DSD copies my son all of the time

[Lorddenning1]

I don't know why it bothers me so much but my DSD always copies my son and wants the same things as him eg toys and what stuff she is into etc.
So they are both 7 and are best friends. My DS is diagnosed with ADHD and we also suspect autism, not diagnosed. I have been in her life since she was 18 months old and she is a good kid, and very likeable. However I just have a small issue with her always wanting and copying what my son likes and it's like she doesn't have her own identity. A couple of examples of what I mean.

So I recently got some chewies online for my son to wear round his neck to stop him chewing on his clothes, and now she wants some too, even though chewing clothes is not a problem for her, same with ear defenders.
He always sits in the middle in the car next to his baby brother and he feels comfortable sat here, now DSD now wants to sit here too and my son gets upsets because this is his seat, and she has only just started to request she wants to sit here too, my DH suggests they take turns, which is fair but my son gets upset, and I think it's things like this that makes me and his teachers suspect he has autism too.
My son's hyper focus is football, he is obsessed with it, he plays it all of the time and he plays on a team, she also wants to play football now too and she is in a team. She wants football kits too the same ones my son loves and also has 1-1 private football coaching with the same coach my son has.

She also ask for the same toys he loves too, even though she has never shown an interest in them before. So when it's her birthday my son gets really jealous that she gets presents that he would love. I know I sound petty and they are 7 but I worry that she doesn't have her own likes and we should be encouraging her to like different things or find out what she likes but when you ask her she shrugs her shoulders and says she doesn't know.

It's been this ways since they were around 3 so it's not a new thing, any advice on how to tackle this, do we just carry on and get her the same things and before the vipers strike I know I sound silly as they are kids, but overall we have a good relationship and we all get along nicely for a blended family and I realise if this is the only thing I have to worry about, I can count myself as lucky.

@ThereIsALifeOutThere so at the moment, and it can change because of work, but she sees her dad at the weekend, so 1 week it will be collect from school on a Friday and return to mum on Saturday at around 7pm, week after it will be collect Saturday afternoon and return to mum Sunday night after shower and homework etc. he works away during the week at the moment which is definitely or ideal, but he has to go where the work is, until spring next year and then the work with be local so this will be better and he will be able to have her 1 day during the week for tea. When he isn't working away he take her to football training and is more hands on, he has asked for more contact and even considered asking for 50/50 but her mother will not allow.
He has already had to go to court to get contact in the first place and it was a horrible time that they now have moved past and try to work together for their daughter, although she still calls of the shots and he accepts this, as at least he can now see his daughter and he doesn't want to rock the boat and have her take away again.
So at home she is an only child but she does see her grandparents quite a lot and sees her cousin there and they are quite close.
The seat thing is a hard one because he gets upset because that's his seat and it's always been his seat and he can cross because she is now asking to sit there too, and I agree it's silly but he can get quite upset about it because of his ND.

@ShortyShorts her dad works away during the week so they don't get her dad 24/7, but I can see why you're getting at. When her dad wasn't working away he wanted more contact but her mother would not allow it, the is a whole backstory to this.

He's free to take the mother to court.

But either way, I'm sure she feels as though these children have her dad and she doesn't.

Does she have much self confidence and high self esteem?

mirroring the personality traits of a more popular person can be a trait of adhd, especially in girls and women. Is there a possibility she is also ND?

either way she gets to spend basically no time with her dad - maybe she’s trying to make sure he likes her by liking the same things as your ds does.

also your ds does need to learn that things won’t always go his way like with the car seat, even if giving into him all the time makes your life easier. People with adhd need to learn to navigate their way through life - I have adhd and the world won’t accommodate him forever he needs to learn to adapt himself, even if that’s hard for him to do

even considered asking for 50/50 but her mother will not allow.

How would he have 50/50 if he works away?

but he can get quite upset about it because of his ND.

Tough. Siblings take turns with coveted places. Anything else isn't fair. The worst thing you could teach your child is that he always gets what he wants 'because of his ND.' Yes, it is harder to explain to an ND child, so I would go with the fact that he gets the chair 6/7 days, so actually he's getting far more than her 1/7

@ShortyShorts he has already done this, he did this before we met, he missed out on a whole year of her life and has to go to court. You are right he is welcome to go back to court and get maybe 50/50 but he is terrified that in the meantime she will be taken away from him again, especially now when they have a bond.

Suits him though, if he works away.

@arethereanyleftatall he has been told he has to take turns and this is what we do now, after meltdowns, he doesn't get his own way all of the time trust me.

The working away has been a new thing and it's only for a couple of months until the work becomes local again, before the working away a conversation was had about more contact and it was denied, he even suggested he wouldn't change the maintenance if that was what she was worried about, but it was still rejected. Like I said there is more of a back story with this.

@ShortyShorts it's only temporary and it was rejected before we worked away.

@CarobyBlobs I don't think she does, she has phases of being quite bad with her anxiety, I suspect I know the reasons why but I don't want to put it on here.
She is a very kind happy go lucky little girl and a great big sister to her little brother and also her step brother, she fits in perfectly. We are very lucky really and I appreciate everyone's comments here as it's made me look at things in a different way, which is kind of what I wanted from this thread.

You've taken this all on board really well op. I think if I were your dh I'd go back to court to push for more contact, it sounds like she would like it.

@arethereanyleftatall I have read every reply and I think she copies because she loves him and loves being with him and wants to same things as him because she knows how much he likes them, which I think shows what type of little girl she is, and I agree if she wants to sit in a certain seat in the car, she should be able to as much as he does. we encourage her to be vocal about how she feels and she should stick up for herself and stand her ground, which is what we should be teaching our daughters, to do, which she certainly does. I was having a little grumble because it causes issues with the ND child but I see now how that it's not doing him any favours either.
I agree I would also be going back to court if it was me and we have spoken about this, he is terrified of her being taken away again and he will kiss more time with her while it's waiting to be heard etc and this may cause harm to her also.

Kids copy their friends and siblings, it's perfectly normal. Maybe you need to ask why it's irritating you.

@Lorddenning1 if he goes back to court, he isn’t going to loose the EOW arrangement he has (or the equivalent)!

But to get more contact, he has to find a job where he is here during the week.

They might not copy their siblings but they will copy other children…

What a strange and shallow comment. Are you honestly suggesting a 7 year old child is "a total vaccuum"? She's still in her formative years and negotiating a blended family. She's no doubt insecure and has 2 step siblings who (for all she knows) are loved more than she is. How unkind.

@ThereIsALifeOutThere I said the same but he says I don't know what she is like, she can turn around and say she isn't well or that she doesn't want to come etc but I said the courts will see through all of that, like I said he is terrified of fighting her and her keeping her from him again, so he puts up with it. His working away is only until march time, if it was longer he would be looking for somewhere else to work more local. This is the first time in 5 years he has had to work away.

She gets her dad one day a week and has to share that much of that time, you say she's kind and a good sister. She's trying to fit in and find her place.

My youngest is also neurodiverse, so I get how that can make things challenging. But in these circumstances, your DS isn't being made to share a seat in the car every day, he has to take turns one day a week, he's going to have to suck that up, we can't rearrange the entire world for our children with different needs.

There is nothing to tackle, I very much doubt she'd showing the same interests for 4 years and doesn't enjoy them herself.

Maybe she feels he is more 'special' in your family and wants to be that too. Why not browse websites until she finds things she actually does find appealing? Order them in her name so the parcel is hers to open.

Sounds like DS and DSD get equal treatment, which i think is the right thing. Your son being ASD will always present some difficulties in relationships, but it's healthy for him to know it can't always be his way.

It’s just s type of sibling rivalry. I know they aren’t really siblings but the feelings and competitiveness will be similar with stepkids. Liking the same as your son might be a way to bond and get attention and tests whether or not she is as loved as your son. She’s not being manipulative but will be aware that she’s a part-time member of your home so may have insecurities that she can’t vocalize.

Op there's a concept called "glass children" which explains how having a sibling with extra needs can cause other children to feel invisible to their parents. I think it might be worth looking into this as it could explain some of your dsds behaviour.

Sounds like her dad spends more time with your son, than his daughter. I think that's probably the issue. If your son isn't his her mum might be saying things to that effect (or how only baby is related to her) which might explain why she's suddenly decided your son is her best friend.

In your position I'd stop blending the families for and let DH, baby and DSD bond alone for a bit when she visits while you take your DS out. They'd both benefit from spending time with their parents.

It’s quite normal for children of exactly the same age to want the same things as their peers. Wait till she’s a teenage girl who hates life and everyone in it, you’ll be longing for these days back. Just not worth the headspace.

>>> if I do the same things as this child Dad will (still) love me (I am adding: “or will love me the same/treat me the same as that child”)

This is how kids think, or at least some of them. This is how I thought for years and years, comparing myself to my half sister and cousins. Only after years and years, and only after providing myself all the lacking things I needed through my own bootstraps, did I realize that the difference in treatment was not a failure of behavior, likes, personality, or any other thing on my part - but something having to do with my parents.