How much animosity is normal from dc to new partner initially?

[GreenAlkanet]

The parent the dc live with has been single since dc were very young (4 and 2).

In the intervening 9 years parent didn't date at all. Parent has now met someone, been with them a few months and new partner has had dinner with parent and children a few times very recently.

Dc have been rather rude and unwelcoming towards new partner at dinner and parent and new partner have decided to pull back on introduction consequently.

I'm just wondering - in this sort of situation - how much animosity towards the new person, purely because of what that new person is in relation to their parent, is normal for a now 10 and 13 yo?

My only knowledge comes from tv and films, which had lead me to believe that such animosity is normal and to be expected?

Not sure how that impacts on the argument that if you are housed with your DC who have had enough trauma already what you/they gain from having someone else live with you...have a relationship, just don't live with them. Age is irrelevant too as children age to 18 at same rate

@Meadowfinch for being a decent parent. You sound like you really tried.

I never said anyone had to be celibate - just that you do this in your own time.

Kids need their parents and they need their parents to THEMSELVES and privately, not always in the presence of another person who is not family.

But what about if you would like to potentially have more children, or remarry? Not everyone who splits up did so to escape abuse, or were abused once they split. This trauma you speak of isn't universal.

The narrative we grow up with and that is part of our society is that kids have a mum and a dad and they stay together.

anything that errs away from that norm is psychologically damaging because if you don't have this, then you are 'different'.

Abuse may not have happened but much like adopted children feel different, children who don't fit the social norm will feel different too.

And I love that I have been called militant. Ahaha! Brilliant. Bring it on.

I am. In time I hope one day that society will rightly shame parents for trying to blend families too early on. It's not right and it's extremely hurtful to the children.

You wonder why society is going downhill.. well there's at least part of your answer.

If kids don't grow up with stability in their lives - don't expect them to be stable adults. That wound will always be there. Then they get therapy if they're lucky or otherwise they don't know and have to cope somehow. life has never been tougher so if they buckle, who would blame them? Not me.

Absolutely bonkers. I swear you'd only every hear this on MN.

👏 👏 👏 👍

It's become so normalised for parents to put themselves first that yes, you'd never hear it face to face because people can't tell you you are unbeliveably selfish in real life, even though they may think it.

The number of women I see on here (and I'm sure with men it's double the number) moving in new partners within a few months of breaking up with their significant other is so enormous as to have become the norm.

But it shouldn't be. And it's a massive damage that society has inflicted on many many children who have learnt to put up and shut up, even though they never ever wanted to have that new person in their lives.

The tolerate it, or are forced to tolerate it as they have no say and choice to go elsewhere. They are vulnerable and then they get a double dose of horror as their real parent is replaced by a stranger who is usually not that into them.

But the numbers speak for themselves. If you look around you, the stories are all there hiding in plain sight. And they come on here time and time and time again.

But most people are just too selfish these days. All about me me me!

I think you’re at least 18months too early on the introductions. They’re at very tricky ages and their home should remain their home.

They absolutely shouldn’t be rude but I wouldn’t be overjoyed having a stranger plonked on me.

Society is going downhill because of people like you

PlopSofa, you're projecting because you hated your stepmother. You don't speak for all kids.

🤣 just like that?! No reasons given?

Hilarious! What a fine argument.

I speak for the majority of that I am certain.

Society should shame people is one of many examples

@PlopSofa

And no mother asks for their "d"h of 25 + years to trade them for a younger model but it happens. Kids are fine as long as you do intros right.

I actually think holding back on telling them about a new relationship can backfire as waiting means it can seem too fast for the dc. I told my dc I was dating and when I met my now husband, they got to choose when to meet him (straight away was the answer, they are nosy)

Precisely.

Imagine if your DC said to you "hey DM we love you and all that, but we've decided actually we want another person living with us. You don't know them - but we do as we've been contacting them on social media and they've offered to be the parent we want them to be. So from now on they'll be living with us. Sorry I know you've not met them before but we'll invite her over for dinner a few times and then she's going to move in. She promises to be the best DM and love us so much. You might not get on with her at all times, but its our choice and we want her here, more than we want you to be here. So you'll just have to get used to it. Sorry about that, but we've got control and what we say, goes".

Because that's essentialy what parents do to their kids. Sorry but it's my choice and you'll just have to live with it.

There’s a whole world of difference between ‘partner moving in’ and the children getting to know them.

The latter is absolutely fine but why on earth would any mum force their kids to accept an unrelated male of their choosing in their home, their safe space?

My sister’s friend’s mum did this, they hated the newly moved in step-dad but tough titty, mummy was happy & he was now living in their home. There were other issues too but it ended in 2 of her children going NC & she’s now paying the price.

Have a relationship by all means. But put your children’s security & happiness as priority.

The OP of this thread was talking about dinner. It's been years since the split. Months since dating. This isn't a Jeremy Kyle situation

But she’s naive enough to think that telling them off for being openly hostile is the way to go.

no it’s not. OP needs to explore their feelings and give them the validation they need.

Otherwise she’s just saying in essence “you do what I tell you to do and you behave how I want you to behave”.

if her kids aren’t usually rude to new people then it’s a warning sign they feel undermined or in some way invalidated.

She should explore that and reassure them, not tell them off.

If kids can’t express their true feelings with their mum, who can they express them with?

it’s the end of the fucking road isn’t it, if she shuts them down.

and she should listen to the numerous first hand accounts of people on here who have lived this experience and didn’t find it a good one. The polar opposite in fact. And tread very very carefully. Especially as one is a teen and the other is on the way,

they’ve had her all to themselves for their entire memory. Might as well just put a bomb under things with her level of naivety.

Hi, I'm back having spent the afternoon with my kids.

I'm not sure how my asking him for a few dinners - the first one being at the kids insistence - has jumped to my being obviously intending to very shortly move him in.

My kids aren't used to anyone coming to the house, they are generally rude to people who do, and this has got worse and worse over the years so that I have invited people less and less.

This is obviously on me for allowing their behaviour to deteriorate in this way. There were reasons which a long and complicated and I will not be going into here, but I recognised this and dealt with the reasons before I met my boyfriend, I am inviting friends over more, and generally cracking down on rude and bad behaviour. I've actually been much more lenient about their behaviour with him than with others because I recognise that this is different and there are different roots to it.

So - I've got the message that some people think I I'm evil and immoral for even looking at a man while they aren't adults, I knew I'd get this and was prepared for it. I also know I'll be flamed by some for saying this - but I disagree and will not be taking notice of that viewpoint so don't waste your typing time. Or do - but it won't 'help' me or my kids.

I've also got the message that pulling back and probably switching any further interactions to away from our home is the way to proceed, and this i will be doing.

I actually do put my kids first, they are the topmost priority in my life. I just don't agree that this precludes me having a relationship.

And again / I will emphasise - I'm not moving him in, I'm not planning on moving him in, I am pulling back on intros since it's obviously not the right time/place for it. But I started them because the kids asked me to.

Sometimes it’s actually better for the children to see Mum with a decent partner providing a good relationship model. Particularly if the alternative is a single, lonely and frustrated parent who may or may not be coping well alone.

All depends on the new DP and how everyone gets along, which you can’t foretell without introducing that. I’ve been in the same situation as OP with children who lost their father in infancy and there’s no question that the kids come first - it doesn’t mean the three of you exist in isolation.

I note MN is not generally in favour with sticking in a marriage to the children’s father come hell or high water, a far more traditional way of putting the kids first.

I think you're spot on op. And speak as someone who's mum remarried 4 x. Yes it was a shit show but I still think the way you're handling it is spot on. And do work on their rudeness to others in your home. There's probably some insecurity at the root of it - perhaps jealousy of your attention temporarily being elsewhere when you have guests? But separate the bf right now so it can't be used against you, and best of luck trying to get to the bottom of it.

Yes. Too many parents have made their children feel like everything is about them and we have brought up young people with a me me me attitude. Whereas the sensible people understand that teaching children to think about others, including their parents, and that their parents are people too with needs and wants is the least selfish way to act.

I think meeting outside of their home that they clearly feel territorial over ( which is fine imo ) should be the way to go, let home be you and them for now.