Am I being unreasonable?

[Mariopeach]

Long post guys sorry
Trying to figure out if I'm being an idiot or if he's in the wrong?
I've had a really difficult journey with step parenting and right now I feel like I'm at breaking point so I may just be feeling extra stressed right now than usual!

So the story is, I have 2 children & my OH has 2 children who spend 50% of their time with us. All 4 are very close in age.

In an evening, often I like to snuggle up on the sofa to watch tv or read with my 2 children for an hour or so before bedtime. Fairly normal I imagine for most families? His 2 children are autistic so they have no interest in doing these things at all. Again, normal and accepted.
However, often when my children and I are trying to read / watch tv, his children are generally being loud and bouncing around in the living room. This makes it impossible for us to concentrate on what we're doing so I started to take my children upstairs to sit on the big bed to read where it's quiet.
OH always had an issue with me doing this. He would get stroppy because I had gone to sit on our bed. I asked him why this was and he said he didn't like my children being in our bed. He said he didn't mind the fact that I had left the room to read in a quiet place but not to use our bed.
Now I totally understand that he wouldn't feel comfortable with my children sleeping in our bed at the same time as him, that's fine. But is allowing them just to sit on the bed to read when he's not in it such a problem?
I've explained to him that there isn't really anywhere else in the house where we could sit together to read. After a discussion, he said he understood and he was overreacting.
So onto last night, same thing happened and his 2 we're bouncing around the living room, screaming and dancing so I left them to it and assumed it would be ok to go sit on our bed after we discussed it.
Myself and my 2 had just got into our pjs and snuggled up on the bed when he came upstairs. He told my daughter to move and he removed the pillows from behind her leaving her without any, then left the room.
I didn't say anything infront of the children, we all just budged up onto my pillows and she went to fetch her cushion.
Once they were in bed, I asked him why he did that. He said "I didn't want my pilllows to be messed out of shape" he said this as he was fluffing his pillow to put it back on the bed after throwing it on the floor. He said "I've got a right to choose what happens on my side of the bed and with my pillows".
It caused a bit of an argument and today I haven't said anything further about it but I cant stop thinking about it.
Am I being totally unreasonable and an idiot for making a deal out of it? Do I just need to chill out and find somewhere else to sit?
I'm really struggling and I know seems like such a silly issue to fall out over when we could argue about much bigger things but this is just one of many little things that happen that I just can't get my head around and I feel like I'm going insane always wondering if I'm doing the right thing or not.
Big hugs everyone.

I would just leave him. Why subject yourself and your children to this? Imagine how liberating that would be - you could have a quiet house and enjoy the time with your two girls. They grow up fast.

Could you make a cosy, comfy reading area in their bedroom where you could all go and sit to read ?

Why the actual fuck should she?

And she has already said there is no room in their bedroom. They would be sat in the floor.

Unblend now and give your girls a loving calm home

Am I being totally unreasonable and an idiot for making a deal out of it?

NO @Mariopeach You are neither of those things.

To be honest, you do sound far too willing to accommodate your partner at the expense of both you and your children though. There is no way I'd be carrying on sharing a house with this man, after his behaviour towards my daughter with the pillow incident, if for nothing else.

How long is it since you moved in together? What do you mean by 'not long'? If it's your house, ask him to leave. His children can stay full time with their Mother until he sorts himself out.

What was the set up before you moved in together?

Seems to me there is every possibility that he saw you as a convenient extra person to look after his children and provide help for him.As in you would do it all, or most of it. 2 Autistic children will be hard going as a single parent - and you are not delivering what he thought he was going to get. Hence the anger.

If it's his house, I would leave to be honest. This situation is NOT going to improve, in my opinion, and you need to protect your children from this sort of environment. Your poor daughter. At the moment you are teaching her that an angry man needs to be appeased at all costs, instead of having healthy boundaries with one. So sorry

This is my take on things too.

I get the feeling OP regrets moving in with DP and I don’t blame her.

Your partner is too rigid to make blending work imo. He is acting like your kids were snacking in his bed when they were not.

I would move out and only date him if his rigidness hasn’t put you off. I suspect he’s actually angry that his kids aren’t having quiet cuddly time and that when you are looking after your kids, he’s forced to look after his kids. Prioritise your kids over this man baby.

I have a 7 year old little girl and she used to climb into bed with me in the morning etc.
Instead, we now go downstairs together in the morning for our cuddle and quiet time which we like.
As for bedtimes, she also had a mid-sleeper so too high for me to climb into.
I can’t imagine how it must feel for a little girl to have a “strange” man move in and start dictating where they can have their bedtime stories etc.
If your partner is so rigid that he can’t explain himself properly but won’t budge on “they can’t sit on my side of the bed” then you might have to tell him where to go.
The kids can’t suffer because the new guy says so.
If you really like him and want to be with him, could he stay at his house on the nights he has his children? x

Your post brought me out in a cold sweat OP.

With the benefit of hindsight, I would leave. I have recently split from my ex DP. I asked my son the other day if he missed our old house. He said no - he’s happy that he can be himself now, not worry what he says and not worry that ex DP is angry with him. It absolutely broke my heart and I feel terrible for putting him in that situation.

Bit of background - his youngest is very overpowering. He’s loud, talks over people, has to be the centre of attention. He’s being tested for autism, has early childhood trauma and a medical condition. My ex DP doesn’t instil boundaries and also doesn’t see a problem with his son’s behaviour. As far as he’s concerned, everyone else is the one with the problem. It’s exhausting being around the drama and chaos.

The shear level of noise was horrible, especially when he was on his Xbox, it made me feel on edge. My ex DP made me feel like I was the problem to not like the continuous shouting.

I could go on for days with examples but ultimately, that situation completely broke me. I was always on edge, I couldn’t relax. I couldn’t stick up for myself or my son. I ended up not trusting my own thoughts and feelings because my ex DP made me feel like I was being unreasonable. OP, I urge you to really listen to your gut feeling, I bet you know deep down you don’t want your children in this situation. It will only get worse. Sending strength to you x

I really appreciate everyone's posts. Thanks all for taking the time to reply.

My eyes have well and truly been opened and I definitely have some thinking / planning to do x

Thanks for the update Op. It's for the best for you and your DC

A lot of people don't like the idea of kids in their bedroom. Your bed and bedroom should be your sanctuary, your place of rest and escape from the world. I can totally understand your OHs point of view here.

The issue is, if he doesn't want the kids on the bed then he needs to step up and start parenting his kids so that you don't have to find somewhere else to read quietly.

Bedtime should be a wind down for everyone. If my DSD starts running around crazy at bedtime she's told to chill out and come and sit.

While I get your OHs boundary with his bed, he's also not provided any solution to the issue. He can't just ban the kids from his room but refuse to deal with his kids running riot in the livingroom.

My feeling is that your oh may be on the autism spectrum. He may have got involved with you because he wanted a relationship. Things have moved on and you moved in together.
You have 2 children and he has 2 kids with autism. His kids have their own challenges and are loud and active.
Your trying to have some quite time in the evenings before bed with your own kids and your bedroom allows this. He is not happy about this. He wants you in the living room helping with his kids rather than dealing with the chaos and noise himself. He is not working on improving his own kids but expects you to put up with his kids, the noise and doing what suits him.

I think that your been shown what life is like with him and this situation won't improve unless he is willing to compromise. Along with this he needs to get help or advice for his kids and how to deal with the noise, activity ect that they need. Unless he gets them some help and is willing to follow advice and work with them they will just get worse as they get older.

In your situation I would strongly consider moving out from where you live and live on your own with your kids. I think it would be far easier for you and your kid's.

Families don’t blend easily and if one set of kids has behavior problems and their parent chooses to externalise that by blaming the other adult for seeking to minimise their exposure to the behavior this is not going to work.

I think, OP, that DP is uncomfortable seeing you and your kids go off for your functional bedtime while his are running riot. If he’s ASD he will have rejection sensitivity too. You are choosing to sidle away rather than be ‘with’ him and his. If he’s undiagnosed and unaware he won’t know why he feels this way and he will make it about something he can tangibly see, like a pillow, and then also make it about you. I suspect he feels shame about his kids but does not want to confront that, feels rejected by you and doesn’t realise that, and it all feels bad and he can’t justify it logically. You are right to question it.

I tried joint weekends with my DP for about a year but our parenting styles were too different and we had very different expectations of our children. All the kids are ND but my approach has always been to implement max rules and structure and DP was more ‘because they have x they will do y and you have to accept them.’ Around bedtimes, eating, behaviour, this just didn’t gel. I persuaded DP to unblend because after a while all we were doing was bickering about kids. He thought I was criticising them and his parenting. I was unwilling to be shouted at, pushed and for my child to be bullied.

Once I left DP to it and made myself the girlfriend on his non contact days he took his shame specs off (no one around to make him feel shamed) and started dealing with his kids. I don’t see them very often but they are much better. ND men can also have a lot of shame about their own childhoods and this informs their parenting, unhelpfully.

Could it be time to unblend?

What’s his reason for you not being in the bedroom? How strange. He’s acting like a baby.

I think what he really wants is you to go downstairs and deal with his children. He doesn't like to see his children going wild while yours are behaving well and listening to stories. He will see that as a reflection on his parenting.

This. And I don't agree with the 'do everything together all the time' stance that often gets trotted out. You are doing nothing wrong OP

Sounds so familiar. Well done for your brave decision.

I got to the point where I scared myself about how much I felt I really didn’t like DP’s kids. Yes they are challenging but they have SEN and trauma and it’s really not their fault. So I felt very guilty and so for some time was willing to accept that I was being unreasonable.

But it’s not unreasonable to feel angry about a situation you are impacted by but ultimately cannot control (because you aren’t the parent). I realised this just in time to salvage the relationship - DP to his credit accepted the end of the blended family idea that made his life easier and mine harder and did start on boundaries. But if he hadn’t woken up I’ve had walked away too.

I count my lucky stars every day that we didn’t all move in together.

I would suggest from bitter experience at least two years of weekend and holiday experiments before blending.

Yes it’s financially worthwhile and you get more company but IME single dads generally don’t know what they are doing at least at first and are all too quick to target a single mum who they believe will do it all for them (but have no rights like an actual parent would to r change anything).

Also there is the big question of why a man who is kind and a great dad and involved father is divorced in the first place. The nice ones IME have either an abusive exw or they broke up because something went very wrong with their parenting and the stress of this destroyed the marriage.

So if one’s prospective single dad DP wasn’t the abuser himself he most likely has a high conflict exw and/or unmanageable kids. I think it’s best to be extremely cautious even with the nice ones.

OH always had an issue with me doing this

I'm really struggling and I know seems like such a silly issue to fall out over when we could argue about much bigger things but this is just one of many little things that happen that I just can't get my head around and I feel like I'm going insane always wondering if I'm doing the right thing or not.

He hasn't really given me an answer as to why he doesn't like it.

He said it would be better for us to sit on the floor in my little ones bedroom which I can do, I'm just not as likely to stay there for long with an achey back on the floor haha.

He does prefer it when all 6 of us are together

The excuses around pillows and sides of the bed are a red herring. He doesn't want you to be comfortable, because you being on the floor with an achy back means you're back downstairs sooner to help look after his kids.

I suspect that there are quite a few examples that seemed small and inconsequential, that now look like consistent behaviour from him to stop you spending time alone with your kids. And lots of what seemed like small compromises you've made to try and keep the peace, but when you stand back you realise that few (if any) are for the benefit of you or your children.

Could you get a bean bag and sit on the floor in the kids bedroom? Or some cushions/bolster cushions to use in their room?

I suspect he's a bit jealous and resentful that your kids are able to listen to you reading and his are autistic. This isn't something he would be able to say to you, as it's not your fault.

If he's otherwise okay as a stepdad and a partner, try and find a solution to this.

Another voice in strong agreement with this. We see this soooo many times on this board. NRP too scared or lazy to do any actual parenting, wants to be popular with their kids and everyone else in the house has to pay the price.

He's gone from being totally unreasonable to being really unpleasant about this. It's hard to see what you and your DDs get out of living with him. Can you move out/move him out?

Could you get a bean bag and sit on the floor in the kids bedroom? Or some cushions/bolster cushions to use in their room?
again, why the fuck should an adult woman in her own house sit on the floor because her partner doesnt want her in their bedroom or the living room?

How were his actions ‘ok as a stap dad’, when they werent even ok as an adult? raise your expectations.

I see on many threads with stepmums saying they want their bedroom as a sanctuary and safe haven where stepkids are not allowed in at all. It's up there in the top list of complaints from SMs.

I don't agree with banning kids from entering their parents room, but suddenly, when the genders are switched it seems okay here. This is the usual MN gender bias at play.

I can't count the number of posts where SMs are annoyed that stepkids set foot in the bedroom and they are always supported. By fellow SMs

The men generally prefer it when 'everyone's together'. It means they have to do less of the hard work.

I know not all men are like this but an overwhelming amount are!

I’ve got quite a lot of sympathy with adults wanting their bedroom to be kid free but the OP can’t use the communal spaces either. People are so conditioned to think this is ok they are genuinely posting “can’t you just sit on the floor op?” And “just get a lovely tent and go in there”. She doesn’t want to be in the bed either, she wants to be on the sofa but she can’t. If a step mother posted “I really hate my step kids rolling around in my bed. I feel this is a private space and none of the dc should come in our room” people would likely be sympathetic but if she posted posted “I really hate my step kids rolling around in my bed. I feel this is a private space and none of the dc should come in our room. I also don’t parent my dc properly so my dsc can’t actually read, chat or watch tv downstairs in the communal space. I could take my dc to their rooms as they are really noisy and stop sdc relaxing but I don’t. My dsc have high sleepers because space is tight but dh could easily sit and read on the garden wall or on the back seat of the car or he could just stop spending time with his Dc in the evenings and wash the dishes instead.” People may be less sympathetic.

whenever people say ‘if the genders were reversed…’ it is always some dumbass comment.