DD says that Ex husbands girlfriend yells at her

[Mensuckbigtime]

Hi Everyone
I am not a stepmother and have never been one. Just looking for advice here.

ExH and I have recently divorced, marriage ended two years ago when he said he wanted a divorce and I later discovered he was having an affair.

The OW moved in with Exhusband soon after I moved out and as we split the children (two DD, aged 6 and 3) 50-50, she spends considerably time.with our girls.

I've met her a few times in the past, she was just a friend of my ExH back then...

Otherwise I know nothing about her.

Older DD just told me that the girlfriend yells at her and that it scares her.

I questioned her about it, she said that it's fine with girlfriend when the two girls aren't fighting (which they often do, typical sibling behaviour), but that the girlfriend often screams at older DD when the girls argue amongst each other.

I asked DD if this was a regular occurrence, she said yes and she said it scares her and she then goes to her room and cries and that her DF then comes and consoles her but that he has never said anything to his girlfriend (in front of DD, he may have spoken to his GF when the girls are in bed/not there).

DD also said that girlfriend sometimes.grabs her to stop DD from running away when she is being told off by the girlfriend...

My relationship with my ExH is not good, I know very little about his girlfriend.

What do I do now?

I know that obviously the girlfriend will also have to "tell off" the girls once in a while (or maybe not, I know nothing about being a stepmother), but I wouldn't want anyone to yell at my children whether it's one of my family members, a Kindergarten teacher, teacher or anyone else.

So I do find it quite disturbing what my DD has told me.

I know that children often "stretch reality"...
I told DD that I would have to speak to her dad about this and she said "yes, do that"

What to do now?

Thanks for any replies and just to be clear, no, I don't like the girlfriend because she had an affair with my then husband and obviously I am not to keen on my ExH, but this is not about the affair, it's about the girls.

And advice would be very much appreciated!

When she's back in school I'd ask school to talk to her about it. That way it's a third party and the safeguarding person can decide if it's something or nothing. If you talk to Ex and his girlfriend they may accuse you of getting her to make it up or pressure Dd into shutting up about it all.

It’s not ok for anyone to shout and threaten a child, nor is it ok that your DD is scared. There are better ways to resolve behaviour that is challenging from children and adults should know that. It sounds like the girlfriend isn’t being challenged-exH needs to do that not you. I’d tell him DD is being shouted at and is scared.

what you can do is support DD. Believe her. Praise her for telling you. Keep your lines of communication open. Tell her what is happening is wrong. Tell her it isn’t her fault this happens. It’s below the threshold for any intervention but that doesn’t make it right.

That's what I'm worried about. I'm worried that DD will be told off or that the GF will be upset with her or something along those lines.
I don't want DD to get into trouble if you know what I mean

DD has only just started school, so I don't know of she trusts her teacher enough yet (we don't live in the UK)

That's what I said to DD, than noone is allowed to do that that I'm glad she's told me and that I am there to always protect her

I've got a stepdaughter who is now 15 but was only 4 when I started a relationship with my now husband.
I have never shouted nor grabbed at her.
The only behaviour parenting I've ever done has been along the lines of..
Age 4, If you keep leaving your Barbie's all over the house I'm going to have to phone Miss Hanagan! (From Annie) to come and collect you! She used to find this very funny.
She's 15 now and our current one is.. Come on Kim Kardashian tidy your sodding washing away.
Anythink serious (can't think of any) I'll tell her dad to have a word.
If your daughter is telling the truth and her dad has to console her because of his girlfriend's treatment I'd be worried to be honest.
You need to speak to both of them together and bring it up, I would make it very clear to her that she is not to ever scream and scare your children.
Going forward you and your ex need to learn how to co parent and communicate properly.

Such a tricky one. I love how balanced you are and open to the idea that kids can stretch the truth.

I appreciate lines of communication with dad are not great however when there is kids involved sometimes you have to communicate. It would seem you are up for doing this?

id maybe at pick up or drop off as likely the only chance you have to speak to him without the gf you in front of your daughter ( maybe pre discuss and encourage her to be comfortable enough to repeat what’s been said to you) approach it that way. Say oh mark, hold on a second please, Beth and I need a quick word. Ask Beth if she’d be ok to tell daddy what you told mum and if she isn’t I’d let her go in and repeat what’s was said.

I think you got this mumma 🥰

Step mum here and I would tell my step kids off if needed. If they are in my home then I also get to tell them off as far as I’m concerned when their dad isn’t around.

If they are fighting and not listening then I will raise my voice. You don’t get to monitor how they/she tells the kids off.

However I don’t agree with her grabbing them if they run off, although I don’t think it’s acceptable for kids to run off when being told off either. If I’m telling my kids off I don’t expect them to run away when I’m chatting to them.

Your ex has already seen the behaviour and obviously doesn’t think it’s a problem.

Id send him a text and ask what’s going on.

Ah this is heartbreaking for you op.

I would send a very clear email stating what has been reported. Factual.

State the next steps if there is no resolution would be to seek professional advice, be that social services or a solicitor i do not know which

I like the second one above. I'd add the quote about her heart feeling better now she has told you.

You also need to talk to your daughter about no secrets ever. You can also tell her that she should let you know if she is shouted at. You should disclose this to your ex I feel

Do you know how the parenting is split between them?

My friend has kids with her new partner and is also step mum to his two from previous relationship 50% of the time. They have a very traditional relationship, she's a sahm and does all the childcare including his two whilst he works full time and enoys his hobbies . So she parents the kids exactly the same as she does her own, including yelling at them and probably restraining on occasion.

I know MN believes step mums aren't supposed to discipline the kids but really it's up to their dad to decide who is in charge during his care. So if it's the GF and that is her parenting style it needs an adult discussion with dh about you being unhappy with that parenting style. Note DH not the GF.

Yelling at kids and restraining them isn't great parenting but if it was considered grounds for removing them from the home there'd be a hell of a lot of kids in care. If DH is OK with that parenting style and it's not at a level that'd be classed as abuse I'm not sure what you can do.

I appreciate this and I would never want to be a stepparent for that (and other reasons)

However, I feel that if my child tells me that the GFs behaviour is scaring her, than I feel it's within my rights to say something about it /question it. My child didn't ask for this and it's tough enough as it is, so I do feel.like I need to raise the issue with him.

Teachers may yell at kids and that might be their prerogative (??), but I would.still try and talk to them to see if there are other ways to address "bad" behaviour.

My DD will also run away from me when I address something and I never take hold off her because I feel it's ok for her to simmer down in her room and then we talk about the situation once everyone has calmed down.

Respect is one thing, fear is another and the dynamics are just different (I grew up with a stepmother and hated it, so maybe I am "tainted")

Thanks for your input!

I agree with you, send him a message and ask about it, I also agreed she shouldn’t be grabbing them.

But you need to realise that you don’t have the final or any say in their house. If they want to raise voices to tell them off when they misbehave then they can.

Just because you let your child run away from you when you are telling them off doesn’t mean it’s the right way either. I don’t find it acceptable for a child to walk or run away from me when I’m having words with them. Specially if they are misbehaving. Everyone does things differently and no one is right or wrong. You will need to accept that they will do things different to you and you may not like it but most of the time there won’t be anything you can do about it. This is just the beginning of things to come.

I hope you get things sorted.

You don’t have proof & if you go in all guns blazing it’ll really end up as a much more difficult situation for the children

if you want someone to do something to you it’s not always wise to attack, it most often makes them attack back.

Get legal advice on this. The situation is harmful to your kids.

Yup, I'm really looking forward to the future... not...

I know I can't change it, but I will raise it like probably most parents would.

My children didn't choose this neither did I, so I will speak to him about it (obviously knowing that he might continue to be okay with her form of disciplining)

I just don't want my children to suffer anymore than they already do.

I just believe that trying to talk to a child when they are not able to listen to you/take in what you have to day is pointless.

It's.like trying to reason with a toddler who is screaming because they couldn't get an ice cream...

DD is 6, so really still pretty young

If you have reason to believe that the GF is harming their wellbeing you have the right to refuse to let them stay at their dad's. But you would need to go to a court, with evidence. See this link
www.crispandco.com/site/blog/crisp-co-blog/can-i-legally-stop-my-ex-introducing-a-new-partner-to-my-child

"If you need to stop your child being around someone due to safeguarding concerns, a voluntary agreement is not likely to be sufficient. Instead, you would need to apply to a court for a Prohibited Steps Order. This is a court order that can prevent a parent from taking a specific action with regard to a child, such as allowing them to be around a certain person specified in the order as well as stopping access to a child in other ways."

Fighting is totally normal for some children.

Putting eyes on her protects the child, sadly some thing my mother had to learn.

That’s fine and I think dealing with things in the moment is better, each to their own.

If you can communicate with each other well then just ask to speak to him for a few mins alone. If you cannot do this then a concise text: the girls have told me that x,y and z have happened on more than one occasion. I'd like to speak with you about it to try and get to the bottom of what's happened. I understand that kids fib sometimes but they seem genuinely scared of gf, are you aware of this? Obviously it's better for us to talk in person but it goes without saying that it's unacceptable for anyone to put their hands on our daughters or make them feel scared in there own home.

See what he responds with and if he doesn't take it seriously then take advice form a lawyer about if it's appropriate to even be sending them there. Personally, I wouldn't send my kids back until it's sorted.

I presume xH’s GF has no experience with children as you have young children. I think it is wrong that your xH has brought someone new into their lives so soon, we waited 2.5 years.
We we happily sitting having dinner yesterday and suddenly I had to slightly restrain DSD as she was scratching DP‘s face because he wouldn’t let her have an internet hotspot from his phone, but I never yell at them, and she was about to fall from the chair she had climbed on to do it. It does depend on the circumstances.
However later, I got a hug, a thank you that I’d stopped her from falling and a sorry that she hadn’t been kind to dad. So I doubt she will run to her mum and say I was nasty.
I’ve never yelled at my own DD so won’t with DSD but if I find behaviour unacceptable when I am with them I will tell them in a firm voice.
DP and I have discussed what is acceptable from me together but maybe we are different in that way plus he knows I’ve dealt with these ages with my own DD.

I think you need to talk to DD about what is ok and not ok from a step parent. Yes telling off is ok, yelling and putting her hands on her isn’t. Make sure she understands if her dad tells her off for talking about what happens at his house and asks her to keep secrets that it’s still ok to tell you, because you can’t help if you don’t know.
I would give her dad the option to have a conversation together, don’t put DD in the room at the time that’s cruel. If he won’t talk then go to social services and get support in making any necessary changes.
It sounds like his is dumping all the child care on his partner.
Does DD like going to see her dad?

Yes, she does. She loves her dad and had said that when she and her sister are in a "good mood" (I'm guessing not bickering), that's it's nice with GF

That's what I am so worried about... my relationship with ExH is really bad and he always tells me how wonderful everything is in his home (I guess maybe he does actually feel guilty about what has happened so now has to "prove" that it's all working out for the girls).

I'm worried that ExH and GF might be "pissed off" at my DD foe telling me.i.just don't want her to be made to feel bad about telling me.

As I mentioned earlier, I had a stepmother (similar story, my dad had an affair with her) and my dad was forever in a "battle" between pleasing her and pleasing me and I always felt that I was less important to him than she was.

I don't want to project my experience on my children, it just worries me

The girlfriend should not have to be in a situation where she has to discipline your children. Their father should not leave her in that situation.
He should be looking after them, keeping them safe, attending to their scrums and asking them to be respectful of other people.

Maybe your daughters are at their father's place for too many days per week. Are there times when he is at work and when his girlfriend is alone with them? Decrease those hours and have them with you.