I think dsd is going to ask to move in, advice needed

[WildFlowerBees]

Firstly, I want to get this right. I have been a step parent for 17 years, no issues with her mum anymore and whilst growing up was tough for all of us, she was quite violent in her teens she's now 21 and much better.

Her mum isn't doing very well, suffers with depression and dsd is struggling.

She says she can't talk to her mum as she just starts shouting and she worries about her mental health. She works and has a lovely bf and now lives with her mum and her stepdad 40 mins away.

Dsd stayed with us last night, I made dinner we enjoyed a glass of wine and for once she was quite engaging.

She said a few times she doesn't want to live with her mum anymore and I have a strong feeling she will broach the subject of living with us.

I'm not emotionally or mentally prepared for her to be here all of the time. When she was younger and we had 50/50 it was turbulent. I suffered a lot over those years and whilst I don't want to rehash the past or dwell I'll be honest and say I'd rather she wasn't here permanently.

She can at times be rude to me never to her dad, moody and snippy she's messy leaves anything she has where she had it and generally can be quite thoughtless but I don't think that's a step child issue more her age.

Obviously if she asks I won't say no it wouldn't be fair I want her to have a safe place where she feels wanted and can do her thing.

I'm torn, I know I'll (we will) say yes but at the same time I have no idea how to mentally ready myself for it.

Advice would be great.

Anyway have spoken to dh he's in agreement with me so we will have to wait it out

What does that mean? She isn’t going to move in/stay over at all?

She will likely revert back to type once she has her foot in the door like lots of adult children do so it just won't work.
She is an adult and can house herself if she wants to, your home isn't her only other option it's just the easiest.

No. She can live with her boyfriend, her mum, in a flat share, you name it.

You can’t take an abuser back.

Thank you, I have better clarity now. She won't be moving in full time that's an absolute. But she can stay a few nights a week if she feels she needs the space. She's also welcome to stay for dinner. Dh sees her a lot during the week anyway.

I've worked hard to get some balance where dsd is concerned. I won't dwell on the past however I have not forgotten.

How do we explain it, well dh not me I'm not being part of that discussion.

Be careful.
I would say nothing yourselves. Definitely not offer the few nights a week.
Based on what you say she sounds highly likely to take that and make it become (almost) full time.
First 2 nights becomes 3, then ah all my stuff is here now, then ahh mum is really depressed today etc etc excuse upon excuse and then she's always there by stealth.
I wouldn't at all, once you start there's no going back.

How do we explain it, well dh not me I'm not being part of that discussion.

This is an example of a woman taking in all the mental load. You're not going to be part of the discussion so let DH figure out how best to tell his DD she's not moving in if she asks. I'm with the poster above, she'll be in by stealth given half a chance. Don't underestimate how much you'll suffer from her behaviour, and with insufficient time to recover between her visits, if she's there several nights a week permanently.

How do we explain it, well dh not me I'm not being part of that discussion.

I wouldn't mention it until she does. Don't even say she's welcome to stay whenever she wants. If she does ask outright then I'd say no that's not possible, you'll stick with the current arrangement. Be honest with her, the way she has treated you in the past (including the current thoughtlessness and messiness) makes you uncomfortable with her being there full time.

I think at 21 I'd allow her to stay. It is very hard to support yourself at such a young age these days, it is in my opinion your DHs duty to provide a safe and stable home life for your SD for a while yet.

My suggestion is to say nothing.

If she keeps "fishing for it" like she seemed to do at dinner, maybe DH say if she moves out to a room in a flat / flat he'd give her a loan towards the deposit.

And use that as an opportunity to say clearly that she won't be moving in with you, full stop.

I emphasize loan as it sounds like he's already doing lots for her as it is.

Separately I would have a very serious conversation with him why he's not ever asked her to apologise to you for punching you, given all that he's doing with and for her.

I don’t think yabu at all considering she’s 21 - dh and I had to have our eldest (our bio child) move out when he was 20 due to his lack of respect and inability to follow basic rules (coming home midweek in the early hours and waking us up, doing absolutely nothing around the house or clearing up his own mess, being aggressive and argumentative - I could go on)
Luckily we were able to help him financially to move into a one bed flat and honestly it’s been the making of him. He’s now working full time, has a lovely gf, is respectful and mature and is a lovely young man to be proud of. He’s 24 now and has started recently paying the full rent himself after getting a couple of promotions at work.

Id be offering to help her get a place of her own if it’s financially viable (maybe put down the deposit or put towards the rent for a year) but with her history I don’t agree you should just let her and your dh ride roughshod over your feelings - with your history it’s perfectly understandable.

She punched you in the face?!!!!
Definitely NO

My ds moved back at 20. He pays rent. Does his own cooking and laundry. And keeps his spaces clean. Barely know he is here actually... In your dh's shoes she wouldn't be back.

I struggle with people in my space (parents, MIL, my own adult siblings). After a while it drives me loopy despite my best efforts. I don't feel relaxed, I get short and snappy.

She is 21, could you look into helping her rent her own place close by? Either a room, or her own flat? Even if you help her with the bills? When I was growing up, people would generally try to be independent at that age - and it would be odd for a 23yo to be living with their parents. I know times have changed a bit, but she is an adult and can't live with parents forever.

Maybe you can proactively suggest that before she asks to stay at yours?

She's 21, no one has to do anything for her at this point, she punched op in the face and has a history of being aggressive, rude and violent, making op uncomfortable in her own home, she's lucky to be offered to stay overnight at all.

I think you're wise not to take her in full time Op. If she reverts to type once she's living with you it would be a dealbreaker for you and much harder to make her move out than say no in the first place.

You don't want her there permanently so support in other ways, with rent / deposit etc

If someone had punched me in the face in the past it would be a hard no to staying overnight at all, let alone moving in. Absolutely no way in hell would I have that person living in my home ever again. It's not within the range of normal teenage stuff to punch a family member in the face, so unless she has serious developmental or learning disabilities, she needs to live with the consequences of her actions. She's lucky you are still speaking with her. If she were your partner it would be described as domestic abuse, and it is domestic abuse. She also sounds manipulative if she thinks she can have one nice evening with you and then ask to move in. I can't believe you are even considering it to be honest.

@Owly11 I agree it is abuse. But what would you do if it was your biological child?

The punching aside, I think a firm no but we will support you in finding a place to rent would be fair.

Sounds like she doesn't fancy laying out a lot of money on rent but that's life unfortunately. If you so go ahead with it, you'll need to charge her a reasonable amount per week to cover her living expenses so she realises that she's responsible for providing for herself.

Strongly agree with pp who said she’ll move in by stealth if you let her have a couple of nights a week. It would be a hard no for me in light of the past violence I have to say… protect yourself first and foremost, please.

Its in the OP that she is 21

I wouldn't say no to my child at 21, she punched you in the face which is horrendous but you said that was 7 years ago and she's not violent now. You're not her parent though.

Personally I think your DH should have split up with you back then, because as a parent you can't kick your child out of their home at 14 because they punch someone. She obviously had huge issues and needed a lot of support, particularly if her mum was also suffering with depression at that time. Her father should have been concentrating on her at that point because who was prioritising SD? I doubt her depressed mum was able to.

This sounds to me like a child who didn't feel like anyone's priority and it turned nasty when she was a teen - now she's potentially going to be turned away again.

This here @Jessie1259 is what I worry about.

This sounds to me like a child who didn't feel like anyone's priority and it turned nasty when she was a teen - now she's potentially going to be turned away again.

However she has been a priority with dh always. It caused all kinds of upset when I stood my ground and we almost didn't get through it. However what message does it send to anyone who's abusive that there are no consequences and that her behaviour could end our marriage, one that is very good and I think we'd both agree strong.

Regardless of the past I do my bit, I take her for lunch, for coffee she confides in me, I offer wisdom if she asks and I comfort her when she's upset. I would walk through fire for her I'm very protective of her because I know she struggles but that does not trump my own well being and I know her living with us full time would be awful for me and over time for dh and dsd.

I slapped my mum across the face when I was about 14. I wasn't being listened to and I just hit a wall. I expect I was also depressed

She didn't throw me out (because my parents lived together and I would have been homeless, but also because she saw me as a child who had reached the end of my rope)

So to me it depends whether that was a random incident or if she is still violent towards you now.

(not saying hitting her was fine, but it didn't reflect who I was by 21 ! Or indeed who I was by 15)