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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DD says that Ex husbands girlfriend yells at her

80 replies

Mensuckbigtime · 27/12/2024 17:55

Hi Everyone
I am not a stepmother and have never been one. Just looking for advice here.

ExH and I have recently divorced, marriage ended two years ago when he said he wanted a divorce and I later discovered he was having an affair.

The OW moved in with Exhusband soon after I moved out and as we split the children (two DD, aged 6 and 3) 50-50, she spends considerably time.with our girls.

I've met her a few times in the past, she was just a friend of my ExH back then...

Otherwise I know nothing about her.

Older DD just told me that the girlfriend yells at her and that it scares her.

I questioned her about it, she said that it's fine with girlfriend when the two girls aren't fighting (which they often do, typical sibling behaviour), but that the girlfriend often screams at older DD when the girls argue amongst each other.

I asked DD if this was a regular occurrence, she said yes and she said it scares her and she then goes to her room and cries and that her DF then comes and consoles her but that he has never said anything to his girlfriend (in front of DD, he may have spoken to his GF when the girls are in bed/not there).

DD also said that girlfriend sometimes.grabs her to stop DD from running away when she is being told off by the girlfriend...

My relationship with my ExH is not good, I know very little about his girlfriend.

What do I do now?

I know that obviously the girlfriend will also have to "tell off" the girls once in a while (or maybe not, I know nothing about being a stepmother), but I wouldn't want anyone to yell at my children whether it's one of my family members, a Kindergarten teacher, teacher or anyone else.

So I do find it quite disturbing what my DD has told me.

I know that children often "stretch reality"...
I told DD that I would have to speak to her dad about this and she said "yes, do that"

What to do now?

Thanks for any replies and just to be clear, no, I don't like the girlfriend because she had an affair with my then husband and obviously I am not to keen on my ExH, but this is not about the affair, it's about the girls.

And advice would be very much appreciated!

OP posts:
Lifestooshort71 · 28/12/2024 07:03

Mensuckbigtime · 27/12/2024 20:06

That's what I said to DD, than noone is allowed to do that that I'm glad she's told me and that I am there to always protect her

Show quote history

But, with respect, you're not always there to protect her, are you? My heart used to break when my grandchild came home from only monthly overnight stay with dad's new family, and they described how horrible stepmum was - 'don't say anything to them, please, or it will be worse!'. The thought of them having to endure it 50% of the time, sorry, but it wouldn't have happened. If your DD is unhappy then it's down to you to alter the situation asap - is the 50% non-negotiable? Is there someone independent who could talk to the dad so he really gets it! Personally, if at all possible, I'd stop them going at all until it was resolved - poor little love. Good luck x

Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 28/12/2024 07:19

DD also said that GF kisses her on the.mouth and that she doesn't like it and that she doesn't want me to day plaything to GF because she's worried that GF will be angry with her

OP posts:
Buyingahouse2024 · 28/12/2024 09:14

I'm a step parent and I never tell my step kids off. I leave that to my partner. Albeit they are in their teens now but when I met them they were younger. sometimes they'd fight (one would kick the other) and I would maybe say guys come on now don't do that if I thought one was actually going to get hurt but that's about it and when I done it I wouldn't raise my voice. But to be fair they did listen. The only time I can understand shouting is if one was going to get seriously injured but again that's more of a reaction shout. Putting her hands on them that's a big no from me.

Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 28/12/2024 10:04

Buyingahouse2024 · 28/12/2024 09:14

I'm a step parent and I never tell my step kids off. I leave that to my partner. Albeit they are in their teens now but when I met them they were younger. sometimes they'd fight (one would kick the other) and I would maybe say guys come on now don't do that if I thought one was actually going to get hurt but that's about it and when I done it I wouldn't raise my voice. But to be fair they did listen. The only time I can understand shouting is if one was going to get seriously injured but again that's more of a reaction shout. Putting her hands on them that's a big no from me.

Edited

Yup, restraining the child unless she's in acute danger is not cool.

I've sent her an email and have asked to speak to her in person

OP posts:
NovemberMorn · 28/12/2024 12:50

Mensuckbigtime · 27/12/2024 18:15

We don't really talk and if I told him that I needed to speak to both of them, he wouldn't facilitate it

Show quote history

I certainly would not allow an estranged partner visitation rights if she was coming home scared.
Suggest supervised visits, that might focus his mind to act like an adult and discuss the situation with you.

NovemberMorn · 28/12/2024 12:57

Mensuckbigtime · 28/12/2024 07:19

DD also said that GF kisses her on the.mouth and that she doesn't like it and that she doesn't want me to day plaything to GF because she's worried that GF will be angry with her

I just saw this post.
Your daughter is old enough to make her feelings known, she should feel free to tell the GF that she doesn't like to be kissed on the mouth, to offer her cheek instead, NO child should have to put up with unwelcome personal touching from an adult.

If she is too intimidated to speak out, in a place where she should feel safe, I really do think it's time for you to make yourself heard.

MistletoeAndWine123 · 28/12/2024 13:07

Do you mean you've sent your exH GF an email asking to meet her OP?

Roryno · 28/12/2024 13:11

I think you need to tread softly with your ex and the Gf so it doesn’t all blow up - because you would struggle to stop contact completely and also the girls love their dad. And I presume he loves them.

Could you say your daughter has come to you all upset about being shouted at. Tell him you know they can squabble and be noisy, but she says she’s saying that she’s frightened of the gf. Say you know he consoles her when she’s crying in her room, which is good. Tell him that your daughter didn’t want you to say anything as she’s terrified of making his gf angry. Tell him they love coming to his house and you’re not trying to stop that, but could he keep he think of how to resolve the issue of his daughter being so scared? Tell him perhaps he could ask gf not to shout and let him discipline for now, see how that works out?
I think if you go in all guns blazing things could get worse. You need to keep communication open between you if you can.

changecandles · 28/12/2024 13:59

@Marblesbackagain

Excuse me _fish wife , manners you want to be introduced some day.

Ensuring there are witnesses is to protect my child! You ignorant shameful individual.

Someone puts their hand in my child it's assault. It is illegal to here, poor child if that's your attitude to assault.
Yeah charging in all guns a blazing shouting is not modelling decent behaviour bits also not a great idea when the OP herself has said she has only got details from her dd and she's not aware of the full circumstances of what is said between ex and step mum.

Generally squeaking launching oneself into chaotic drama is a poor strategy unlikely to bring the best outcomes

MissJoGrant · 28/12/2024 14:05

Mensuckbigtime · 27/12/2024 18:41

Do I need to talk to my lawyer?
I'm scared that if I raise it with Exh, he will just tell DD to keep quiet.

Shouting is not against the law. Your kids are going to get shouted at from time to time, whether that's at home or at school.

Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 28/12/2024 14:53

MistletoeAndWine123 · 28/12/2024 13:07

Do you mean you've sent your exH GF an email asking to meet her OP?

Yes I met her before. A few mo this after she.moved into my old apartment

She agreed to meet me

OP posts:
Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 28/12/2024 14:54

MissJoGrant · 28/12/2024 14:05

Shouting is not against the law. Your kids are going to get shouted at from time to time, whether that's at home or at school.

Show quote history

I know it's not against the awkward, but I would raise it with anyone

OP posts:
strawberrysea · 28/12/2024 14:58

Typical mumsnet advice throughout this thread. Stepmother disciplines children and tries to stop them from hurting each other because they are pulling each other's hair out - call social services and get lawyers involved 🙄 because that will be great for the co-parenting relationship.

You seem like a really lovely and balanced person, especially given how your relationship with the father of the children ended. I hope that your ex agrees to sit down with you and the SM so that you can discuss how you want to discipline the children and come to an agreement on that.

NoGwenItsABoxingDayTrifle · 28/12/2024 15:34

strawberrysea · 28/12/2024 14:58

Typical mumsnet advice throughout this thread. Stepmother disciplines children and tries to stop them from hurting each other because they are pulling each other's hair out - call social services and get lawyers involved 🙄 because that will be great for the co-parenting relationship.

You seem like a really lovely and balanced person, especially given how your relationship with the father of the children ended. I hope that your ex agrees to sit down with you and the SM so that you can discuss how you want to discipline the children and come to an agreement on that.

Because god forbid an adult learns to control her emotions around a little girl. Screaming and grabbing and scaring a child is not okay, you only need to watch the news to see how horrific it can end when people ignore the warning signs from children about their so called step parents.
The dad in this case sounds completely useless, consoling his scared child yet getting back into bed with this abusive twat.
If she didn't want to parent someone else's children she probably shouldn't have slept with a married father of two.

Marblesbackagain · 28/12/2024 15:56

changecandles · 28/12/2024 13:59

@Marblesbackagain

Excuse me _fish wife , manners you want to be introduced some day.

Ensuring there are witnesses is to protect my child! You ignorant shameful individual.

Someone puts their hand in my child it's assault. It is illegal to here, poor child if that's your attitude to assault.
Yeah charging in all guns a blazing shouting is not modelling decent behaviour bits also not a great idea when the OP herself has said she has only got details from her dd and she's not aware of the full circumstances of what is said between ex and step mum.

Generally squeaking launching oneself into chaotic drama is a poor strategy unlikely to bring the best outcomes

Putting eyes on her protects the child . I am living proof of that. But by all means stay quite and let a child be abused, disgusting

NovemberMorn · 29/12/2024 12:41

strawberrysea · 28/12/2024 14:58

Typical mumsnet advice throughout this thread. Stepmother disciplines children and tries to stop them from hurting each other because they are pulling each other's hair out - call social services and get lawyers involved 🙄 because that will be great for the co-parenting relationship.

You seem like a really lovely and balanced person, especially given how your relationship with the father of the children ended. I hope that your ex agrees to sit down with you and the SM so that you can discuss how you want to discipline the children and come to an agreement on that.

Of course sitting down and actually discussing the situation would be the way forwards.
But at the beginning of the thread, the OP said her ex would not be open to that.
She can't solve this problem without his and his present wife's agreement.

The present wife should not be disciplining the child to the point of her being scared, she should not be kissing her on the mouth either, especially as the young girl doesn't like it.

The ex husband sounds bloody useless, he comforts the girl after his wife upsets and scares her, then does nothing to prevent it happening again.

Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 29/12/2024 15:51

The woman is not (yet) the wife of my ex.
I spoke to her yesterday, she was defensive at first and said that she neither yells nor grabs DD.

I will probably never know, but both GF and ex know that I am aware of what DD has said and have raised it.

i reassured my DD that shes fone the right thing!

I'm emotionally exhausted, having to sit across the woman who had an affair with my husband has taken it out of me...

The love of her mother for her children is bottomless though
💛

OP posts:
NovemberMorn · 29/12/2024 15:57

It can't be easy, but at least the GF knows that your daughter has confided in you.
Best case scenario is that she feels bad for upsetting your daughter, and she will be less shouty and hands on in future.
Good luck.

Spangledangle · 29/12/2024 15:59

Mensuckbigtime · 29/12/2024 15:51

The woman is not (yet) the wife of my ex.
I spoke to her yesterday, she was defensive at first and said that she neither yells nor grabs DD.

I will probably never know, but both GF and ex know that I am aware of what DD has said and have raised it.

i reassured my DD that shes fone the right thing!

I'm emotionally exhausted, having to sit across the woman who had an affair with my husband has taken it out of me...

The love of her mother for her children is bottomless though
💛

It sounds all very dramatic to me including your reaction to it. However it's not easy having to deal with the woman who your husband left you for and that's always going to understandably cloud your judgement. It also sounds like differing parenting styles,and although your exes girlfriend isn't the parent she is parenting with him and with his consent. So apart from any outright abuse I don't think there's much you can do besides discussing your feelings with your ex and keeping open comms with your child.

NovemberMorn · 29/12/2024 16:03

I don't think it's overreacting to not want to see your six year old frightened by an adult.

Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 29/12/2024 16:25

Spangledangle · 29/12/2024 15:59

It sounds all very dramatic to me including your reaction to it. However it's not easy having to deal with the woman who your husband left you for and that's always going to understandably cloud your judgement. It also sounds like differing parenting styles,and although your exes girlfriend isn't the parent she is parenting with him and with his consent. So apart from any outright abuse I don't think there's much you can do besides discussing your feelings with your ex and keeping open comms with your child.

Edited
Show quote history

What a shitty comment

OP posts:
BigSilly · 29/12/2024 17:33

It sounds more as though your DD doesn't like being told off, than she is afraid of her SM. I don't think there is anything wrong really with restraining a child you are responsible for from running off when they are being disciplined.

Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 29/12/2024 17:54

BigSilly · 29/12/2024 17:33

It sounds more as though your DD doesn't like being told off, than she is afraid of her SM. I don't think there is anything wrong really with restraining a child you are responsible for from running off when they are being disciplined.

A child that is trying to get away from you, will NOT be listening to anything you have to say in anyway, so it's pointless.

My DD told me she was scared, I would have spoken to anyone about this whether it's her dad's GF, her teacher, my mum, brother, uncle anyone...

OP posts:
excelledyourself · 29/12/2024 18:12

Of course the DD doesn't like being told off. Who does?

That doesn't also mean she is making anything up.

You did the right thing, OP. It couldn't have been easy, so well done. Your DD knows you listen and speak up for her, and the GF knows the DD's aren't scared to tell you their feelings/fears.

I hope that's the end of it for your DD's.

GlennCloseButNoCigar · 31/12/2024 18:28

You need to encourage DD to tell a teacher at school. You really need others ears on this, I believe your DD as mine says the same and it’s been a nightmare.

I got nowhere with the police, social services etc. But their DSL at the school really fought for us and was pivotal in helping my own DD be heard. Phoning the duty social worker on your local safeguarding phone number will be helpful also. And just to cover every base I’d log it with the police.

In the meantime can you stop her from visiting? Until you’ve had chance to get some advice? As PP have said you need to get them both together in person otherwise they’ll make up some story, he sounds the type to cover for her and she sounds the type to escalate the situation.