What to do when step son suddenly wants to live with us?

[Msl1980s]

Tried to make this shorter but it's difficult to do as feel I need to explain the back story!
I've been with my partner for almost 10 years.
Met him when his son was 9 and I got along very well with him then. He's now 16. His mum was a pain in the backside when ss was younger, using him and turning him against my partner a lot but as ss got older and he's wiser up to his mum that's all been sorted. Partner and ex don't really speak to each other as no need now as is a teenager.
We have two young children between us 4 yrs and 20 months. The 20 month old is a bit of a handful, tried everything to sort it and he's slowly getting better, but he can have a proper tantrum at times which results in a lot of screaming and we just have to wait for him to calm down. Nothing wrong with him just trypical toddler behaviour .
Ss has never made an effort with the kids and I said that's fine, there's a huge age gap so understandable but he wouldn't even sit in the same room as them if they were eating as found it "disgusting" . He's stopped coming over so much because he finds our son "annoying", and he also says he has better Internet at his place. We also make him help tidy up at ours, nothing major as he's barely here long enough but do the dishwasher etc.
His mum used to get annoyed when he didn't come here much as she had a boyfriend and wanted the house to herself however she's now single and seems happy with ss being there more. She's always molly coddled him, has never taught him to be independent, does a the cleaning, washing etc. She also has a 5 year old daughtwr who lives with them and sees her dad every weekend (they don't get on at all but that's a diff story).
He started at college this year but isn't enjoying it and changed courses already, although I totally get it, what 16 year old knows what they want to do!?
We are going to be moving an hour away this year and downsizing to a 2 and half bedroom flat in order to save money and help with a family business.
Ss has now said he will prob come live with us after college..... We've asked where that has come from because we've talked loads about moving and he's never been remotely interested. We will be a in a tiny village with nothing to do. There will be no room for him apart from to stay the odd night as the half bedroom is an office, which will be used daily but with no space for anything else like wardrobes and def no TV or PlayStation space.
He's also never interested in coming over unless it's someone's birthday and he knows we will be going out for dinner (he won't eat anything healthy).
EG this weekend, asked him ages if he will be around this weekend as likely will be doing something but didn't know what and he said no.
Now mentioned we are going out for dinner with my side of family (that we only see once a year) which has been booked for months and he' said "OK I'll come". We've said its too late now as it was a squeeze getting us in to the restaurant, and have no way of getting there now as using a smaller car but it's clearly because we've mentioned we are going for dinner.

We mentioned 2 years ago that we would probably be going away in the school term time as cheaper and he was fine with that but last year did a big very expensive holiday with whole family which he came to.
This year have booked a holiday with our family and sister and their kids (who ss has said he doesn't like as too noisy) in the school time and he's said we should have asked him. Just fyi we didn't pay for it as have no money as are saving so parents kindly paying.
We've said we wouldn't take him in school time because he's got college but he said he doesn't care but obviously we said that his education comes first.
His dad took him away last year to stay with a family member abroad and takes him to his grandparents to watch football regularly, because he refuses to go anywhere with his dad as doesn't want to be seen out with him (again typical teenager stuff). Partner is going to try and take him away this year (depending on money). Ss hasn't given his dad a birthday card, or present or Xmas guvr in 3 years, doesn't even text or call to wish happy birthday until I remind him to (his mum won't bother telling him to). Last year I forgot to remind him and he didn't call or text the whole day.
He's not a bad kid, usual teenager stuff, lazy, doesn't have many friends as doesn't seem to be interested in doing anything other than going on PlayStation. We've tried to get him to get a job but he can't be bothered and I know his mums got a lot of credit card debt as well as on all sorts of benefits, and barely works and he sees that as something to aspire to.

Not sure really what I'm after here. Just to rant and see what people think about the situation??

You know your toddler is “a handful” but that’s just normal for their age? Well what your DSS is doing is also “normal for his age”.

He’s a child. Parents provide a home for their children. All of their children.

look, I get it, you don’t like him much, find him annoying, whatever. But he’s your husband’s child. You do the right thing.

i know you can’t imagine your lovely babies being hulking, sulky, annoying teenagers now. But I wonder how you’d feel if your husband said he was upping and offing and leaving Them when they are 16. Not very impressed is my guess.

Your DH has a child under 18. He shouldn’t move to a house that can’t accommodate him, your downsizing plans need to wait until he’s an adult at least. Squeezing him out like this is horrible.

His dad is moving away to a place you didn't think he'd want to live and not even providing a bedroom for him to stay in. That's terrible parenting.

https://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/news/uk-world-news/our-daughters-sleep-garden-sheds-34512445 Would this help?

Mn is odd on this.
16 yo Ss who has never lived or showed signs of wanting to live with them.
Mn says you should make sure your house always has a spare bedroom in case they want to ove in.

18yo who has always lived at home going to uni, expecting to be back in holidays (typically around 22 weeks a year)
Mn they can't expect to keep a bedroom. That's totally selfish.

I want you to imagine your husband and his new wife doing exactly this to your own son and think about how you'd feel about this.

He is his father! There should always be a place for him with you. You married a man with a child, not an inconvenience.

This is just so sad. He is behaving like a developmentally normal teenager. He shouldn't be punished by pushing him out at such a crucial developmental stage. This is just so, so sad to read.

It needs a rethink. You will look back on this with shame when your children are his age

mum to blended family here. I think you’ve been given sage advice. My only addition would be to point out that event my own fully resident teen would suddenly want to come out when food was on offer. I actively found ways to add food to any day out to entice them to come. They were also dreadful to their younger half siblings - way worse than your DS. Now as they're all growing up a bit they’re developing really nice relationships.

Why isn’t your DH on the internet fretting about his options and how they might affect his child?
Oh that’s right. He doesn’t care. Women’s work to sort out the children. Just do what’s best for himself. Move with the latest family and do the minimum for the one that seems like hard work.

Stopped reading the OP halfway through as your dislike for this child and your transparent attempt to swing the argument in your favour was so blatant it was pointless reading any more.

You think he's a big inconvenience, we get it. He's a terrible person because he likes eating. I hope one of your own children is a boy and you get to see how much a teenage boy needs to eat. Especially when they are living in a small village with nothing to do.

Your husband is a bad father. This too will come to pass with your own children once they start having their own likes and dislikes.

Also. Most young people in some areas are 27 before they move out properly so don’t be in a rush to bin him off if he needs support until then and his Mum isn’t likely to provide it.

I feel sad for your SS. I'm not sure what you wanted to achieve from this thread. He sounds like a typical teenager. Moving to a house where he can't have space to stay is awful. Saying a 16 year old aspires to be on benefits is equally as awful. You and your DH don't sound like good people.

Your SS sounds like a normal teen, but it's as though you're tying to make him sound odd.

I wonder if when your own children are the same age you'll look back and feel bad about the way you're treating him.

IDK what you're on about with "jumped the again".

I'm talking about when he's 18. He said about coming to live with them after college. Yes 18yr olds pay rent if nobody can afford to house them for free. Not all parents are made of money and not all 18yr olds even have parents.

I believe society has failed young people by babying them so long. At 18 they're adults. Wasn't so long ago it was 16. Adults should be able to act like adults. Sure they'll still need parental advice and practical help, especially when they're still young, but raising a teenager to prepare them for adulthood when they're an adult isn't wrong IMO. Adulthood isn't 25. There's all this nonsense being spouted everywhere about brains not being fully formed until 25 and everyone now acting like children are 14 until they're 25 basically. It's nonsense. It's an impulse control thing that isn't fully formed until 25, brains themselves are fully formed way before then and there's no need to baby adults.

All those having a go at OP for not letting him come to the family birthday dinner - he was asked repeatedly and constantly told OP he was unavailable. Did you all miss that part? He then couldn't come because the restaurant didn't have room for him. It's not unreasonable. Lots of places you book per person, you can't expect a small popular restaurant to always be able to squeeze an extra person in last minute. Stepson clearly DGAF about whoever's birthday it was, since despite what he told OP he was actually available and just CBA to go, he only wanted to come last minute when he found out there was going to be a free meal out. It wasn't harsh/punishing/ostracising etc that people have accused OP of. It was an event he was invited to and he ended up not being able to go due to his own actions.

As for the holiday, if your own parents offered to buy you and your sibling and your preschool DC a term time holiday as a gift...you'd really turn round to them and tell them they had to book a more expensive holiday in school holidays and pay for an extra room so you could invite a child who isn't yours and who barely visits your home or else you won't accept their gift? Really, you'd do that? I don't think so.

Honestly what a shit like for kids like this. Mother doesn’t want him around because she’s shacked up with a new fella, father has a new perfect life with 2 replacement children and doesn’t even think twice about moving to a house that “doesn’t have any space for him” and his new partner actively doesn’t want any the son to store clothes or an x box in the home.
He has been abandoned and dumped at every point by the people supposed to care for him and then people are wonder why these kids are hard work when it’s their fault?
Utterly depressing that so many people view children like this and think it’s acceptable behaviour.

Totally agree. Your DH is an appalling parent.

I think it's very unwise to have further children when a parent can't provide adequately for their first. I also think that your dh shouldn't be considering moving away from his child who is at a critical stage in his life. He needs direction and support and dh needs to be around to provide it.

@mnisawasteoftime I believe society has failed young people by babying them so long.

Sounds like you will just find any excuse to rant about “kids these days”.

What part about being ditched by his father at 9, then repeatedly by his mother when she has new boyfriends, then again at 16 when his father moves to a house that doesn’t have a bedroom for him strikes you as babying him?

Really the office will have to be a possible bedroom for your stepson, he will be staying with you at times even if he doesn’t live there, however his father will need to set rules if he is no longer in education as regards to work and helping in the flat. Only you know the financial situation and I don’t expect the plan to downsize was taken lightly.
I am surprised that so few posters mentioned the family holiday and the father/son trips and have chosen to fixate on the holiday you have been given by your parents, sorry, but if your stepson doesn’t enjoy being with his siblings he will not enjoy being stuck with your sister’s children as well. The missed meal is his fault alone, by choosing not to be there at the weekend the table was booked for a certain number.
A big problem is being 16! You know everything but nothing, want to be totally independent but with a piece of elastic around you that will ping you back to your family immediately if you wobble and hormones make you a bit toddler-ish at times. You realise this and you are doing a good job.

I don't think you should get together with a man who has kids if you're not prepared to live with the children at some point. You never know what the future holds.

I’m confused you’ve been together 10 years and met when the step son was 9 but you say he’s 16.

I don’t understand how parents can have such a lack of empathy for step children. You’re taking away his room and obviously have a lot of resentment towards him. Poor kid.

It must be confronting to read all the responses but your DH has legal responsibilities to all his children. He might find his new family more enjoyable but that doesn't mean he can pretend his oldest doesn't exist and disappear. The point about what would happen if the mum died is a really good one. Foster care is extremely hard to secure for teenagers.

it's also possible the mum has a new boyfriend who doesn't want him around either so he's trying to scramble for options just in case he can't live their either. It's a really vulnerable situation for a young person to be in. Makes you feel extremely stressed and panicking can lead to some horrible situations.

None of this is your fault, as the father it's all on your DH, but until all the kids are legally independent you have to provide all of them with safe, secure accommodation. You might even need to put off downsizing until his son is older and more settled down if you can't afford a bigger place in a new location.

The kid is 16 and you're willingly moving to a quiet location and to a flat that doesn't have a room for him. Wow.
Your DH won't win father of the year will he and you don't come out looking good either. In fact, it comes across as the lad is a thorn in your side.
I do hope this is made up because otherwise, the pair of you are bloody awful!

Poor lad. Imagine if he was your son OP. At 19 he might be an adult but is still really young. Times are hard and he needs security to help him have a decent start in life.

Dad comes across as selfish and tbh you aren't much better with your new family, he's a bit of a shit dad if he can't stick up for his son and parent properly.
His mother sounds a complete loser putting her latest shag ahead of her son.
No wonder the lad is miserable and seems awkward. I'd be very pissed off in his shoes too.