SS Opened One Of My Gifts

[MelainesLaugh]

I don’t know if I’m just being unreasonable. Bearing in mind this isn’t a child we are talking about, he’s in his 20s. I had two SD with my first DH and I swore I’d never let myself get in this situation again because that was really awful and they used my stuff all the time without asking. However they are younger.

He was in the kitchen with DH today and he saw one of my gifts from my friend, still in its box. He commented on it and asked DH if he’d used it yet. I commented saying that was mine from my friend. He went ahead and opened it, took it out of the box and had a good look at it. Afterwards I commented I couldn’t believe he had opened my present and he said that he just wanted to look at it. DH said nothing, and he’s now gone out to take the dogs for a walk while I’m seething. Surely you don’t go into someone’s house and do that?!

He also made a big deal out of giving DH a really expensive gift, first time he’s ever given him anything major, and I got nothing. I wouldn’t have wanted anything, but it felt like it was just a big show in front of his new GF who he brought over for DH to meet.

I don’t know whether to just let it drop because I’m sure it’s past experiences with my ex SDs that’s making me feel like this, or whether I should comment to DH that it was out of order

Some people are using ASD as a form of advertising I really don't understand it.

Well I don't think he should have touched it at all. It wasn't his and not up to him , never mind what happened to the box. I think it was deliberate. Step everything in families can be so spiteful and malicious, I know!

I was brought up not to touch things which are not mine.

Pretty pathetic really. He opened a box to look at the contents 🤷‍♂️

you’ve kept the details of the present vague, I’m presuming on purpose because it makes you look even more unreasonable than you already do?

this! what does "ripped open" mean?

I'm envisioning something like hair straighteners or a mixer or something in a box. It would be different if he had unwrapped a wrapped gift but honestly I'm really struggling to imagine getting worked up about someone taking that sort of thing out of its box to have a better look at it. Where's the harm in that? tbh even if he damaged the box (and it sounds a bit unlikely for a grown person to be so eager in opening something that he destroys a box), does it really matter? He didn't damage the item, you were presumably going to take it out of the box at some point to use it anyway, does it matter who does the ceremonial first unboxing? At the absolute max it might have been more polite to ask you if he could have a look at it but really not a huge deal.

Also don't see any issue at all with him buying his dad a nice present. How long have you been together? If he doesn't really see you as a stepmother but just someone his dad got together with when he was already in his teens (and whom he's never lived with, for example, seeing as you said he went into your house) then I wouldn't expect him to get you much/anything tbh.

Was the item something u would prefer to keep clear of others touch? I would ask him 'so what do you think?' if he replies nicely eh it's nice I might get one etc u know his intention ok

I think it's down to character rather than age.

I have family members who are in their 50's and 60's who have never returned a gift.

I think his existence is the cause of OP’s anger.

As it should be! Children (regardless of age) should always come first - even more so when your partner so blatantly dislikes the child!

Quite.
I wonder what her dh was supposed to do/say, when his adult child had the temerity to look at a gift his wife had been given?
The lives some people must lead, to imagine he should have “stepped up” 😳
Baffling.

Ps u could tell him how kind he was to give his dad such a great gift. Oftentimes a step parent IS found likeable by a step kid but there is a feeling of disloyalty towards their birthmum every time they find you ok company. Bear that in mind and good luck. Ps you and hubby are an item legally so you can convey that by giving feedback on hubby's gift.

I'm glad that I come from a "don't touch other people's stuff" background.
Also, Mumsnet is generally not the place to come to in order to validate manners, boundaries or regular bathing.
Even a husband shitting/pissing the bed after being drunk has been minimised if he only does it once a year.
OP you are in the right.
But you are also in the wrong because this has to be far from the first time that your SS has passed his place without being called out; therefore you unwisely lacked foresight with the fact that it is usually a pile up.of "little things" that ruin a relationship via resentment.
Having a similar domestic ethos as a partner is of optimum importance to a happy relationship.

Why didn't you say something when he started to open it but expect your husband to say something? You had a poor relationship with your SD and now with SS do you think there is any chance the issue is you?
It was rude of him to open the box but the way you have written it is a bit exaggerated to the actual event - he didn't unwrap a present but instead opened a box - you could have stopped him if it bothered you so much - however, you shouldnt need to tell him

I'm with you Op.

He shouldn't be touching your gifts without asking, let alone opening them up.

I once won a school raffle and the prize was chosen for me as we had left. It was collected (with my DS) by my boyfriend (not DS dad) whilst I was at work the following day. Came home to find it was a hamper of kids toys and all the toys had been opened from their wrap and blister packs by BF to show DS. Some of the toys weren't age appropriate and could have been kept for later and some including things he already had, could have been regifted. I was both furious and frankly gobsmacked that he had opened my raffle prize, let alone opening all the stuff inside.

Whew glad to get that off my chest.

I don’t see the issue 😬

My dd is 21…still pretty immature and doesn’t buy family gifts. I wouldn’t see the issue with her looking at one of my gifts, it’s not as though they unwrapped a gift from under the tree, they haven’t ruined the surprise? You would have opened it eventually anyway?

I think he was rude to open it without asking, but also it depends what the item was. New phone, definitely shouldn't have opened it. New kitchen timer, not so much of an issue.

However, you shouldn't be here complaining about it, you should have said, 'I'll open that, thanks' amd held your hand out for him to pass it to you. Just be straight with people and you'll avoid all this drama.

My mum got a candle for Christmas and I opened it to have a sniff. Quite normal I think? Didn't damage the box though and put it straight back.

If you Dad had anything about him he’d have stepped up and punched your lights out 😉

Baffling that so many women need a man to speak for them. So many women who think OP shouldn’t be expected to use her words to ask SS to put it down as she was looking forward to unboxing it later on.

Yes and probably a few people in the shop might have sniffed it too.

But would you have opened a cellophane wrapping or broken the box seal without asking your mum if you could first?

There is no way in the world my DSC would ever have done that because DH has excellent boundaries and he would have been furious.

The relationship is irrelevant to me. Someone came into your home and acted entitled with things that didn't have anything to do with them.

If I went to my best friends house and they had something I wanted to "look at" I would still manage basic manners "ooh, can I open the box?"..... Anyone else would also get a "please" lol.

Removing all the other emotions I don't think you are being unreasonable. However I think you probably need to let it go for this time. Make your partner speak to his kid about his manners privately....... Or you can do it in front of the new girlfriend. That should send the message that you don't like him to them both.

Honestly OP, you don't appear to have the type of personality that can slot in with a pre made family. That's the long and short of it.

Your step children will always annoy you because in close happy families, where parents and adult children get on, they will always maintain the number one spot.

I'm not talking blatant spoiling of anyone, or children who make demands and behave badly but that unspoken rule that they can be themselves in their parent's home and don't have to constantly check their behaviour, because they are fine to be themselves. They have been brought up by that parent, who presumably set their boundaries.

In your case you evidently are more precious with your possessions than is the norm with your partner. He didn't say anything because it probably wouldn't have bothered him at all.

So you can explain to your step son that you don't appreciate having your things handled, and that's perfectly acceptable, but be wary that if you have too many little things that irritate you but would be perfectly fine for others, and this is a prime example, then it won't do your relationship any good.

No one in my family would care about someone else having a look at a gift that had been unwrapped. I also didn’t get presents for my parents (married and biological) as a young adult and yes it was having a serious relationship which affected how I felt about my role in the family. Do now and we’re a very tight knit warm happy family.

All this to say, that, you feel as you feel but you are reading things into this interaction and taking offence where others might not and where none might be intended.

Best comment, not just on this thread, but overall - I wish people would copy it and paste it somewhere they could see. Thank you! Actually, works both ways - i.e. not everything good in children is down to parenting and not everything bad in them is down to parenting. Thank you for reminding us.