Am I being unreasonable?

[Mariopeach]

Long post guys sorry
Trying to figure out if I'm being an idiot or if he's in the wrong?
I've had a really difficult journey with step parenting and right now I feel like I'm at breaking point so I may just be feeling extra stressed right now than usual!

So the story is, I have 2 children & my OH has 2 children who spend 50% of their time with us. All 4 are very close in age.

In an evening, often I like to snuggle up on the sofa to watch tv or read with my 2 children for an hour or so before bedtime. Fairly normal I imagine for most families? His 2 children are autistic so they have no interest in doing these things at all. Again, normal and accepted.
However, often when my children and I are trying to read / watch tv, his children are generally being loud and bouncing around in the living room. This makes it impossible for us to concentrate on what we're doing so I started to take my children upstairs to sit on the big bed to read where it's quiet.
OH always had an issue with me doing this. He would get stroppy because I had gone to sit on our bed. I asked him why this was and he said he didn't like my children being in our bed. He said he didn't mind the fact that I had left the room to read in a quiet place but not to use our bed.
Now I totally understand that he wouldn't feel comfortable with my children sleeping in our bed at the same time as him, that's fine. But is allowing them just to sit on the bed to read when he's not in it such a problem?
I've explained to him that there isn't really anywhere else in the house where we could sit together to read. After a discussion, he said he understood and he was overreacting.
So onto last night, same thing happened and his 2 we're bouncing around the living room, screaming and dancing so I left them to it and assumed it would be ok to go sit on our bed after we discussed it.
Myself and my 2 had just got into our pjs and snuggled up on the bed when he came upstairs. He told my daughter to move and he removed the pillows from behind her leaving her without any, then left the room.
I didn't say anything infront of the children, we all just budged up onto my pillows and she went to fetch her cushion.
Once they were in bed, I asked him why he did that. He said "I didn't want my pilllows to be messed out of shape" he said this as he was fluffing his pillow to put it back on the bed after throwing it on the floor. He said "I've got a right to choose what happens on my side of the bed and with my pillows".
It caused a bit of an argument and today I haven't said anything further about it but I cant stop thinking about it.
Am I being totally unreasonable and an idiot for making a deal out of it? Do I just need to chill out and find somewhere else to sit?
I'm really struggling and I know seems like such a silly issue to fall out over when we could argue about much bigger things but this is just one of many little things that happen that I just can't get my head around and I feel like I'm going insane always wondering if I'm doing the right thing or not.
Big hugs everyone.

He is being weird. Like, really weird.

Interesting one 🙂.

On the one hand, I do think that when you are in a full and busy house, that your bedroom is your sanctuary. And having step-kids on your bed might not be great.

However, as you said, they are ON the bed, not IN it. And it is also because of HIS kids that you are up there in the first place.

I would take his pillows off. Do you have a bedspread? So that the kids are not actually on his duvet? Be respectful of his bed. I think that's fair enough.

But really, reading on the big bed sounds great and probably really good for your kids if they have to live with other kids who are loud and bouncing round the living room.

I would continue to try and find a way to keep doing this but appeasing DH. Have you asked him exactly what it is that bothers him?

How old are your children?
How long have you been with your partner?
I think your other half is behaving very strangely about this.
I think it’s lovely that you’re reading to your children in bed, and makes absolutely perfect sense that you’d do it in the big bed.
You are NOT being unreasonable.
I’ve been with my partner 2 years, my daughter is 7 (I’m currently 15 weeks with second baby) and I can’t even imagine my partner acting like this if he found my 7 year old on his side of the bed.

I think what he really wants is you to go downstairs and deal with his children. He doesn't like to see his children going wild while yours are behaving well and listening to stories. He will see that as a reflection on his parenting.

I'm not sure what your financial situation is but as far as family life is concerned I wouldn't want my children living with him or with his children. I think it would damage them quite considerably to be so unwanted by him and to be so disturbed by other children that they can't have a quiet evening .

My girls are 7 and 9 yrs old.
I don't have a bed spread, but I guess I could ask him if that would help and even buy extra spare pillows.

Both children have bunk beds in their rooms with desks underneath and I'm too tall to climb up and sit on their beds.

He hasn't really given me an answer as to why he doesn't like it. His answer is always the same that it's his right to choose what happens to his half of the bed. He said it would be better for us to sit on the floor in my little ones bedroom which I can do, I'm just not as likely to stay there for long with an achey back on the floor haha.
I think I'm just tired and easily irritated at the moment.

I'm a tad gobsmacked at his behaviour. It sounds extremely childish. What damage are kids going to do to a pillow fgs?

Do none of the kids ever come into your bed? Not even in the morning for a quick snuggle? It was one of my favourite times of day, that, and story time in bed as you say OP.

Is he perhaps a little envious of the whole situation of you guys having a cosy, quiet story time together because he can't enact the same with his kids?

So you've set up home with an autistic man and his autistic DC (it's a hereditary condition) and his kids have some traits - hyperactivity, and your DP shows other traits (a bit like Sheldon from Big Bang Theory not wanting anyone to sit on "his" side of the sofa, your DC can't sit on "his" side of the bed) and you're finding this confusing?

I suggest you do a LOT more research into how autism presents itself and how easy/difficult that is to live with, especially for your DC growing up in that home.

@healthybychristmas
He does prefer it when all 6 of us are together but I've tried to explain to him that it's super tiring for myself and my 2 children so we try to find pockets of time where we can be just the 3 of us to have some quiet time x

Is it really better for your children to live like this and not with just you where they can feel relaxed and comfort and snuggle with you happily?
Do you think they don't notice his attitude to them? Why would you want them living like that and walking on eggshells.

He sounds like a massive man baby and a dickhead.

OP, you said, "..this is just one of many little things that happen that I just can't get my head around..."

What else does he do?

@Tomatocutwithazigzagedge
They've always come into me in a morning and climbed into bed for a cuddle. When we first moved in together, he wasn't happy about this but as you say, this is one of my favourite times and straight away I said this was non negotiable so he kinda just accepted it.

Tbh I think the best thing would be for you and your dc to snuggle in your pjs in your own house and for his dc to bounce and dance in his. It’s shitty living in a house where you can’t watch tv or read or relax because because a couple of unrelated kids can’t let you and you can’t retreat to a quieter space because an unrelated man literally pulls the pillow from under you. You either need a bigger house where a spare room can become a dedicated quiet, relaxed space, or you need 2 houses. Given that he sounds like he doesn’t care much about your needs, and actually stops your dc from reading with their mum, I’d be inclined to go for 2 houses.

Why would you want your children to grow up in this environment?

Sounds like your DP doesn't actually really like your kids deep down and resents the bond you have with them. So he's trying to chip away little by little at it by restricting and controlling what you do. He's testing the water to see if you'll go along with the silly notion that your kids can't sit on your bed. Then it will be something else he doesn't like.

Please don't let this be your kids childhood.

@graffittimonkey
He has been tested before for autism and it was negative. I do believe he is though and you are right.
We haven't lived together for too long and I am finding it very difficult.
I do feel guilty because we can't seem to find a good balance.

This may be the first in a long list of issues regarding his inflexibility.

It sounds like he is starting to expect you and your children to make the compromises, rather than him and his children.

Keep a very close eye on this. I know you will, but consider your children very carefully...

I’ve got 2 sc and I understand wanting somewhere to retreat to for peace and quiet however this is not the case with your oh. He’s leaving his kids bouncing around to come and tell you off, honestly he should be busy with his own kids like you are. Unsure if it’s an autistic trait like someone mentioned or if, like a lot of men, he wants you present to parent his kids. Either way I’d be telling him that it’s carrying on unless he starts to parent his kids and get them to calm down enough to be involved. And the pillow thing is petty and snacks of a stroppy teenager, very attractive!

Autistic people often learn "masking" techniques which help them through everyday life, but ironically make it harder to diagnose.

And yes, unfortunately, living with them can be VERY challenging.

You have my sympathies.

I don't think you're having a step parenting problem, you're having a DP problem. He's being a dick - if he doesn't like you and your girls on the bed, tell him to mind his own children's behaviour so you can sit in the living room!

I agree. Your children will see what he is doing and feel it too, they will remember.
Unfortunately living as a blended family isn’t always the way forward.

His behaviour is childish, selfish and manipulative. Do you want his children leaping around 'your half' of the sitting room?

I would buy some extra pillows that you use with your dcs and carry on snuggling. I'm interested to see what he comes up with next to disrupt your quiet time.

It sounds like he wants you downstairs dealing with his dcs and is jealous of you having a quiet cuddle with your dcs.

Or it could be that he is also ASD and really has a thing about his pillows.

Either way, do you really want such an unfriendly unhelpful man in the same house as your dcs?

Maybe he could have a night time ritual with his own kids in the kitchen or somewhere else so you can just chill in the lounge room. It sounds like his kids would enjoy this anyway.

Why are you putting your kids through this?? Why?

You are not being unreasonable, you sound like a lovely mum. He should have more consideration for the impact on you and your children of having his kids bouncing around. If it’s really important for him to have his bed undisturbed it sounds like you need a bigger house so he can have his own bedroom.

Sorry OP but this.

I’m endlessly baffled at the living situations that posters on here inflict on their poor kids in the name of a ‘blended family’. Those two girls should be living in a loving and relaxed home with their mum, where they can read a book together before bedtime without this unpleasant drama. Not with a step dad who makes them feel unwelcome and two challenging step siblings that have such a dramatic impact on how they can live and interact in their home. Just how are they benefitting from this? I’m sorry to be blunt but this strikes me as so insanely selfish. Is it just important to you to live with your boyfriend that your girls’ best interests just don’t come into it? You sound like a loving mum but I think you have made a serious mistake here and need to rethink this set up for your kids’ sake. Especially because reading between the lines, what you have posted here (which is bad enough) sounds like it’s probably the tip of the iceberg.