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Step-parenting

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Original poster

What to do when step son suddenly wants to live with us?

246 replies

Msl1980s · 26/01/2025 23:54

Tried to make this shorter but it's difficult to do as feel I need to explain the back story!
I've been with my partner for almost 10 years.
Met him when his son was 9 and I got along very well with him then. He's now 16. His mum was a pain in the backside when ss was younger, using him and turning him against my partner a lot but as ss got older and he's wiser up to his mum that's all been sorted. Partner and ex don't really speak to each other as no need now as is a teenager.
We have two young children between us 4 yrs and 20 months. The 20 month old is a bit of a handful, tried everything to sort it and he's slowly getting better, but he can have a proper tantrum at times which results in a lot of screaming and we just have to wait for him to calm down. Nothing wrong with him just trypical toddler behaviour .
Ss has never made an effort with the kids and I said that's fine, there's a huge age gap so understandable but he wouldn't even sit in the same room as them if they were eating as found it "disgusting" . He's stopped coming over so much because he finds our son "annoying", and he also says he has better Internet at his place. We also make him help tidy up at ours, nothing major as he's barely here long enough but do the dishwasher etc.
His mum used to get annoyed when he didn't come here much as she had a boyfriend and wanted the house to herself however she's now single and seems happy with ss being there more. She's always molly coddled him, has never taught him to be independent, does a the cleaning, washing etc. She also has a 5 year old daughtwr who lives with them and sees her dad every weekend (they don't get on at all but that's a diff story).
He started at college this year but isn't enjoying it and changed courses already, although I totally get it, what 16 year old knows what they want to do!?
We are going to be moving an hour away this year and downsizing to a 2 and half bedroom flat in order to save money and help with a family business.
Ss has now said he will prob come live with us after college..... We've asked where that has come from because we've talked loads about moving and he's never been remotely interested. We will be a in a tiny village with nothing to do. There will be no room for him apart from to stay the odd night as the half bedroom is an office, which will be used daily but with no space for anything else like wardrobes and def no TV or PlayStation space.
He's also never interested in coming over unless it's someone's birthday and he knows we will be going out for dinner (he won't eat anything healthy).
EG this weekend, asked him ages if he will be around this weekend as likely will be doing something but didn't know what and he said no.
Now mentioned we are going out for dinner with my side of family (that we only see once a year) which has been booked for months and he' said "OK I'll come". We've said its too late now as it was a squeeze getting us in to the restaurant, and have no way of getting there now as using a smaller car but it's clearly because we've mentioned we are going for dinner.

We mentioned 2 years ago that we would probably be going away in the school term time as cheaper and he was fine with that but last year did a big very expensive holiday with whole family which he came to.
This year have booked a holiday with our family and sister and their kids (who ss has said he doesn't like as too noisy) in the school time and he's said we should have asked him. Just fyi we didn't pay for it as have no money as are saving so parents kindly paying.
We've said we wouldn't take him in school time because he's got college but he said he doesn't care but obviously we said that his education comes first.
His dad took him away last year to stay with a family member abroad and takes him to his grandparents to watch football regularly, because he refuses to go anywhere with his dad as doesn't want to be seen out with him (again typical teenager stuff). Partner is going to try and take him away this year (depending on money). Ss hasn't given his dad a birthday card, or present or Xmas guvr in 3 years, doesn't even text or call to wish happy birthday until I remind him to (his mum won't bother telling him to). Last year I forgot to remind him and he didn't call or text the whole day.
He's not a bad kid, usual teenager stuff, lazy, doesn't have many friends as doesn't seem to be interested in doing anything other than going on PlayStation. We've tried to get him to get a job but he can't be bothered and I know his mums got a lot of credit card debt as well as on all sorts of benefits, and barely works and he sees that as something to aspire to.

Not sure really what I'm after here. Just to rant and see what people think about the situation??

OP posts:
CwmYoy · 27/01/2025 08:36

Usual step mother bashers out in force.

SS is an adult not a poor little child. He makes bad choices and is ungrateful for what he's given.

Don't let him live with you he will make you all miserable as he does already when he can.

Tell him no.

BustyLaRoux · 27/01/2025 08:38

@Msl1980s you're going to get flamed. Stepparents always do. He sounds challenging. Also how old is he? You’ve been together nearly ten years and he was 9 when you got together. So that makes him 18 or 19 right? When I was that age, I left home. My dad’s GF moved in and they turned my bedroom into an office. My mum lived with her husband and they had four adult children between them and one spare room. I don’t see why there should be an expectation you provide him with a bedroom. As you say, he has one at yours and he never uses it. You try and involve him in your plans and he doesn’t want to be involved. Then at the last minute changes his mind and you’re the bad guy for not accommodating him. Sorry but at 18 or 19 or whatever he needs to start behaving like an adult. Rant away. I completely understand where you’re coming from!

Kdubs1981 · 27/01/2025 08:38

CwmYoy · 27/01/2025 08:36

Usual step mother bashers out in force.

SS is an adult not a poor little child. He makes bad choices and is ungrateful for what he's given.

Don't let him live with you he will make you all miserable as he does already when he can.

Tell him no.

He's 16. That's not an adult

midgetastic · 27/01/2025 08:38

16 as stated in the first post isn't adult

The brain matures around the mid 20s

Porcuporpoise · 27/01/2025 08:38

Sounds like he could do with some guidance from his dad in the form of active parenting. This will be easier for your dh to provide if he does live with you. What you are describing a kid that's feeling a bit directionless and lost and (dare I say it) surplus to requirements. It might not be easy to offer him a home (and certainly there are going to need to be some ground rules) but I think you ought to do it.

Whatever you decide this is the time in his life when he needs to see more of his dad, not less. All of my sons (I have 4) turned more to their dad in the teenage years, even the youngest who had previously been a total mummy's boy.

The only wanting to be with you if something good (like a meal out) is happening is totally normal btw. Most parents of teen basically bribe theirs to spend time with them by offering lifts/shopping trips/days out etc

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 27/01/2025 08:40

Another shitshow of a "blended" family. I will never understand why women have children with men who can't be bothered to parent their existing children.

HollyKnight · 27/01/2025 08:41

You're thinking long-term, and with your own children being so young long-term works for them. But SS is 16 now. In 7 years, he will be well into adulthood. A big house won't mean anything to him then. All he will know is that his father moved away with his new family and there was no space for him in his father's life anymore. He is a teenager. It is natural for him to start to see his parents less. But that doesn't mean he needs them less or loves them less or wants them to be less available. The kid clearly still wants to mean something to his father, but all he's getting back is that his presence is just an inconvenience. If his dad is upset now about seeing his son less, he's in for a shock in the future.

poemsandwine · 27/01/2025 08:42

MumblesParty · 27/01/2025 08:15

Poor you OP. These step kids are so annoying aren’t they. They won’t fit in with your life in a way you want them to, and then some of them have the cheek to actually expect their non-resident parent to provide space for them. If only he would just disappear off the face of the earth, so your perfect little family could continue as you want, with your small house and term-time holidays.

This is what it sounds like. And the dad isn't an amazing father to this child.

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 27/01/2025 08:44

Msl1980s · 27/01/2025 08:09

Lol at calling my other half a shit parent. He's not. He's amazing. He had his ss when he was 19 and ex was 17 and they had no idea what they were doing. I've had to teach dh how to be a better dad but ss mum was a nightmare although like I said she calmed down now.
Ss is a good kid and we don't expect him to love being around toddlers but it's also very difficult as we try to get him roubd a lot but he's not interested. He's only interested if we are going it for dinner.
And he's got a huge bedroom at our current house which he made homely and then he's not stayed in it for about a year now.. He says it's just because his Internet is better and easier to get to college from his mums

"My other half was a shit parent for the first nine years of his son's life and didn't make any steps to change that, just waited for me to come along and teach him how to be a parent to his real children (mine). His first child barely wants to see him, no idea why. He's amazing."

SoupDragon · 27/01/2025 08:45

We are going to be moving an hour away this year and downsizing to a 2 and half bedroom flat in order to save money and help with a family business.

You're moving an hour away from your DP's son into a property that has no room for him? Nice.

Porcuporpoise · 27/01/2025 08:47

CwmYoy · 27/01/2025 08:36

Usual step mother bashers out in force.

SS is an adult not a poor little child. He makes bad choices and is ungrateful for what he's given.

Don't let him live with you he will make you all miserable as he does already when he can.

Tell him no.

He's 16. That's not an adult, not even with a step child.

Original poster
Msl1980s · 27/01/2025 08:53

I don't have time to read all the posts. But I know people read things on here an making us out like we are awful parents but we aren't. I've helped mentor him and teach him about finances when he's been growing up but it's difficult when he sees us working two full time jobs, we own our own house and don't have the money to buy a lot, but his mums working part time, on loads of benefits, in a council rental and buys a new handbag, shoes every week and £300 tracksuits for his bday or Xmas gifts. We are trying to make him independent but his mum is doing the opposite.
He did come live with us for a bit last year but then his mum guilt tripped him when she broke up with her long term boyfriend and he didn't come back after that.
With regards to the job front we've sent a couple of job applications off for him and no one is responding, or if they have he's not told us. He's done a load of applications himself but I don't know know whether he's doing them properly as when he was here at Xmas we had to all help edit one for him as it wasn't done well.
he stayed all Xmas fyi for about 4 nights, we didn't push him away, unfortunately one night our youngest wasn't well and screamed a lot in the night and so ss left the next morning as he wanted to go and lie in bed all day even though we had more family coming over, with presents for him which he didn't wait for. He said since that night he's been put off to stay here although we've told him our youngest won't always be like that.
His friends have all got jobs and we've asked him to ask them to refer him but he says there's no jobs.
The one interview he did have we prepped him, told him how to dress. Said not to wear shorts and Tshirt when he asked if that was OK. He turned up in Tshirt and shorts and flip flops. Didn't get the job!
Anyway can't really get the whole story across here. I'm not a bad parent by any means but it's hard if he only wants one thing us and that's the nice meals out or the free holiday.
As I said his dad will be hopefully taking him away alone as we know he would much prefer that

OP posts:
BeaLola · 27/01/2025 08:54

It's apparent he's not wanted by you or his father from your post - poor kid

Btw to earlier poster he isn't old enough to get married with parents permission as that law has been changed. You can now only marry at 18 in England & Wales.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/01/2025 08:56

We have to move as family member can no longer look after their business so the move is already sorted.

You also have a family member who is a child in education, and needs a home, so tough shit regarding the business.

Your op was vile. Doesn't matter what time of night it was. Just the tone. You seemed in it to genuinely think your ss a worthy of a rant. It is completely the other way round. You don't fucking book holidays when one of your kids can't go!!!! That is nasty.

CwmYoy · 27/01/2025 08:56

16 isn't a child. He could get married or join the army. Time he showed some maturity.

He is an ungrateful brat, though.

BESTAUNTB · 27/01/2025 08:57

He’s still a minor. Your partner and his ex need to be the adults and start taking again, to discuss his best interests. At 16 he’ll obviously have a say.

MintTwirl · 27/01/2025 08:59

Poor kid, 16 is so young. It must feel pretty horrible to feel like you are an inconvenience to your dad.

HollyKnight · 27/01/2025 09:01

Wait how did he live with you last year and stay for four nights at Christmas when you also say "he's got a huge bedroom at our current house which he made homely and then he's not stayed in it for about a year now"?

Original poster
Msl1980s · 27/01/2025 09:02

BustyLaRoux · 27/01/2025 08:38

@Msl1980s you're going to get flamed. Stepparents always do. He sounds challenging. Also how old is he? You’ve been together nearly ten years and he was 9 when you got together. So that makes him 18 or 19 right? When I was that age, I left home. My dad’s GF moved in and they turned my bedroom into an office. My mum lived with her husband and they had four adult children between them and one spare room. I don’t see why there should be an expectation you provide him with a bedroom. As you say, he has one at yours and he never uses it. You try and involve him in your plans and he doesn’t want to be involved. Then at the last minute changes his mind and you’re the bad guy for not accommodating him. Sorry but at 18 or 19 or whatever he needs to start behaving like an adult. Rant away. I completely understand where you’re coming from!

Oh sorry I've edited some information so if anyone knows me then they won't know it's me. So ages not quite right.
But god people don't like step mums do they! It's hard to describe exactly what's going on. We've given him all the love and trued to educate him and I get that teenagers don't want to hang out with their parents it's more frustrating that he just wants to come with us if it's a free night out.
And we wouldn't never take our own kids out of college or school for a holiday not when they are doing A levels or GCSEs so we can't take ss out for a holiday then either

OP posts:
AshCrapp · 27/01/2025 09:03

I'm sorry but your DH is a bad dad. You don't move an hour away from a 16 year old and live somewhere without room for them if you're a good dad. Living close to your DC and having space for them in your home is the very very bare minimum of adequate parenting. Anything less is automatically trash.

You should delay your move by 2 or 3 years.

LadyTangerine · 27/01/2025 09:04

MintTwirl · 27/01/2025 08:59

Poor kid, 16 is so young. It must feel pretty horrible to feel like you are an inconvenience to your dad.

Yes this is awful to read.

Op you can't move into a 2 bedroomed flat, honestly please have some common sense and kindness. Whether your dss moans a bit and is typical teenager or not he must have somewhere to stay at his dad's.

awaynboilyurheid · 27/01/2025 09:04

CwmYoy · 27/01/2025 08:56

16 isn't a child. He could get married or join the army. Time he showed some maturity.

He is an ungrateful brat, though.

Yes really ungrateful I mean he should be really happy his Dad has a shiny new family and he can’t expect a bedroom or a holiday from him ….yeah what a brat …..
🙄

arethereanyleftatall · 27/01/2025 09:06

but it's difficult when he sees us working two full time jobs, we own our own house and don't have the money to buy a lot

And yet, you made the decision to have two more children when you have neither the time nor the money.

Your comment about there being better schools at the new place for 'your children' is shocking. Except the child in college of course, he doesn't count.

LadyTangerine · 27/01/2025 09:06

'But god people don't like step mums do they! It's hard to describe exactly what's going on. We've given him all the love and trued to educate him and I get that teenagers don't want to hang out with their parents it's more frustrating that he just wants to come with us if it's a free night out.'

Many will be stepparents! That's why they won't understand why you are so negative about a typical teenager.

ClairDeLaLune · 27/01/2025 09:07

Juiceinacup · 27/01/2025 00:28

Your DH is a disgrace, he has 3 children not 2 golden children and a disposable one, your attitude is appalling I would say what I really think but I would get banned.

⬆️ this