Ex keeps telling DP to move

[mistletoeandwine86]

Hoping that by posting on this board I will get a more balanced view.
my DP lives in a one bedroom flat and he has his 2 children EOW and some of the holidays. When they stay, they sleep in his bed and he sleeps on the sofa bed.
the children are same sex, so I don’t really think this is much of an issue. DP’s ex has said recently though that as the children get older they need to have their own beds.
i don’t disagree that that would be the ideal, but at the moment it’s not possible. DP is still in his first 2 years of being self employed and can’t afford to get onto the housing ladder yet. His ex has told him this morning that if he doesn’t get a 2 bedroom within the next year then she will stop the children coming to stay. They are now 10 and 7. we live in a VERY expensive area. DP pays in rent the same as his ex pays in mortgage on a whole house.
DP is very worried about what is going to happen next, and doesn’t want to not have his children. I think she is being ridiculous and the children are fine sharing a bed still as they are same sex.
looking for advice really.

The dm 100 percent reasonable here.

He could easily swap the current bed for bunk beds or two singles. He doesn’t have to get them separate bedrooms. He could resolve this situation by the next visit.

if self-employment is making it difficult for him to provide for his children, he should consider alternative career options.

She’s a cow and she also doesn’t have the final say. why oh why do women think only their perspective on parenting matters?

two same sex kids sharing a double bed if it means they can maintain the relationship with their Dad is no hardship.

Yes, sorry, I am with the masses, there are plenty of solutions to improve the sleeping situation without having to spend a fortune or move house.

A judge would side with her. Especially given she is not suggesting the children cease seeing their dad entirely, simply cease overnights in a years time if he cannot adequately house them.

They can maintain a relationship without overnight visits.
The children are likely the ones complaining and their mother is not unreasonable to bring this up, she may even be doing so to help the relationship the children have with their father, the boys will not tolerate sharing a bed and will vote with their feet eventually.

Why oh why do men not think about their growing children's future needs?

She’s not a cow, she’s advocating for her children. Their father’s home should feel like a home for the kids too, they should at minimum have a bed that’s theirs. It’s not a camping trip. Lucky for the kids that they have at least one parent who sticks up for them.

I think the mum is right, that set up is utterly grim for the kids involved.

Even temporary airbeds set up for the weekend would be a better solution than all sharing.

zip together bed that can change from a double to two singles would work well
or an old fashioned z bed

hi thanks for the comments. Will try and answer the questions.
I didn’t even know about the link beds / double bunk bed so thanks for that, these are worth considering. however, not to make excuses, but I don’t think this will work in the room, it’s a rented flat and there is a built in wardrobe/storage above and around the bed, a bit like this: https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/platsa-wardrobe-with-8-doors-3-drawers-white-fonnes-sannidal-s49336548/?gclsrc=aw.ds&gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAADqyA2NHK7GwyJ1HJnDfC4J9eeyuH&gclid=Cj0KCQiAhbi8BhDIARIsAJLOluelm4CxBksaIoo-D6d4pUKfxwQh6KDeRBr6liZ4SaF3KnLLp59ac6caAu9iEALw_wcB

Which makes bunk beds etc. difficult.

The divorce is sorted and DP’s ex bought him out of the house. He got a reasonable payout - 6 figures. The issue is that because this area is expensive he can afford the deposit but 2 bedroom flats / houses here are 250k+ and even with a big deposit, he needs 3 years worth of good self employment figures to qualify for the difference, which he doesn’t have.

He earned a lot more money before this but he was doing shifts so hardly saw the children. he can’t really win tbh with the ex who was fed up then because he couldn’t have the boys consistently. and I think she’s being a bit rich sitting in her 370k+ house telling him what to do. (I haven’t said this to him.) They live 20 minutes from each other, her area is actually more expensive. I don’t know how much her mortgage is in total nor how much she earns but she can obviously afford it.

DP and I have no plans to move in together.

No ….it’s not rich sitting in the house… she’s paid him out, not like he’s walked away and left her all the equity. He could have used the payout and bought before going self- employed

It’s a bit grim for the kids to share a bed then that be his bed … I couldn’t stay over knowing I’m having sex in a kids bed( feel a bit sick writing that )

Don’t buy into the ex is evil crap - she’s sticking up for her kids and he needs to do better

Is there a nearby cheaper area he could move to?

It is if her finances are being dropped up by her staying in the marital home at same cost as him renting a 1 bed flat. If he owns the house jointly, abd she's insisting, he needs his equity out of the house.

Well tell that to all the parents who co-sleep with their kids then. It’s seriously nit picky to get hung up on that - lots of people give up their room for their children and sleep in the lounge but move back to the bed when the kids aren’t there. Also I’m guessing he changes the sheets. He can’t afford anything bigger - would you be telling a mum who is struggling that she’s a shit mum and disgusting if she lets a kid sleep in her bed (even if she’s not in it)?
I do think they need own beds though. What about blow up beds in the living room?

It's hardly unreasonable to want your children to have a bed each.
Hell, even two chair beds in the living room would be better than them sharing a double bed.
He needs to sort it out.

well he could go permanent for a bit to secure a mortgage and then go back to self employed.

it makes more sense especially if he has the £ for the deposit and would make enough on self-employed to make mortgage payments.

alternatively he will ned to find a solution to the bed situation. if the bunks won't work, what about a day bed that pulls out to 2 separate mattresses at least?

ex wife bought him out.

According to the OP, the ex did buy him out and he chose to go self employed rather than getting a stable home that's suitable for his children.

So in other words he has the deposit and used to have a well paid job but gave that up because it wasn’t conducive to having his kids but now he’s still only having them 4 days a month and he can’t afford to house them comfortably. The more you update the more I think he became self employed to avoid paying any meaningful child maintenance to the woman who looks after his kids the vast majority of the time and always has.

I have very limited sympathy for these types of men. There’s a lot of them too.

They can maintain a relationship without overnight visits.

I totally agree @TomatoSandwiches. The fixation with overnighting only seemed to happen when maintenance was calculated on the amount of overnight stays. When I was a child, you lived with Mum and spent time with Dad (if they were separated) and we all managed just fine.

What about a bunk bed where there is a double on the lower part and a single on the top,
When they are not there he then uses the double bed

The divorce is sorted and DP’s ex bought him out of the house. He got a reasonable payout - 6 figures.

So he has over £100k in the bank and his two children have to share a bed that he’s temporarily vacated?

He needs to rent at least a two-bed. It doesn’t sound like the mum is insisting on a bedroom each, so I don’t think she’s being unreasonable.

He earned a lot more money before this but he was doing shifts so hardly saw the children. he can’t really win tbh with the ex who was fed up then because he couldn’t have the boys consistently

I agree it’s a bit no-win. Working the hours required for a well-paid shift job is unlikely to fit in around children. My DH had a similar situation with his work, the ex wanted him to have the children a lot, which meant he could do less hours, but she still wanted top-dollar maintenance. You can’t have it both ways. But they really do need their own beds

There are lots of options - a double bed with a pull out trundle, or put a chair bed, sofa bed or foldaway bed in the bedroom to create a second bed.

But ideally he needs to move - as he has a huge deposit it would be worth seeing a mortgage broker as they may know a lender with more flexibility

In all honesty I have the same opinion as the ex - I wont be allowing my children to stay over at their dads and bed sharing at that age. It's fine if they have a choice - ie they have their own beds but get into each others for cuddles and sleepovers but being forced because their father can't sort himself out is not ok.