Am I being unreasonable?

[Mariopeach]

Long post guys sorry
Trying to figure out if I'm being an idiot or if he's in the wrong?
I've had a really difficult journey with step parenting and right now I feel like I'm at breaking point so I may just be feeling extra stressed right now than usual!

So the story is, I have 2 children & my OH has 2 children who spend 50% of their time with us. All 4 are very close in age.

In an evening, often I like to snuggle up on the sofa to watch tv or read with my 2 children for an hour or so before bedtime. Fairly normal I imagine for most families? His 2 children are autistic so they have no interest in doing these things at all. Again, normal and accepted.
However, often when my children and I are trying to read / watch tv, his children are generally being loud and bouncing around in the living room. This makes it impossible for us to concentrate on what we're doing so I started to take my children upstairs to sit on the big bed to read where it's quiet.
OH always had an issue with me doing this. He would get stroppy because I had gone to sit on our bed. I asked him why this was and he said he didn't like my children being in our bed. He said he didn't mind the fact that I had left the room to read in a quiet place but not to use our bed.
Now I totally understand that he wouldn't feel comfortable with my children sleeping in our bed at the same time as him, that's fine. But is allowing them just to sit on the bed to read when he's not in it such a problem?
I've explained to him that there isn't really anywhere else in the house where we could sit together to read. After a discussion, he said he understood and he was overreacting.
So onto last night, same thing happened and his 2 we're bouncing around the living room, screaming and dancing so I left them to it and assumed it would be ok to go sit on our bed after we discussed it.
Myself and my 2 had just got into our pjs and snuggled up on the bed when he came upstairs. He told my daughter to move and he removed the pillows from behind her leaving her without any, then left the room.
I didn't say anything infront of the children, we all just budged up onto my pillows and she went to fetch her cushion.
Once they were in bed, I asked him why he did that. He said "I didn't want my pilllows to be messed out of shape" he said this as he was fluffing his pillow to put it back on the bed after throwing it on the floor. He said "I've got a right to choose what happens on my side of the bed and with my pillows".
It caused a bit of an argument and today I haven't said anything further about it but I cant stop thinking about it.
Am I being totally unreasonable and an idiot for making a deal out of it? Do I just need to chill out and find somewhere else to sit?
I'm really struggling and I know seems like such a silly issue to fall out over when we could argue about much bigger things but this is just one of many little things that happen that I just can't get my head around and I feel like I'm going insane always wondering if I'm doing the right thing or not.
Big hugs everyone.

I don’t think you can without compromise on his part and that isn’t going to happen

this isn’t a step parenting issue it is a partner one - to make blended families work needs time and understanding and I am just not seeing it from him

wwlk away and protect your children

I think what he really wants is you to go downstairs and deal with his children. He doesn't like to see his children going wild while yours are behaving well and listening to stories.

^^ This. A thousand times over.

Blending families rarely works. I'd be looking to revert to having my own home with my own kids where they can be themselves, enjoy mum time, and not get the pillow pulled out from under them.

I always read to our children on the big bed. DH would never have an issue with it. I don’t know if it’s because they’re out joint DC or something else.

I wouldn’t want to live with your DH and dsc

I’m sorry OP but this relationship looks doomed. There is simply no way I would let my children be treated like this.

Stop living together. You are already finding it difficult, so your xhildren definitely will be. It isnt worth the uoheavel for them. They deserve peace in their homes.

also he was rude to your child and is not doing anything to control his children or remove them from the room to take turns?

I also thought this immediately.

but i bet if op did try to add some calm her DP wouldnt like that either.

This doesn’t sound like it’s working out…for anyone….

He would rather you sat on the floor?

There is something so quietly nasty about this that it’s almost worse than more obvious resentment towards your children.

This.

The kids being on his bed is extremely stressful for him. There are going to be a lot of situations like this you'll need to navigate if you stay living together. Does he accept he's probably autistic? What do your daughters think? They are old enough to give their view on living together. How long have you known him?

Thanks so much for posting everyone.
I think I really needed this outside perspective.

The re is no way this man will do that. He wants op to follow his routine and rules.

@Mariopeach have you suggested he take his children elsewhere or encourage reading with them? How did he react?

I do understand him not wanting your children IN his bed but I don’t really see the issue with them sitting on it. Maybe just remove his pillow before you jump on to read.

I think the real reason for his anger is that your children are “easy” and his are “hard” to look after and he’s pinning that on you when actually it’s no one fault.

You have the right to spend separate time with your children for absolutely no reason at all but the fact that his children make your evening routine of calming down and being quiet hard gives you even more justification for wanting to separate them.

Blending families is hard work at the best of times but if he’s not understanding and open minded this really isn’t going to work.

sounds a bit of a dick move on his part to take the pillows from her.
the kids have always been comfortable to jump in to bed with me (and when the ex and I were together) I loved snuggling up with them. I don’t really view sitting on the bed with your children any differently to being set on the sofa myself But I know some see their bed/bedroom as their/couples space and dont like this, or can be particular. I used to feel a tiny inner annoyance by the ex rearranging the pillows to how he liked them and not how I wanted them to be 🤣

if it’s going to be an issue, can you compromise somehow? I think it’s lovely you want to have that calm time with the kids sat comfy to read, are their rooms big enough for some floor cushions or bean bags you can use? at least if in their room you won’t have to put up with a grumpy arse walking in to check his pillows or asking them to move if he decides on an early night or lie down

i I remember we had a pop up tent (bought for days out at the beach etc as youngest likes a break from the sun) and the kids bloody loved getting in there and using it as a den. It was a novelty for a while to lie down on some pillows, blankets and a sensory light before bed just for a cuddle and chat

Are there are any other areas in which he displays controlling behaviours, or is this the only way?

If you don't have joint DC then why live together. Date him once or twice a week and live in your own space doing what you want without some bossy man telling you you can't sit on your own bed.

Don’t buy floor cushions or a tent ffs. What sort of bedroom tent accomadates a grown woman plus 2 junior school dc? If he doesn’t let you sit on the sofa and he doesn’t let you sit on your bed he will not let you sit on floor cushions. The floor cushions are messy and have to go. His dc need the floor cushions more so they have to be moved. His dc what to sit on the floor cushions so will bounce into quiet reading time. He’s not going to let you have this time under any circumstances. If he doesn’t want your kids on his side of the bed the very obvious solution is to have quiet time in the sofa, but he doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want you and your dc to have time together at all so he’s snatching your pillows and telling you off. He could spend time with his own dc but he’d rather boss you about while you are reading. Any dedicated space that you have to relax in he will enter and disturb.

Did he move into your house?

Unfortunately I think the future isn't looking that good, 4 children is challenging however much more so when step parenting. I think you need to consider how his inflexible behaviour will impact as your children grow.

I suspect he is also feeling jealous and removing comfort makes him feel happier. However I would get a special corner in the children's room for you to read with them. I hope you didn't give up their space to accommodate his children.

He's being a bit weird but I do sort of get that he feels that your bedroom isn't a family space. Why can't you read in the kids bedroom?

I’m conflicted. I tend to see my bed as a very private sanctuary. I can imagine feeling strange about other people’s kids using it. I wasn’t even welcome in my own parents’ bedroom so it might be a demarcation of space that he grew up with

My crappy old phone only let me see half the post 🙄
I thought you were asking about if you should find somewhere else to sit with the children (and I don’t think you should actually) but was making suggestions to compromise
my ex could be aright miserable bastard at bedtime, if he was tired and grumpy he’d sometimes be annoyed if the kids were in it, the ‘I’ve been to work all day I want a lie down, I’ve got to get up earlier than you..’
but I’d accept this as he’d had a long day and was snappy like we can all get at times and I gathered something similar from what I could see of the post.

Reading it all properly it does sound a difficult set up for you, and if there’s issues elsewhere in general then I’d probably be rethinking the living arrangements and/or the relationship.
I’ve never had to adapt to step children or another partner involved with mine, but I can understand there may be differing parenting styles and opinions, if these are causing tension I’m not sure it’s a living situation I’d be happy in, my children either

Objectively it does seem odd for him to object to you reading with your kids in the bed.

If he is potentially autistic himself, and sees his (side of the) bed as his safe space, then he may be genuinely distressed at sharing it with your DC - he has already accepted the morning cuddles, but perhaps this is something he is finding hard (as opposed to just being a twat).

his DC sound like they need a completely different evening routine to allow them to settle - this is likely to involve physical activity, In our house, this is when I spend time with my dc bouncing on an exercise ball, spinning, applying deep pressure - it’s a proprioceptive technique and does actually help them calm down and settle for sleep. but perhaps he does not have strategies for this so allows them to “run riot” (before I learnt about this, that is definitely how evenings felt in my house)

HOWEVER - this is on him to educate himself about how to support his DC.

if there is not enough space in the house for you to also give your DC what they need in the evening, a quiet space, chill time, reading etc. then this will be a daily issue for many years, and could be quite damaging to everyone.

I agree with other posters that you need to think about whether this blended family is working for everyone’s needs right now, at minimum, if you want the relationship to continue, I would be considering going back to separate houses until the DC are older.

that might feel like a difficult decision, and he may be resistant to further change (or worrying about how he copes with his DC without you) but you need to focus on your DC first.

My DSD used to go and watch telly and snuggle up in our bed all the time when she was younger if she didn’t want to join in the with communal activities downstairs. I loved it, on more than one occasion I snuck off to join her 🤣 your DO sounds a controlling, mean man and I echo those suggesting you think again about cohabiting.

The sitting on the bed is a small issue but if it's one of lots of little issues it will become a problem Op. Your already making accommodations for his DC as they're ND and your own DC are having to make them too, but your DP doesn't feel able to do the same for you.
If in time you feel your DC would be happier I'd get your own place Op

I suspect his controlling behavior will escalate quite fast OP. This is just the start.

Just because he didn't pass the ADOS doesn't mean he doesn't have rigid thinking/ ASD traits/ some aspects of autism. He just didn't hit every diagnostic criteria.