How much animosity is normal from dc to new partner initially?

[GreenAlkanet]

The parent the dc live with has been single since dc were very young (4 and 2).

In the intervening 9 years parent didn't date at all. Parent has now met someone, been with them a few months and new partner has had dinner with parent and children a few times very recently.

Dc have been rather rude and unwelcoming towards new partner at dinner and parent and new partner have decided to pull back on introduction consequently.

I'm just wondering - in this sort of situation - how much animosity towards the new person, purely because of what that new person is in relation to their parent, is normal for a now 10 and 13 yo?

My only knowledge comes from tv and films, which had lead me to believe that such animosity is normal and to be expected?

I think it’s harder with slightly older kids. Mine were around 8 and 6 when they met DH. We did lots of fun days out, casually meeting for an ice cream etc. When you say dinners do you mean at their home? It might be too soon for that, let them get to know him on neutral territory, and ideally doing some kind of activity rather than being forced to sit and make conversation. And take it very slow!

11 and 13? When they live with this parent and there’s been no partner on the scene for as far back as they can reliably remember? A lot.

Honestly - there is no excuse for children being rude at all

Regardless of who they are having lunch with! If they do that in front of you imagine what they are doing when you are not there!

They don’t deserve special understanding because this was a potential long term partner either!

A few months is far too early to introduce the new partner.

I don't think there is a "normal" amount because there are all sorts of factors to consider, that are unique to each person and circumstance.
My advice would be to take things very slow. The kids have only ever had you, never had to share you, suddenly there is someone competing for your love and attention. That's bound to unsettle them.
I would pull back for a while, continue dating, and make it clear and open to the kids that you are in a relationship, but the partner doesn't need to spend time with the kids just yet - it's only been a few months.
It's very easy to maintain a relationship without becoming a blended family - you go out for dates and spend nights together when/if the kids are away with their other parent or family or on sleepovers.

@GreenAlkanet this is the problem

Parent has now met someone, been with them a few months and new partner has had dinner with parent and children a few times very recently.

Too early, not surprised the children are hostile tbh.

Meet partner away from their safe space.

How awful for those poor kids. They know what’s coming down the line… new partner moving in, just as they hit puberty…

Put your children first FFS.

no new partners in the house until they are grown up. 18 yes 18. Until the last one is 18.

And why have dinner at the house?

have it out somewhere on neutral territory.

by all means have a partner but do not subject your kids to them.

I think teens are tricky people and parents having new relationships are tricky weird situations. Separate the relationship and DC for a year or two, then keep it to a lunch or day out or whatever every few months or so. You can have a relationship and be a parent and keep those two things separate until the children grow up.

@GreenAlkanet the ages they are is the hardest, just as they are going from child to teen and so on. Kids always have a deep desire too for parents to re-unite, there’s a lot going on. One thing that is key is how their parent deals with any bad behaviour to the new adult - if the kids aren’t given ground rules/it isn’t nipped in the bud then it could be a long and painful road. I don’t mean the new adult gets to rule the roost or immediately parent or interfere but just making sure kids are set straight on what is and is not OK, as for any adults they interact with.

Hello! Doesnt matter if they are a new partner - they are being rude and that needs dealing with as you wouldn't allow that with a friend.

I would at least leave it till the 6 month mark till you know the relationship might actually be going some where - no point in pushing through all this when it might fizz out. I've been dating some one for 6 months now and i've no intention of them all meeting yet I'm enjoying not having to adult around him.

Just keep the new relationship on the periphery of the kids lives, they know its happening but it doesnt imapact them any way.

But 10 & 13 are very much old enough to be respectful to people

I’m widowed and i introduced my new partner to my kids when they were 11 and 13 (we’d only been dating a couple of months which is a massive no-no on here! But I knew it was going to be serious). They were always perfectly polite to him and now four years on they still get on really well (we don’t live together through choice so he doesn’t take a parenting role). So it’s not inevitable they struggle with it.

Ok thank you. This is very helpful.

As I said, we are pulling back on the introductions and I am dealing with their rude behaviour which is not isolated to new partner but much worse in that context.

I'm not going to get into discussions around when is best to introduce them. I am being lead by them, initially the wanted new partner to come for dinner but I think then the reality of us actually being an item came home to them and they couldn't handle it. So now I'm pulling back.

It's good to know the animosity is largely to be expected, but rudeness is not to be tolerated regardless.

“The reality of us being an item”

what does that mean?

lots of public displays of information?

I surely hope not!

Be respectful to your children too. They don’t need to see that sort of stuff.

All kids want you to themselves. It’s normal and biological. Be careful.

No pda no. Just us being there at dinner together made it more real than just seeing me going out to do something with new partner.

I think the TV trope is unhelpful and mainly included because drama makes a good story.

IRL drama likely means someone is getting upset and it's worth thinking about whether that is useful.

IMO an introduction of a new partner should be slow and managed - DC should not be encouraged to accept them blindly. Pulling back is sensible in this scenario. While rudeness isn't behaviour that you want to encourage in general, I'd be wary of being so anti rudeness that you make the DC feel uncomfortable with sharing how they actually feel - it's a bit like introducing a new baby in a way, you know the older sibling is going to have their security a bit threatened and act up as a result, but it works best if you can stay reassuring to the toddler and let them know it's OK to be finding it hard to have a new baby brother/sister, and manage interactions between baby/toddler rather than telling them off which can cause them to just try to swallow the feelings.

Children (obviously ) are not fully emotionally mature so often their difficult feelings do come out in the form of bad behaviour like toddler tantrums/preteen attitude etc. And sometimes when they are giving attitude or whatever it is, it's a sort of test to see how you will react or whether they have the power to scare this person away or whether this person stays nice even if they are horrible to them.

Pulling back might mean seeing them less often, seeing them in more neutral locations or going to see new partner at their house etc, maybe also giving a choice about whether they are included in certain activities (esp 13yo who may be fine to be left home alone or go out with friends instead) - you said "coming for dinner" which sounds like partner is coming to meet DC in their own home which might feel more intrusive than meeting them elsewhere. Bear in mind that 10/13yo is prime time for "Ugh why do I have to do things with boring parents, I would rather be with my friends/on my xbox" and you might be getting a bit of that aside from any specific new-partner stuff.

It's tricky because of course you want to set the boundary of I'm an adult, I make decisions about my relationships, this is my partner - not letting them feel that you are asking their permission or asking them to accept him or rate him or giving them the power to make decisions about your relationship. But I think it's also important to be observant of their comfort too and take things at a pace which works for them. After all you don't need them to accept him, particularly not on a specific timescale. I think if they feel less pressurised they might feel more comfortable to develop a relationship on their own terms.

My dc were 5 and 7 when introduced to new partner. I'd been single 2 years but their dad was on his second relationship. We did a soft play first time so they met him but no pressure to get to know him. We left or a few weeks then did a park. It was a few months before he started coming to the house regularly.

Maybe it's been a bit much too soon

Sorry but this is absolutely ridiculous.

OP said she’s been single since the kids were 4 and 2. So you’re basically saying she should stay single for 16 years in total until the youngest is 18? What a way to live your life.

Correct. Thats putting your kids first. Most people are way too selfish to do it.

Me me me. It’s all about me these days.

My sex life, my happiness, me needs on and on the list goes. Why have kids if you have so many of your own needs to fulfil.

Stop foisting unwanted people into your kids lives. They don’t want them.

No child ever said, yes mum, yes dad, please find someone else I’ve never met or known and bring them into my life with all their unwanted baggage.

What a ridiculous notion.

Ouch. The truth must hurt. One doth protest too much.

Put your kids first. You get 18 years out of a life of 70 or 80 if you’re lucky. What’s the big deal?

Can you not do the decent thing for that time period. It’s not a lot and the payback is loving, stable, kind pure hearted kids who will always have your back.

introduce new partners at your peril. Watch your kids shut down. Avoid you. Go out. Leave home. Can’t wait to get away from you. Hate you from a distance. Good luck with the fracturing of the most important work you could but chose not to do, on this planet.

And I didn’t say stay single. I said don’t bring unwanted partners into your DCs lives. They don’t want them.

Theres a physiological response: a rejection. It’s a physical response. Her kids were rude. Now she’s going to tell them off. But their biology, they physical response is rejection.

Thats all you need to know. Don’t do it.

Keep them separate. Or fuck them up.

The amount of self abnegation that is expected of single parents on mumsnet never fails to astound me. Why gave children if you are going to still have needs? Why indeed?! I have continued to have needs like food, water, housing, community, meaningful work but surely I should have immolated myself on the altar of motherhood at the outset.

Jesus this is the bleakest opinion of parenthood (motherhood, if we're being honest about what you mean) I've ever seen. The idea that 'happiness' strikes you as a unnecessary need to fulfil for at least 18 years just because you had a child is absolutely batshit.

I grew up with a single mum and I actually did tell her, many many times, that she should go out and meet someone! She was very lonely when I went off to university and I worried about her a lot. I would have loved to see her in a happy relationship.

But Mumsnet is very weird and judgey about single parents dating. IRL no one cares.