OH thinks I should be doing more

[KhakiGoose]

Throwaway account. I actually posted this on another step-parenting forum recently but wanted to get some more perspective as after yet another conversation with my OH about it, I feel like I’m going around in circles. This is going to be long, sorry.

I’ve been with my partner for a year now, we don’t live together and I have no plans to. I have DS13 and DS10 and he has one DS who is 4, and we both have 50/50. Our Sundays with our respective kids fall on opposite weekends so I spend my free ones with OH and his son.

I'll admit that when I met his son (very early on in the relationship which with hindsight I wasn't 100% comfortable with) I did put maximum effort in to everything the whole time we were together. Obviously I wanted it to go well and my OH was also super keen for us to start to 'bond’. His son is sweet enough but I find him very 'full on' and quite demanding of time and attention. For example he doesn't seem to be able to play by himself for even very short periods of time (he will start sobbing and saying he can't and doesn't know how to etc when suggested to him). When we are playing, all his games involve being very physical, pretending to be things (pirates, aliens etc), hide and seek, the floor is lava, that kind of thing. Even when we sit down and watch a movie or show, it's a constant running commentary on everything and just doesn't feel like a remotely relaxing experience. He's only recently in the last couple of weeks starting sleeping in his own bed consistently (after I pretty much insisted on it) and will still wake up needing OH a few times a night. I do also find him quite baby-ish in other ways, such as still having a dummy, having a bottle of juice at bedtime, using a buggy etc, but I try to keep my parenting preferences to myself if it's not directly affecting me (like the sleep issue was).

Anyway, for various reasons I haven't been sleeping well at all for the past 3 months or so, have been dealing with a few chronic health issue flare ups, and struggling a bit with anxiety. As a result I've been pretty exhausted. I work a fairly mentally demanding job, and as mentioned have two boys of my own who also have busy schedules. I've found myself starting to put some boundaries in place with my OH's son in terms of taking more regular breaks from playtime, taking myself off to the bedroom for some time to rest and decompress (between 15-30 mins for example), going to bed earlier if they’re having a late movie night or where possible having a lie in on a Sunday.

During a discussion about all sorts of life/parenting things, it's come to light that my OH isn't too happy that I've taken this step back. He feels I should be making more effort to play whenever his DS wants, and should be getting up with them when it's his Sunday as the kid is excited to spend time with me and it's unfair of me to 'lie in bed for hours' ignoring them downstairs. Aside from the fact that I'm particularly exhausted right now, l'm up by 6am five days a week and often take my DS's to football matches of a weekend or am facilitating their social lives and sleepovers etc, even when it’s not technically my weekend, (which I absolutely don’t mind). I feel like I'm entitled to spend the odd Sunday l actually have off, resting and recharging a little. For context I can only think of one occasion where I did stay in bed for a few hours when I was having a truly shitty day, more often than not l'll be up and about with them within an hour or so and will then spend the whole day with them. OH says he feels disappointed that I don't want to maximise my time with his DS, that he's tired too but just has to get on with it, and that he finds it hard not to be sad when DS is excited to spend time with me but l 'choose to sit on my phone ignoring him’ instead.

I've told him that I'm giving everything I have right now. It's not that I don't care, don't like him or his son, or want the relationship to go backwards. But I'm not a bottomless pit, I'm a human being with my own needs and wants and I'm struggling to give everyone and everything in my life 100% or even 80% right now because I'm so run down. He says he understands to a degree but has essentially told me that unless I can be all in, I should just stay at home when he has his son as he can't cope with the disappointment. My stance is that it shouldn't need to be so black and white, all or nothing. We should be able to compromise, he should be able to trust me that I'm not just being lazy and I will give as much effort as I possibly can (which yes may look different on any given day), and that it might perhaps be a valuable lesson for his son to learn that people aren't robots here to cater to his every whim every waking minute of the day.

Am I being selfish?

Sounds exhausting. Surely the benefit of 50:50 is that you get to recharge on your weekends off?

Agree with "minding the buggy". I'm sure plenty of us managed to take our toddlers to the park without anyone there to mind the buggy.

my OH seems to think I should just carry on until I drop despite being stood in the kitchen on his phone while this is happening.

Keep reading that and then question yourself as to why you have accepted this dynamic. He's doing the same in the park vaping and being on his phone while you run around.

You have been manipulated into being a mug, the question is - are you going to continue being a mug or are you going to find some self respect and leave this selfish, lazy, useless, manipulative and unkind manchild? Your relationship isn't going to last unless you give your soul to this man and that isn't fair on you, the young child or even your own children. Do you really think he will support you and your children when your health collapses? Of course he won't, there's nothing in it for him.

Crikey op. Claim back your own life.
He needs you more than you need him.

You are amazing and must really like your OH to be putting up with this. I was childless when I met my ex and was expected to do all the football routine every weekend for two pre-teens and was made to feel really guilty when I wanted to do something for me and told that weekends are 'family time'. My advice is to reset the boundaries now before its too late. It seems you are being mindful of creating a happy medium with weekends for the two of you without children but where is his compromise? Its fine to want to be a family unit but enough now with entertaining his child, you've done this with your children and if you are like me, sooo glad I am over that stage now! Its even more exhausting when its not your child, i'm sorry but it is. My ex also told me that he was divorced when he wasn't and had even had a relationship a month after he split up with his ex and then met me 8 months later. Looking back I was a mug, the thing i would do differently is to put clearer boundaries in and if they don't like it they can jog on. Good luck

You need to stop parenting your DP's child. It sounds as if parenting him has been wished upon you but it's not good for any of you. Parenting your stepchildren really isn't your business if they don't live with you.

Bloody hell! That's shocking. What a lazy arse, you are so the nanny here 😠

It’s not DS is excited to see you, it’s OH wanting you to take over and play with his child. He probably finds his child as demanding as you do, and when you are there he finds it’s easier to manage him.

stop staying on Sundays - it’s his kid, and his parenting (babying) of him is making him worst - let him do the playing. This is really not your issue.

And yeah, I had one like this, turned out hewasstill in the process of moving out. Same shit wih the kid. I feel terrible about it looking back 😢

Quite apart from the fact that YANBU at all, it seems unreasonable to me that you’re expected to be 100% part of looking after DSS but don’t feel you can tell DP your thoughts on 4-year-olds with dummies, being pushed in buggies, still having a bottle etc. Does his ex do all this too? Does DP realise how unusual it is? Presumably DSS will be at school soon - will he cope if he’s used to being babied?

I know step-parents aren’t meant to interfere with parenting, but I don’t think DP can have it both ways.

You think he lied about his relationship with his wife at the start of your relationship, You still don’t know the truth. he introduced you to his child early and wishes you to step parent his child early and frequently, giving you negative feedback.

All good reasons to stop dating him.

Thank you for all the comments and advice, going to read through them all properly now and try to answer any questions!

Yup all of this. He is being a baby. You look after you and let him deal with his own kid. Your not being selfish AT ALL

What does your OH do when the child says these things? Does he attempt to distract him or tell him that they can play together?

He does sometimes step in and take over, but only after he’s finished having his bit of time out and I don’t know if I’m being over sensitive but I feel like there’s a lot of huffing and puffing and big dramatic sighs when he does. A lot of the time though he seems to pretend he can’t hear it.

I agree with this start doing this a lot and as much as you need

OH seems to think I should just carry on until I drop despite being stood in the kitchen on his phone while this is happening.

Christ

How would that even work? Would you make your boys live at your BFs every alternate weekend, so they have three "homes" (their dad's, yours and your bfs) and are continually packing and unpacking?

Oh god no! If we were to swap weekends I would just spend mine with my kids and him with his DS and not see each other, there’s no way I’d be making my boys go over there or having to spend the whole time with a 4 year old.

Given his parents have had an acrimonious split, if he gets too attached to you, it’ll be extra traumatic for him. For his sake, you should both take it slowly.

This really, really worries me too. I think he’s already too attached to me for the length and seriousness of the relationship which is partly my own fault and I totally hold my hands up to that. I suppose I thought it would start out much slower than OH very quickly began pushing for and I just sort of went along with it because they both seemed so happy. I realise I’ve been quite naive with this.

Why is he allowed to take regular breaks (from his own child, no less), but you’re not? Have you not asked?

what's the MN phrase? oh yes "Nanny with a fanny"

You have been naive - as I was. I think the best way is to be not there at all for more of the time, so less ambiguity all round, and you can still be engaged with the kid. But ffs his dad should be as engaged.

My problem in your situation now (with the benefit of hindsight, which is a marvelous thing 😬) is that I would rapidly be losing respect for my boyfriend at this point. Everything is always the women's fault eith him, isn't it?

All of this. I wouldn't be able to respect a man like him. Doesn't it bother you that you still don't the truth?

@KhakiGoose from your post above
there’s a lot of huffing and puffing and big dramatic sighs when he does. A lot of the time though he seems to pretend he can’t hear it.

Urgh, just urgh. He's a lazy misogynistic twat. He sees parenting HIS dc as YOUR job. He's lied about fundamental things at the start of your relationship, and has pushed you into the role of stepmother. Just take a big step back and look at the bigger picture here op.

If you were to ask my OH, he’d tell you his ex did absolutely sod all for their child once she finished breastfeeding.
Ah, that old chestnut!

You've only been dating for a year and he is manipulating and guilt tripping you to look after his kid.
You've got your own shit going on and need to rest and recharge. Let him parent is own child.

My advice would be to him go as the longer you are together the more parenting he is going to expect and also he doesn't respect your need for self care. You are going to be a shadow of yourself in less than a year if you carry on.

I think your partner is taking advantage of your good nature and taking you for a ride.
He wants a woman to entertain his child while he plays on his phone or just does nothing because he can’t be bothered. He sounds like selfish arse to be honest. I would be staying at your own place when he has his child to stay over. Let him crack on with being a parent.

There’s been a few comments about the sleeping arrangement that I wanted to respond to as I don’t think I worded it very well in the OP.

When I say I insisted on him sleeping in his own bed, I mean that I insisted on consistency for him. So if OH had his DS say 3 nights over the week and I was there for one of them, he’d let him co-sleep for the other two and then suddenly try and get him to stay in his own bed on the other. Obviously this isn’t fair at all to the LO. Aside from the fact that none of us got any sleep because he was, naturally, really unsettled not being used to being in his own room, I was also worried it would lead to LO resenting me being there. I told OH it wasn’t something I felt comfortable with and that there were two options: carry on co-sleeping and I’ll either stay home or spend the day with them and then go home at bedtime, or, if he felt LO was ready, to work on getting him comfortable and settled in his own room all of the time whether I was there or not. I made it clear that for me, there wasn’t an option of continuing as we were, or me sleeping on the couch or in his sons bed, as had previously been suggested.

OH insisted he wanted me there and that it was ‘unfair’ to me to have to drive home at the end of the day together or not see each other at all. I assured him it wouldn’t cause an issue on my part and let him make the choice for himself.