plans then his difficult to change things.
OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 27/01/2025 10:41

CwmYoy · 27/01/2025 09:43

I cannot understand why people think the entire family should revolve around one child who cannot even be bothered to say happy birthday to his father.

The needs of the whole family matter not just one awkward teenager.

Revolve?!?
I would have thought having a space to stay at your parents house which allows you to go to school kinda bare minimum from a parent. Your comments are out of kilter with everyone else @CwmYoy because they are both abhorrent and batshit.

LadyLucyWells · 27/01/2025 10:44

Simonjt · 26/01/2025 23:59

Why does his dad think its in anyway acceptable to move and not provide a home for one of his children?

My thought exactly.

Shallysally · 27/01/2025 10:46

Your ss is no different to lots of teens. Of course he is driven by meals out and holidays! Also, he may actually like the times when he is with you all as a family. He will naturally want those times.

He finds the younger children irritating, again, that’s perfectly normal.

Please don’t underestimate the impact on him if you move away with no provision for him to come live with you all.

He is 16, still a child. Who is advocating for him? His Dad needs to be able to offer him a home. It’s likely that ss will feel very rejected if this does not happen.

Honestly, if this were me, I’d be speaking with his Dad about your plans and discuss changing them. Saving money is one thing, your ss’s feelings are quite another and should always be priority.

mantaraya · 27/01/2025 10:47

OP you keep trying to make him sound difficult when he's clearly had a crap childhood. Teenage parents who didn't know what they were doing, mum can't get her shit together, dad gets a shiny new family, step mum who would rather he just bugger off and leave them alone. What a lark he's having. No wonder he's only interested in the holidays and nice meals out.

Imbusytodaysorry · 27/01/2025 10:47

Msl1980s · 27/01/2025 10:37

OK trying to make this clearer but I think people will still think me and my other half are bad parents.

  1. We are trying to get ss a part time job around college.
  2. I have no issue with people on benefits what I'm explaining is it's hard for as to be motivated as he's even said that his mum has more money than us despite her working less and being on benefits whilst we work full time.
  3. Ss said he wants to move in with us when he's 18. Not now as he's got to go to college where we live now. He has space to stay in the new flat but we have said space is minimal for us all and it will mean he will have to be up at 8am every day including weekends because that room is also the office for me and dh. We will both be working 2 jobs each to save money for a better future for all of us. There is no where else to have office space and no room in any of the bedrooms for tvs or playstations.when we move, his dad will be driving to pick him up and bring back as he does now. And his dad will be staying in the town we are currently in once a week so will see him then.
  4. Dh picks him up, takes him to where he wants to go when as calls him to, takes him to the gym and picks him late at night from friends he does have as his mum doesn't drive. He's always available for then he needs to be.
  5. Ss just doesn't want to stay at ours and has made it clear it's because he find the kids loud and he doesn't like my sisters kids as they are loud. They are around a lot as we help with babysitting whilst they work as they work odd timings.
  6. Dh making arrangements to take ss away on his own to see a family friend in Spain in the summer but we said we can't take him out of college.
  7. We bought a new car especially to accommodate ss as we were at the time doing trips out at the weekend and space was getting tight in the old car. But since we bought the new car he's been in it once and that's whne picking him up to take him home from the gym.
  8. Asked ss 2 months ago to come and stay with us this weekend as said there might be a family event going on. He said no. We said it might mean going out for dinner. He still said no as said there would be too many kids there. So we switched cars so my sister could use the bigger car. Now ss changed his mind last minute as he's found out we are going out for dinner to what he thinks is a swanky restaurant. It's not but as it's in London he now wants to go.
  9. We have offered for him to come to my parents house at the weekend as we are staying there a lot to learn the new business. Each time he asks if we will be going out for dinner or lunch and we've said probably not. and said he can see his new room, but he's said no every time. This would mean 4 of us in one room to accommodate him having his own room if he came with us.
Anyway I guess it doesn't matter what I say. I've told my dh that teenagers are hard work and I didn't want to hang around my parents when I was younger and all we can keep doing is offering to do stuff with him but if he says no then changes his mind last minute and we've made plans then his difficult to change things.

That’s still being a teenager . What is he actulay doing worng ?
Sorry op as didn’t need a bigger Cara you and dh did as you have two other children . The other car managed one child no problem. .

Also a so suspected it’s your family business . It’s your sister and kids .

Says it all really

Digdongdoo · 27/01/2025 10:51

Msl1980s · 27/01/2025 10:37

OK trying to make this clearer but I think people will still think me and my other half are bad parents.

  1. We are trying to get ss a part time job around college.
  2. I have no issue with people on benefits what I'm explaining is it's hard for as to be motivated as he's even said that his mum has more money than us despite her working less and being on benefits whilst we work full time.
  3. Ss said he wants to move in with us when he's 18. Not now as he's got to go to college where we live now. He has space to stay in the new flat but we have said space is minimal for us all and it will mean he will have to be up at 8am every day including weekends because that room is also the office for me and dh. We will both be working 2 jobs each to save money for a better future for all of us. There is no where else to have office space and no room in any of the bedrooms for tvs or playstations.when we move, his dad will be driving to pick him up and bring back as he does now. And his dad will be staying in the town we are currently in once a week so will see him then.
  4. Dh picks him up, takes him to where he wants to go when as calls him to, takes him to the gym and picks him late at night from friends he does have as his mum doesn't drive. He's always available for then he needs to be.
  5. Ss just doesn't want to stay at ours and has made it clear it's because he find the kids loud and he doesn't like my sisters kids as they are loud. They are around a lot as we help with babysitting whilst they work as they work odd timings.
  6. Dh making arrangements to take ss away on his own to see a family friend in Spain in the summer but we said we can't take him out of college.
  7. We bought a new car especially to accommodate ss as we were at the time doing trips out at the weekend and space was getting tight in the old car. But since we bought the new car he's been in it once and that's whne picking him up to take him home from the gym.
  8. Asked ss 2 months ago to come and stay with us this weekend as said there might be a family event going on. He said no. We said it might mean going out for dinner. He still said no as said there would be too many kids there. So we switched cars so my sister could use the bigger car. Now ss changed his mind last minute as he's found out we are going out for dinner to what he thinks is a swanky restaurant. It's not but as it's in London he now wants to go.
  9. We have offered for him to come to my parents house at the weekend as we are staying there a lot to learn the new business. Each time he asks if we will be going out for dinner or lunch and we've said probably not. and said he can see his new room, but he's said no every time. This would mean 4 of us in one room to accommodate him having his own room if he came with us.
Anyway I guess it doesn't matter what I say. I've told my dh that teenagers are hard work and I didn't want to hang around my parents when I was younger and all we can keep doing is offering to do stuff with him but if he says no then changes his mind last minute and we've made plans then his difficult to change things.

Does DH pick him up and take him places all the time, or has he only been in the new car once? It can't be both.

Original poster
Msl1980s · 27/01/2025 10:52

Imbusytodaysorry · 27/01/2025 10:47

That’s still being a teenager . What is he actulay doing worng ?
Sorry op as didn’t need a bigger Cara you and dh did as you have two other children . The other car managed one child no problem. .

Also a so suspected it’s your family business . It’s your sister and kids .

Says it all really

Show quote history

We got a bigger car to fit ss in as the one before it was not comfortable for ds to sit in between both kids with their car seats.
As I said there is space for ss at the new place but it's going to be tight for us all. And we are helping run this family business so in the future all 3 kids will benefit from it and we can help them buy their first houses. That's all 3 of then equally as we always said we would help then equally when it comes to finances in the future.

OP posts:
Hecatoncheires · 27/01/2025 10:53

mantaraya · 27/01/2025 10:47

OP you keep trying to make him sound difficult when he's clearly had a crap childhood. Teenage parents who didn't know what they were doing, mum can't get her shit together, dad gets a shiny new family, step mum who would rather he just bugger off and leave them alone. What a lark he's having. No wonder he's only interested in the holidays and nice meals out.

Yup, this in spades. Poor kid. OP, as others have said, teenagers can be hard work. Your sweet young children now will be teenagers and if you wouldn't do to them what you are doing to your SS then you need to have a serious think about it. I understand that you are trying to do your best for the family as a whole, but that whole includes your stepson. I have a 16-year old DD. She's the light of my life, a really great kid who tries hard at school and is generally respectful and kind, and I bend over backwards for her. She still thinks I'm annoying and embarrassing and puts herself first. She's still maturing. As is your stepson. I hope things work out for you.

Worldinyourhands · 27/01/2025 10:54

So even your sister's kids get priority over your husband's own child? I don't blame him for not wanting to stay where there are loud kids he's not even related to. Your husband is an absolute bastard for even considering staying somewhere without a room for his son. Disgusting.

Also - you've said in this post that he hasn't stayed in his room at yours for about a year and also that he stayed 4 nights at Christmas (which was 3 weeks ago) so which story is true?

I'm really sad for the poor boy.

Choccyscofffy · 27/01/2025 10:55

Worldinyourhands · 27/01/2025 10:54

So even your sister's kids get priority over your husband's own child? I don't blame him for not wanting to stay where there are loud kids he's not even related to. Your husband is an absolute bastard for even considering staying somewhere without a room for his son. Disgusting.

Also - you've said in this post that he hasn't stayed in his room at yours for about a year and also that he stayed 4 nights at Christmas (which was 3 weeks ago) so which story is true?

I'm really sad for the poor boy.

That’s what I was thinking.

I even question is DSS’s room is even his own as it sounds like he doesn’t have a space of his own where there aren’t lots of loud kids.

BlackStrayCat · 27/01/2025 10:58

I do not think anyone is married to anyone in this delightful set-up. But I could be wrong.

OP is certainly looking after herself though.

Shallysally · 27/01/2025 11:00

Msl1980s · 27/01/2025 10:52

We got a bigger car to fit ss in as the one before it was not comfortable for ds to sit in between both kids with their car seats.
As I said there is space for ss at the new place but it's going to be tight for us all. And we are helping run this family business so in the future all 3 kids will benefit from it and we can help them buy their first houses. That's all 3 of then equally as we always said we would help then equally when it comes to finances in the future.

Show quote history

Businesses are not guaranteed to be successful. You and your partner are placing future financial success over the needs of your ss.

At this point in his life, it’s likely he won’t care about buying a property years down the line.

He is telling you his wishes and seems as though you are doing everything to discount them.

Please don’t try and justify by saying there will be room at the new flat. He won’t have his own bedroom. That’s a basic need for a teen and he will not have this.

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