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Step-parenting

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Original poster

What to do when step son suddenly wants to live with us?

246 replies

Msl1980s · 26/01/2025 23:54

Tried to make this shorter but it's difficult to do as feel I need to explain the back story!
I've been with my partner for almost 10 years.
Met him when his son was 9 and I got along very well with him then. He's now 16. His mum was a pain in the backside when ss was younger, using him and turning him against my partner a lot but as ss got older and he's wiser up to his mum that's all been sorted. Partner and ex don't really speak to each other as no need now as is a teenager.
We have two young children between us 4 yrs and 20 months. The 20 month old is a bit of a handful, tried everything to sort it and he's slowly getting better, but he can have a proper tantrum at times which results in a lot of screaming and we just have to wait for him to calm down. Nothing wrong with him just trypical toddler behaviour .
Ss has never made an effort with the kids and I said that's fine, there's a huge age gap so understandable but he wouldn't even sit in the same room as them if they were eating as found it "disgusting" . He's stopped coming over so much because he finds our son "annoying", and he also says he has better Internet at his place. We also make him help tidy up at ours, nothing major as he's barely here long enough but do the dishwasher etc.
His mum used to get annoyed when he didn't come here much as she had a boyfriend and wanted the house to herself however she's now single and seems happy with ss being there more. She's always molly coddled him, has never taught him to be independent, does a the cleaning, washing etc. She also has a 5 year old daughtwr who lives with them and sees her dad every weekend (they don't get on at all but that's a diff story).
He started at college this year but isn't enjoying it and changed courses already, although I totally get it, what 16 year old knows what they want to do!?
We are going to be moving an hour away this year and downsizing to a 2 and half bedroom flat in order to save money and help with a family business.
Ss has now said he will prob come live with us after college..... We've asked where that has come from because we've talked loads about moving and he's never been remotely interested. We will be a in a tiny village with nothing to do. There will be no room for him apart from to stay the odd night as the half bedroom is an office, which will be used daily but with no space for anything else like wardrobes and def no TV or PlayStation space.
He's also never interested in coming over unless it's someone's birthday and he knows we will be going out for dinner (he won't eat anything healthy).
EG this weekend, asked him ages if he will be around this weekend as likely will be doing something but didn't know what and he said no.
Now mentioned we are going out for dinner with my side of family (that we only see once a year) which has been booked for months and he' said "OK I'll come". We've said its too late now as it was a squeeze getting us in to the restaurant, and have no way of getting there now as using a smaller car but it's clearly because we've mentioned we are going for dinner.

We mentioned 2 years ago that we would probably be going away in the school term time as cheaper and he was fine with that but last year did a big very expensive holiday with whole family which he came to.
This year have booked a holiday with our family and sister and their kids (who ss has said he doesn't like as too noisy) in the school time and he's said we should have asked him. Just fyi we didn't pay for it as have no money as are saving so parents kindly paying.
We've said we wouldn't take him in school time because he's got college but he said he doesn't care but obviously we said that his education comes first.
His dad took him away last year to stay with a family member abroad and takes him to his grandparents to watch football regularly, because he refuses to go anywhere with his dad as doesn't want to be seen out with him (again typical teenager stuff). Partner is going to try and take him away this year (depending on money). Ss hasn't given his dad a birthday card, or present or Xmas guvr in 3 years, doesn't even text or call to wish happy birthday until I remind him to (his mum won't bother telling him to). Last year I forgot to remind him and he didn't call or text the whole day.
He's not a bad kid, usual teenager stuff, lazy, doesn't have many friends as doesn't seem to be interested in doing anything other than going on PlayStation. We've tried to get him to get a job but he can't be bothered and I know his mums got a lot of credit card debt as well as on all sorts of benefits, and barely works and he sees that as something to aspire to.

Not sure really what I'm after here. Just to rant and see what people think about the situation??

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 27/01/2025 09:09

And we wouldn't never take our own kids out of college or school for a holiday not when they are doing A levels or GCSEs so we can't take ss out for a holiday then either

Our own kids!!!! Wtaf. He IS your partners own kid.
Indeed. So. When you have kids in education, which you have, you don't book holidays during term time.

Original poster
Msl1980s · 27/01/2025 09:13

mnisawasteoftime · 27/01/2025 04:36

In a 2 1/2 bedroom home where the 1/2 bedroom is to be an office, OPs 2 DC will already be sharing a bedroom. There will literally be no space (except a sofa?) for stepson.

I think you're getting a hard time OP. The boy has basically moved full time to his mother's home and shows almost no interest in his father. I'm not surprised DH didn't foresee him living with you. I don't agree with all the just-in-case stuff. If stepson's mother died DH could worry about how to house him then, he could be on the sofa temporarily until something more suitable was sorted out. In reality his mother isn't terminally ill so unlikely to die in the next two years.

Stepson's mother's benefits will reduce when he's 18. Is she planning on kicking him out, or asking him to pay rent, then and that's what has got him thinking he'd rather live with you (where he possibly presumes he'll continue to pay nothing)?

As others have said, if DH can't afford to house him as an adult either then a conversation needs to be had with stepson about his future plans. If a larger house is needed maybe he's going to have to pay towards the expenses of that. Once he realises he can get a house/flat share for not much more per month, and that it'll come with a whole heap more freedom then living with a parent does, he might prefer that option. So you'd have bought a bigger house for nothing and be left with all the costs yourselves.

The holiday without him I'd have told him it wasn't a your-nuclear-family type holiday like usual. It was a gift by your parents for their children and grandchildren. So you and your sister, plus your DC and their cousins. The spouses coming along was just because they can share a room with their partners, so no extra expense. I think if you'd worded it like that he'd have seen that not inviting him was no different to your parents not inviting his half sister who lives with his mum, neither of them are your parents grandchildren.

Stepson seems to be picking and choosing which bits of blended family life he wants. That's unrealistic and confusing for everyone else. I think it could be a useful lesson for him (if you sit down with him and talk about it) that if he wants to be part of a family he needs to, well, be part of it. Not pick and choose the most fun parts and opt out of anything he sees as drudgery.

At the moment that's the message both his parents have given him. He's at risk of growing up to become a partner who does the same thing he's doing now and opts out of family life when it's too boring, leaving majority of the grunt work to his partner.

If he wants "in" to your family, he needs to get on board with being part of birthday celebrations always, or at least be concrete on his availability and not leaving it to last minute to decide. That is him treating the birthday event as an option if he's got nothing better to do. It's rude to the birthday person.

He should be doing house chores, earning his own spending money with a part time job, eating meals at the table with the rest of the family, going on family days out with you all. And coming over and staying regularly, if he wants to maintain a bedroom in your home. Maybe not 50/50 if that doesn't suit him any more, but EOW or something.

He can't really go about insulting his younger half siblings, ignoring special events unless there's a freebie in it for him, barely visiting, refusing to spend any time with his father out of embarrassment or whatever and then still want to be considered "part of the family".

You haven't pushed him out, he's removed himself for his own teenage reasons. He's old enough now though to start learning you reap what you sow. I wouldn't hold anything against him up to now, he's young, he's learning about life and we all make mistakes. But I'd be having a conversation with him about whether he wants "in" (and will put the effort in with family relationships) or wants "out" (to go into the world as an adult, forge his own life and come back to visit occasionally), because he can't keep on cherry picking the bits he wants like he is currently doing.

Thanka for this I really appreciate it. His dad has said he's going to have to make more of an effort and not just expect the nice free bits from us.
My parents and aunt treat him very well on his birthday and Xmas and he's not once said thank you. I do have a stepsister and she moved in with my parents when she was young so I have been very careful to not exclude as but like you say he's just picking and choosing when he wants to be around us.
He will be able to come and stay with us when we move but the room he will be in will be the office so he will have to get up early in the morning for us to work and I'm worried he won't bother looking for a job, as he's not made an effort now to get one. I've said that if he was to come live with us he would need a job first. And he would have to help out with everything in the house.
Purely doing this to help us in the long run so we have a better future and more money so we are all sacrificing things for the move. Partner will be coming back to town we live in when we move and will see his ss then. He won't stop seeing him

OP posts:
BlackStrayCat · 27/01/2025 09:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Christwosheds · 27/01/2025 09:14

Stormwhatnow · 27/01/2025 06:39

What kind of parent moves away from their 16 year old?
I have a 16 year old and honestly he's never needed me more than he does now, trying to makes lots of big decisions about his future, lots of late night chats etc.
Your DH is a shit dad, and if he's a shit dad to his older kid he'll likely be a shit one to his younger ones eventually too.
In fact you're both awful pushing a child away like that and making it clear he's not welcome in your home, not even to a family dinner. You should both be ashamed of yourselves.

Agree with this.
I have a 17 year old, and another two years older. These last few years my dds have needed a lot of time and support . It is difficult, making choices about your future, being an older teenager, feeling more pressure, facing new, more important life challenges. It’s a really stressful time for young people. He needs a quiet space to work etc, to feel loved and supported and as though he has a safety net.
Even when I was in my thirties, my parents kept my bedroom and told me there was always a room for me there if I ever needed to go back home. I am married now and my parents are both dead, but part of me feels the loss of that backup even now. Until they died there was always that knowledge that I had people who loved me unconditionally and would take me in at any time if my life took a wrong turn.

Completelyjo · 27/01/2025 09:14

CwmYoy · 27/01/2025 08:36

Usual step mother bashers out in force.

SS is an adult not a poor little child. He makes bad choices and is ungrateful for what he's given.

Don't let him live with you he will make you all miserable as he does already when he can.

Tell him no.

A 16 year old is not an adult whatever way you spin it.
What bad choices has been made? Being born to his absent mother and father?

EmmaEmEmz · 27/01/2025 09:15

I'm a step parent to an 18 year old. I have four kids of my own (none with partner).

My partner moved 140 miles to come to live with me but that's after lots of discussion with his son, who was 17 at the time. His son was quite happy for him to move as he was an almost an adult and had his own things going on.

However, when SS wants to come here, both partner and I make sure he is more thsn welcome, going and picking him up (yes, he could get the train, but he didn't ask for his dad to move so why should he have to?) and make sure he is comfortable when he is here. When we plan on going out, whether for a meal or a day out, we always let him know and give him the option of coming with us and including him in everything. He might be an adult (or in your case, almost an adult), but he's still part of OUR family (yes, hes my family as erll!) and didn't ask for his parents to break up and his life to be harder.

You and your husband are being very u reasonable.

Kbroughton · 27/01/2025 09:15

I'm a step mum. I do think step parents get a hard time, and then posts like this come along and you see why! You dont see him as part of your family. You don't make decisions based on him, he is an after thought. You are a very bad example of a 'blended family' in that you are not blended at all. Your husband has not been a good father, and if I was you I would be concerned about that around your children if this is his attitude. As a step parent you do have a responsibility to treat your step child as part of the family. You have to work together for the best for everyone. My step daughter has her own room (obviously) and we work really hard to ensure that she knows that this is just as much her family as my daughter (who lives here fill time). She doesnt come over as much now as she has her own life but there is absolutely no way I would be taking her room away from her! If one of 'your own' children started going out more would you take her room away from her? Of course you wouldn't. I cant believe that has been suggested. Holidays should include everyone, and if you can't afford that, or if one of your children can't go, you don't go. You wouldn't take one of your own children on holiday and not the other one - you know that. The behaviour you are describing is a normal teenager. Of course he only comes if it is a free nights out. That's what teenagers do. They refuse to talk to you about their lives until it is 10pm and they have to go to bed then suddenly they want to talk your ear off. When I was a teen I would go out with my mum and dad for a pizza on a Friday night, but I would make them walk ahead of me so people didn't think I was with them! Teens are knob heads. And your poor step son has a background of being a total after thought. Do what you want to do. But practically everyone on here is saying YABU. So maybe have a good think about that, and the fact that if you and your husband split up, he will treat your children exactly how you are treating this boy now.

YourWildAmberSloth · 27/01/2025 09:16

Msl1980s · 27/01/2025 09:02

Oh sorry I've edited some information so if anyone knows me then they won't know it's me. So ages not quite right.
But god people don't like step mums do they! It's hard to describe exactly what's going on. We've given him all the love and trued to educate him and I get that teenagers don't want to hang out with their parents it's more frustrating that he just wants to come with us if it's a free night out.
And we wouldn't never take our own kids out of college or school for a holiday not when they are doing A levels or GCSEs so we can't take ss out for a holiday then either

Show quote history

I don't dislike step parents, in fact quite the opposite. But moving away and downsizing so that you do not have room for a child is not being a good parent/stepparent and I'm afraid it does say 'we don't want you/you are not a priority'. Also he has 2 parents, his mother is not solely responsible for the negative behaviour just because he lives with her full-time - whether she claims benefits or not, buys new bags or any of the other benefit bashing fodder which is usually trotted out on these threads, has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that parents need to be able to accommodate (physically, emotionally, financially) all of their children. So to answer the question which is the title of your thread, your stepson moves in.

TheignT · 27/01/2025 09:17

Sorry I can't get past meeting your partner ten years ago when his son was 9 and he is now 16. Have I misunderstood something?

ThejoyofNC · 27/01/2025 09:19

The benefits bashing was overkill.

OuterSpaceCadet · 27/01/2025 09:20

I get that it's hard to step parent but he is your eldest child. The older brother to your two youngest. He's already had a far tougher start in life than his siblings due to parental split and what sounds like neither parent fully wanting him. He needs stability, a genuine home with each parent, boundaries and unconditional love.

His comments about the younger children are communication. In his child mind (we don't fully mature until mid 20s and this kid has had a tougher start!) the younger siblings are the cause of his life splitting apart. The wanted children who came along when he was no longer wanted.

It's a shame the move was planned without thinking of the needs of the eldest child, but teenagers can survive with much smaller bedrooms than younger kids. Home office can go in the parents' bedroom. Then focus on ways to reconnect with the eldest son so that he feels he has a place in your family and help him foster a relationship with his younger siblings.

Choccyscofffy · 27/01/2025 09:23

Msl1980s · 27/01/2025 08:53

I don't have time to read all the posts. But I know people read things on here an making us out like we are awful parents but we aren't. I've helped mentor him and teach him about finances when he's been growing up but it's difficult when he sees us working two full time jobs, we own our own house and don't have the money to buy a lot, but his mums working part time, on loads of benefits, in a council rental and buys a new handbag, shoes every week and £300 tracksuits for his bday or Xmas gifts. We are trying to make him independent but his mum is doing the opposite.
He did come live with us for a bit last year but then his mum guilt tripped him when she broke up with her long term boyfriend and he didn't come back after that.
With regards to the job front we've sent a couple of job applications off for him and no one is responding, or if they have he's not told us. He's done a load of applications himself but I don't know know whether he's doing them properly as when he was here at Xmas we had to all help edit one for him as it wasn't done well.
he stayed all Xmas fyi for about 4 nights, we didn't push him away, unfortunately one night our youngest wasn't well and screamed a lot in the night and so ss left the next morning as he wanted to go and lie in bed all day even though we had more family coming over, with presents for him which he didn't wait for. He said since that night he's been put off to stay here although we've told him our youngest won't always be like that.
His friends have all got jobs and we've asked him to ask them to refer him but he says there's no jobs.
The one interview he did have we prepped him, told him how to dress. Said not to wear shorts and Tshirt when he asked if that was OK. He turned up in Tshirt and shorts and flip flops. Didn't get the job!
Anyway can't really get the whole story across here. I'm not a bad parent by any means but it's hard if he only wants one thing us and that's the nice meals out or the free holiday.
As I said his dad will be hopefully taking him away alone as we know he would much prefer that

I'm not a bad parent by any means but it's hard if he only wants one thing us and that's the nice meals out or the free holiday.

You’re still not getting it, OP.

It’s not a ‘free holiday’ when he’s still a child, it’s his right to go away with his family.

It’s his right to come out for family meals.

Why are you pushing him to jobs when he should be focusing on college / apprenticeships ?

Lifestooshort71 · 27/01/2025 09:24

HRTWT but read all op's.
Gosh, looks as though you've been flamed! I'm going to disagree and say that he's too old to expect to move with you (particularly as he finds your little one disgusting and annoying - why would he want to?). When he leaves college he either stays at home or gets a job and house shares. He'll be at least 18 and, as others have said, many are in the armed forces by then. Are you expected to put your business venture and move on hold until this young adult decides to let you? Get a bed settee for the living room and tell him he'll be very welcome to come and stay - perhaps his dad could go over and pick him up or take him out sometimes and give him some 121 time? My grandchild's dad lives 90 mins away (his choice) and he has only ever picked them up one weekend a month for one night and then brought them home. They're 16 now. It's not an unusual arrangement according to classmates Good luck.

JollyZebra · 27/01/2025 09:24

You seem to have forgotten that you married this man knowing there is a step-son. How that child has turned out is not just the result of his mother's care, hls father is responsible for his upbringing, too. You both need to step up and accept that he must be taken into account as a family.member when you are deciding where to live and what to drive.

Lyannaa · 27/01/2025 09:33

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 27/01/2025 05:09

I felt sad reading the bit about the restaurant and how he wanted to go along.

Same

Completelyjo · 27/01/2025 09:33

CwmYoy · 27/01/2025 08:56

16 isn't a child. He could get married or join the army. Time he showed some maturity.

He is an ungrateful brat, though.

Bit of a pointless and wildly incorrect comment.

Firstly you can’t get married until 18 and you can’t join the army without parental consent which suggests 16 definitely isn’t adulthood if you still need your parent’s permission.

NoraLuka · 27/01/2025 09:34

Every update from the OP makes the set up sound worse. The dad has 3 children, and all 3 are equally his children EVEN IF the stepson is being a pain in the arse (not saying he is but even if he was, that’s par for the course with 16 year olds). 16 probably seems grown up if you only have small children but it really isn’t. It’s not even like in the 90s when it was feasible to move out at 16. It doesn’t matter if the stepson doesn’t stay over at his dad’s, he needs to know he could if he wanted to, at least until 18 and possibly after that.

Completelyjo · 27/01/2025 09:35

I wonder which of OP’s family members is being put above her DH’s own child.

rainbowstardrops · 27/01/2025 09:35

OP, you can keep saying how amazing your DH is and how much you've tried to help his son but the bottom line is, this lad's father, is choosing to move an hour away to a flat that isn't large enough for you all, you go on family holidays that doesn't include one member of the family but hey, at least the schools are better for the shiny new children!
And then you slate him for being a perfectly normal teenager!
So no, your DH isn't amazing. Quite the bloody opposite!

rainbowstardrops · 27/01/2025 09:38

Also, take a step back and think how you'd feel if your younger children were treated like this when they're older.
Awful, awful 'parenting'.

CwmYoy · 27/01/2025 09:43

I cannot understand why people think the entire family should revolve around one child who cannot even be bothered to say happy birthday to his father.

The needs of the whole family matter not just one awkward teenager.

poemsandwine · 27/01/2025 09:45

rainbowstardrops · 27/01/2025 09:38

Also, take a step back and think how you'd feel if your younger children were treated like this when they're older.
Awful, awful 'parenting'.

They won't be because those children are "their own children," you see, and he's an amazing father to them...

The cognitive dissonance is strong.

CatsBeCrazy · 27/01/2025 09:46

Sounds like it revolves around the second family not the first kid . You don't just abandon your kid at 16 because he is hard work 🙄 Wow what a fantastic dad , not

Completelyjo · 27/01/2025 09:50

CwmYoy · 27/01/2025 09:43

I cannot understand why people think the entire family should revolve around one child who cannot even be bothered to say happy birthday to his father.

The needs of the whole family matter not just one awkward teenager.

In what way does the expectation that you house your own child at 16 years of age making the whole family revolve around one child?
Your logic is absolutely nuts.
Providing a home for your child should be the bare minimum. Housing all your children isn’t putting any one persons needs first.

What is actually happening is OP is prioritising another unnamed family member as they are selling their home to prop up said family members failing business, at the expense of her DH providing a home for one of his children. Sounds like the whole family’s needs are actually revolving around this family member, at great expense.

I wonder how the OP would feel if her DH told her there wasn’t space in the new home for one of her ‘real’ children.

MumblesParty · 27/01/2025 09:50

rainbowstardrops · 27/01/2025 09:38

Also, take a step back and think how you'd feel if your younger children were treated like this when they're older.
Awful, awful 'parenting'.

Exactly.

My Dad left when my brother and I were pre-schoolers. He married again and had a child a few years later. My step-mum a lovely woman, really kind and caring, and it appeared that my Dad was a better father to my half brother than he had been to me and my brother. That was until he left my step-mum too, and ended up barely seeing my half brother. Turns out crap dads are crap dads, whichever family it is. A man who can neglect one child can neglect others.

OP you won’t know yet what parenting your own teens is like. It’s often a thankless task, seemingly continuously giving and getting very little back. Teens are inherently selfish. They’re hard work. In many ways I’ve found the teen years much harder than the sleepless toddler years. When your own kids are teenagers you’ll look back and be horrified at how badly you and your husband have treated your stepson.

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