What to do when step son suddenly wants to live with us?

[Msl1980s]

Tried to make this shorter but it's difficult to do as feel I need to explain the back story!
I've been with my partner for almost 10 years.
Met him when his son was 9 and I got along very well with him then. He's now 16. His mum was a pain in the backside when ss was younger, using him and turning him against my partner a lot but as ss got older and he's wiser up to his mum that's all been sorted. Partner and ex don't really speak to each other as no need now as is a teenager.
We have two young children between us 4 yrs and 20 months. The 20 month old is a bit of a handful, tried everything to sort it and he's slowly getting better, but he can have a proper tantrum at times which results in a lot of screaming and we just have to wait for him to calm down. Nothing wrong with him just trypical toddler behaviour .
Ss has never made an effort with the kids and I said that's fine, there's a huge age gap so understandable but he wouldn't even sit in the same room as them if they were eating as found it "disgusting" . He's stopped coming over so much because he finds our son "annoying", and he also says he has better Internet at his place. We also make him help tidy up at ours, nothing major as he's barely here long enough but do the dishwasher etc.
His mum used to get annoyed when he didn't come here much as she had a boyfriend and wanted the house to herself however she's now single and seems happy with ss being there more. She's always molly coddled him, has never taught him to be independent, does a the cleaning, washing etc. She also has a 5 year old daughtwr who lives with them and sees her dad every weekend (they don't get on at all but that's a diff story).
He started at college this year but isn't enjoying it and changed courses already, although I totally get it, what 16 year old knows what they want to do!?
We are going to be moving an hour away this year and downsizing to a 2 and half bedroom flat in order to save money and help with a family business.
Ss has now said he will prob come live with us after college..... We've asked where that has come from because we've talked loads about moving and he's never been remotely interested. We will be a in a tiny village with nothing to do. There will be no room for him apart from to stay the odd night as the half bedroom is an office, which will be used daily but with no space for anything else like wardrobes and def no TV or PlayStation space.
He's also never interested in coming over unless it's someone's birthday and he knows we will be going out for dinner (he won't eat anything healthy).
EG this weekend, asked him ages if he will be around this weekend as likely will be doing something but didn't know what and he said no.
Now mentioned we are going out for dinner with my side of family (that we only see once a year) which has been booked for months and he' said "OK I'll come". We've said its too late now as it was a squeeze getting us in to the restaurant, and have no way of getting there now as using a smaller car but it's clearly because we've mentioned we are going for dinner.

We mentioned 2 years ago that we would probably be going away in the school term time as cheaper and he was fine with that but last year did a big very expensive holiday with whole family which he came to.
This year have booked a holiday with our family and sister and their kids (who ss has said he doesn't like as too noisy) in the school time and he's said we should have asked him. Just fyi we didn't pay for it as have no money as are saving so parents kindly paying.
We've said we wouldn't take him in school time because he's got college but he said he doesn't care but obviously we said that his education comes first.
His dad took him away last year to stay with a family member abroad and takes him to his grandparents to watch football regularly, because he refuses to go anywhere with his dad as doesn't want to be seen out with him (again typical teenager stuff). Partner is going to try and take him away this year (depending on money). Ss hasn't given his dad a birthday card, or present or Xmas guvr in 3 years, doesn't even text or call to wish happy birthday until I remind him to (his mum won't bother telling him to). Last year I forgot to remind him and he didn't call or text the whole day.
He's not a bad kid, usual teenager stuff, lazy, doesn't have many friends as doesn't seem to be interested in doing anything other than going on PlayStation. We've tried to get him to get a job but he can't be bothered and I know his mums got a lot of credit card debt as well as on all sorts of benefits, and barely works and he sees that as something to aspire to.

Not sure really what I'm after here. Just to rant and see what people think about the situation??

Because he thought it was acceptable to dump his 9-y.o.son, so this is a logical continuation, obvs.

And that is exactly what OP should do if she can’t cope living with her husband’s child. The child’s needs should come first. He didn’t ask to be living in (a) blended family/ies, that was entirely the decision of the adults who have responsibility for him.

First post nails it.

Poor lad.

What will happen if the lad’s mum gets a new partner and moves into a house where there isn’t enough room for him? Or is it only ok for dads to do that? I’m not going to say what I think about crap men like the OP’s partner or my post will be deleted!

What is with the amount of posts lately of "step mums" wanting to refuse to have their step children live with them? There have been several.

First post is spot on. Your DH needs to remember he has 3 kids and should provide space for all 3. Which side of the family is the business you are supporting?

The underlying problem is lots of terrible terrible fathers, who pick the easiest thing for them rather than what is best for their child. Op you have a chance to help your dh prove he can be a better father. When your children are 16 you will see how truly far from being an adult that is. His father has failed him , it sounds like mum isn't up to much either, he needs help, kindness and understanding.

There will be no room for him apart from to stay the odd nigh

This is terrible. You’re moving an hour away with no room for him. Your DH is a crap dad and person for doing this. Imagine he did this to your children?

This year have booked a holiday with our family and sister and their kids (who ss has said he doesn't like as too noisy) in the school time and he's said we should have asked him.

He’s right. You either go as a family or you don’t go.

Do you honestly not see you and DH are treating him like second class family?

HE should be ranting about you, not you about him!

What kind of parent moves away from their 16 year old?
I have a 16 year old and honestly he's never needed me more than he does now, trying to makes lots of big decisions about his future, lots of late night chats etc.
Your DH is a shit dad, and if he's a shit dad to his older kid he'll likely be a shit one to his younger ones eventually too.
In fact you're both awful pushing a child away like that and making it clear he's not welcome in your home, not even to a family dinner. You should both be ashamed of yourselves.

You’ve jumped the again, this CHILD is still 16. You are putting too much responsibility on him. He needs to be focusing on his education, not paying his father and step-mum’s rent.

You seem to be doing everything you can to exclude him and cut him off from his dad. You're moving away, you've chosen a house specifically where there will be no room for him. You book a holiday and say you have no money to take him too 'because you are saving'. You do have money, you've just decided your saving is more important than your dp's son.

Can you not see how selfish and nasty you are. He is a teenager, he needs his dad, regardless of whether he stacks the dishwasher, sends a birthday card or eats unhealthily.

Put your plans off for two years, your partner has parental obligations. Include your dss in every family meal because he is part of your family whether you like it or not, and in every holiday, at least until he is 18.

Try thinking about someone except yourself.

I mean maybe think about how you would feel if fast forward to when your children are 16, if you and husband have separated how you would feel if he and his new partner treated your boys like this? His 16 year old is his son regardless and I think you need to think about how he can be included and feel part of the family

Poor kid. You don't sound like a great stepmom. He shouldn't be phased out of life because he's a teenager and is behaving like one.

Then never move in with someone with children. They should always be the priority.

Poor step son 😞

This is such a good post. Be careful what you wish for. Sixteen is still really really young developmentally. My dd is 16 and the boys especially so. I know your dss seems big in comparison to your dcs. But he still needs a lot of guidance, care and parenting.

Are you joking? Or have we time travelled back to a time when teenagers can buy houses? I just don't understand the "kick them out on their 18th birthday" brigade on here.

And I was married and living mortgage free in our own house with my husband before I was 25 so I'm not in the slightest bit saying it's not possible, but society and modern life is not built to accommodate that anymore.

Why didn't you invite him to the dinner? Rather than him finding out and asking to come?? Also most restaurants can add person to a table did you even ask?

Bit disappointed dh is mkving away from his child and no option for him to live there. It is very normal for young adults to live with parents for longer while they save. Any move should have a space for him.

It reads like you haven't factored son into any of your plans. Now you know he's a part of it I'd say you need to re think. Will a three bed flat work? Presumably girls would share and he get the small bedroom but it feels pretty tight.

Yep. I totally agree with the other posters. You make damn sure you've got the space for him.

Unfortunately my son's father lives a long way (think 200 miles) from us. I have a daughter with my DH and DH treats DS like his own.

DS came home last night from a visit and he asked his dad why he doesn't live closer and doesn't live with him. His dad replied "because my family live in X county". DS has been heartbroken and hardly slept. Men think it's fine to have disposable children, don't they?! Wake up and smell the roses. Your partner/husband sounds a nob and if you're a decent person you need to tell him his son has the same rights to a room/space as your other two children.

Why are men allowed to behave like this argghhhhhhhhhb

Firstly all teenagers can be awkward to put it mildly-hormones.
Secondly- you chose to shack up with a man who already had a 9 year old child, and there was a 100% chance that this man could end up being the sole parent in this scenario.
Thirdly and most importantly, your poor ss has 2 parents and from what you have written, neither of them are up for parent of the year. He has to tolerate 2 blended families where quite frankly he doesn’t want to be with either.
Neither of them have his best interests at heart, both parents have gone on to have much younger children with their new shiny partners and it’s obvious that the new shiny dcs are the favoured ones.
No wonder he behaves like he does. What 16 year old male would state spending all day with a 5, 4 or 20 month old as the best thing in the entire world?
Answer- not one single one I have ever come across,
All 3 adults ( plus the father of the 5 year old) have behaved badly here.

Same. I think it's natural he wants to 'do things' and go out rather than just hang around at home with two small children. And they don't even have space for him in their car.

It sounds like you and your partner haven't factored him into your lives at all. You are moving to a home he won't have a space in, you take holidays when he can't attend.

You knew going int the relationship that there was an existing child and every family decision should factor that child in. If I were you I'd be feeling a little concerned about your partners attitude to his previous children as he seems content to move out and move on to create new families.

I am a step parent. We've had both my partners girls live with us full time. The youngest is now finishing uni and is likely to come back afterwards. I have a son, but we don't have kids together. His girls have NOT been easy. However, children are not easy and blending a family is tough going. However, I chose this situation. Parents that are together can't decide it is inconvenient to have all their kids at home, or that they can downsize while they still have kids that are fully dependent children.

This is just my personal view. When his kids have tried to split us up, told horrible lies, been really rude and generally awful. To the point their grandparent have jad to read the riot act on a few occasions! I remind myself that them wanting to control the situation and their behavior comes from a place of anxiety, fear and rejection. You have to empathise for these young people that have had their lives turned upside down. You have to work extra hard to support them, with extra love and patience. He sounds like a nice lad and you were trying to architect a situation that might push him out.

Why do these posts always contain a list of things designed to make the step-child look bad- he doesn't pick the healthy option in restaurants: he doesn't have enough friends etc.

It's obvious you dislike your SS OP and I think he is probably picked up on the fact that neither you or his DF want him around anymore. Poor kid.