Ex keeps telling DP to move

[mistletoeandwine86]

Hoping that by posting on this board I will get a more balanced view.
my DP lives in a one bedroom flat and he has his 2 children EOW and some of the holidays. When they stay, they sleep in his bed and he sleeps on the sofa bed.
the children are same sex, so I don’t really think this is much of an issue. DP’s ex has said recently though that as the children get older they need to have their own beds.
i don’t disagree that that would be the ideal, but at the moment it’s not possible. DP is still in his first 2 years of being self employed and can’t afford to get onto the housing ladder yet. His ex has told him this morning that if he doesn’t get a 2 bedroom within the next year then she will stop the children coming to stay. They are now 10 and 7. we live in a VERY expensive area. DP pays in rent the same as his ex pays in mortgage on a whole house.
DP is very worried about what is going to happen next, and doesn’t want to not have his children. I think she is being ridiculous and the children are fine sharing a bed still as they are same sex.
looking for advice really.

Why can't he buy two beds for the bedroom or a zip and link bed?

I'd also think about taking it to court to get it formalised this year (then if she did stop him seeing them she'd be breaking the court order).

Is it possible that the children aren't happy about it, and so neither is their mother? I don't think she is being ridiculous to not agree with children sharing the bed frequently, especially as they get older.

Do you think it will be appropriate for young teen boys to frequently share a bed when they are dealing with puberty hormones and wet dreams, etc?

I don't know if she would be right to act on it by withdrawing overnights, but the Dad would be wise to look into his options or get clarity on the issue sooner rather than later.

It's a shame he lives in such an expensive area where you also live, rather than a cheaper one like where his ex lives and the children have separate beds/ bedrooms. Can he change his location?

I wouldn't have 10 and 7 year olds regularly staying in same bed. Plus what is he going to do when they hit puberty? He needs to start thinking about moving asap to a more suitable property.

I think the children need their own beds, same sex or not. The 10 year old will be moving into adolescence soon and will want privacy. Can he get two single beds that zip together when they're not there? And some kind of room divider/screen so each child has their own space?

Has the consent order been agreed / signed? Did the EW get the house? I ask this as I’m wondering if the finances haven’t been agreed, she’s still in the house & he’s having to rent?

The mother sounds controlling. She may not like that the children are sharing but there are many children having to share because their parents can’t afford a bigger property.

My advice would be to formalise contact & get a contact order. That will put a stop to her calling the shots & stopping contact if he doesn’t meet her demands.

Bunk beds!

Maybe he could investigate those bunk beds that have a double at the bottom, that way he can still have a double bed when they're not there.

Same bed isn’t great but he can easily buy a fold out bed for one of them. Sharing a room is fine for same sex kids, even if one is an adolescent. Some kids have to share throughout childhood - this is only sometimes. Agree he should pre empt her dicking around by formalising the arrangement.

He needs to look at one of those bunks with a double on the bottom.

I suspect that she is playing bad guy and this is probably coming from the kids.

Wtf? This is below the minimum standard needed for raising children, sorry. Sharing a room, yes. Sharing a bloody bed that’s not even their room, it’s their dads, no! And if it went to court I’d bet my last penny the judge would insist the children have their own bed each! If she was controlling then she would have stopped contact already, I think she has fairly good reason too. It’s not controlling at all to finally start putting her foot down about the sleeping arrangements now the children are getting older, it doesn’t matter that they’re the same sex. The majority of other parents seem to sort something out eventually. How long is your oh going to insist on continuing this?

Does he own a share of the mortgaged home?

I think that you need to ask him why the kids don’t have their own beds? Your post explains why they don’t have separate bedrooms but not why they have to share a double.

The mum is right, it’s not good enough. Separate twin beds off Facebook marketplace, or a bunk as pp have suggested would be max £100.

I suspect that the true reason is that he doesn’t want to change his bedroom to make it more comfortable for the kids and would rather moan about their mum instead.

I think the mum is right that this cannot be a long term arrangement. Your partner needs to prioritise finding a larger place to live or come to a different arrangement with his children’s mum until he is able to at least provide a room they can share separate beds in.

He could get. triple bunk bed. That way the kids have their own beds and he can sleep on the sofa bed when they are over.

Sorry, another one who thinks the ex is being reasonable here. The kids are getting to ages where they need their own beds. He needs to sort something out or the kids will vote with their feet and stop staying.

I think the mum is right and at those ages they are likely to start voting with their feet - especially if they have their own room/rooms at their mums. It’s one thing having to share a room, but a room that is not theirs and share a bed is unacceptable when it’s not just a one off (I.e visiting relatives).

Sounds like the boys have complained ( rightly ) to their mum and she's in agreement.
The very least he can do to show he is taking this seriously is get the boys a bunk bed or separate beds.

How long since they split has he been self employed btw? Does that career path help him to get away with lower or zero CM payments by any chance?
Perhaps he should go back to whatever job paid him better whilst he has dependant children he needs to consider?

Where does is end if there is no plan on his part for separate beds? 13&10, 16&13?

They might have to share the room, but he can change the bed for either twin beds or bunk beds, he doesn't have the luxury of a double for himself with the space he has unfortunately.

Children should have to go through puberty in a shared bed. Sometimes there isn't another option, but that's not the case here.

That sounds ideal

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect children to have their own BED. It's fine to share a room but it's not even their room is it? Not like they can leave their stuff there as it's their dad's room really.

I don't think the mother is controlling, just worried that the setup isn't great, which it isn't. He could get bunk beds etc.

What is your housing situation op?
Any chance he is trying to wangle his way into your home?

Yea, also siding with the mother. Why is he self-employed if it doesn’t bring in enough money to adequately house his children. Hopefully it’s not to avoid paying child maintenance. All parents have to make sacrifices for their children, his should be to become employed so that he can get a mortgage eventually and have at least one bedroom with two beds that are specifically for his children, not just give them his bed when they come around.

I think if this was me, I would turn the one bedroom into the DV's bedroom with twin or bunk beds. I'd also have 2 wardrobes so that it could act as my dressing room as well as their bedroom, but I'd have a sofa bed or Murphy bed (easier) in the living room which I slept on.

At 10 and 7 she’s making it clear to him that they sharing his bed isn’t a long term solution. If they’ve already been doing this for quite a while and he doesn’t yet have a plan to address it then it’s fair enough for the children’s mother to bring this up to him.

Has she bought him out yet?