Ex keeps telling DP to move

[mistletoeandwine86]

Hoping that by posting on this board I will get a more balanced view.
my DP lives in a one bedroom flat and he has his 2 children EOW and some of the holidays. When they stay, they sleep in his bed and he sleeps on the sofa bed.
the children are same sex, so I don’t really think this is much of an issue. DP’s ex has said recently though that as the children get older they need to have their own beds.
i don’t disagree that that would be the ideal, but at the moment it’s not possible. DP is still in his first 2 years of being self employed and can’t afford to get onto the housing ladder yet. His ex has told him this morning that if he doesn’t get a 2 bedroom within the next year then she will stop the children coming to stay. They are now 10 and 7. we live in a VERY expensive area. DP pays in rent the same as his ex pays in mortgage on a whole house.
DP is very worried about what is going to happen next, and doesn’t want to not have his children. I think she is being ridiculous and the children are fine sharing a bed still as they are same sex.
looking for advice really.

He doesn’t just see them 4 days a month! He has them Friday after school - Monday morning, he also does 3/4 school runs a week and spends one evening a week with them. More school runs than the ex in fact. They just sleep over at his 3 nights a fortnight.

he doesn’t want to spend more money on renting a 2 bed, the money saved is for a house purchase.

they don’t have their own rooms at mums either, they have bunk beds. She is looking at putting them in their own rooms in the next year though, I think she uses the 3rd room as an office atm which I think is what has triggered this

That should say every other Friday - Monday

They might not each have their own rooms at home but at their dad's they don't even have their own shared room. Or their own beds (not even their own shared bed).

Sharing a room is fine. Sharing a bed is not.

That is all there is to it.

I think people often forget that two households cost more to run than one. Therefore, unless both parents do something to increase their income there will be sacrifices made, and, unfortunately some of these will impact the children. The only ways to prevent this to be very wealthy or to not procreate with people you can sustain a relationship with.

Sharing a bed isn't ideal but the mum using the children as weapons by threatening to withhold access is far far worse. He needs to nip this behaviour in the bud by getting a court order.

In the meantime I would suggest looking into bunk beds for the kids.

Why have you just made all that up? The op has said the mum has given him a year to sort out separate beds for them. If he doesn’t he can’t have them overnight. They are not babies anymore to be sharing. She isn’t using them as a weapon, she’s not withholding contact, and after going through this myself as a child, twice, I can tell you that if this was in court today then the dad will be given 6 weeks to sort out the unsuitable living arrangements, not a whole year!

This

The ex is right. She's advocating for her children and the court would agree with her.

He sounds like he has chosen to be self employed to avoid maintenance. It's a tale as old as time. He's had a sizeable payout and still cba to sort beds for them despite them just staying EOW.

He's coming across as a bit of a deadbeat and you seem to be swallowing all the excuses.

they don’t have their own rooms at mums either, they have bunk beds

No one is saying they each need their own bedrooms. They need a bedroom which they can have as just theirs, and an individual permanent bed each in that room.

The mum is right that the boys need separate beds in the near future. Sharing a room is fine, the boys sharing a bed is not really. Ex is not unreasonable to ask that he considers moving.

If he won’t rent a bigger place, buy furniture that allows the boys to sleep in separate beds and will definitely get a 2 bed place in a couple of years then he might have to ask ex to change the contact for 12 months or so. Perhaps dropping off the boys at bedtime or something. Or explaining that they will have separate rooms by X date.

You’re being unfair slamming the ex for paying the same in mortgage as your partner does in rent- if he’d not picked self employment then he’d get a mortgage. It’s not ex’s fault that your partner didn’t secure a mortgage then become self employed.

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He needs to find a way to make his kids comfortable. There are options so his kids can have their own beds. He can get bunk beds. He can get a fold out bed. He can get the kids their own bedsheets. I would hate sleeping in sheers that someone else slept in. He needs to stop making excuses. He needs to stop acting like his ex is doing something to him, she is advocating for THEIR children.

So he doesn’t want to spend money on a tw bed flat, he could, he just doesn’t think his own children deserve their own beds or their own bedroom to sleep in. What if their mum followed his lead and decided they don’t need a bed or bedroom in her home either?

He either provides them with a bed each somehow or he moves.

”doesn’t want to” doesn’t cut it. He’s a father and needs to provide the basics for his children.

Ask your boyfriend if he was still sharing a bed with his brother at this age.

It is. One of the first things that social services look it is children's sleeping arrangement.

Good luck to him appearing in family court and putting forward a case that it's OK for children approaching puberty to share a bed. While he has 6 figures in the bank.

She isn't using them as a weapon she is advocating for the age appropriate needs, and giving him sufficient time to rectify the situation. She isnt demanding they have their own rooms.

You would think she was insisting he solved world hunger instead of having enough cop on to realise kids of those ages should have personal sleeping space.

No what's triggered it is common sense that a basic requirement for over night stays is appropriate sleeping provision.

All the extra information you are adding makes no difference to the fact that 2 separate beds are required. And not impossible even in his current flat. There is no excuse not to resolve it.

Own beds should be a minimum standard for children at their own parents home.

Crazy that his picked to not be able to give his children their own beds let alone their own room even if they have to share it. No space that is theirs, just dads bed in dad room. I’d of been mortified once I was old enough to no was sex was too.. dads bed he shares with his gf…

Bet the boys have told mum they hate it.

He didn’t need to go self employed to get better hours either just change job. He picked this not them or his ex.

If he's self employed, why does that tie him to this "very expensive area"? Can he not move somewhere a bit cheaper? Is Amon expensive area worth more to him than his kids?

He can put a bunk bed on the opposite wall or take down the wardrobes and replace them he he leaves.

he doesn’t want to spend more money on renting a 2 bed, the money saved is for a house purchase.

His DCs needs come before his wants.

He doesn't need to own a house, he just wants to.

His DC need their own beds. Ones that they can decorate with stickers, put posters on the wall next to it, store their stuffed toys on, have their choice of bedding. Have clean bedding that nobody else has slept in, a mattress and pillow that isn't dented to their dad's body and head. And to not be sharing a bed with each other.

If you think the current set up was ever ok then you're as much of a disgrace as he is OP.

The ex is right, overnight access should be stopped if he's not going to provide the most basic thing for it - their own beds.

The ex is right, overnight access should be stopped if he's not going to provide the most basic thing for it - their own beds.

But as mentioned earlier in the thread, are overnight stays really essential?

It feels like quite an unwelcoming set up for them currently. Is there anything 'permanent' in the flat that he has for them that isn't shared or put away between visits?

Nope. But if he wants them, he needs to fulfill his DC needs.

Has he properly looked into buying his own place? I know it's trickier to buy as a self employed person, but a good mortgage advisor who specialises in it might be able to help him. I worked with people who were self employed and we had a financial advisor who would help them get mortgages when they thought they couldn't

Alternatively, could he fit in one of those single high up beds with space underneath for desk/drawers?

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