SS Opened One Of My Gifts

[MelainesLaugh]

I don’t know if I’m just being unreasonable. Bearing in mind this isn’t a child we are talking about, he’s in his 20s. I had two SD with my first DH and I swore I’d never let myself get in this situation again because that was really awful and they used my stuff all the time without asking. However they are younger.

He was in the kitchen with DH today and he saw one of my gifts from my friend, still in its box. He commented on it and asked DH if he’d used it yet. I commented saying that was mine from my friend. He went ahead and opened it, took it out of the box and had a good look at it. Afterwards I commented I couldn’t believe he had opened my present and he said that he just wanted to look at it. DH said nothing, and he’s now gone out to take the dogs for a walk while I’m seething. Surely you don’t go into someone’s house and do that?!

He also made a big deal out of giving DH a really expensive gift, first time he’s ever given him anything major, and I got nothing. I wouldn’t have wanted anything, but it felt like it was just a big show in front of his new GF who he brought over for DH to meet.

I don’t know whether to just let it drop because I’m sure it’s past experiences with my ex SDs that’s making me feel like this, or whether I should comment to DH that it was out of order

But even token presents are time/money/stress. It all adds up. I’m glad people are starting to put their foot down with old school etiquette and “politeness” for the sake of it. If they don’t get you one, don’t get them one. They clearly don’t put as much importance on gift giving as you do.

But the dad’s bad parenting is still on display. When his son started opening up OP’s present, his dad should have told him to stop, but he didn’t.

So in this case bad parenting has played a big part.

@PeppyGreenFinch
You do realise that what you frame as " bad parenting " is simply your subjective opinion.
He didn't see it as something that needed to be mentioned because it wouldn't have bothered him.
We all have different boundaries. I am another who wouldn't have cared less if someone had had a look at my present, left out on the side. It would never have registered as anything notable.

Yes this, unless it's something really embarrassing in the box!! What's in the box???

It doesn’t matter what bothers him. It was OP’s property and she even said it was hers. He doesn’t get to ignore OP’s boundaries.

Both step-son and her DH ignored her.

Some of you will ignore what’s right to make a step-mother feel wrong.

EDIT: wring post quoted. Should have been@knittedosocks post

Surely, as a father, he should also have taught his dc to respect other people’s boundaries, even when they’re different than his?

Like the dh and ds don’t see an issue with opening a box that isn’t theirs. But they respect the boundaries of the OP that thinks it’s an issue.
Just like a friend if mine feels that a hug is inappropriate (between 2 female friends) agd I respect her boundary even though as a French person, it would never cross my mind it’s an issue.

Thats simply called respect.

Why would he know about this “boundary”? OP said she commented after he had opened the box to look at the gift. It’s not a universal boundary so nothing to do with parenting or respect.

You have a husband problem.
He is happy for you to be treated rudely in your home.

You are foolish to tolerate this.
Avoid men with children.
Its not difficult.

All this “boundaries” talk is totally bizarre, tbh. Who the hell has boundaries around boxes and who can open them?
Some people really astound me in their miserable pettiness.

It's so disturbing to me that people find that this behaviour is okay! I have 3 boys similar age and there is no way they would open something that doesn't belong to them. The only exception would be if it's something for the entire household like a hoover or microwave even then they would still ask me if they could open it first! It's unacceptable. I would tell DH how inappropriate it is and how either of them would feel if you opened something of theirs without consent.

Obviously everyone has different boundaries, but whilst most people know that going upstairs and rummaging round the OP's marital bedroom, or opening or reading letters/emails not addressed to them is generally not done thing, this is not that type of situation.

The step son asked if the item in question, which was open although still in its box, downstairs on view, had been used. He knew about it, what it was and didn't feel it was anything that could cause embarrassment.
The op doesn't say what the gift was, but I presumed something functional.

In this situation the only reason why it would have been rude was if the OP had previously explained how she strongly disliked people touching her things, full stop. If she had done so then yes, she may have a point about not respecting her boundaries.
If not then it's not a general boundary to which most families adhere, some may others may not but it certainly isn't a universal one.

I NEED to know what was in the box.

if it's something for the entire household like a hoover or microwave even then they would still ask me if they could open it first!
Bloody hell! Would they really? Why are you in charge of hoovers and microwaves?

Proving the point that EVERYONE has their own boundaries.

Controlling behaviour is not the equivalent of having strong personal boundaries.
They’re simply not the same thing.

I wouldn't call being 'precious' about your personal items controlling behaviour but everyone has their own points and opinions which is fine.

I’m not sure I understand, @MelainesLaugh - did he unwrap the gift paper? If do, yes, that’s bloody rude and I would be very pissed off. I love a nicely wrapped present.

Or did he open the packaging on an unwrapped gift - taking the cellophane off type of thing? That wouldn’t bother me much at all. I’d already ‘opened’ the gift.

Or - and this is a hanging offence - did he take the cellophane off, open the box and eat your chocolates?

Would you really count a hoover or microwave amongst your “personal” items?
Maybe that’s the difference between us 🤷🏻‍♀️

No I wouldn't! I think the OP over reacted but I don't think it's controlling behaviour, or the earlier poster about the hoover/microwave

Because they have been taught manners! It's my home and I buy everything in it. They are adults but that doesn't make it right for them to open something that may or may not be theirs. I wouldn't open anything of theirs so it's respectful either way. Not that the post was about general household items but my point is my kids were raised with a certain level of respect. which apparently this boy was not

Think this is a bit harsh, I've had step kids and they didn't like me BC I 'took their dad'.
I think eventually they found it hard not to like me as I'm a decent person, but they took the opportunity to delete me as soon as they could.

It's really not always the step parents fault.

But surely you don't give to recieve? You give because you want to - not because you expect something in return.

You could have spoken up at the time and said you would be opening it later, he can have a good look after you.

I thought you meant he unwrapped your present from scratch, not something that was already open, why did it bother you that his son bought his dad an expensive gift? How old is he anyway? I think his son has felt some vibes from you that you can't tolerate him. Do you have kids yourself?