Page 4 | How much animosity is normal from dc to new partner initially?

GreenAlkanet · 2024-10-26T11:15:12+00:00

The parent the dc live with has been single since dc were very young (4 and 2). In the intervening 9 years parent didn't date at all. Parent has now met someone, been with them a few months and new partner has had dinner with parent and children a few times very recently. Dc have been rather rude and unwelcoming towards new partner at dinner and parent and new partner have decided to pull back on introduction consequently. I'm just wondering - in this sort of situation - how much animosity towards the new person, purely because of what that new person is in relation to their parent, is normal for a now 10 and 13 yo? My only knowledge comes from tv and films, which had lead me to believe that such animosity is normal and to be expected?

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Manypaws · 26/10/2024 19:48

GreenAlkanet · 26/10/2024 18:42

Hi, I'm back having spent the afternoon with my kids.

I'm not sure how my asking him for a few dinners - the first one being at the kids insistence - has jumped to my being obviously intending to very shortly move him in.

My kids aren't used to anyone coming to the house, they are generally rude to people who do, and this has got worse and worse over the years so that I have invited people less and less.

This is obviously on me for allowing their behaviour to deteriorate in this way. There were reasons which a long and complicated and I will not be going into here, but I recognised this and dealt with the reasons before I met my boyfriend, I am inviting friends over more, and generally cracking down on rude and bad behaviour. I've actually been much more lenient about their behaviour with him than with others because I recognise that this is different and there are different roots to it.

So - I've got the message that some people think I I'm evil and immoral for even looking at a man while they aren't adults, I knew I'd get this and was prepared for it. I also know I'll be flamed by some for saying this - but I disagree and will not be taking notice of that viewpoint so don't waste your typing time. Or do - but it won't 'help' me or my kids.

I've also got the message that pulling back and probably switching any further interactions to away from our home is the way to proceed, and this i will be doing.

I actually do put my kids first, they are the topmost priority in my life. I just don't agree that this precludes me having a relationship.

And again / I will emphasise - I'm not moving him in, I'm not planning on moving him in, I am pulling back on intros since it's obviously not the right time/place for it. But I started them because the kids asked me to.

Sounds like you gave it sorted OP, I hope everything works out for you

FlippyFloppyShoe · 26/10/2024 21:08

ThatWarmJadeSeal · 26/10/2024 16:37

But what about if you would like to potentially have more children, or remarry? Not everyone who splits up did so to escape abuse, or were abused once they split. This trauma you speak of isn't universal.

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Funny, I don't know any child of divorced parents who wouldn't rather they stayed together (sometimes even in really bad circumstances) and so that is traumatic as is having to move between homes and not see your parents as much as you used to

MoveToParis · 26/10/2024 21:38

FlippyFloppyShoe · 26/10/2024 21:08

Funny, I don't know any child of divorced parents who wouldn't rather they stayed together (sometimes even in really bad circumstances) and so that is traumatic as is having to move between homes and not see your parents as much as you used to

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I think you are badly off track here. For me it is about half/half.

Their wishes for their parents to be together are much closer to “I wish it wasn’t necessary for my parents to separate”. It like wishing someone didn’t die- nice thought but totally a stranger to reality.

My daughter has said she wishes her parents weren’t separated… but she also doesn’t want to live with her abusive father, and has told me how proud she is that I left and made a new and safe life for us

One of the things about growing up is being able to change your perspective. If, as adult your view is that parents should be forced to live together- even if the bad circumstances include women being abused then really you need to own that view. Divorce absolutely is hard in everyone, but the alternative can be so so much worse.

Neveragain35 · 26/10/2024 23:25

GreenAlkanet · 26/10/2024 18:42

Hi, I'm back having spent the afternoon with my kids.

I'm not sure how my asking him for a few dinners - the first one being at the kids insistence - has jumped to my being obviously intending to very shortly move him in.

My kids aren't used to anyone coming to the house, they are generally rude to people who do, and this has got worse and worse over the years so that I have invited people less and less.

This is obviously on me for allowing their behaviour to deteriorate in this way. There were reasons which a long and complicated and I will not be going into here, but I recognised this and dealt with the reasons before I met my boyfriend, I am inviting friends over more, and generally cracking down on rude and bad behaviour. I've actually been much more lenient about their behaviour with him than with others because I recognise that this is different and there are different roots to it.

So - I've got the message that some people think I I'm evil and immoral for even looking at a man while they aren't adults, I knew I'd get this and was prepared for it. I also know I'll be flamed by some for saying this - but I disagree and will not be taking notice of that viewpoint so don't waste your typing time. Or do - but it won't 'help' me or my kids.

I've also got the message that pulling back and probably switching any further interactions to away from our home is the way to proceed, and this i will be doing.

I actually do put my kids first, they are the topmost priority in my life. I just don't agree that this precludes me having a relationship.

And again / I will emphasise - I'm not moving him in, I'm not planning on moving him in, I am pulling back on intros since it's obviously not the right time/place for it. But I started them because the kids asked me to.

@GreenAlkanet this sounds like absolutely the right thing. Good luck to you 💐

Ilovelurchers · 26/10/2024 23:46

FlippyFloppyShoe · 26/10/2024 21:08

Funny, I don't know any child of divorced parents who wouldn't rather they stayed together (sometimes even in really bad circumstances) and so that is traumatic as is having to move between homes and not see your parents as much as you used to

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My daughter is 12 and often says she is glad her dad and I separated. We co-parent effectively and are very amicable, and she says she thinks her relationship with each of us is much stronger because she spends more quality time with us one on one than she likely would if we were still together.

Her dad has had one serious relationship since we split (the woman who was the OW) and has also dated more casually at points when they haven't been together as it's been a bit on-off.

I have had two serious relationships since.

While she hasn't been overwhelmingly keen on any of these partners in all honesty, there has been zero animosity on her part - I would say her attitude is more indifference, sometimes tempered with mild amusement? She certainly would never dream of being rude to anyone her dad or I was dating. But she is secure that she will ALWAYS be the priority for both of us, so does not feel threatened in any way. Neither of us will ever expect her to treat one of our partners as any kind of parent figure - if she gets on with them it's a bonus - but those relationships have never been thrust down her throat.

We discuss things very openly in our family - nothing is hidden. She knows her dad and I didn't work as a couple and why. She knows that makes absolutely no difference to the fact that we love her more than anything in the world. She knows we are both not just parents, but also people, with our own dreams, desires and futures, and she wants us both to be happy. And she trusts us not to let that happiness ever jeopardize hers.

We're flawed humans and we got a lot wrong. But we got this right.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/10/2024 10:16

SameOldMeals · 26/10/2024 12:22

A few months is far too early to introduce the new partner.

I disagree with introducing being too soon at that stage. Children meet their parents friends all the time.
What would be too soon would be a total change in their lives like him moving in.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/10/2024 10:17

I think meeting in a neutral territory would be better next few times

Tittat50 · 27/10/2024 12:26

I wonder if there's something both the kids love that new guy loves to do outside the home. Shared fun experiences will hopefully encourage the psychological connection.

He's got to be up for it though. He may not

PlopSofa · 27/10/2024 19:24

People so often won't voice it out loud... but it's what many of us are thinking.

If your DC are rude OP, then that's something to understand more about.

My kids aren't ever rude to anyone, not really. Why would they be? They are happy kids mostly so they don't feel the need to make a scene.

Generally people who are in a happy place, don't lash out. That's for your to discover why. Maybe they are the on spectrum and don't like their home being 'invaded'. Who knows. Only you know where the rudeness is generated from but it's not normal behaviour so something is triggering the rudeness. Yes kids need boundaries and be taught how to be polite, how to have manners, how to interact with new people and relatives and so on...

Anyway, good luck with it all.

PlopSofa · 27/10/2024 19:25

for the above message 9 thank yous

How much animosity is normal from dc to new partner initially?

Original poster

GreenAlkanet · 27/10/2024 19:48

@PlopSofa

I do actually know exactly why they are rude. It's a very very complicated mixture of things which needs unpicking from various angles.
I haven't been in a place where I was able to facilitate that until the last year or so, but now that I am, they are receiving professional help, I am receiving professional help, amongst all sorts of different things that I and friends and family are doing - which are beginning to make a difference but have taken time.

In our case there is a very significant history of trauma which I am sure does add into their feelings towards me having a new relationship.

As I have said - I was lead by them in first inviting him for dinners, and now I am being lead by them in pulling back.

Luckily my new man is very willing to do whatever it takes, at whatever pace. He is a truly good person.

I do appreciate differing inputs, and I have the critical thinking skills, and the real life advisors, to help me take things into account appropriately irl for my kids - who I do know very well and care for very deeply and always prioritise.

OP posts:

TooManyAnimals94 · 27/10/2024 19:51

PlopSofa · 26/10/2024 12:26

How awful for those poor kids. They know what’s coming down the line… new partner moving in, just as they hit puberty…

Put your children first FFS.

no new partners in the house until they are grown up. 18 yes 18. Until the last one is 18.

And why have dinner at the house?

have it out somewhere on neutral territory.

by all means have a partner but do not subject your kids to them.

Eh?

CandyLeBonBon · 27/10/2024 21:17

PlopSofa · 27/10/2024 19:25

for the above message 9 thank yous

Edited

What do you want? A medal?

MissTrip82 · 27/10/2024 23:16

This seems like separate issues.

The rudeness is a real problem and is unacceptable.

You did introduce your boyfriend too soon. Being ‘child-led’ in this doesn’t mean you do something inappropriate because they suggest it, and an introduction a couple of months in was inappropriate.

MissTrip82 · 27/10/2024 23:17

PlopSofa · 27/10/2024 19:25

for the above message 9 thank yous

Edited

Yes? Surely you know there’s more than nine idiots on MN.

sunflowersngunpowdr · 04/11/2024 23:22

I'm with @PlopSofa ... you can still have a romantic life without moving someone new in. I actually think in many ways it's preferable for everyone to keep these parts of your life separate although I understand that some single parents have no family or friends to help with child care which would make dating an issue.

StormingNorman · 05/11/2024 19:19

It is completely normal for kids not to be impressed with their parents’ choice of partners. Why would they like someone just because their parent does?

Don’t make the mistake of assuming that the children don’t like them because they are dating a parent. It could be that they don’t like the person.

MiddleAgedDread · 06/11/2024 14:29

I met my BF's DD13 after a couple of months of us dating although she'd met me once before so at least knew who I was. He's been single since she was a toddler and so far it's going well and I haven't had any animosity from her, but his place isn't her primary home (she does EOW and 1 night midweek with him) and she already has a step-dad so the concept of a parent dating isn't completely alien to her. I keep checking that she doesn't mind me having dinner with them or staying over when she's there and he assures me she likes it!

ManhattanPopcorn · 06/11/2024 14:32

Dating 'a few months' isn't a partner. It's way too soon to be doing family dinners.

Soocks · 10/11/2024 16:19

A few months is nothing and you really do not know someone after that time.
Likewise it was far too soon for introductions.

However their rudeness is a huge issue and well done for addressing that.

They are not the boss of you, in your house.
Firm consequences are necessary for rudeness.
Good luck.

Singleandproud · 10/11/2024 16:34

I used to work with Secondary school aged children, those who lived with mum particularly if it was an all female house really struggled with mum having a new partner even if they liked the partner. They were an encroachment on their previously safe, female space. They often said they were happy to meet out and about but didn't like them in their space,particularly when staying over as they felt they had to adapt their behaviour particularly around coming out the bathroom or being in PJs.

They often didn't have an issue with dad having a new partner because that wasn't 'their' space even if they lived there 50:50, and again for teen girls that was always a mixed sex space so didn't require behaviour change

I would leave it a while, meet and do activities outside the house and not contemplating living together until the children are 18 and can make their own choices on where and who they live with.

MoveToParis · 10/11/2024 16:47

Singleandproud · 10/11/2024 16:34

I used to work with Secondary school aged children, those who lived with mum particularly if it was an all female house really struggled with mum having a new partner even if they liked the partner. They were an encroachment on their previously safe, female space. They often said they were happy to meet out and about but didn't like them in their space,particularly when staying over as they felt they had to adapt their behaviour particularly around coming out the bathroom or being in PJs.

They often didn't have an issue with dad having a new partner because that wasn't 'their' space even if they lived there 50:50, and again for teen girls that was always a mixed sex space so didn't require behaviour change

I would leave it a while, meet and do activities outside the house and not contemplating living together until the children are 18 and can make their own choices on where and who they live with.

As a mum to daughters I so so so agree with this.