How much animosity is normal from dc to new partner initially?

[GreenAlkanet]

The parent the dc live with has been single since dc were very young (4 and 2).

In the intervening 9 years parent didn't date at all. Parent has now met someone, been with them a few months and new partner has had dinner with parent and children a few times very recently.

Dc have been rather rude and unwelcoming towards new partner at dinner and parent and new partner have decided to pull back on introduction consequently.

I'm just wondering - in this sort of situation - how much animosity towards the new person, purely because of what that new person is in relation to their parent, is normal for a now 10 and 13 yo?

My only knowledge comes from tv and films, which had lead me to believe that such animosity is normal and to be expected?

It's so much to deal with. This is just the reality of it.

Can you just pull right back on having him round and make it really slow and gradual. I think it's best to get them to know him by doing stuff outside the house. Make their experiences with him fun and exciting. That depends if he's willing to get that invested?

Some guys won't want to. It's worth figuring out what he's willing to do.

I found the introduction of new guy with my mum incredibly traumatic. It was just too much and in my face. He also turned out to be a bell end.

You can only write this with the benefit of hindsight. You clearly had a wonderful mum.

imagine she’d moved someone in and he’d started telling you what to do? Imagine if he’d started telling her what to do?

it does happen. Second marriages end in 67% of the time, third marriages even higher. Live in relationships after divorce … well who knows the stats for those because it’s even more fluid and nebulous.

im guessing too you wouldn’t be able to wonder around naked or just change randomly around the house because a man who is not your DF would have been there, had your DM moved in a new man.

Maybe none of those things matter to you or her. But they do to many kids, having that innocence protected is very important.

I didn’t say stay single either. I said don’t mix the two. Why put your kids through yet another broken relationship where the person isn’t even their parent??

Talk to adult kids like me who experienced it.

It mostly never ends well but keep drinking the kool aid where you can lie to yourself about how you’re really putting yourself first, not your kids.

I think alot of kids want to see mum happy and will say all sorts but the reality then doesn't match up with what they thought, or as kids, didn't really give much thought to.

Kids are great at pretending because kids are conditioned to deny their feelings and reality as they get older. Just err on the side of thinking this will trigger all sorts of feelings in them that will be scary and upsetting is the best bet.

If he's into theme parks etc I'd look at these things as the possible way to build a rapport with the kids instead of round the house for tea.

When you look at the sobering stats on how many second and third marriages makes it 67% and 78% respectively I hope you can see I’m not being “bleak” just realistic.

The idea that it’s going to work just as a live in relationship without even the high commitment of marriage means you’re hopelessly in love with the idea of romantic love, not actual reality.

I have a friend. She divorced. Few years later moved in new guy with her kids. Married. Two years later, divorced again. Now onto her third relationship.

All while the kids going through puberty and teens. You can imagine how this turns out can’t you.

She hated her mum. Her kids don’t like her. Break the fucking cycle and be strong. Be with your kids alone. You do not need a partner to become a parent.

FFS people are weak. And we just churn out more and more destabilised kids.

There are also statistics that show second marriages are more successful than first marriages https://marriagefoundation.org.uk/research/second-marriages-are-less-likely-to-end-in-divorce-than-first/

I now have a ridiculously blended family- I’m remarried, my DC’s dad is remarried, my husband’s ex is remarried- step parents and step siblings all over the place! It works for all of us, all the children are genuinely happy and loved.

I'm with you all the way @PlopSofa.

Kids are at the greatest risk when mummy meets her new boyfriend. It's a known fact. He might be a dreamboat but let him prove it in good time.

The denial of reality is so strong on here; in society in general actually. Reality sucks so I do understand it.

There is no excuse for the children to behave this way in these circumstances. They're entitled and believe their parent only exists to serve their needs.

I absolutely agree that parents should move incredibly slowly when introducing new partners to their kids, but I simply don't agree that it's inherently damaging to have a new partner eventually move in or get to know your children.

Probably because no one wants to hear from adults who can now advocate for themselves properly now they are old enough and will say it like it is: it sucks.

i hated my step mum. She hated me. She still does. My dad was a bastard. They were a pair of c*nts.

there. Those are the real feelings of your child said as an adult to your face.

why do you need to move them in? Why oh why oh why?

You can do it all without living together can’t you?

@housemaus my child has a stepmum that keeps the whole family running. His dad's really hands on too. It works really well.

I just don't think it's the norm for it to be happy families. I'd say more problems than not, many of which will be really traumatic.

Mum deserves a life too.

I think in this situation, keeping it separate is absolutely the best thing for the well being of the children. OP knows that deep down. It's always a struggle as mum's balancing our own needs and kid's. I'm not saying kids' needs should always trump mum's either.

I disagree, not no new partners, but no one in the kids lives whom they don’t want.

Very dramatic

And that's awful, and I'm sorry your dad and stepmum were horrible people - I'm not trying to dismiss your experience, which you obviously feel very strongly about and with good cause. I'm saying that that isn't the case for everyone, though. My mum had two long-term partners while I was growing up - both were great. My dad has been with his partner since I was 10 and she's great. My best friend's step dad still sees her weekly and cares for her kids even though him and her mum got divorced when she was 17. I know plenty of others - obviously I know cases where it didn't go as well, usually when there were stepsiblings involved, but I know lots of cases where stepparents/parents' partners moved in with no negatives and plenty of positives.

And no, you can't do it all without living together - most people would say that living together eventually (very eventually, in the case of existing children!) is a natural and expected part of a long-term relationship, and there's certainly a big difference in my experience in how well you know someone/how connected you are as a couple living together compared to beforehand (although I know this isn't the case for everybody). I just don't believe people who happen to have children should forego this relatively normal aspect of a relationship - maybe it takes a few years to get there, I think it should in fact. But I don't think it's wrong to want that.

So once you have kids, if you break up with your partner or they die, you're not allowed to form another relationship and perhaps remarry or have more kids?

God a lot of you are your own worst enemies.

Kids are also fed the step parents are evil message in movies and tv. They will be thinking about the fact that you have having sex and bracing themselves for changes like more babies, step siblings, the new person being mean behind your back….

You should expect the same level of behaviour as you would if a friend of yours was having dinner with the family. If you’ve been prioritising the kids to the extent that doesn’t happen then start doing it so that they can see that you having a cuppa or meal with another adult is not a threat. Tell them that you are nice to their friends so you expect the same level of niceness to yours. They don’t have to cook/serve dinner but politeness is a must.

@ThatWarmJadeSeal I don't think anyone here is saying that. Remember, we are responding to the very specific set of circumstances of OP also. This will feed into how we frame this.

I think it’s a tricky situation to navigate and you will have lots of very varied responses on here which are often based on individual experiences.

i guess this scenario is difficult because the parents split when the kids were very young and they’re now at a more tricky age when whey will express their views more vocally. They’ve also been used to their resident parent not being in a relationship and I think k some degree of animosity and resentment may be felt by them.

However, I don’t think kids should be rude, yes they should be able to express their opinion but I don’t believe that once you’ve had kids you should never ever consider your own wants and needs. Kids should definitely come first but not at any cost and they should be self aware enough to realise that their parents matter too.

It sounds like you’ve done the right thing on pulling back on the introductions, the only thing to do is take it slow and wait to see how everyone feels.

I knew a single mother who moved her boyfriend in when her elder daughter was in her teens.

The daughter loathed the new partner, left home as soon as she could, got married, had a child. Last I heard, the mother had never seen her grandchild.

What @RM2013 said! 💐

So it's bad to do it too soon, but you should also do it before they get too "vocal".

I'm not as militant as PlopSofa but I won't be having anyone living in my house or a 'partner'. I have no need of one ...what value do they add that you can't get living separately. My dcs dad and I didn't work out and they had to go through the trauma of that split and deal with subsequent insecurities over where they would live and then deal with moving between houses all the time all the while navigating growing up going through school, hitting teenage years...for then their parents to upheave their lives by throwing another grenade in the mix of some complete strangers coming to live with them is selfish imo. If you are already housed with your children, keep any relationship out of their faces imo

So you could potentially be 30, and not allowed to consider marriage and kids with another partner because your first one died or left? Sounds awful.

Thing is though even though you may have been a stoppy teenager most get to the point where they want their parents to be with someone (I did). I don’t agree your life should be on hold all that time.

There is a middle ground. I don't think anyone has to stay celibate.

DS & I left my ex when DS was two.

Two years later, I got together with an old flame but it became clear DS, aged 4, didn't like him, and my ds' happiness was my priority. So I saw him at lunch times, the occasional evening when I could get a babysitter, or on the rare weekends DS was with his dad.

We managed about 5 years together without it impacting DS.

Since then I've been single (7 years) but not intentionally single, just there are very few desirable single men around.

I've changed job this autumn, no longer working from home, I actually meet new people every day. 🙂 Maybe there will be someone nice. DS is now 16 so I could date discreetly until he goes to university in a couple of years.