Am I being unreasonable?

[Mariopeach]

Long post guys sorry
Trying to figure out if I'm being an idiot or if he's in the wrong?
I've had a really difficult journey with step parenting and right now I feel like I'm at breaking point so I may just be feeling extra stressed right now than usual!

So the story is, I have 2 children & my OH has 2 children who spend 50% of their time with us. All 4 are very close in age.

In an evening, often I like to snuggle up on the sofa to watch tv or read with my 2 children for an hour or so before bedtime. Fairly normal I imagine for most families? His 2 children are autistic so they have no interest in doing these things at all. Again, normal and accepted.
However, often when my children and I are trying to read / watch tv, his children are generally being loud and bouncing around in the living room. This makes it impossible for us to concentrate on what we're doing so I started to take my children upstairs to sit on the big bed to read where it's quiet.
OH always had an issue with me doing this. He would get stroppy because I had gone to sit on our bed. I asked him why this was and he said he didn't like my children being in our bed. He said he didn't mind the fact that I had left the room to read in a quiet place but not to use our bed.
Now I totally understand that he wouldn't feel comfortable with my children sleeping in our bed at the same time as him, that's fine. But is allowing them just to sit on the bed to read when he's not in it such a problem?
I've explained to him that there isn't really anywhere else in the house where we could sit together to read. After a discussion, he said he understood and he was overreacting.
So onto last night, same thing happened and his 2 we're bouncing around the living room, screaming and dancing so I left them to it and assumed it would be ok to go sit on our bed after we discussed it.
Myself and my 2 had just got into our pjs and snuggled up on the bed when he came upstairs. He told my daughter to move and he removed the pillows from behind her leaving her without any, then left the room.
I didn't say anything infront of the children, we all just budged up onto my pillows and she went to fetch her cushion.
Once they were in bed, I asked him why he did that. He said "I didn't want my pilllows to be messed out of shape" he said this as he was fluffing his pillow to put it back on the bed after throwing it on the floor. He said "I've got a right to choose what happens on my side of the bed and with my pillows".
It caused a bit of an argument and today I haven't said anything further about it but I cant stop thinking about it.
Am I being totally unreasonable and an idiot for making a deal out of it? Do I just need to chill out and find somewhere else to sit?
I'm really struggling and I know seems like such a silly issue to fall out over when we could argue about much bigger things but this is just one of many little things that happen that I just can't get my head around and I feel like I'm going insane always wondering if I'm doing the right thing or not.
Big hugs everyone.

What's your living situation @Mariopeach?

Are you in your house or his?

Can you move out if you wanted to?

OP, please don't put your children through this kind of childhood. Their future selves will not look back kindly on your decisions.

I agree with this.

It's not working out the way he wants. It's not working out the way you want either. The kids are very different and not a good match to share a home.

The business with the pillow, so petty, childish and nasty. How unattractive.

can your kids just bring in their own pillows when you read and so not disrupting his? I think your partner is autistic and his children obviously are also. I wouldn’t live with someone in these circumstances I don’t think it’s fair on your children and I say that as a mum to 2 boys who have autism.

It's a tiny thing, but it's not. He clearly does not think of your dc as family which is massive. I wouldn't subject my dc to grow up in a house where they're not allowed in their mums bed. It's egg shells. Moving in together hasn't worked, move back out, carry on dating him if you want.

It's not the bedroom or the pillows... He simply resents the relationship you have with your dc... And before long that will spill over into resenting your dc..
Ime.
Ltb and don't look back.. He isn't a good egg...

This isn't personal to you OP but...
At the risk of seeming judgemental, is the decision to blend families ever made with the kids' best interests at heart? I can't see how. They now have to share everything, attention, space, budget, bedrooms, holidays with randoms they didn't choose so their mum and dad can live together.
The chances of the blend enhancing anyone's day to day lifestyle are so slim.

Eta: You and your other half are both resenting one another's kids already. You want away from his and he is jealous of yours.
Is it really worth it?

He sounds very immature. I wouldn't be feeling guilty about this. Just keep doing what you do and bugger him! Your girls are your priority and you sound like a lovely mum ❤

AuDHD here. I really hate anyone messing with my pillows. I know that probably sounds daft, and I probably sound precious. If my pillow doesn't smell or feel the same, it affects me being able to get to sleep. I already struggle with sleep, so any time my pillow has been messed with at all (laid on, sat on, accidentally had some sprayed over it) I have a very poor nights sleep. Which in turn makes the next day awful.

As this is important to me, I have communicated this to DH, and to my DDs. I have made sure we have spares, and if anyone needs to snuggle up on our bed, there are big cushions, and spare pillows available.

I think your DH needs to take some time to properly figure out why this is bothering him, and work out how to mitigate this. It would be unreasonable of him to expect you to stop this routine without providing an alternative, or trying to sort it out with you. He doesn't get to hog the bedroom, AND allow his DC to hog the living room, that isn't fair.

How about he makes a choice your kids stay on the bed or he parents his and stops them from behaving in a disruptive way so you can be downstairs . Either or, he can decide

Either he can take his kids to play in their rooms, or you go in the bed. He's not dictating that you can't use the sofa or bed. Ask him which he'd prefer, sitting uncomfortably on a kids bed while he let's the children run riot isn't on.

Tell him to buy some books his children are interested in and get them in the habit of being read to as well, it's good for all children and laziness on his part not to get them used to it. I read the same factual book about lions to our autistic DS for about 6 months at one point but it was enough to eventually form a routine where he will read other books now, if he doesn't put the effort in to make books part of their routine then it will impact their learning longer term. Whatever they're interested in there will be some book about on amazon, it doesn't have to be fiction to be beneficial.

He sounds weird.
I can't understand why your partner doesn't read to his kids. Why does he allow them to jump and bounce around the living room near bedtime, or any time, really? Jumping around is an out door activity.
I would not want my kids living with the distraction.
Maybe you need a house with an extra room, a quiet library.

It's not working @Mariopeach

Swallow your pride and you can undo the damage he has already done, and you have been complicit in. Start looking for a place for you and your children, or if this property is in your name put him on notice to leave. This may seem a trivial issue but it's far from it, it's indicative of your partner's genuine feelings towards your kids.

How do you think your DD felt when he took the pillows from behind her and threw them on the floor? So he was making it clear he didn't need them somewhere else, he just didn't want them touching her.

She may have said nothing but she felt she was repulsive, and that he didn't want her there, she sensed his disgust at her but couldn't understand what she'd done. Girls who grow up in this environment become so sensitive to perceived rejection that they remain in abusive relationships, and have low self esteem. Yes it may be that he's a lovely guy and it's down to undiagnosed autism, sensory issues, whatever. But he is an adult who can make choices for himself, she is a child who only has you to do that for her. Please stop this.

Yup

Honestly, do you think your kids are better off living in this situation? Have you asked them how they feel about it?

This does not sound like a beneficial situation for your kids.

I'd say he resents you cozying up with your kids chilling out while he's alone with his kids running riot. The removing pillows is just out of spite.

I really don't think this is good for your kids.

dont ask them ffs. You know it is a worse situation for them. Dont ask them to lie to you to make you feel better about putting them in it.

You need to find somewhere else to LIVE.

Not snuggle.

I agree with pp that your partner may also be on the dpectrum. But whether he is or not doesn’t really matter.

This is not a good relationship for you and your children. Your needs—their needs—take second place to his children and his wants. And you are already shrinking yourself to fit just to wedge quiet time with your children.

If you love this man ok, keep him. But move out (or kick him out) and don’t blend families. You and your children will always take a back seat to his.

Whose needs are currently being met in this situation? At the minute it sounds like all six of you are suffering.

Get your poor daughters away from this horrible cunt of a man.

The word shrinking here really made me stop and think. You and your children are already taking up less space to try to find the peace to read for 30 fucking minutes, and your partner was so angry about that he walked in to that space and disturbed it with his rudeness towards your child making her emotionally uncomfortable in order to make your child physically uncomfortable. He could have taken her pillow in eith him and swapped it, but he wasnt thinking about her he was thinking about himself. He wants you all even smaller. Hidden away in their bedroom.

I think this could be one thing in a long list of issues with him. I agree also that autistic people often mask until they either no longer can continue to do so or until is is no longer useful or worth it to do so.

Your little kids reading on the bed while he is elsewhere should not be an issue.

The issues are not the pillows or the bed. It’s something else