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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DSD copies my son all of the time

80 replies

Lorddenning1 · 22/12/2024 14:38

I don't know why it bothers me so much but my DSD always copies my son and wants the same things as him eg toys and what stuff she is into etc.
So they are both 7 and are best friends. My DS is diagnosed with ADHD and we also suspect autism, not diagnosed. I have been in her life since she was 18 months old and she is a good kid, and very likeable. However I just have a small issue with her always wanting and copying what my son likes and it's like she doesn't have her own identity. A couple of examples of what I mean.

So I recently got some chewies online for my son to wear round his neck to stop him chewing on his clothes, and now she wants some too, even though chewing clothes is not a problem for her, same with ear defenders.
He always sits in the middle in the car next to his baby brother and he feels comfortable sat here, now DSD now wants to sit here too and my son gets upsets because this is his seat, and she has only just started to request she wants to sit here too, my DH suggests they take turns, which is fair but my son gets upset, and I think it's things like this that makes me and his teachers suspect he has autism too.
My son's hyper focus is football, he is obsessed with it, he plays it all of the time and he plays on a team, she also wants to play football now too and she is in a team. She wants football kits too the same ones my son loves and also has 1-1 private football coaching with the same coach my son has.

She also ask for the same toys he loves too, even though she has never shown an interest in them before. So when it's her birthday my son gets really jealous that she gets presents that he would love. I know I sound petty and they are 7 but I worry that she doesn't have her own likes and we should be encouraging her to like different things or find out what she likes but when you ask her she shrugs her shoulders and says she doesn't know.

It's been this ways since they were around 3 so it's not a new thing, any advice on how to tackle this, do we just carry on and get her the same things and before the vipers strike I know I sound silly as they are kids, but overall we have a good relationship and we all get along nicely for a blended family and I realise if this is the only thing I have to worry about, I can count myself as lucky.

OP posts:
ShortyShorts · 22/12/2024 14:40

You don't 'tackle' it.

You let her carry on until she grows out of it (and she will) because it's completely normal.

Tiswa · 22/12/2024 14:41

Let her find her own things - it sounds as if she is jealous of the adjustments he gets and wants attention so help her find it

cassy16 · 22/12/2024 14:43

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TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 22/12/2024 14:44

I’ve met adults like this. No real character, they just take on the likes and dislikes of whomever they’re currently dating/hanging out with.

I know at least two people who are just total vacuums.

ARichtGoodDram · 22/12/2024 14:44

If she’s been asking for the same things since she was 3 then it’s very likely she likes the same stuff

Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 22/12/2024 14:58

@ShortyShorts thanks, it's not a mega problem but it does annoy me a little but maybe I'm being petty, I would like her to like her own things and would encourage her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 22/12/2024 14:59

@Tiswa we explain that he has those things to help him and she understands that he has ADHD and needs a bit more help to make the right choices and to be fair she is great with him and very understanding, I have tried to encourage her to find things she likes but she says she doesn't know. Although she does love swimming and my DS hates water.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 22/12/2024 15:00

@cassy16 that's very helpful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 22/12/2024 15:00

@TheLightSideOfTheMoon this is why I think we should be encouraging her to like her own things rather than just buying her the things she is copying.

OP posts:
Tiswa · 22/12/2024 15:01

That she doesn’t know says a lot about- so because she doesn’t know she is trying his instead.
rather than saying what do you want to do do a couple of trial things you pick instead

Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 22/12/2024 15:03

@ARichtGoodDram I meant she has been doing it since she was 3, so it's not a new thing, so when she was little she would ask for paw patrol toys even though she never watched it or only started liking it because my DS starting like it etc
Her dad agrees and we laugh about it and we do buy her what she asks for.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 22/12/2024 15:04

Is she getting the same amount of attention as your son?

Because. You've written this as if it's some kind of flaw in her character. Rather than a self reflection on how they're both treated which results in her feeling this way.

CremeEggThief · 22/12/2024 15:04

All kids copy each other OP.
You need to look at your reactuon to this as it's unusual...

FakingItEasy · 22/12/2024 15:05

Does she usually live most of the time with her mother?

Perhaps is more that she feels a bit more sidelined, as I assume your ds lives full time with you, dsd's dad and her new baby sibling. So she's trying to get "in" with you all?

I would try to ignore it, while also trying to propose new activities/toys, especially ones that you know your son wouldn't like and, as a pp said, she will probably grow out of it.

AllTheNaps · 22/12/2024 15:05

Does DSD live with you full time? Sorry I skim read but couldn't make this out.

If not could it be a a part of her potentially feeling left out and wanting to adapt to 'fit in' so to speak? This isn't a dig by the way, but would be pretty normal id imagine.

PrawnAgain · 22/12/2024 15:06

Does your son get disproportionate attention / things how own way because of his diagnosis? If so perhaps your DSD is trying to emulate him to feel like she included. I think perhaps this could be tackled by more one on one time with your husband and with you if you have that type of relationship with her. She's only 7 which is still very young so she isn't going to be able to understand allowances made because of your sons ADHD like an adult would.

arethereanyleftatall · 22/12/2024 15:07

So, if she likes swimming, is her dad taking her 121 swimming quite often? That's what I would be doing.

Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 22/12/2024 15:08

@arethereanyleftatall she does get one on one attention with her dad when she is here as she loves spending time with him, he only has her one day a week because we works away during the week but also when he didn't, her mother didn't allow him anymore time with her, even though it's already been to court once.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 22/12/2024 15:10

@FakingItEasy maybe this is why she does it, and if that's the case this makes me sad, I will suggest different ideas going forward.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 22/12/2024 15:10

@AllTheNaps maybe this is why she does, if so we can definitely work on it with her.

OP posts:
ARichtGoodDram · 22/12/2024 15:11

Lorddenning1 · 22/12/2024 15:03

@ARichtGoodDram I meant she has been doing it since she was 3, so it's not a new thing, so when she was little she would ask for paw patrol toys even though she never watched it or only started liking it because my DS starting like it etc
Her dad agrees and we laugh about it and we do buy her what she asks for.

That’s entirely normal though.

its the same stage. It’s age appropriate and she sees something she likes and asks for it.

If she was 12 and started liking paw patrol because your 3 yo did then that would be a bit weird, but a 3yo liking it after being introduced by another child is entirely normal.

Oopah · 22/12/2024 15:12

I don’t think there’s anything to solve, kids always copy each other at that age that’s how they find things they like, she doesn’t get to spend much time with her father or step brother, so is emulating what’s popular in your house.
just make sure she’s getting attention and some good one on one time ans apart from that let it go

PrincessOfPreschool · 22/12/2024 15:12

CremeEggThief · 22/12/2024 15:04

All kids copy each other OP.
You need to look at your reactuon to this as it's unusual...

No they don't. My 3 all had very very different interests.

But OP, it's quite nice they like the same stuff as they can play together, even football. It sounds like she genuinely likes this stuff if she actually does do it/ play with it. Does she have any other siblings or cousins?

As a PP suggested, you could try her out on some stuff she might like which also gets her attention from her Dad eg. A colouring book they do together, or a musical instrument/ dance class/ swimming lessons/ art class and he takes her to those/ they have 1:1 time before or after.

Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 22/12/2024 15:13

@PrawnAgain sometimes he does get more attention if his medication has worn off as he craves good and bad attention and can be a handful, she doesn't copy this behaviour though, thankfully, she is a really good girl and a joy to take care of. But yes I see what you mean, maybe it's something we need to look at more closely.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 22/12/2024 15:13

Right. So she hardly gets any time with her dad, whilst her step brother who isn't even his child, gets loads. It's hardly surprising she's trying to copy him then is it. You have both approached this appallingly tbh. Laughing at her for copying him rather than thinking 'what can we do to help her feel more involved.' I know I've ranted a bit, but when I read your post and saw the first few posts on your side ridiculing her, it made me a bit cross over what was clearly happening.