What to do when step son suddenly wants to live with us?

[Msl1980s]

Tried to make this shorter but it's difficult to do as feel I need to explain the back story!
I've been with my partner for almost 10 years.
Met him when his son was 9 and I got along very well with him then. He's now 16. His mum was a pain in the backside when ss was younger, using him and turning him against my partner a lot but as ss got older and he's wiser up to his mum that's all been sorted. Partner and ex don't really speak to each other as no need now as is a teenager.
We have two young children between us 4 yrs and 20 months. The 20 month old is a bit of a handful, tried everything to sort it and he's slowly getting better, but he can have a proper tantrum at times which results in a lot of screaming and we just have to wait for him to calm down. Nothing wrong with him just trypical toddler behaviour .
Ss has never made an effort with the kids and I said that's fine, there's a huge age gap so understandable but he wouldn't even sit in the same room as them if they were eating as found it "disgusting" . He's stopped coming over so much because he finds our son "annoying", and he also says he has better Internet at his place. We also make him help tidy up at ours, nothing major as he's barely here long enough but do the dishwasher etc.
His mum used to get annoyed when he didn't come here much as she had a boyfriend and wanted the house to herself however she's now single and seems happy with ss being there more. She's always molly coddled him, has never taught him to be independent, does a the cleaning, washing etc. She also has a 5 year old daughtwr who lives with them and sees her dad every weekend (they don't get on at all but that's a diff story).
He started at college this year but isn't enjoying it and changed courses already, although I totally get it, what 16 year old knows what they want to do!?
We are going to be moving an hour away this year and downsizing to a 2 and half bedroom flat in order to save money and help with a family business.
Ss has now said he will prob come live with us after college..... We've asked where that has come from because we've talked loads about moving and he's never been remotely interested. We will be a in a tiny village with nothing to do. There will be no room for him apart from to stay the odd night as the half bedroom is an office, which will be used daily but with no space for anything else like wardrobes and def no TV or PlayStation space.
He's also never interested in coming over unless it's someone's birthday and he knows we will be going out for dinner (he won't eat anything healthy).
EG this weekend, asked him ages if he will be around this weekend as likely will be doing something but didn't know what and he said no.
Now mentioned we are going out for dinner with my side of family (that we only see once a year) which has been booked for months and he' said "OK I'll come". We've said its too late now as it was a squeeze getting us in to the restaurant, and have no way of getting there now as using a smaller car but it's clearly because we've mentioned we are going for dinner.

We mentioned 2 years ago that we would probably be going away in the school term time as cheaper and he was fine with that but last year did a big very expensive holiday with whole family which he came to.
This year have booked a holiday with our family and sister and their kids (who ss has said he doesn't like as too noisy) in the school time and he's said we should have asked him. Just fyi we didn't pay for it as have no money as are saving so parents kindly paying.
We've said we wouldn't take him in school time because he's got college but he said he doesn't care but obviously we said that his education comes first.
His dad took him away last year to stay with a family member abroad and takes him to his grandparents to watch football regularly, because he refuses to go anywhere with his dad as doesn't want to be seen out with him (again typical teenager stuff). Partner is going to try and take him away this year (depending on money). Ss hasn't given his dad a birthday card, or present or Xmas guvr in 3 years, doesn't even text or call to wish happy birthday until I remind him to (his mum won't bother telling him to). Last year I forgot to remind him and he didn't call or text the whole day.
He's not a bad kid, usual teenager stuff, lazy, doesn't have many friends as doesn't seem to be interested in doing anything other than going on PlayStation. We've tried to get him to get a job but he can't be bothered and I know his mums got a lot of credit card debt as well as on all sorts of benefits, and barely works and he sees that as something to aspire to.

Not sure really what I'm after here. Just to rant and see what people think about the situation??

Just realised he’s 16, not 19. Wow, I’m actually quite shocked at this post.

This is horrible. I hope some of the money you're saving can be held back for therapy for this boy.

You can't hold 16 year old boys responsible for not enjoying toddlers, the only people who enjoy toddlers are their parents. What on earth possessed you to have children with a man who is evidently a shit parent? When you and him split up, he will do the same to your children.

Not only does your husband have a legal responsibility to maintain and house his son, but you have a moral responsibility to help launch your young people into the world. This includes things like, not washing your hands of them the second they turn 18/ verbalising your plans to do so to a 16 year old.

You're both disgusting and I actually think he sounds like he's turned alright given the complete lack of appropriate parenting.

Poor child.

It's mostly everyone on the thread who wants to baby him and society in general has this attitude towards young adults. No I don't have issues with "kids these days". I'm advising OP on what to do about her stepson like she's asked in the title and I don't advise babying him, what with him almost being an adult.

As someone who had to live with my dad, step mum and half brother on and off after I turned 18 (uni holidays and post grad), you need to make sure he has a room at your home and make him welcome. If he were your own son you wouldn’t hold him up to these standards (doesn’t get a birthday card?!) so it’s a case of suck it up and make him feel like one of the family, because he is.

He should have a bedroom in your house realistically. Parents need to uplift their expectations of him.

Sorry posted very late and def didn't mean it to come across as we don't want him.. His dad makes every effort to see him but he never wants to. Hence partner takes him to his grand parents to watch football together and they go out for lunch together on occasion as well just them two. We have to move as family member can no longer look after their business so the move is already sorted. We aren't buying a house it's us moving into a famiky members flat.
Ss can come stay on occasion and if he wanted to actually love with us he could but he woulsnt have the space to have. A lot of his personal items (nor do we, we are all going to have to put stuff onto storage).
But we need to do it to save money and end up buying a bigger place in about 7 years time.
The schools are much better there than where we are now so it's good for thr two kids.
We don't ignore him, we aren't rude and we both love him but he doesn't want to do stuff with us or his dad. And I did tell his dad that's normal as he's a teenager.
DH is trying to arrange to take him on holiday in the summer holidays to Spain where his family member is.
His dad gets upset that he doesn't want to see him or come over here but he tries to do stuff with him but he's not interested.
We've actually bought a bigger car so that as fits in it but he's never bend in it and this weekend when going to lunch we are lending it to my sister because she's going away and we knew we didn't need the bigger car. Which means having to use her much smaller car where as won't be able to fit in it.
This was planned weeks ago when as said he didn't want to see us this weekend we are happy for ss to come love with us when we have s a bigger place, but it's going to take a few years of struggling in a smaller place before we have the proper room for all of us

Your partner is a poor substitute for a dad and you’re not much better.

The poor boy doesn’t seem to have anyone who gives a crap about him. Little wonder he has low self esteem, no confidence to find a job, engage with college, make a sleep friends. The adults in his life are failing him.

Shameful.

As someone with an SS13 your SS sounds like a typical teenager! My SS would game all day and eat junk til it came out of his ears if he had the choice. They can also not see anything outside of themselves, he doesn’t do cards or texts on birthday either 🤷🏻‍♀️.

At the moment he is in the period where he has so much anxiety it’s awful for him and his mum has just left her husband (all he has ever known form the age of 2 is having 2 homes with his mum and stepdad in one and his father and I in the other so had a rather settled upbringing) and further displaced him by moving in with her mother and having a new boyfriend appear right off the bat…. He has 2 younger siblings with mum, none at ours. Husband and his ex have just had major issues getting him back to school due to his anxiety, but, for once, she has been forced to ask for help which has done their relationship surrounding parenting SS good. But truth is that, in all honesty, he isn’t in a great place.

what would happen if he asked to come here??? We’d take him in in a heartbeat.

I am sorry, but as a step parent I will never understand this attitude of not including these children in plans. I know he’s been a bit feckless but all teenagers are and nothing you describe is beyond the norm! These kids say and do all the things you describe because they feel pushed out and hurt. Give him some love, that’s what this child needs right now. In fact it sounds like that’s what he is pushing for in their normal crazy way of pushing the boundaries to see if you love them enough to cut past the BS and continue to reach out to them so thy know you can be considered a safe space!

I'm a bit surprised that so many people think you should change all your life plans in order to house an 18 year old when he leaves college, especially since he's shown so little interest in spending time with you over the years, unless there's a free meal in it for him.

As an aside you can’t get married at 16 anymore in England @mnisawasteoftime

Lol at calling my other half a shit parent. He's not. He's amazing. He had his ss when he was 19 and ex was 17 and they had no idea what they were doing. I've had to teach dh how to be a better dad but ss mum was a nightmare although like I said she calmed down now.
Ss is a good kid and we don't expect him to love being around toddlers but it's also very difficult as we try to get him roubd a lot but he's not interested. He's only interested if we are going it for dinner.
And he's got a huge bedroom at our current house which he made homely and then he's not stayed in it for about a year now.. He says it's just because his Internet is better and easier to get to college from his mums

Lots of harsh replies here for the op. Some I agree with, some I don't.

I'm curious given he doesn't like to eat a family meal at home with you and thinks your current internet is rubbish compared to at home, why he is suddenly planning to move in with you all after college??

His mum will be in receipt of no benefits or child maintenance for him after this date. Has she told him she will have to downsize, or he will have to work and contribute financially perhaps?

I'm curious why the sudden plan to move in with you all after college when he seems to not like staying generally.

I'd be asking him more questions.

It sounds like he feels on shaky ground with both parents and insecure. It's a big daunting age/stage isn't it. On the cusp of adulthood.

I think open dialogue with you and dh and him as a family, ask him lots of questions, and also explain what life would look like for him after college. What are his plans for study or work? Does he understand about pitching in as a team wherever he lives eg household chores etc.

Poor you OP. These step kids are so annoying aren’t they. They won’t fit in with your life in a way you want them to, and then some of them have the cheek to actually expect their non-resident parent to provide space for them. If only he would just disappear off the face of the earth, so your perfect little family could continue as you want, with your small house and term-time holidays.

Totally agree with this

This.

OP try imagining a decade from now, and a scenario in which your DH has left and has a baby and a toddler with another partner. Would you feel happy with him moving over an hour away to a small place that doesn’t have room for your kids?

I would seriously rethink the move. Your SS is still young. Why does what is best for the other children outweigh what is best for him. You are acting like your kids are your husbands main family and he is an add on. He doesn’t get to see his dad that often and now he is being treated like an unwelcome guest. Surely you can see how wrong this is.

Your DH thinks it’s acceptable to move to a home that from all accounts has no space for one of his children.
Basic housing and food is the bare minimum expected from a parent so yeah if it can’t/ won’t provide that then he is a shit parent.

”house an 18 year old”

You make it sound like it’s a random from the next town.

You don’t think you should take your own children into account when you make “life plans”? Strange.

Partner and ex don't really speak to each other as no need now as is a teenager.

I don't think this is ideal. Everyone involved, including DSS, should be communicating with each other to hammer out some sort of solution to this dilemma.

This. Poor kid.

It's clear you don't like him and don't want to include him.

As so often my heart goes out to this poor boy, who doesn’t fit in with either of his parents’ new families, whose stepmother at least sees him as an inconvenience at best, and who imposes adult expectations on him to mask her dislike.

How selfish are you both. To move and not provide him with a home. You need to rethink your decisions.

OP, people have been horrible to you on this thread.
Yes, your SS is "a child", however his behaviour is pretty poor. He has clearly not been interested on being part of the family - I have children of similar age and they are expected to be respectful and kind to their siblings, to be involved to some extent as well and to be doing their chores (e.g. cleaning their rooms and tidying up). These are normal expectations of a teen.
He's also very obviously choosing to come when there's "something in it" for him, such as fancy restaurant food, that would annoy me too. And the way he treats his dad only "allowing" him around for football TV at grandparents house - very hurtful.
Yes, a 16 year old is a child but he is also developing into an adult and needs to learn to treat people better.
As to the living situation, if he has chosen to live with his mum and not stay at your house at all, then I don't see a problem that you and your partner made plans to downsize.

Most teens are not interested in anything but themselves- it's a brain wiring issue - so it's not poor behaviour, just normal