I think dsd is going to ask to move in, advice needed

[WildFlowerBees]

Firstly, I want to get this right. I have been a step parent for 17 years, no issues with her mum anymore and whilst growing up was tough for all of us, she was quite violent in her teens she's now 21 and much better.

Her mum isn't doing very well, suffers with depression and dsd is struggling.

She says she can't talk to her mum as she just starts shouting and she worries about her mental health. She works and has a lovely bf and now lives with her mum and her stepdad 40 mins away.

Dsd stayed with us last night, I made dinner we enjoyed a glass of wine and for once she was quite engaging.

She said a few times she doesn't want to live with her mum anymore and I have a strong feeling she will broach the subject of living with us.

I'm not emotionally or mentally prepared for her to be here all of the time. When she was younger and we had 50/50 it was turbulent. I suffered a lot over those years and whilst I don't want to rehash the past or dwell I'll be honest and say I'd rather she wasn't here permanently.

She can at times be rude to me never to her dad, moody and snippy she's messy leaves anything she has where she had it and generally can be quite thoughtless but I don't think that's a step child issue more her age.

Obviously if she asks I won't say no it wouldn't be fair I want her to have a safe place where she feels wanted and can do her thing.

I'm torn, I know I'll (we will) say yes but at the same time I have no idea how to mentally ready myself for it.

Advice would be great.

She's 21.
An adult

Time she had her own space and place.

She's 21 and working, and presumably her boyfriend is working too. So if them moving in together isn't an option, maybe she can afford a flatshare with a friend or a room in a houseshare in general.

She's an adult, I'm not much older and I left home at 18 because I couldn't stand it. Best thing I did for everyone.

If she asks I'd convince her that she should look around at spareroom and other such websites, and highlight all the benefits of being independent, even things like buying home stuff from cheapy shops, and offer to take her to Ikea while she's getting set up.

If she hates it that much she should use it as an incentive to see other options, get up the job ladder etc., and she would run to any other option. If she wants to be a pampered princess, avoid.

My opinion is if you are getting in a relationship with someone with kids you have to be prepared to have the kids with you full time if needed. If you aren't, you shouldn't proceed. I have an adult DS of a similar age, he is awesome but also frustrating - he is often running late, runs out of money, and is untidy...like many 21 year olds! But he pays board and follows the house rules or takes the consequences and its fine. Just set clear house rules and boundaries. Imo you support your kids for life and this is your DH's kid.

It's critically important that you wait for DSD to ask the question.

Do not preempt and make an offer.

This is very important because if you offer, when things aren't going well, she can say 'well you asked me to move in', 'I'm only here because you wanted me to move in'.

If she has asked, that gives you the better position of being able to get some house rules in place, set the boundaries and have time to negotiate and discuss before agreeing to anything - even if it's just a few days a week (the few days could become permanent so it's a tricky one tbh - if she just decides to stay longer than 2 nights a week - what do you do then?).

The same applies to my children: I couldn't cope with them living with me as adults. We have a tiny living space and I love the silence. I'll support them to be independent but illness notwithstanding: no thanks.

@GinnyPiggie what age is your cut off for living at home?

@GinnyPiggie

You didn't say your step kids were adults.

Honestly? After they've managed a full-time job. They are all adults. In reality this was between 18-21 for all of them.

Has your stepson ever punched you in the face @mamajong?

Mamajong said DS, not DSS.

So no experience of actually being a SM - even better @SheilaFentiman !

She was stating what she would do as a parent, and noting that DH is a parent of DSD.

Though DH seems to have rather opted out of parenting and left it to his ExW for the last few years.

Are you sure she’s not working up to saying she and her boyfriend want to live together? At 21, I’d think that was more likely.

Actually I have 3 step kids, but mentioned my DS as he is a similar age so you can jog on with your assumptions.

My point is I would not walk away from my kids any more than I would expect my DH to with his. This is the OPs husbands biological child, he should not just opt out of providing a home for his DD if needed, but obviously with acceptable boundaries and consequences like any parent.

This is my opinion which I'm entitled to, if you believe they should turn their back on the girl because she has been troubled then I'm comfortable agreeing to disagree with you, I'm sure you are drawing from your own experiences as am I.

If you’re not willing to be the punchbag to someone else’s kids,you shouldn’t be in a relationship?! How about if you can’t raise a decent human being, you shouldn’t have had kids. If people raise their kids badly, don’t be surprised when other people aren’t keen on them.

Have any of your stepchildren punched you in the face @mamajong ?

No. Thought not 🙄

What’s your actual point here? We can all give opinions on how we would behave in a situation and expect our partners to behave, whether it we have had the exact same experience or not.

Well, yes maybe that should have been the case for OP's DH. How about.. if you're not willing to be a punchbag to someone else's kids, don't get in relationships with people that do not prioritise their DC.

Violence is not acceptable,
but 14 was very young for a child going back and forth and clearly struggling.
Wifi and technology patrolling was very challenging when my kids were teens 7-10 years ago. You were not alone trying to navigate it.

OP, I sympathise completely with you, being assaulted by a child that is not yours is not fun, you had every right to be upset.

However, I think you should wait until asked.
If asked I would ask her to discuss what happened back then and where she is in her head now.
Discuss your relationship and how and where you both are now.
I would be honest, adult to adult, that you want to support her and for her to know that a bed is always there for a couple of nights to de compress.
That you never want her to think she has nowhere to go.

But yours is NOT a doss house.
You expect it to be kept tidy, treated with respect, etc.
Tell her you are not prepared to make ANY long term commitments to housing anyone.
She is 21 now.
But you want to be a support and to be on her side in her life.
But it is conditional, make no apology about that, on you and your home being treated with respect.
Tell her YOU are prepared to take the things on a week by week basis.
If at 21 she cannot rise to that, well that is on her.

It really is ok to say that no, actually you do not want her to feel that she doesn't need to feel so comfortable in your home that she can behave like an unruly teen.
Her place in your home is as a much loved adult family member, who will be welcome as long as she behaves like a respectful adult.

If that conversation goes well, take things from there.

I'm sorry for whatever has led you to be unable to just agree to disagree on a public forum where the purpose it literally to gather different opinions.

I'm not in that place, so happy to agree to disagree and also overlook the lack of an apology for all the assumptions from someone who only knows the limited information I've chosen to share.

You can assume what you want, I've shared my opinion with the OP so I'll not engage with you further.

Can't you help her to find her own room in a shared flat - I would rather pay some of the cost than have her move into my home.