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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DD says that Ex husbands girlfriend yells at her

80 replies

Mensuckbigtime · 27/12/2024 17:55

Hi Everyone
I am not a stepmother and have never been one. Just looking for advice here.

ExH and I have recently divorced, marriage ended two years ago when he said he wanted a divorce and I later discovered he was having an affair.

The OW moved in with Exhusband soon after I moved out and as we split the children (two DD, aged 6 and 3) 50-50, she spends considerably time.with our girls.

I've met her a few times in the past, she was just a friend of my ExH back then...

Otherwise I know nothing about her.

Older DD just told me that the girlfriend yells at her and that it scares her.

I questioned her about it, she said that it's fine with girlfriend when the two girls aren't fighting (which they often do, typical sibling behaviour), but that the girlfriend often screams at older DD when the girls argue amongst each other.

I asked DD if this was a regular occurrence, she said yes and she said it scares her and she then goes to her room and cries and that her DF then comes and consoles her but that he has never said anything to his girlfriend (in front of DD, he may have spoken to his GF when the girls are in bed/not there).

DD also said that girlfriend sometimes.grabs her to stop DD from running away when she is being told off by the girlfriend...

My relationship with my ExH is not good, I know very little about his girlfriend.

What do I do now?

I know that obviously the girlfriend will also have to "tell off" the girls once in a while (or maybe not, I know nothing about being a stepmother), but I wouldn't want anyone to yell at my children whether it's one of my family members, a Kindergarten teacher, teacher or anyone else.

So I do find it quite disturbing what my DD has told me.

I know that children often "stretch reality"...
I told DD that I would have to speak to her dad about this and she said "yes, do that"

What to do now?

Thanks for any replies and just to be clear, no, I don't like the girlfriend because she had an affair with my then husband and obviously I am not to keen on my ExH, but this is not about the affair, it's about the girls.

And advice would be very much appreciated!

OP posts:
Chowtime · 27/12/2024 18:03

Speak to both of them, your ex and her, at the same time. So they can't get a story made up. When you go to pick the kids up ask if you can come in and discuss something thats concerning you. Then have a proper adult discussion about it and try to get to the bottom of it.

I know siblings bicker, but actually, I don't think fighting is normal child behaviour. Have you spoken to them about that?

Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 27/12/2024 18:05

Chowtime · 27/12/2024 18:03

Speak to both of them, your ex and her, at the same time. So they can't get a story made up. When you go to pick the kids up ask if you can come in and discuss something thats concerning you. Then have a proper adult discussion about it and try to get to the bottom of it.

I know siblings bicker, but actually, I don't think fighting is normal child behaviour. Have you spoken to them about that?

Edited

Well, when I say "fight" I mean the likes of "it's.my barbie, you can't play with it" "leave me alone"

That kind of thing, sometimes the pull each other's hair...

They don't punch each other.

OP posts:
Marblesbackagain · 27/12/2024 18:06

If someone put a hand on my child I would report it. I would be saying very loudly at their front door to not yell at my children nor touch them again. And I would make sure there was an audience.

Nobody puts a hand in my children. What an awful individual

Chowtime · 27/12/2024 18:08

Marblesbackagain · 27/12/2024 18:06

If someone put a hand on my child I would report it. I would be saying very loudly at their front door to not yell at my children nor touch them again. And I would make sure there was an audience.

Nobody puts a hand in my children. What an awful individual

See, thats the exact hysterical fish-wife reaction you need to avoid if you want to have a half reasonable relationship with your ex for the rest of your childrens childhood.

NovemberMorn · 27/12/2024 18:12

If your daughter is really scared when your ex husbands wife shouts, I think you need to have a conversation with her and your ex....as calmly as possible.

I wouldn't like a child of mine to be frightened of anyone that is supposed to be looking after them, it's not right.

Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 27/12/2024 18:13

Like I said, this is not about my relationship with her ir him, it's about what I should be doing...

Am I bring unreasonable for not wanting the GF to yell and grab my child?!

How do other GF's/stepmother's do it? Do you yell at your stepchildren?

Like I said, I don't want anyone to yell at my children..
Correct "bad" behaviour yes... but not shouting

OP posts:
Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 27/12/2024 18:15

NovemberMorn · 27/12/2024 18:12

If your daughter is really scared when your ex husbands wife shouts, I think you need to have a conversation with her and your ex....as calmly as possible.

I wouldn't like a child of mine to be frightened of anyone that is supposed to be looking after them, it's not right.

We don't really talk and if I told him that I needed to speak to both of them, he wouldn't facilitate it

OP posts:
Chowtime · 27/12/2024 18:16

Go and talk to them. Calmly. Clear the air.

Make it very clear that you won't tolerate raised voices and hands on your kids and that there will be consequences if such things happen going forwards.

MikeRafone · 27/12/2024 18:18

I’d send an email

that way it’s clear and concise

he can’t change what you said at a later date

dear ex

hope you’ve had a good Christmas.
dd has come home complaining of your g/f shouting when she is naughty & at times restraining her. Whilst I realise she needs reprimanding when naughty, it seems that possibly this tell off is on the harsh side, it might be best to not restrain dd if this is what’s happening. It’s frightening dd. Hopefully the telling off could be diluted a tad. It’d be great if dd and your girlfriend have a positive relationship as they spend considerable time together.

Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 27/12/2024 18:22

The yelling is one thing, but the restraining is another.

If I ever saw anyone restraining my child, I'd go ballistic

OP posts:
Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 27/12/2024 18:22

Chowtime · 27/12/2024 18:16

Go and talk to them. Calmly. Clear the air.

Make it very clear that you won't tolerate raised voices and hands on your kids and that there will be consequences if such things happen going forwards.

He won't facilitate it.

It's his worst nightmare, me and the OW together...

OP posts:
Everintroverte · 27/12/2024 18:23

"step-mum" here although we do not use that term. I do not get involved with disciplining my partner's kids or telling them what to do. I leave it mainly to my partner. I may, on the odd occasion, suggest that we all get coats, shoes etc on when going on or that we all tidy the room if it's particularly messy. The only time I have ever shouted was when one nearly walked out into the road without looking.

Everintroverte · 27/12/2024 18:24

Sorry, meant to add. You need to speak to them both together (maybe with daughter around for some of it depending on age) explore what's happening and without daughter present set your boundaries. Discipline to be done by dad only.

Marblesbackagain · 27/12/2024 18:37

Chowtime · 27/12/2024 18:08

See, thats the exact hysterical fish-wife reaction you need to avoid if you want to have a half reasonable relationship with your ex for the rest of your childrens childhood.

Show quote history

Excuse me _fish wife , manners you want to be introduced some day.

Ensuring there are witnesses is to protect my child! You ignorant shameful individual.

Someone puts their hand in my child it's assault. It is illegal to here, poor child if that's your attitude to assault.

Marblesbackagain · 27/12/2024 18:40

MikeRafone · 27/12/2024 18:18

I’d send an email

that way it’s clear and concise

he can’t change what you said at a later date

dear ex

hope you’ve had a good Christmas.
dd has come home complaining of your g/f shouting when she is naughty & at times restraining her. Whilst I realise she needs reprimanding when naughty, it seems that possibly this tell off is on the harsh side, it might be best to not restrain dd if this is what’s happening. It’s frightening dd. Hopefully the telling off could be diluted a tad. It’d be great if dd and your girlfriend have a positive relationship as they spend considerable time together.

Seriously? Child is afraid hands layed and you are apologetic for contacting them? Honestly, protect your children, spell it out. Assault won't be ignored.yelling not acceptable, your child is at the hands of a person who has scared her and your attitude is an apologetic email 🤦‍♀️

Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 27/12/2024 18:41

Do I need to talk to my lawyer?
I'm scared that if I raise it with Exh, he will just tell DD to keep quiet.

OP posts:
Marblesbackagain · 27/12/2024 18:43

Mensuckbigtime · 27/12/2024 18:41

Do I need to talk to my lawyer?
I'm scared that if I raise it with Exh, he will just tell DD to keep quiet.

Well of she disclosed that it will ring alarm bells.! Raise it and warn him if a mandated individual becomes aware the girlfriend might be answering questions from SS or the police.

Maybe she should be made fear like she inflicted.

mikado1 · 27/12/2024 18:44

I'd inagine t that she is doing more parenting that your ex and as a result is frustrated with the dc, when it is their dad that should be dealing with these issues..
Either way, obviously this is not acceptable and you'll have to say something but I can see it's not an easy fix for you at all.

BettyBardMacDonald · 27/12/2024 18:44

Mensuckbigtime · 27/12/2024 18:41

Do I need to talk to my lawyer?
I'm scared that if I raise it with Exh, he will just tell DD to keep quiet.

Yes, talk to your lawyer. If the child is routinely frightened and being manhandled by the girlfriend, there's a big problem.

Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 27/12/2024 18:46

I asked her several times, if she was telling fibs, she said no and she said that her heart feels better now for telling me

Oh Lord, my poor child

OP posts:
fuzzylegs33 · 27/12/2024 18:49

My dh is my ds stepdad and he has yelled at him before. However he would not lay hands on him. It's totally unacceptable.

Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 27/12/2024 18:55

fuzzylegs33 · 27/12/2024 18:49

My dh is my ds stepdad and he has yelled at him before. However he would not lay hands on him. It's totally unacceptable.

My DD said, she sometimes grabs her in a playful way and "throws" her on thr couch in a fun way, but when she's cross and my DD tries to run away, she "grabs" her to stop her from running away into her room

I don't really know how to "question" my daughter about this
I feel bit overwhelmed at the moment

OP posts:
Gymmum82 · 27/12/2024 18:56

I would send a polite and concise text message
‘Sophie has been telling me that Sarah yells at her and she is scared of her, she also says that she grabs her when she’s trying to tell her off and that you have to go and console her. Obviously this isn’t ok and it needs to stop. I’m sure you don’t want Sophie to be scared of her step mother either. I’m happy to have a sit down conversation with the pair of you to resolve this or leave it with you to find a better way for her to discipline the girls should it ever be necessary’

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 27/12/2024 19:02

Mensuckbigtime · 27/12/2024 18:46

I asked her several times, if she was telling fibs, she said no and she said that her heart feels better now for telling me

Oh Lord, my poor child

I'd tell him what's happened. Tell him if it happens again you will contact the police or social services - she must not shout of get hold of your child, ever.ĺ

MistletoeAndWine123 · 27/12/2024 19:17

Gymmum82 · 27/12/2024 18:56

I would send a polite and concise text message
‘Sophie has been telling me that Sarah yells at her and she is scared of her, she also says that she grabs her when she’s trying to tell her off and that you have to go and console her. Obviously this isn’t ok and it needs to stop. I’m sure you don’t want Sophie to be scared of her step mother either. I’m happy to have a sit down conversation with the pair of you to resolve this or leave it with you to find a better way for her to discipline the girls should it ever be necessary’

This far too polite... I would not be calling her their step mother, and I would not be saying that she can discipline them, that's not her place. I would be saying that if it doesn't stop immediately I will be contacting SS.