DSD copies my son all of the time

[Lorddenning1]

I don't know why it bothers me so much but my DSD always copies my son and wants the same things as him eg toys and what stuff she is into etc.
So they are both 7 and are best friends. My DS is diagnosed with ADHD and we also suspect autism, not diagnosed. I have been in her life since she was 18 months old and she is a good kid, and very likeable. However I just have a small issue with her always wanting and copying what my son likes and it's like she doesn't have her own identity. A couple of examples of what I mean.

So I recently got some chewies online for my son to wear round his neck to stop him chewing on his clothes, and now she wants some too, even though chewing clothes is not a problem for her, same with ear defenders.
He always sits in the middle in the car next to his baby brother and he feels comfortable sat here, now DSD now wants to sit here too and my son gets upsets because this is his seat, and she has only just started to request she wants to sit here too, my DH suggests they take turns, which is fair but my son gets upset, and I think it's things like this that makes me and his teachers suspect he has autism too.
My son's hyper focus is football, he is obsessed with it, he plays it all of the time and he plays on a team, she also wants to play football now too and she is in a team. She wants football kits too the same ones my son loves and also has 1-1 private football coaching with the same coach my son has.

She also ask for the same toys he loves too, even though she has never shown an interest in them before. So when it's her birthday my son gets really jealous that she gets presents that he would love. I know I sound petty and they are 7 but I worry that she doesn't have her own likes and we should be encouraging her to like different things or find out what she likes but when you ask her she shrugs her shoulders and says she doesn't know.

It's been this ways since they were around 3 so it's not a new thing, any advice on how to tackle this, do we just carry on and get her the same things and before the vipers strike I know I sound silly as they are kids, but overall we have a good relationship and we all get along nicely for a blended family and I realise if this is the only thing I have to worry about, I can count myself as lucky.

@arethereanyleftatall she already does swimming lessons but she also loves going out on her bike, which my son does not and her dad will take her out on their own and spends time with her doing that.

Wanting the same thing as your son not really an issue. The car seat I wouldn't make him swap. He struggles with change sitting in the same seat is something he can rely on it's not fair to expect him to manage that.

It's normal. My sister wanted everything the same as me for years growing up, lots of siblings do it.

It's probably annoying you because she's your stepdaughter. I doubt you'd feel the same if they were both your own children (I find it cute when my youngest wants to be like his brother).

I think you should just go along with this. Does it matter? It's about you this post ( which I know you see). I don't think it's concern about her development.

Just get her the same things, she's 7. It doesn't matter if she isn't autistic and likes sensory stuff. There's a reason she's doing it. It won't be to purposely being annoying. She probably just wants to feel equal / the same as him. At 14 then yes maybe it won't be the best thing but for now and the foreseeable why not. Obviously speak to husband about paying.

Next time you get a sensory squishy type thing, just get them both one. My son is ND, has loads of them and I personally love them myself - an NT adult.

Maybe your kids are ND then. No disrespect intended; I am myself, and I am very aware that a lot of techniques; strategies and ways of looking at things are not the same for me as they are for the neurotypical majority.

As a former teacher, I'm talking about the majority of children and that's one of the ways they learn, from copying each other... there is nothing for the OP to try to "solve" here.

Just for a different perspective - kids with ADHD and ASD often struggle socially… and he has someone in his life who thinks he’s really cool and his interests are of interest to her (my younger child does this to the older one - it’s completely normal but probably not triggering because there’s no step issues going on). I think as he grows up it might become more valuable to him to have this which might make it easier for you to see?

I have a child with ADHD. I have to be so so careful, and to be honest have not done well enough at it always, to make sure my other child is not completely sidelined.
It's always easier to go with what ADHD child wants so you have to make a big effort not to always.
For example you have detailed he likes football whereas she likes swimming and cycling. I know I have made the mistake so often of just saying 'let's all go play football then' as it's easier, nd child is happy and by child won't kick off. But that's not fair is it. (Talking to myself here!). You need to be making him go cycling if you're making her play football for eg.,

@arethereanyleftatall my son gets attention from me, that's what he craves, like I said when his medication has worn off and can be a handful and we are currently under a medication review with his doctor.
When I saw we laugh about it, I mean when we have come to place a toy order for her birthday etc and we say we didn't know she even liked that type of thing and it's been more lighthearted like that rather than laughing at her, for goodness sake.
We all look forward to seeing her at the weekend and we have started to go for dinner, just me her and her dad and it's one of her favourite things to do. I make sure I get the food that she likes in before she comes and she loves it when we all sit down and eat a Sunday roast and play the what would you rather game, so we do all these things because she likes them. I asked the question because I didn't know if we should be encouraging it or trying to help her find her own likes.
I already wrote I know it's silly to be bothered by it, but that's my issue as the adult here, which I already admitted to.

I would say that perhaps the things you need to do for your DSD has perhaps taken the things you need to do for your DSD as "special" and she has seen that it gives him attention. Perhaps this is what she wants.

Ear defenders, his seat, football etc are seen as getting your attention. Could you put in some things that are special for her? Car seat with her special "thing" on - what it is (fluffy toy, whatever). Perhaps some small distractions mean she develops her own interests more - but what is happening is pretty normal I think.

@buttonousmaximous thank you, this is the kind of stuff that annoys me with it as it causes unnecessary issues, but then on the other hand she can request to sit there too

She is 7, only sees her father once a week, has a stepbrother and baby sibling that live with her father all the time. No wonder she’s copying her SB!
Why should she not be able to sit next to her baby sibling n the car? Your DS also needs to know he can’t always have his own way especially when it’s upsetting someone else. People with ADHD or ASD don’t always have to have everything their own way.
You’re teaching her that her wants don’t matter, and him that his wants are more important than hers.
the rest of your issues are total non events.

You are being petty, yes.

She didn't ask for her parents to split up or for her dad to move in with you and a child the same age, who get to have him 24/7 while she doesn't.

She's 7, just cut her some slack because she WILL grow out of it.

Nowhere have you said that she is picking toys, or taking an interest in things that she is later discarding or losing interest in. It seems she genuinely likes the things he does, so I don't see the issue.

Other than the car seat. I guess it depends how upset your son gets by having to take turns. Your partner may have to deal with that a little more sensitively, but everything else seems a non issue and she'll eventually develop more of her own interests.

She gets one day with her dad, and has to share that time. That's a bigger issue than anything else.

I feel for her tbh, her Dad lives with another child the same age as her so therefore Dad must prefer this other child, if I do the same things as this child Dad will still love me too. She’s 7 ffs show some empathy.

@Soontobe60 maybe you are right, she has only just started requesting that she sits there too, before she wasn't bothered, it's only been since he wants to sit there because it's where he always sits.

@ShortyShorts her parents were never together ever, but this is a whole story I won't go into.
She is an only child at home so loves coming to see her baby brother and also her 2 older step brothers.

It’s not like your sons really into brutalist architecture, small animal taxidermy and the arts and crafts movement. Paw Patrol is pretty universally liked by under 5’s and some older kids, she’s hardly peeling bits from his exquisitely crafted personality and trying to do a Single White Female.

She probably loves your son very much and wants to be just like him, it’s cute.

@excelledyourself so it's sounds messy, but the schedule means when she comes to visit and she sees everyone but then also gets some 1-1 time with her dad because then her step brothers will then go to their dad.

@OpalMaker haha that did make me laugh and thank you for making me see this way

Exactly, especially if on the spectrum.

What’s the arrangement at re your dsd?
Is she at your EOW, 50/50, your DH is the RP?

Because I’m wondering

• what happens when she is at mum’s
• If the copying is because she sees him getting attention for those things so has somehow associated let’s say playing football with getting dad’s attention or simply as anything your ds does is something positive
• if she is really given the opportunity to try other things. My dcs at that age wouldn’t have been able to say what they wanted to do activity wise. Instead we gently pushed them to do one thing and the other and dc then decided if they enjoyed it or not.
• The seat thing is the most normal thing in the world with siblings tbh.

Nothing you’ve described is abnormal. This isn’t a problem.

She’s 7 for crying out loud.

Stop creating additional problems that don’t exist. I’m sure you have enough to deal with, with the needs of your DS. Don’t go looking for issues.

She wants to be like her DB. That’s normal. My DSis copied everything did. It’s normal to do that and it was normal for me to be annoyed by that. It would have been weird however if it bothered my parents

Yes, the children who get to have HER dad 24/7.

Can you really not understand why she might want to feel 'equal' and this is how she's showing it?